The Marriage of Figaro
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The Marriage of Figaro is the first part of Mozart's operatic Hot Sex Trilogy. It premiered at the Comic-Con Convention in 1786.
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[edit] Background
One day, Mozart was drinking with his pals and saw a chicken. Logically, he started raping it, much to the disapproval of his friends. One of his friends said "why waste your time raping chickens when you could be writing an opera about Figaro." Since Mozart did not know who he was, his friend explained how he was a barber who kept singing his name in opera parodies, but like really fast. Mozart thought he was kinda neat, so he completed the score that very same night, hence the drunken-like sound of the music.
[edit] Plot
[edit] Overture
Duh, nothing happens in the Overture, it's just the orchestra playing. The opening figure, in a quick tempo, shows right away the effects of the drunkness Mozart was in. Mozart thought the woodwinds were strings so he just have them these phrases which sound like burping and farting and vomiting from all the licor.
[edit] Act I
Figaro is screwing Susanna on the carpet.
- (Duet: Five, Ten, Twenty, Thirty Orgasms...)
Then Susanna says she's gonna screw the Count. Figaro doesn't want that.
- (Duet: You unfaithful bitch.)
Susanna leaves to have lesbian sex with the Countess instead and Figaro declares his gay love for the Count.
- (Cavatina: I'd like to dance with you and then hit the sheets, Count.)
He leaves to find him. Enter old Doctor Bartolo and the filthy whore Marcellina, Figaro's parents. Shocked at his sexual behaviour, they decide to kill him. Unfortunately, Fiagro is not only gay but also incompetent.
- (Aria: Revenge. Muahahaha.)
And Bartolo leaves. Then Susanna enters and has some more lesbian sex with her soon-to-be mother-in-law. Oh yeah, I javen't told you about the actual marriage.
- (Duet: Are you satisfied, madam?)
Marcellina leaves and Cherubino, the resident kid, enters. Susanna, being a pedo, makes advances towards him, and he says how hot she is.
- (Aria: I don't know if we should start in the front or the back.)
The Count comes in, eager to possess Susanna, so Cherubino hides behind Figaro's massive sex doll. The Count starts doing it with Susanna, but the music teacher Basilio walks in so the Count wants to hide behind the doll, so Susanna puts Cherubino inside the doll's vagina. Basilio says he doesn't have any sexual urges, so he keeps talking about the Count's sexual urges for women, insects, chickens and Osama Bin Laden. The Count didn't want Basilio to give out such personal details, so he storms out of his hiding place.
- (Trio: STFU right now.)
Basilio then decides to talk about Cherubino's sexual practices, and the Count describes that morning in which he found him inside a peasant girl's vagina, like THIS, the Count exemplifies, opening the doll's vagina, and revealing Cherubino. The Count eventually decides to send him to a brothel, and the peasants walking in, singing of the joys of sex.
- (Chorus: Vaginal, Anal or Oral, it's your filthy pick.)
Figaro simply decides to walk in and talk about the good times Cherubino is going to have
- (Aria: No more keeping your pants on, amorous butterfly.)
[edit] Act II
The Countess is alone in her room masturbating
- (Aria: Give me pleasure, God of Love.)
Susanna walks in and describe's her morning of hot sex with Figaro and Marcellina, and apologizes for not coming to the lesbian orgy. Figaro walks in with hopes of a threesome. The girls say they are not interested in him, but they could take Cherubino. Like, super excited, Cherubino just starts to sing. Yeah, like, in the context of the opera.
- (Arietta: You who know how to give the best BJ's.)
To satisfy their lesbian needs, they start dressing him like a woman. But the Count knocks. He also wants a threesome. Since he wouldn't want a foursome with Cherubino, the girls hide him in the closet and Susanna leaves in a hurry. The Countess says she was really only having sex with Susanna, but the Count is suspicious because she got her clothes on very quickly if that ever happened. He finds the closet door locked, and insists to go find the key, taking the Countess with him. When Susanna re-enters and tells Cherubino to come out, he comes out of the closet, thus transforming into a homosexual. Not interested in Susanna anymore, he jumps out the window to find young men to assrape. Susanna decides to hide in the closet to make fun of the Count, and it won't harm her since she's already bisexual. The Count walks in again and the glorious finale of Act II starts.
- (Finale: Open the door nigga.)
During the 20 minute finale, Figaro, Bartolo, Marcellina, Basilio, Cherubino, Antonio and the chorus walk in, and they all have a massive orgy.
[edit] Act III
In the room, the Count reflects the orgy at the end of Act II and naturally starts describing it. Susanna walks in so they plan to meet for a quickie beneath the pine trees.
- (Duet: Bring the Whip.)
The Count leaves and the chorus walks in with the Countess: they were just finishing up the orgy
- (Chorus: What Pleasure We Had.)
The Countess wonders where are the days of the hot sex she used to have with her husband. Now he only likes coprophilia.
- (Recitative and Aria: Susanna hasn't come yet to pleasure me...Where are those multiple orgams of excitement.)
Susanna finally walks in and together, they write a pornographic letter to the Count, describing what sex Susanna and the Count will have beneath the pine trees
- (Duet: The wind will blow upon your naked body.)
The chorus walks in reminding everyone of the case of Revenge Bartolo is pursuing against his son.
- (Chorus: Like, he's crazy.)
The wedding march starts playing, so Figaro and Susanna are going now (March: OK, g2g.) Then they all start dancing and Susanna gives the Count the pornographic letter (wait, didn't she leave? Oh, nevermind.) Then the trial starts and they all find out Bartolo and Marcellina's are only Figaro's adoptive parents. He is your brother. Yeah, cuz his mom is Your Mom. And you are his dad. That means you had sex with your mother. No wait, I already said you were his brother. OK, you can be his uncle. Well anyway, Bartolo celebrates the fact he doesn't need revenge on Figaro anymore, and the Count is angry cuz he thought he would see some raping action from Bartolo. They again have an orgy.
[edit] Act IV
Act IV is all one massive orgy, with such varied objects such as pins and pine tree roots, Eventually, the Count promises he will make intercourse with his wife more pleasurable, Cherubino drops out of the brothel to live a life of sexual adventures with men (remember how he came out of the closet) and Basilio loses his virginity to a donkey. All ends happily.
[edit] Reception
The opera was extremely well received and soon started touring the world. As a bonus, after the performance, the conductor would offer as an encore to the audience a massive orgy with the entire cast and orchestra. Tickets were usually sold out within four seconds. It become so immensely popular Mozart followed it with a spin-off, an opera entitled "Don Giovanni" and also known by its subtitle "Stone Guys and Stoned Guys." Figaro's tunes also became popular moanings during intercourse.
