The Lord of the Rings

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NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!! The image you are looking at may not be work safe! If a boss or coworker saw this image, claim that it was spam and blame the IT guys. Otherwise, continue to read it until your lewd urges are satisfied.

Spoiler warning: Plot spoilers, such as the fact that

XXX Frodo and Sam action...SECRET ENDING!,

may follow. Read on at your own discretion.

“Hey This goes with ma Mohawk”

~ Mr T on Finding the Ring, So far the only person able to control its immense Power (and Bling)

“The ring?!... pffft... I don't need no stinking ring!”

~ Chuck Norris after killing half of Sauron's forces in one bowel movement

“One does not simply drive into Mordor!!”

~ Boromir on travel and tourism in Middle-Earth

“Frodo, I understand you really like the ring... but don`t do that...dont put it there... THAT IS DISGUSTING TAKE IT OFF!!”

~ Gandalf the legendary crock.]

“In Soviet Russia, Mordor walks into YOU!! Yeah thats gay”

~ Russian Reversal on Walking into Mordor

“...and I tell you now I will not bow to this rump ranger from the north!”

~ Oscar Wilde

“I'm the Lord of the Ring.”

~ James Hunt on the 'Ring, aka the Nurburgring

“My precioussssss... Aragorn ”

~ your mom on The Ring

“The Story Line was pointless, Too many Hobbits, Not enough Chuck Norris”

~ Chuck Norris on Seeing the Film for the first time

“There are many magic strap-ons in this world, Dildo faggins, and none should be worn tightly!”

~ Gandalf the gay bitching around as usual

“Hotdogs are great!”

~ Gandalf

“WTF! Your telling me that little fuck has the ring?!?”

~ Sauron on learning that Frodo has the one ring while he is taking a shit

The Lord of the Rings is a long ass story written about short people trying to solve a problem and taking way to long to do it when they simply could have gotten those giant eagles they had hiding the whole story, flown over the volcano and dropped the ring in and saved a lot of hassle. Stupid short people...

[edit] About the book

The Lord of the Rings is a series of erotic novels based on the songs of Led Zeppelin. It was written during the Ice Age by J.R.R.R.R.R.S.T.F.U.R.R.R.R.R.R.S.T.U.V. Tall Keen, who was on extremely heavy drugs at the time. It lay in virtual obscurity until 1995, when someone or other (no relation) was convicted of Hating the Classics and sentenced to Make a Really Bad Movie About One of Them. It has been called one of the greatest classics (I think it was by my friend Lance Bass, who said that after he fell off the toilet and hit his head) and is frequently considered to be "pretty darn good" by highly-educated readers, who can’t admit they didn’t really understand what was going on in the book. Not many people have actually read the book, because it’s extremely boring and full of useless crap, but those who have, have discovered that it’s sufficiently dull and loaded with pointless excrement. In spite (or possibly because) of this they have become die-hard LotR-geeks who dress up as the book’s characters and run a fan club. The reason why they do this for a book so boring is that they are convinced of their superiority, due to the fact that they have managed to do something most people haven’t; they've actually read the damn book. This is how the book's popularity increased; people thought there was actually something exciting in the book and then joined the fan club to perpetuate the self-delusion that they did all that work for nothing. The really smart people, of course, just saw the movie. Tolkien was writing another fourth book where Aragorn meets his war veteran buddy fron 'Nam and his cousin who was a middle aged New York City cop with marital problems and they go on an adventure to save the local youth center from Orc Capitalist contracters.

Contents 1 About the book 2 About the LOTRBFME 2 ROTWK game for the xbox 360 3 Men of the West 4 Characters 5 Sex Toys 5.1 Istari 5.2 Elves 5.3 Men & Women 5.4 Irish 5.5 The Bad Guys With Big Swords and Stuff 6 The novels/movies 7 Lord of da Blings: The Real Story 8 Popular Spin Offs 9 Fanbase 10 Trivia 11 Alternate Ending

[edit] About the LOTRBFME 2 ROTWK game for the xbox 360

LOTRBFME 2 ROTWK (Lots Of Tall Robots Banging Female Models Extreme 2 Rise Of The Walking Kittens) is a 1st person rape simulator. In this game you are an apache helicopter that flies around the battlefield controlling the minds of little men also known as "units". This game was created so the young (and old) minds of america and the EURO trash can experience how their parents hunted for their food in the 1800's. First you start out with a giant fortress designed by Micheal Jackson himself. You get two sex slaves to start out with. To start you select one of your sex slaves, then you make them build any type of building from a building menu ( you have to have enough money to build it first ) for those of you who are in the Dumbass catagory. Building a barracks or a some type of pit to recruit infantry is probably the first thing you should build, unless your ONE OF THOSE NEWBS that make a King Dain and rush into a base and kill your enemy within the first five seconds of the game. when you get your little infantry guys you should upgrade them. To upgrade your little unupgraded pansies you need a whorge works...where other sex slaves whore around and forge dildos. When you build a Whorge works you can buy uprgrades like Forged Dildos, Heavy Cum Armor and Fire Dildos ( Tyler's favorite ) when you get Forged dildos your men's swords start vibrating and glowing. They are glow in the dark dildos...very cool looking. When you get Heavy Cum Armor a whole bunch of mexicans start cumming on you and you get white armor. When you get Fire Dildos your archers simply take out their dildos they already had and start them on fire.

[edit] Men of the West

• Swordsman - They are complete pansy asses.
• Pikemen - You have to admit they look kickass . . .
• Gondor Archers - Morons; waste of money.
• Ithilien Rangers - No one can utter their name in public. One reason is because it's so frickin' hard to pronounce.
• Rhoherim - Cheap.
• Gondor Knights - Again, waste of money . . . they suck at everything.
• Boromir - Tall hornblower . . . dude. Frequently lets Pippin blow his horn of Gondor
• Aragorn - Creepy weirdo king dude. Enjoys playing with stuffed pigs and drinking tea imported from Ireland.
• Theodon - The . . . ah screw it. No one cares.
• Éomir - A "super major hottie" and an "Orlando in bloom." Good with Rhoherim . . . then again, anything's good with Rhoherim.
• Hobbits - They might as well be dissecting a cockroach in Bangkok--they are that useless.
• Éowyn - Introduced to us ( Satan help us) in the second movie, eowyn is a whiny ever so slightly emo slut. We first see her caring for uncle the king of rhohan, seemingly not noticing the fact that he hasn’t moved from his chair or been able to form a correct sentence in months. Then there’s some shots of her looking angstly in the distance for the next twelve minutes . Then her older brother gets exiled…blah blah blah….her cousin dies…no one cares blah blah blah. She ends up bitching to Aragon about how she wishes for glory, her speech is so tiresome that Aragon sends the entire duration playing table tennis with legolas. She rides into battle after Aragon discovers the diary she hid under her pillow which contains about 12cm worth of his hair and scribbles in red crayon saying Mrs. Eowyn heart heart Aragon. She then has a short fight scene with the witch-king….and for so reason wins, then forgets all of her dreams for glory and runs off after an equally emo Faramir.
• Gandalf - Glowy dildo wielder turns into a white guy later. Whoopdy-doo.
• Faramir - Lives in the shadow of his older brother Mario . . . wait a minute. . . .

BECAUSE:

[edit] Characters

• Dildo Faggins
• Richard Hammond (Extra)
• Bruce Willis

[edit] Sex Toys

• Tyler Wagner
• Travis Wagner
• Katie Wagner
• alex townsend
• Kevin Wagner (while he watches porn on the internet)
• Tyler Wagner's super vibrating controller

[edit] Istari

• Gandalf Known to his close "friends" as Dumbledore the Gay. A high-level mechanic. He has totally maxed out his mage level, as well as his Favored soul level. Everyday, he pwns n00bs and nubs alike in World of Warcraft He posses Glamdrig, a +5 sword of Goblin beat-down, and a AAA staff of luminescence (batteries not included). Killed by Snape in book 6. He is later reincarnated as Gandalf the Mulatto, but is killed by Darth Vader. He is reincarnated a third time as Gandald the Cracker, but killed by God who is pissed off with all the reincarnation crap. His favorite thing through all three lifes was bitching around and being gay with his staff.
• Sam The coolest character, he is charged with delivering the ring to Middle Earth. Unfortunetly, Frodo was gay with him until Sam made him the main character.
• Frodo A total loser who's always getting his ass in trouble. Sam always saves him. At the end, Frodo becames seduced by the rings power, and is thrown off the edge by Sam who is sick of Frodo and Pogo and other hobbits with names that sound similar.
• Pippin and Merry Spend all their time partaking in an incestuous gruesome twosome and also the occasional 'sword practice' with Boromir. Enjoy making friends with trees.
• Saruman the White - KKK A power-mad, white supremacist, wizard, founder of the KKK included in the series because scientists were so obviously not an option.
• Two Unknown Blue Istari went East, and are the by-product of Tolkien running out of colors but REALLY liking the number "5".
• Radagast Tha Noob He could talk to birds, and was morbidly obese. The founder of Mordor Fried Eagle.
• Randolf the Black dressed in pink and carried a cane instead of a staff.
• Dumbledore Poor sighted, old and low in magic skills, given his own spin off movie.
• Merlin King Arthur's bed bug, with a hot daughter!
• Yoda Use the force he does, orc's asses he does kick whilst creating Star Wars Battlefront 3.1415926... excited we are.

[edit] Elves

The Elder was Elves, lived in the West and the North and they are all virgins. Mainly because they couldn't get any. They are also of pure Russian blood, and, while being much fond of writing songs about how good they are, they secretly resort to genocides every now and then.

• Legolas (aka LegoBlock) Walks on snow. Sinks in water. Known to rape squirrels and cook their brains. Secretly lusts for dirty smelly Rangers, who don't like showering. Such as Aragorn (transexual). Is also in love with Gimli.
• Agent Elrond Also known as Elf-Lord Smith, Elrond Hubbard, Steve Howe, E, or Eyebrows. an eternally pissed off and annoying unsavory bastard hybrid who really, really, really thinks he is a wise-guy. He also has amazing powers and has spoken to Xenu. His most famous quote is, "Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Anderson." In his spare time he enjoys raping little boys, taking over the Matrix, and eating hotdogs. His half brother, Michael Jackson was delighted when he found out about his brother's rape charges, so he threw a party in Rivendell.

Michael invited his son, Marilyn Manson to the party and Elrond, Michael, and Marilyn had an orgy in the back of Galadriel's car.

• Galadriel She's single and ready. She freaks out when given coffee or when short little men hold up magical rings in her face. Her daughter, Celebrian, was an accidental child. When Galadriel was 15 she met Celeborn at a neighborhood party and shortly after a few drinks of mead she found herself in a closet with Celeborn, and Peter Griffin.

Neither man used a condom, so ten minutes later Celebrian was born.

• Arwen Bloody hot. Obsessed with Aragorn. Tends to let him 'glide in'. Now lives in L.A with Aragorn and her forty-eight kids. She has hideous knees and feet. Not that I'm a foot-guy or anything.
• Wayne Rooney Plays for Rivendell FC scoring over 200 goals in 3 games and killing just five players in the process, a season low for Rooney.

[edit] Men & Women

• Araporn Also known as 'Strider'. A mysterious man who likes dirty clothes and sleeping in the woods. Fancies pretty ladies,Arwen was a one off exception. A wannabe lonely soul, is in fact the king of Gondor. Looks very confused when being told that "They are taking the hobbits to Isengard". His hobbies include getting small children into his car.
• Slutolas Slutolas is Legolas' little slutty sister. You dont see her in the movie but in the deleted scenes she apears in the scene where herself and Legolas say there goodbyes to each other and have brother to sister sex.
• Tom Bombadil The best character, like some kind of dope character, he loves weed and magical-fairy mushrooms (magic mushrooms). he lives with a strange blond elf girl who he found sitting naked in a river smoking a joint. Convinces young hobbits to run around naked under the pretense of 'letting off steam'.
• Bumomir One mean bastard no one likes. His father is the steward of Gondor, which is the reason why Bumomir dislikes Aragorn, the legal king of Gondor who is coming to put his dad and him out of a job. Bumomir tries to take the ring, then dies. "Damn karma", were told be his last words. Sadly bad he didn't have time to convert to Hinduism or listen to any songs by John Lennon at that point. He gets to save a few hobbits and make peace with Aragorn before dying, so guess it wasn't such a bad case then. Is more than happy for hobbits to blow his horn of Gondor.
• Denethor The pervert father of Bumomir. He was a nerd of that time, but Instead of the internet he used the Palantír, magic balls taken from Sauron. He then stopped masturbating to hentai and killed himself. During his life, he was begged to join the Gondorian Fire department for his fireproof skin, but rejected them, as he preferred sitting in his hall stuffing his face while his children died pointless deaths to doing a good thing for once in his life.
• Fuckamir Bumomir's little brother, in his father's eyes a transexual, intersex, gay, whore-ass motherfucker (he fucked his mother). He fucked Éowyn in the end to show that he was not gay, and he had his intersexed vagina removed to stop getting fucked by his mother.
• Éowyn A hot girl who's far more interested in war than sucking dick and pleasing her future husband. She secretly lusts after Aragorn, but when he turns her away, she too goes emo and rides to war dressed as a man (there were no surgeons at that time that could have made her a man for real). She does a great deed no man could do, raping Michael Jackson - the main servant of Sauron and she didn't show any breasts, then goes home and commits adultery with Fuckamir.
• Tony Blair The original dunedan who was born with no parents, who done jack all as the leader and so became the Prime Minister of England and done jack all there.
• The Real Lord of the Rings Said to posses 40 rings a finger, the RLotR was said to be a most destructive and/or magical pimp. He was also said to own Mortal Kombat.

[edit] Irish

You know them party animals at the Prancing Pony? Definantly Irish!

[edit] The Bad Guys With Big Swords and Stuff

• ""Oprah"" Sauron's twin likes to have sex with unsuspecting hobbits. Her favorite rape victom, Sam Gamgee, is expected to have his rape child in a couple of months. "I plan to call him Frodo Jr." sobbed Gamgee into Oprah's sweater. Oprah also enjoys running around and grabbing random womans breasts.

• Anyone With Red Hair These were the orcs they are angry and ugly and are highly reactive to light and do not look to good on fire

• Lurtz The biggest badass around! Only when he becomes level 3 and gets carnage. HA NO MORE GONDOR HORN FOR YOU BORIMER!

• Dr. Phil The real bad guy this whole time who told Sauron to be cool and stay in school. He also found time to steal Gandalf's staff which uses AAAx3 batteries and the shards of narsil whilst moaning brap, brap, brap.

• Haradrim a group of circus freaks who got raped harder than 'Fresh Meat' at the state pen by a bunch of zombies and i dont know what the hell they feed there elephants to make them so big but have tiny penises.

• Sauron The bad guy of the story. He used to be a great dark lord, but then that damn Isildur came and cut off his finger. This itself only caused him severe confusion, for he had terrible pain in his finger that was no longer there, but the loss of the ring that was in that finger was what made him lose his power (it was a pretty ring!). After moaning for his ring for few thousand years he started to gather an army. He didn't have a normal physical form, instead he showed himself as a massive vagina. Others claim it's in fact an eye. They are wrong.

• Gollum likes to slide his sausage through the ring of power because he believes that its 'power' is to give orgasm. Little does he realise that such other things as masturbating and sex would give him the same feeling. He thinks that the ring is the only thing that can do this AND that he is the only one that has ever felt it. So he mindlessly follows Frodo around thinking that he has unlocked its power, belived to have several rape children with ham bamgee before biting Chewbaccas finger and jumping into a pool of lava.

• Furby This little talking furball laughs at you and talks in gibberish.

• Michael Jackson Wacko Jacko, the Dark Appendage of Sauron. Served as Sauron's eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and penis throughout the realm of Mordor. Was eventually slain when he made love to Eowyn - who was at that time disguised as a man. By the time he realized that what he had done was purely heterosexual, it was too late for Jacko.

• Black Riders (how racist) Originally a group of out-of-work network engineers, they pledged their allegiance to the dark lord and dubbed themselves the "Tolkien Ring Network" before deciding on the more menacing-sounding name, "Ringwraiths." A tightly-knit group, they enjoy preening each others' cloaks and flying on dragons. When you put on the Ring and look at them, they change from scary-ass black people to scary-ass white people

• Shelob Is a fan of Die Hard although she did not enjoy the fourth film which lead to her attack on poor Frodo. She is part of the band Blue previously known as Crap and has plans to begin her own chatshow called Cobwebs.

• Dwight Shrute The root of all evil.

• Balrog the Balrog was once a peaceful creature living in the Misty Mountains until one night when Gandalf was pissed out of his head, and stripped naked while setting the Balrog on fire. It was so fucking dumb it never thought to quench the flames. When the Fellowship came to Moria once more the Balrog threw Gandalf and himself down a crack in the shape of a dwarf's anus, seconds before realizing how dumb it was. He fell into a pool and was quenched, then after fighting with Gandalf a bit, realized they could be friends. They binge drinked on the peak of Zirak-zagilak-zigaliak until an eagle came, was raped by the Balrog, and took Gandalf away. The Balrog was so drunk he fell down the mountain, forever cracking his anus.

• Voldemort Gandalf's third cousin, most commonly known as the bastard who raped Harry Potter when he was only one. However things did move along for Voldemort when he brought a major share in Tesco's producing the 'Finest' brand as his speciality.slipped down 'the endless stair' in moria, slicing his testicles into small pieces.

[edit] The novels/movies

• Lord fat hobbits! Of The Rhymes (Trilogy) Sauron raps a bit, makes "bling", and takes over the world. Frodo saves it, though not with the dramatic fat hobbits! flair or spandex Supermfat hobbits! an could have brought to the scene.
• Tha Hobbit Prequel telling how Frodo's Uncle Bilbo finds Sauron's ring and steals shit.
• Quenta Silmarfat fat hobbits! Hobbits! Illion (also known as the Neverending Story) A battle, peace, another battle, peace, another battle, peace, random race dies out, another battle, peace, ect... ect.. ect...
• Lord of Fat Hobbits! He Rifat Hobbits! ngs - Oops! The missing fourth book to the three book trilogy. It all goes wrong and Frodo drops the fat hobbits' ring into Sauron's hand by accident, and they have to start all over again.
• I Disown My Middle Earth unofficial prequel written by Alan Driscoll, lead singer with techno band thewomb
• George Foreman 2 Sellffat hobbits! at hobbits! s Sauron Grillsfat hobbits!
• Frodo-Lord of fat hobbits! the ring Frodo drops Sam in the lava wears the ring and.. uhm .. nukes america and slaps god in the face then evaporates
• Captain Corellias Mandollin (Rumoured)
• Lord of the Fat Hobbits! Rings and all that Jazz See Aragorn, Legolas and the rest of the Fellowship like never before, with some great solo's and Urak-Hai Haku, this is unmissable. First showing at the fat hobbits! Portsmouth and Southampton Guildhalls.
• screw my ring New porn fetish film for noobs and dwarf lovers (hobbits aswell) coming 2009
• dildo faggins and the magical blue penis of azkaban smokin' new film from michael jacksonn and his homee G-bus Christt. comin soon ok so stop askin questions!
• Harry Potter and the return of the king

[edit] Lord of da Blings: The Real Story

One Bling to rule West Side Earth: So there was this bling as big as my grill ya'll. It was off the shizle dog and this gang called the Orc Bloods had it but the Cryp Men and The Elf Crew didn think it was chill so they jumped Saran and took the bling. Then this ugly mo fo found it and took it until this Hobbit jumped him and took da ring ya'll. Then Gandalf came to the Hobbit's apartment with some drugs and found the bling so he took it and gave it to his homes, Frodo. Frodo gonna take it to the Doom Pawn shop to sell so he can get some cash. So he go and he see Golem and he all ugly. Golem callenged Frodo to a break dance contest. There was some mad skill but Frodo one. Then Frodo and his homes are goin by and the Blood Orcs drive by and Frodo gets shot. Then Aragorn and Boramere come and save Frodo. Frodo is taging a building and Boremere takes the bling so Aragorn caps a pop up his ass and gets the Bling Back. So Legolas and Gimly come an they all baggin all da time. Gimly like "yo mama so fat i jump her she bleed hershy surrup". So they get to the pawn shop and they have a gang war in Oskilioth, the old parking lot, and Frodo and his crew all win. So Frodo get a billion dolla for da bling and lives happilly ever after. PEACE

[edit] Popular Spin Offs

• Lord of the Things
• Bored of the Rings
• Good lord, wheres my ring?!
• An evening with Dildo Baggins
• Lord of the Lords
• Ring of the Rings
• Ring of the Lords
• 101 Hobbits
• HOT XXX STEAMY ELF ACTION
• The Paris Hiltons 101 rings
• Lord of the CNN
• The Brotherhood of the Bracelet
• A Couple of Towers
• Hey Look: The King is Back!
• Your Hobbit Hole or Mine?
• The Lord´s Balls
• Summoning

[edit] Fanbase

Lord of the Ring's fans are distinguishable by their distinct lack of personality and obesity. The proportion of people who actively discuss Lord of the Rings, as opposed to reading once and then saying - 'That was brilliant book. I might read it again sometime and bring it up in casual conversation' don't have sex on a regular basis is startling. A recent poll conducted by the Washington Post reported that 98% of interviewee's were virgins, with a 1% margin of error.

But as I'm sure you all know writing all this is much sadder than reading and discussing a book-i bet you hardly had time to have all that sex you have since you have been doing this cool piece of text.

[edit] Trivia

• At the end of the badly made movie it is not in fact the power of the crazy ring being destroyed that makes the tower fall over. In fact, it is found that when termites munch on a building for 4000 years it makes it collapse in a downward direction where the gravity is.
• Elrond Hubbard was named for a LOTR character by his parents, who were avid LOTR fans and hoped he would grow up to be an Elf, which he did. He became a writer of science fiction (his works included "Bilbo Baggins Saves the Universe" and "How Sauron Would Have Been A Much Happier Person If He'd Read 'Dianetics'" before he found his true calling as a cheesemaker.

• The book "The Lord of the Rings" was never actually written prior to the making of the films. The concept was wholly the brainchild of the brilliant genius filmmaker P. "Ter" Jackson, who filmed it in a record ten days using a home video camera, a PC and a few of his friends and other people who lived in the neighborhood. One of those people who writes cheap books based on films then wrote a cheap book based on the films, and New Line Cinema, realizing that the films would have more appeal if people thought they were based on a classic, organized a massive conspiracy to make people think the book came first, which included mass hypnosis. The book turned out to be better than the movies and the rest is history.

• The book is movie than the book. Way better.

• Anyone who switches the words "book" and "movies" in the above two sentences will be fed to Shelob.

• It is rumored that The Lord of the Rings 4: Frodo and Sam on Brokeback Morgul is in production. It is planned to rated R for some disturbing images that may involve Frodo, Sam, Gandalf, Galadriel, Wormtounge, Gollum, Lurtz, a worg, the Witch-King of Angamar, and an S&M paddle.

• Originally to make the film more believeable the Hobbits were actually played by children and Gollum was a stalker played by Gary Glitter

• Based on real life events

• Gollum was based on Mahatma Ghandi

• The orcs were modelled on Pete Byrne's face

[edit] Alternate Ending

• Gollum climbed out of the Molten Pit and opened up a small sporting goods shop. He used the slogan 'I have it all my precious' when advertising the shop. As a person he was hugely competitive so when he learned that JJB Sports was receiving better income he burned all the stores down just after stealing anything which resembled a ring. Everytime the Police tried to question him he would say 'okay Hobbits follow me' and when they did they never returned.

• Frodo decided to pursue his life-long dream of becoming a Fireman because he grew up watching Fireman Sam. The issue was that the only transport he had was a horse and cart and he could only travel with so much water. So whenever there was a fire he would get Thorondor to check it out and if more than 50 people could potentially be killed he would not go.

• luke garner was taken on by Channel Four news and then furthered his career by becoming the host of popular daytime TV show This Morning. He later went into the stunt business, which involved him riding a unicycle up an elephant whilst firing arrows at a dart board. This was the star attraction at the Medieval Times in Orlando, Florida during Christmas.

• Aragorn took the throne of Gondor, but found little enjoyment in ruling, so he decided to become the new celebrity sponsor for Kellogg's cereals. He wrote an autobiography called "King Ellesar - Gondor, Rohan, My Brothers" which was sold-out in every Toys-R-Us around the world. Rumour has it that he was also offered a part by George Lucas to be in Star Wars-Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith where he was going to play Chewbacca's girlfriend, 'Aragornabacca'.

• Gandalf the White decided to take an early retirement. After all, he is only 5000 years old or something. However, he found that playing golf against Tiger Woods and Vijay Singh was a bore so he then moved into a retirement home where he had daily wheel chair races with Sauron, Saruman and the Darth twins, Vader and Sideous. He is currently winning in the league table with 100 wins and only 6 broken wheelchairs. It has also been suggested that his twin brother Gandalf the Grey may be transferred to the same home soon.

• Fuckamir and Bumomir became the new hosts of Top Gear following the tragic shrinking of Richard Hammond and Jeremy Clarkson becoming the host of a new programme about Trains called Top Railway Station. James May took the news badly and moved to America where he has enrolled into a creative writing class and is trying to pass his driving test, which is the real reason that he used to be called 'Captain Slow'.

• Merry and Pippin brought out Somerfields and became dictators under the Halfwit regime of 3250. They were able to take over the majority of Middle-Earth but Samwise Gamgee as Mayor of The Shire and an army of 300 Halfwits were able to hold them off from taking over Hobbiton on Misty Mountain by manipulating them into having a third helping of breakfast and some fireworks.

• Gimli could not stop drinking coffee whilst using his paddle-boat to travel to White Shores in record time. What he didn't realise was that it is just a set in a warehouse in New Zealand, so he never made it and to this day is still stuck on it somewhere towards the edge of Mordor (a floating rock).

• Éowyn became a housewife after marrying Faramir, making a new fashion label called Rohirrim for size 18's and above. She also starred in ITV's Family Fortunes where she won £5000 for her chosen charity, The Hobbit film production. She asked Faramir to renew their vows just a couple of weeks after they got married because it was revealed that Faramir may have had an affair with 'pop bald girl' Britney Spears, although he suggests that the only time they met was in Boromir's closet during the christmas party.

• Arwen found that her transformation from Elf into Human was unsuccessful, so she asked her hubby, Aragorn, for money to allow her to go on the new Cosmetic Surgery programme, 'All I Want To Do Is Be An Elf Again'. Sadly she did not make it through the programme due to her agent, Victoria Beckham, calling her up and informing that Disney wanted her to star in their new animation, Toy Story 3: Sitting On Death's Door. They offered her the part of new character, Elf-Human, a action figure from a fantasy film which involves a ring. Sounds great!!!

• Éomer entered the Guinness Book of Records for killing the greatest number of Orcs in 1 hour, the record now standing at 100,000. His next record attempt is to bungee jump off the top of Minas Tirith. He also has a plan to take over Gondor which involves the use 1,000,000 lightsaber wielding Rohirrim, a band known as Westlife and a giant size Rubber Duck.

• James Blunt, sorry I mean the Witch-King of Angmar, took singing lessons and then auditioned for the X Factor which he later won. He then released his first album called 'Cry me a Frodo Baggins' which was No.1 for a record 10 years. In addition he also brought a substantial share in Toys-R-Us and offers new discounts, such as, 'Buy one toy get stabbed in the face for free!'

• Bilbo moved out of his mum's house in the Shire and went to live with Madonna in Los Angeles. He received a star on the Walk of Fame, which he engraved with a ring which when stepped on made you become invisible for an hour. People took this an advantage to then go and rob shops and burgle peoples houses causing crime rates to soar. Arnold Swarzeneger, the mayor of Los Angeles, had this to say about the matter, "I'll be back." Then he entered a helicopter and flew into the ocean.

• Galadriel became a Director at Nestlé and came up with new ideas to improve Coco Pops, with one plan being to add leaves and other nutritious products. She was also part of a team of Elves who began to create Weapons of Mass Destruction and test them in Isengard. It was rumoured that she divorced her husband and then had a relationship with very old flame Gandalf the Grey.

• Elrond became the Chairman of Rivendell United Football Club and brought a white cat which he couldn't stop stroking. The team have won the league a straight 200 years in a row due to the success story that is Wayne Rooney. As a part time job he also began to work the late shifts in KFC, and one particular night he accidentally put his cat into the deep fat fryer, causing the fast food restaurant to change its name to Kentucky Fried Pussycat.

• Denethor fell into a deep spell of depression. He eventually sold the rights to his name to Paramount for a programme called 'Sleepy Denethor,' and so simply became known as Grumpy Old Grey Hair Man. He ended up living in the suburbs of Portsmouth only to be knived by a couple of Youths screaming "Brap, Brap, Brap".

• Théoden was presented numerous awards for his achievements in the battle on the Pelénnor Fields, these included an OBE, an Oscar, a BAFTA, an MTV Award to say a few. He opened an orphanage for under privileged Horses and taught them how to run into a brick wall. To this day only one horse has survived and been adopted.

• Grimbold took his company 'Mercenary of de Rohan' to new depths when he opened a new store on the moon. There you could go and ask one of his mercenaries to go and kick terrorist ass, of course by invitation only. He was recently asked if he was offered the job of 2nd driver for McClaren F1 Racing following the disappearance of Fernando Alonso and promotion of Lewis Hamilton but he decided to give no comment except, 'If it was true then I'd be lying if I said I wasn't offered the job.'

• Gamley decided that the lifestyle of a 'Z' List celebrity was boring, so he began to work in Burger King. He even released an autobiography which revealed the ingredients of the burgers, the list, compiling of 5 things was a shock to the world, the first being 1000Kg of salt, 20,000 litres of aviation fuel, 250 chavs, 50 crowbars and 1% of the worlds water supply. After being gang pressed he moved out of New Zealand and went to live in London Zoo where he is the top attraction for the public because the lions are still struggling to eat through his carcass.

• Lurtz, disgusted by his brothers defeat at Helm's Deep, refused to settle down into a relationship with another Urak-Hai, so he moved abroad to Spain. There he has set up a nightclub and a restaurant where you can eat fresh human corpse whilst watching the Rodeo involving the Wargs.

• Barliman Butterbur was named Landlord of the Year for five consecutive years and resolved to give free chunks of butter to every customer along with bread and red wine. He also upgraded the pool table and bought a pinball machine, an arcade machine, a bouncy castle and a license to sell McDonalds there. He also was part of a consortium to buy a British indoor Go-Karting company.

• The One Ring was actually a limited edition Haribo ring which could have been handed in for a superb years supply of Haribo sweets. It was last seen on the ring finger of David Beckham and he used its power to shoot the best free kicks the world had ever seen. Except every time he kicked the ball rather than ending up in the net at Wembley it ended up in the Nou Camp.

• Shelob went to councelling sessions to stop her depression following the death of her children. She tried to become the Mayor of London promising the people that she would only eat some of them and stop the current violence. This did not go down very well with the voters and so on the day of election results everyone got out their picth forks went to her house and they all played a nice game of Twister. She would have won had Sauron not voted for Ken Livingston.

• Elendil came back from the dead to haunt the Seven Dwarfs, Tom Cruise, Richard Hammond, Benji Madden, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Elton John, Mark Owen and Tony Blair. They all died very slow painful deaths after he tricked them into coming to dinner with him. The first mistake in them coming was that he made them go to McDonalds and everybody knows that you are either poisoned or have a heart attack from going there. Secondly he made each and everyone of them order the new surprise burger which he secretly placed 'Death Sauce' in. Combined they stood no chance although Richard Hammond put up a fight because he had his stomach removed following his high speed crash earlier in his life. So Elendil just stabbed him.

• The Ringwraiths all went to flying school so they could join the Festival of Air. They tried to get jobs at British Airways but they were not after Kamikaze pilots. After that bombshell they joined the elite 'League of Gentlemen' where they could morph into one massive Ringwrath with such a high pitch scream that it would blow your brain up.

• Thorondor the great eagle joined the 'Wacky Racers' driven by Scooby-Doo. He has only ever won two races out of 1000 because nearly every other time he gets into a fight with his driver. There relationship has continued to deterior to the point that Thronder has quit. He is now looking for a job in astronomy whether that is teaching or being used as an actual rocket, he's not to picky.

• Isildur heartbroken by his loss of the one ring stole Harry Potters wand as well as Darth Vaders precious lightsaber. He combined the two to create a 'Wandsaber' the most fearsome weaponry which someone could be armed. However secretly in the Underworld Frankenstein was producing a even more fearsome weapon..........his son. For many years they battled from Mordor to the Shire until one day they touched and fell upon them a fatal curse. They would have to speak like Yoda would they until the day they very die.

• Gothmog became the godfather of his own Mordorian Mafia. They worked with the Middle-Earth community finding out the best way in which everyone could be killed. However Aragorn foiled their plan to kill everyone so chopped of Gothmogs other arm and his reformed head. As painful as it was for Gothmog he certainly learnt his lesson and returned to his original dream job as a Kindergarden teacher.

• Grima Wormtongue gave up on sucking up to Saruman and so returned to Rohan. There he had trouble with the mischievous 'Rohando' the strongest man ever concieved. He was the size of Arnold Swarzeneger but the difference was that the circumference of his arm was five times the size of Arnie's. He ended up living on the outskirts of Mordor after he was punched all the way there. Of course no one felt sorry for the little snitch.

• The King of the Dead tried his hand at Tennis joining the Men's ATP Tour. He never one a game because whenever the ball came near him it always flew straight through the racket. Therefore he tried his hand at Poker, he got professional lessons from Gordon Brown the worst poker player in the world and by lady luck he won the first time he went to the table with a Royal Flush earning himself a massive $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

• The Mountain and Cave Trolls bored of hiding away all converted to the Christian faith so they could meet the Pope and beg for forgiveness. They came to an agreement and they ended up become his personal guard with the power of ten men each meaning the Pope could live a peaceful life for the rest of eternity was humming the Star Wars tune in his head when he feels lonley.

• The rest of the Dwarfs became so greedy that they had to eat there own riches just to ensure that another family member would not attempt to have it. Therefore the Dwarf leader had to change the currency to Dwarfs. The conversion rate currently is 5 Dwarfs for every £1 or $2.50 which is rather good following the collapse of the stock exchange.

• The Elfs all very strong warriors made an arena bigger than the colliseum in Rome called 'The Bigger Colliseum'. Where they would hold massive battles showcasing their abilities with a blade and bow and arrow. Every battle no one died because of their ability to quickly dodge and weave but none the less the attendance for the event continued to rise because it was so entertaining.

• The Goblins could not be bothered to leave so just sat around considering what a waste of a life they were having. Contemplating the true importance of the one ring.

• The Orcs all joined a linguist class of some sort learning a range of languages from French, to Spanish, to Irish, to Scottish, to Welsh, to American, to Portuguese, to Cantanese, to German, to Dutch or canadian french and many more.

• The Urak-Hai upset by the loss of their master, Saruman, went travelling around Middle-Earth searching for artefacts which may be of some value such as Boromirs horn of Gondor. One of the Urak-Hai started a program on it called Time Team.

• The Men were all knighted for services to Aragorn in the battle of the Pelennor fields and at the Black Gates.

• All the other Hobbits either left the Shire or ate until they exploded because Samwise Gamgee could not be bothered to govern them. He was too busy being Frodo's gardener.

• Overall everyone died after they realised that they were made up characters. They lost all spirit and hope as well as the fact that they had aged significantly. They all became ancient figures of history hence the reason we right there names here on Uncyclopedia. The best encyclopedia ever concieved. All thats left to say is...........'Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!'

• The last surviving Orcs decided to create a band and go on the road. That band is now known as Pearl Jam.
• The last surviving Orcs breeded with each other until they shat little baby Orcs from the arse. This created a new army which overtook the relm of men and made them there sex slaves.