The Lord of the Rings
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XXX Frodo and Sam action...SECRET ENDING!,
may follow. Read on at your own discretion.“Hey This goes with ma Mohawk”
~ Mr T on Finding the Ring, So far the only person able to control its immense Power (and Bling)
“One does not simply drive into Mordor!!”
~ Boromir on travel and tourism in Middle-Earth
“Frodo, I understand you really like the ring... but don`t do that...dont put it there... THAT IS DISGUSTING TAKE IT OFF!!”
~ Gandalf the legendary crock.]
{{Q|Just walking into Mordor is illogical. Taking a phaser and blasting your way through Mordor is more logical|Spock}]]
“In Soviet Russia, Mordor walks into YOU!! Yeah thats yay”
~ Russian Reversal on Walking into Mordor
“Ooooh! I love the huge flaming burger!”
~ Random moviegoer on his/her fetish
“...and I tell you now I will not bow to this dump ranger from the north!”
“I'm the Lord of the Ring.”
~ James Hunt on the 'Ring, aka the Nurburgring
“My precioussssss... Aragorn The Ring”
~ {{{2}}}
“There are many magic strap-ons in this world, Dildo faggins, and none should be worn tightly!”
~ Gandalf the Gray snooping as usual
“Hotdogs are great!”
~ Gandalf
“WTF! Your telling me that little halfing has the ring?!?”
~ Sauron on learning that Frodo has the one ring while he is eating
The Lord of the Rings is a long story written about short people trying to solve a problem and taking way to long to do it when they simply could have gotten those giant eagles they had hiding the whole story, flown over the volcano and dropped the ring in and saved a lot of hassle. Stupid hobbits...
[edit] About the book
The Lord of the Rings is a series of novels based on the songs of Led Zeppelin. It was written during the Ice Age by J.R.R.R.R.R.S.T.F.U.R.R.R.R.R.R.S.T.U.V. Tall Keen , who was an extremely heavy eater at the time, and was a psansy. It lay in virtual obscurity until 1995, when someone or other (no relation was convicted of Hating the Classics and sentenced to Make a Really shit filled movie about his fun filled life. It has been called one of the greatest classics (I think it was by my friend Lance Bass, who said tt after he fell off the toilet and hit his head) and is frequently considered to be "pretty darn good" by highly-educated readers, who can’t admit they didn’t really understand what was going on in the book. Not many people have actually read the book, because it’s extremely boring and full of useless shtuffing, but those who have, have discovered that it’s sufficiently dull and loaded with pointless excitement. In spite (or possibly because) of this they have become die-hard LotR-geeks who dress up as the book’s characters and run a fan club. The reason why they do this for a book so boring is that they are convinced of their Elvishness, due to the fact that they have managed to do something most people haven’t; they've actually read the book. This is how the book's popularity increased; people thought there was actually something exciting in the book and then joined the fan club to perpetuate the self-delusion that they did all that work for nothing. The really smart people, of course, just saw the movie. Tolkien was writing another fourth book where Aragorn meets his war veteran buddy fron 'Nam and his cousin who was a middle aged New York City cop with marital problems and they go on an adventure to save the local youth center from Orc Capitalist contracters. Of course, the use there magic fart to blow up the ocrs.
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[edit] About the LOTRBFME 2 ROTWK game for the xbox 360
LOTRBFME 2 ROTWK (Lots Of Tall Robots Banging Female Models Extreme 2 Rise Of The Walking Kittens) is a 1st person simulator. In this game you are an apache helicopter that flies around the battlefield controlling the minds of little men also known as "units". This game was created so the young (and old) minds of america and the EURO trash can experience how their parents hunted for their food in the 1800's. First you start out with a giant fortress designed by Micheal Jackson himself. You get two sex slaves to start out with. To start you select one of your sex slaves, then you make them build any type of building from a building menu ( you have to have enough money to build it first ) for those of you who are in the Dumbass catagory. Building a barracks or a some type of pit to recruit infantry is probably the first thing you should build, unless your ONE OF THOSE NEWBS that make a King Dain and rush into a base and kill your enemy within the first five seconds of the game. when you get your little infantry guys you should upgrade them. To upgrade your little unupgraded pansies you need a whorge works...where other sex slaves whore around and forge dildos. When you build a Whorge works you can buy uprgrades like Forged Dildos, Heavy Cum Armor and Fire Dildos ( Tyler's favorite ) when you get Forged dildos your men's swords start vibrating and glowing. They are glow in the gay's presence dildos...very cool looking. When you get Heavy Cum Armor a whole bunch of mexicans start cumming on you and you get white armor. When you get Fire Dildos your archers simply take out their dildos they already had and start them on fire.
[edit] Men of the West
- Swordsman - They are complete pansy asses.
- Pikemen - You have to admit they look kickass . . .
- Gondor Archers - Morons; waste of money.
- Ithilien Rangers - No one can utter their name in public. One reason is because it's so frickin' hard to pronounce.
- Rohirrim - Cheap.
- Gondor Knights - Again, waste of money . . . they suck at everything.
- Boromir - Tall hornblower . . . dude. Frequently lets Pippin blow his horn of Gondor
- Aragorn - Creepy weirdo king dude. Enjoys playing with stuffed pigs and drinking tea imported from Ireland.
- Theodon - The . . . ah screw it. No one cares.
- Éomir - A "super major hottie" and an "Orlando in bloom." Good with Rohirrim . . . then again, anything's good with Rohirrim.
- Hobbits - They might as well be dissecting a cockroach in Bangkok--they are that useless.
- Éowyn - Introduced to us ( Satan help us) in the second movie, Eowyn is a whiny ever so slightly mad slut. We first see her caring for uncle the king of rohan, seemingly not noticing the fact that he hasn’t moved from his chair or been able to form a correct sentence in months. Then there’s some shots of her looking angstly in the distance for the next twelve minutes . Then her older brother gets exiled…blah blah blah….her cousin dies…no one cares blah blah blah. She ends up yaking to Aragon about how she wishes for glory, her speech is so tiresome that Aragon sends the entire duration playing table tennis with Legolas. She rides into battle after Aragon discovers the diary she hid under her pillow which contains about 12cm worth of his hair and scribbles in red crayon saying Mrs. Eowyn heart heart Aragon. She then has a short fight scene with the witch-king….and for so reason wins, then forgets all of her dreams for glory and runs off after an equally mad Faramir.
- Gandalf - Glowy dildo wielder turns into a white guy later. Whoopdy-doo.
- Faramir - Lives in the shadow of his older brother Mario . . . wait a minute. . . .
[edit] Characters
- Dildo Faggins
- Richard Hammond (Extra)
- Bruce Willis
[edit] Sex Toys
- Tyler Wagner
- Travis Wagner
- Katie Wagner
- alex townsend
- Kevin Wagner (while he watches porn on the internet)
- Tyler Wagner's super vibrating controller
[edit] Istari
- Gandalf Known to his close "friends" as Dumbledore the Gray. A high-level mechanic. He has totally maxed out his mage level, as well as his Favored soul level. Everyday, he pwns n00bs and nubs alike in World of Warcraft He posses Glamdrig, a +5 sword of Goblin beat-down, and a AAA staff of luminescence (batteries not included). Killed Snape in book 6. He is later reincarnated as Gandalf the Mulatto, but is killed by Darth Vader. He is reincarnated a third time as Gandald the Cracker, but killed by God who is annoyed with all the reincarnation stuff. His favorite thing through all three lifes was fighting around and being cool with his staff.
- Sam The coolest character, he is charged with delivering the ring to Middle Earth. Unfortunetly, Frodo was mad with him until Sam made him the main character.
- Frodo A total loser who's always getting his butt in trouble. Sam always saves him. At the end, Frodo becames seduced by the rings power, and is thrown off the edge by Sam who is sick of Frodo and Pogo and Dodo and other hobbits with names that sound similar.
- Pippin and Merry Spend all their time partaking in an incestuous gruesome twosome and also the occasional 'sword practice' with Boromir. Enjoy making friends with trees.
- Saruman the White - KKK A power-mad, white supremacist, wizard, founder of the KKK included in the series because scientists were so obviously not an option.
- Two Unknown Blue Istari went East, and are the by-product of Tolkien running out of colors but REALLY liking the number "5". Ran off into the east because they wanted to see if the people there ate cheese, but were never heard of again.
- Radagast Tha Noob He could talk to birds, and was morbidly obese. The founder of Mordor Fried Eagle.
- Randolf the Black dressed in pink and carried a cane instead of a staff.
- Dumbledore Poor sighted, old and low in magic skills, given his own spin off movie.
- Merlin King Arthur's bed bug, with a hot daughter!
- Yoda Use the force he does, orc's asses he does kick whilst creating Star Wars Battlefront 3.1415926... excited we are.
[edit] Elves
The Elder was Elves, lived in the West and the North and they are all virgins. Mainly because they couldn't get any. They are also of pure Russian blood, and, while being much fond of writing songs about how good they are, they secretly resort to genocides every now and then.
- Legolas (aka LegoBlock) Walks on snow. Sinks in water. Known to shoot squirrels and cook their brains. Secretly shoots dirty smelly Rangers, who don't like showering. Also shot Gimli.
- Agent Elrond Also known as Elf-Lord Smith, Elrond Hubbard, Steve Howe, E, or Eyebrows. an eternally pissed off and annoying unsavory hybrid who really, really, really thinks he is a wise-guy. He also has amazing powers and has spoken to Xenu. His most famous quote is, "Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Anderson." In his spare time he enjoys yaking at little boys, taking over the Matrix, and eating hotdogs. His half brother, Michael Jackson was delighted when he found out about his brother's charges, so he threw a party in Rivendell.
Michael invited his son, Marilyn Manson to the party and Elrond, Michael, and Marilyn had an orgy in the back of Galadriel's car.
- Galadriel She's single and ready. She freaks out when given coffee or when short little men hold up magical rings in her face. Her daughter, Celebrian, was an accidental child. When Galadriel was 15 she met Celeborn at a neighborhood party and shortly after a few drinks of mead she found herself in a closet with Celeborn, and Peter Griffin.
Neither man used a condom, so ten minutes later Celebrian was born.
- Arwen Bloody hot. Obsessed with Aragorn. Tends to let him 'glide in'. Now lives in L.A with Aragorn and her forty-eight kids. She has hideous knees and feet. Not that I'm a foot-guy or anything.
- Wayne Rooney Plays for Rivendell FC scoring over 200 goals in 3 games and killing just five players in the process, a season low for Rooney.
[edit] Men & Women
- Aragorn Also known as 'Strider' and Mr. Longshanks. A mysterious man who likes dirty clothes and sleeping in the woods. Fancies pretty ladies,Arwen was a one off exception. A wannabe lonely soul, is in fact the king of Gondor. Looks very confused when being told that "They are taking the hobbits to Isengard". His hobbies include getting small children into his car.
- Slutolas Slutolas is Legolas' little slutty sister. You dont see her in the movie but in the deleted scenes she apears in the scene where herself and Legolas say there goodbyes to each other and have brother to sister talk
- Tom Bombadil The best character, like some kind of dope character, he loves weed and magical-fairy mushrooms (magic mushrooms). he lives with a strange blond elf girl who he found sitting naked in a river smoking a joint. Convinces young hobbits to run around naked under the pretense of 'letting off steam'.
- Bumomir One mean guy no one likes. His father is the steward of Gondor, which is the reason why Bumomir dislikes Aragorn, the legal king of Gondor who is coming to put his dad and him out of a job. Bumomir tries to take the ring, then dies. "Gondor is good", were told be his last words. Sadly bad he didn't have time to listen to any songs by John Lennon at that point. He gets to save a few hobbits and make peace with Aragorn before dying, so guess it wasn't such a bad case then. Is more than happy for hobbits to blow his horn of Gondor.
- Denethor The pervert father of Bumomir. He was a nerd of that time, but Instead of the internet he used the Palantír, magic balls taken from Sauron. He then stopped masturbating to hentai and killed himself. During his life, he was begged to join the Gondorian Fire department for his fireproof skin, but rejected them, as he preferred sitting in his hall stuffing his face while his children died pointless deaths to doing a good thing for once in his life.
- Filmamir Bumomir's little brother, in his father's eyes a mad mad. He yacked at Éowyn in the end to show that he was not gay, and he had his arrows removed to stop getting by his mother.
- Éowyn A hot girl who's far more interested in war than sucking dick and pleasing her future husband. She secretly lusts after Aragorn, but when he turns her away, she too goes emo and rides to war dressed as a man (there were no surgeons at that time that could have made her a man for real). She does a great deed no man could do, slaying Michael Jackson - the main servant of Sauron and she didn't show any breasts, then goes home and commits adultery with Filmamir.
- Tony Blair The original dunedan who was born with no parents, who done jack all as the leader and so became the Prime Minister of England and done jack all there.
- The Real Lord of the Rings Said to posses 40 rings a finger, the RLotR was said to be a most destructive and/or magical pimp. He was also said to own Mortal Kombat.
[edit] Irish
You know them party animals at the Prancing Pony? Definantly Irish!
[edit] The Bad Guys With Big Swords and Stuff
- ""Oprah"" Sauron's twin likes to have sex with unsuspecting hobbits. Her favorite rape victom, Sam Gamgee, is expected to have his rape child in a couple of months. "I plan to call him Frodo Jr." sobbed Gamgee into Oprah's sweater. Oprah also enjoys running around and grabbing random womans breasts.
- Anyone With Red Hair These were the orcs they are angry and ugly and are highly reactive to light and do not look to good on fire
- Lurtz The biggest badass around! Only when he becomes level 3 and gets carnage. HA NO MORE GONDOR HORN FOR YOU BORIMER!
- Dr. Phil The real bad guy this whole time who told Sauron to be cool and stay in school. He also found time to steal Gandalf's staff which uses AAAx3 batteries and the shards of narsil whilst moaning brap, brap, brap.
- Easterlings Big bunch'o' badass baddies two of which decided to sit on frodo and sams faces when then needed a seat at the black gate. After this happend frodo sam told frodo never to disguise themselves as a rock again.
- Haradrim a group of circus freaks who got pwned harder than 'Fresh Meat' at the state pen by a bunch of zombies and i dont know what the hell they feed there elephants to make them so big, perhaps steriods from Mordor.
- Sauron The bad guy of the story. He used to be a great dark lord, but then that Isildur came and cut off his finger. This itself only caused him severe confusion, for he had terrible pain in his finger that was no longer there, but the loss of the ring that was in that finger was what made him lose his power (it was a pretty ring!). After moaning for his ring for few thousand years he started to gather an army. He didn't have a normal physical form, instead he showed himself as a massive cow. Others claim it's in fact an eye. They are wrong.
- Gollum likes to slide his sausage through the ring of power because he believes that its 'power' is to give orgasm. Little does he realise that such other things as masturbating and eating would give him the same feeling. He thinks that the ring is the only thing that can do this AND that he is the only one that has ever felt it. So he mindlessly follows Frodo around thinking that he has unlocked its power, belived to have eaten cheese with ham bamgee before biting Chewbaccas finger and jumping into a pool of lava.
- Furby This little talking furball laughs at you and talks in gibberish.
- Michael Jackson Wacko Jacko, the Dark Appendage of Sauron. Served as Sauron's eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and hand throughout the realm of Mordor. Was eventually slain when he made love to Eowyn - who was at that time disguised as a man. By the time he realized that what he had done was purely heterosexual, it was too late for Jacko.
- Black Riders (how racist) Originally a group of out-of-work network engineers, they pledged their allegiance to the dark lord and dubbed themselves the "Tolkien Ring Network" before deciding on the more menacing-sounding name, "Ringwraiths." A tightly-knit group, they enjoy preening each others' cloaks and flying on dragons. When you put on the Ring and look at them, they change from scary black people to scary white people
- Shelob Is a fan of Die Hard although she did not enjoy the fourth film which lead to her attack on poor Frodo. She is part of the band Blue previously known as Crap and has plans to begin her own chatshow called Cobwebs.
- Dwight Shrute The root of all evil.
- Balrog the Balrog was once a peaceful creature living in the Misty Mountains until one night when Gandalf was mad out of his head, and stripped Moria of it's cows while setting the Balrog on fire. It was so dumb it never thought to quench the flames. When the Fellowship came to Moria once more the Balrog threw Gandalf and himself down a crack in the shape of a dwarf's foot, seconds before realizing how dumb it was. He fell into a pool and was quenched, then after fighting with Gandalf a bit, realized they could be friends. They binge drinked on the peak of Zirak-zagilak-zigaliak until an eagle came, was attacked by the Balrog, and took Gandalf away. The Balrog was so drunk he fell down the mountain, forever cracking his head.
- Voldemort Gandalf's third cousin, most commonly known as the idoit who incinerated Harry Potter when he was only one. However things did move along for Voldemort when he brought a major share in Tesco's producing the 'Finest' brand as his speciality.slipped down 'the endless stair' in moria, slicing his testicles into small pieces.
[edit] The novels/movies
- Lord fat hobbits! Of The Rhymes (Trilogy) Sauron raps a bit, makes "bling", and takes over the world. Frodo saves it, though not with the dramatic fat hobbits! flair or spandex Supermfat hobbits! an could have brought to the scene. Big Oliphaunts.
- Tha Hobbit Prequel telling how Frodo's Uncle Bilbo finds Sauron's ring and steals something.
- Quenta Silmarfat fat hobbits! Hobbits! Illion (also known as the Neverending Story) A battle, peace, another battle, peace, another battle, peace, random race dies out, another battle, peace, ect... ect.. ect...
- Lord of Fat Hobbits! He Rifat Hobbits! ngs - Oops! The missing fourth book to the three book trilogy. It all goes wrong and Frodo drops the fat hobbits' ring into Sauron's hand by accident, and they have to start all over again.
- I Disown My Middle Earth unofficial prequel written by Alan Driscoll, lead singer with techno band thewomb
- George Foreman 2 Sellffat hobbits! at hobbits! s Sauron Grillsfat hobbits!
- Frodo-Lord of fat hobbits! the ring Frodo drops Sam in the lava wears the ring and.. uhm .. nukes america and slaps god in the face then evaporates
- Captain Corellias Mandollin (Rumoured)
- Lord of the Fat Hobbits! Rings and all that Jazz See Aragorn, Legolas and the rest of the Fellowship like never before, with some great solo's and Urak-Hai Haku, this is unmissable. First showing at the fat hobbits! Portsmouth and Southampton Guildhalls.
- screw my ring New porn fetish film for noobs and dwarf lovers (hobbits aswell) coming 2009
- dildo faggins and the magical blue penis of azkaban smokin' new film from michael jacksonn and his homee G-bus Christt. comin soon ok so stop askin questions!
- Harry Potter and the return of the king
- Frodo and the collection of penis rings A subplot between the events of first and second book, never published as it would have deeply tarnished Frodo's credibility and almost non-existent love life
- Frodo and Sam: Nothing happened on mount doom! A critical and highly disturbing account of what really happened up on the mountain.
[edit] Lord of da Blings: The Real Story
One Bling to rule West Side Earth: So there was this bling as big as my grill ya'll. It was off the shizle dog and this gang called the Orc Bloods had it but the Cryp Men and The Elf Crew didn think it was chill so they jumped Saran and took the bling. Then this ugly mo fo found it and took it until this Hobbit jumped him and took da ring ya'll. Then Gandalf came to the Hobbit's apartment with some drugs and found the bling so he took it and gave it to his homes, Frodo. Frodo gonna take it to the Doom Pawn shop to sell so he can get some cash. So he go and he see Golem and he all ugly. Golem callenged Frodo to a break dance contest. There was some mad skill but Frodo one. Then Frodo and his homes are goin by and the Blood Orcs drive by and Frodo gets shot. Then Aragorn and Boramere come and save Frodo. Frodo is taging a building and Boremere takes the bling so Aragorn caps a pop up his ass and gets the Bling Back. So Legolas and Gimly come an they all baggin all da time. Gimly like "yo mama so fat i jump her she bleed hershy surrup". So they get to the pawn shop and they have a gang war in Oskilioth, the old parking lot, and Frodo and his crew all win. So Frodo get a billion dolla for da bling and lives happilly ever after. PEACE then they had sex they all fingired eachother with the ring
[edit] Popular Spin Offs
[edit] Fanbase
Lord of the Ring's fans are distinguishable by their distinct lack of personality and obesity. The proportion of people who actively discuss Lord of the Rings, as opposed to reading once and then saying - 'That was brilliant book. I might read it again sometime and bring it up in casual conversation' don't have burgers on a regular basis is startling. A recent poll conducted by the Washington Post reported that 98% of interviewee's were virgins, with a 1% margin of error.
