The Little Mermaid

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Hollywood, the seat of Arrant-gard hyper-intellectual movie making, produced the 1997 hit The Little Mermaid. It has since entered the cultural lexicon as a deep, powerful metaphor for sub-modernist deconstructionist angst.

[edit] Plot Synopsis

Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that the chick in The Crying Game is a dude, Laertes gets poisoned by his own sword, Prince Arthas kills his father and, in the expansion pack, merges with the Lich King, Verbal Kint is Keyzer Söze, Nathaniel sacrifices himself so that demons won't destroy London, Kitty helps found the new government of commoners, and Bartimaeus survives, you are Darth Revan with amnesia, Edmund, Goneril, Regan, Lear, Cordelia and Gloucester all die in the last scene, the Dark Lord shall rise again, Fayed detonates a nuke, Neo gets turned into a Smith shortly after causing a reaction that causes all the Smiths to die, thus, he dies, Flint Marko killed Ben Parker by accident, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

Ariel is the hottest of all the Disney Princesses, the youngest daughter of King Triton. Unlike other mermaids, Ariel was interested in the surface world. Especially internet pr0n. She was extremely interested in that.

Ariel's Father's Castle.

Ariel’s father did not want her to go online, at least not to "those sites". But when she saw a young man fall into the sea with no clothes on, she had to make a fast decision. She pulled him underwater and performed The Seven Mermaid Perversions on him. Although on the point of drowning, the young fellow thought he saw some...

Uh, well, we won't describe what he thought he saw. Let us merely ask the reader if he or she has ever looked closely at fish genitals. No? Well, don't.

The young man did remember Ariel's teeth, though. And he had the scars to remember them by. Seeing as this young man had something to remember her by she wanted something to remember him by and she had this item gold plated and secretly added to her fathers castle.

Ariel the Little Mermaid (played by Sonja Aårsdottir) strikes a pose.

When King Triton found out that Ariel had performed the Perversions, he got angry. He shouted at Ariel, disconnected her internet, cut off her cell phone service, smacked her upside the head, and kicked her pet, Spongebob, right in his little googlies.

Ariel was crying and holding a tiny bag of ice on Spongebob's googlies when the Sea Bitch, Hillary, appeared. Hillary lived in New York and hated freedom. Wait, no, that's Saddam Hussein. Never mind then....

"Well," Hillary said, "girl, I can get your cell phone service back. But you gots to put sand in Ted Kennedy's vaseline jar first or no deal." And she sent Ariel off to the beach at Cape Cod.

But Prince Eric -- uh, he was the guy with the scars on his parts -- found Ariel on the beach. "Hmmm," said Eric. "Something about you seems...unpleasantly familiar. Show me your teeth!" She smiled really big, and the memories came flooding back to Eric. He passed out cold.

Fortunately, the Sea Bitch had dropped Ariel right in front of the Kennedy's modest mansion. It was a two-up two-down three-across highrise megalith with room-to-room heating and round-the-clock butlering. Ariel snuck inside, her prosthetic sneakers squish-squashing on the parquet floor and her mermaid tail dripping fish slime. The parquet floor would never recover.

On a mahogany hall table she saw a blue glass jar labeled Kennedy Family Vaseline, NO SAND ALLOWED. Well, that's easy: she slipped a tablespoon of sand into the Kennedy family jar of vaseline and moseyed back across the ruined parquet and out the door.

So the Sea Bitch Hillary got Ariel reconnected to her cell phone service, King Triton disowned her for being disobedient, Prince Eric had to take Viagra to overcome his sexual trauma, Spongebob got a little girl sponge pregnant and had to get a job spreading asphalt, and Ariel moved to Bollywood and became an Indian movie stunt mermaid specializing in fake drownings.

[edit] Production Details

The Little Mermaid was produced by Twentieth Century Vole on location on Bora-Bora. It cost ¥ 500,000 and took three years to shoot, mostly because of the "savage, brutal, and inhuman" demands made by director Hans Nichtmengele.

In a groundbreaking move away from computer animation and special effects, Nichtmengele required Norwegian actress Sonja Aårsdottir to have her hips and legs surgically replaced with the body of a seabass. In addition, lead actor Jakamoto Na'haisuto suffered several psychological breakdowns when the "Mermaid Perversions" scene had to be reshot 237 times.

"Vell," Nichtmengele told Uncyclopedia, "it is much better to do every things in reality und not make fakery on der combuter screens. Der suffering is more direct. Den we see der reality of der human condition und der pith gets everywhere. Weltschmerz, you know."

Twentieth Century Vole hired John Cage to write the musical score. Cage opted for an orchestra using marine creatures as instruments. The careful listener will hear drumfish being beaten with mallets, a long solo on electric eel, and the eerie violin-like song of a humpback whale as the musicians tickle it with specially made rubber vibrators. The forboding wind melody which heralds the entrance of The Sea Bitch (played by Glenn Close) was created by squeezing harp seals like bagpipes.

In another first, the entire 4-hour epic was filmed in Smell-O-Vision^™.

And boy does it stink!