The Matrix (films)

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The Matrix is a gritty film trilogy set in Chicago about the quest of a small group of downtown shoppers to find one of the city's last remaining landlines (public-access toilets). Unfortunately, the remaining locations not only have very long lines, but these lines are made up of asshole yuppie insurance salesmen on lunch break from a Continuing Deceptive Practices convention. As the pressure mounts and the load for each landline exceeds critical levels, it is closed, and all the people waiting in line have to scurry to try to get a place waiting for one of the others. They are disappearing faster than free pornography on the Web did around 2000, which is to say, it looks like the hero shoppers will have to learn to break the oppressive conventions of the mundane world and develop an appreciation for the feeling of having a load in their pants. The only thing they have going for them are guns, lots of guns. The films are based 100% on a true story.

Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Laertes gets poisoned by his own sword, Harold and Kumar are going to Amsterdam, the Bride's real name is Beatrix Kiddo, and her daughter is alive, Kreia was a Sith Lord and only Atton and the Disciple saw that coming, Creedy kills Sutler and is in turn killed by the mortally wounded V, Alex betrays everyone to get the Golden Sun, your rival has already beaten the Elite Four, the Dark Lord shall rise again, Jack's name actually is Ernest after all, Bertha Crow is the answer and Bertha Crow is the winner, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!

1 The Matrix
2 The Matrix II, Reblosted
3 The Matrix III, Revolutions
4 The Matrix IV Resuscitation
5 The Matrix V Re-conciliation
6 The Matrix Christmas Special
7 The Animatrix
8 Advertising
- 8.1 Ban
9 Quotes
10 Cast
11 See Also

[edit] The Matrix

The writing's on the landline wall for Morpheus and Neo, but will they ever get the chance to read it?

Main article: The Matrix I

In the first film, Morpheus approaches Neo and tells him that he is the one and how much he has always wanted to find a beautiful boy like him. After a few minutes of earnest discussion, the two decide to drop some red pills Morpheus scored from a nice lady with a tattoo of a white rabbit, and repair to the restroom of a shopping center at Adams and Wabash to learn more about the true nature of their physical bodies.

Unfortunately there is some asshole insurance agent squatting on that landline like it's his own personal property who won't move unless the two of them both agree to sign up for Long Term Life with adjustable rates and a retroactive cancellation clause. They try to reason with him for a couple of minutes but eventually Morpheus decides he has to pull out a Tec-9 and do the muthafucka right there in the toilet. (According to the plumber the guy completely destroyed the place and the pipes had to be redone all the way up the main wetwall from the basement... but he gets paid by the hour) Did I mention the guy is the FBI's Most Wanted Terrorist And All Around Hero? Well, after that Neo and Morpheus decide they'd better repair to another landline four or five blocks away, and it's only after they start walking out that Neo realizes that he really has to pee, but the landline they came from is already swarming with cops.

After this they stop at a street vendor who sells cookies and tells fortunes. Morpheus gives her $10 and she assures him that Neo is the one. Seeking consummation of their relationship, he leads Neo into another mall toilet, but it's full of goddamn insurance salesmen. The first time one of them tries to give him a card he pulls out a handgun and Pow! right in the forehead, do not pass go do not collect $200 Mr. Corporate Know It All, you be dead, muthafucka. It's a great scene but somehow he gets nabbed by the FBI, who seize him for interrogation, water boarding, and extraordinary rendition at their secret FEMA concentration camp hidden in a secret room at the new library in Columbine High School.

Well, Neo just about gives up on poor Morpheus and decides to settle down for a nice steady relationship with this girl Trinity he ran into, and all would be fine, except they get back to her house and before he does anything much he has to pee, so he walks into her bathroom and there is another one of those dumb ass insurance salesmen! I mean, would you believe it, the guy wants to come back to the conference with a sale so he is camped out in Trinity's bathroom with a Webcam threatening to show the whole Internet the boobies she was reviewing with Neo in the other room, unless he buys the Triple Deluxe package. So Neo pulls out a couple of AK-47s Morpheus had him carrying around in a bag for him and defends her sacred honor. Then he realizes he's now a wanted terrorist just like Morpheus, and worse he's managed to completely destroy yet another landline and now he has to do #1 real bad, #2 mostly bad, and #3 just about every way with Trinity and Morpheus, pretty much in that order.

There's nothing to do for it but saddle up Trinity and himself in bondage harnesses and guns (lots of guns) and drive off the war wagon to Columbine High School. Oh, and don't forget the big black trenchcoats - the school is in some dinky Midwest hick town that has a blue law that says you can't walk into a high school with a bunch of guns unless you're wearing a black trenchcoat. Damn liberal gun grabbers! They walk into the school lobby and Neo asks where the secret FEMA interrogation concentration camp is, but all the kids give him funny looks and the security guards start nudging each other and asking about the funny couple in the black trench coats. One of them asks them to please "insure" that all metal items are in the tray in front of him, and suddenly Neo realizes that everybody there is really just an insurance agent in disguise! So he pulls out the guns and redesigns the whole high school for them, removing lots of insurance agents and creating more of a Frank Lloyd Wright style with fewer structural supports to hinder the building's graceful planned obsolescence. (You can bet their rates are going up next year!) In desperate need for a restroom, Neo pees all over the lobby and drops a load in the elevator, greatly hindering law enforcement from pursuing him since they don't want to get crap on their black shiny FBI shoes. When he gets to the library he actually finds Morpheus and a helicopter to fly away in. (and you were thinking he was crazy - shame on you!)

After killing no more than three or four more cops and/or insurance agents, Neo, Morpheus, and Trinity fly off happily into the sunset in one another's arms.

The DVD cover for The Matrix Rebloated.

[edit] The Matrix II, Reblosted

Neo explains to the judge that he never actually shot any of those cops, but magically stopped all their bullets in mid-air and turned each of them around 180^o, in furtherance of his constitutional right to return mail to sender.

Main article: The Matrix II Reblosted

In The Matrix Reblosted, Morpheus and his merry band of terrorists hide out in Zion, a maze of tunnels under Chicago formerly used by all the El trains that have been shut down since the golden age of public transit in 1896, and are now occupied by Rastafarians and endless fields of marijuana plants, under grow lights powered by the Energizer Bunny or some similar product placement deity. The residents of Zion have a crazy party while Neo and Trinity have sex in her apartment. The Rastafarians keep thumping on the ceiling of their tunnels asking the two of them to keep it down up there, but Neo really has to be vigorous to make up for the fact that Trinity is still technically a woman. Eventually Morpheus wanders up to finish Keanu off, entering the apartment using a special key that can unlock any door called a "sledge hammer". Trinity is a bit upset about the door but the three of them share a potent batch of weed and soon find a way to ease one anothers' tensions.

Later they work out a plan to kidnap The Architect, the all-powerful corporate designer capable of commanding that every commercial building in Chicago be built with a public restroom, so that nobody would buckle under the load of shoppers and have to shut theirs down. This evil Communist conspiracy is opposed by The Twins (two incredibly white guys from the John Birch Society). Eventually Neo manages to meet the Architect, who persuades him that this mindless cloud-cuckoo crusade to be able to take a crap while shopping downtown is a stupid idea, absolutely unworkable and really at odds with the whole ideal of American commerce, and wouldn't he rather just go down on Trinity instead?

[edit] The Matrix III, Revolutions

Main article: The Matrix III Revolutions

In The Matrix Revolutions, the insurance salesmen return in force and enact a plan for the absolute destruction of Zion. They start by reopening one of the train stations with a security guard to keep anybody from peeing anywhere on the platform. Neo ends up trapped on the subway station hopping from one foot to the other waiting for a train, any train, to come and get him out of there, which seems to take forever. This is based 100% on a true story.

Meanwhile the insurance company plans to commandeer the city's supply of medical marijuana and force all patients onto highly expensive dangerous pharmaceutical drugs. They do this by drilling down into the Zion marijuana farms and extracting all the THC from the plants and any stray Rastafarians by a superheated steam distillation from the wellhead. But Neo gets them to agree to hold off their attack if he kills all 3,731 of their veteran salesmen before their retirement benefits are vested. The company does the math and agrees cheerfully. After Neo and his terrorists do the dirty work for them the company has the lot of them sedated and transported to a rubber room for the criminally insane, where they all live happily ever after except when their dose is late. The doses come from a stockpile of a new pharmaceutical grade steam-distilled triple pure THC made by a proprietary process somewhere in Chicago, which the company acquired shortly after their hospitalization.

Everyone's favorite scene of the movie

[edit] The Matrix IV Resuscitation

A fourth film is currently complete but is not going to be released until 2008. In this fourth installment to The Matrix Trilogy, Neo is brought back to life. Although he is a braindead vegetable.

He is only kept alive by a life support system. Which Bubba and Trinity (There was no explanation given in the resurrection of Trinity.) want kept in as Morpheus and Jimbo want it out. Eventually, each side starts suing one another until it becomes a massive legal battle. Eventually, Trinity looks at the Wikipedia code and finds out that Neo has been cheating on her with Niobe from Reblosted. After rescuing her from a program more evil than Agent Smith, The Evil Cockroach of Doom. Who is running an illegal Wiki Administrators stalking operation with The Perovingian. Trinity quickly changes her side and petitions to have Neo killed. Even though leaving The Perovingian and the Cockroach alive would result in the sexification of all Wiki Admins. The film ends here.

A continuation of the story is supposed to be released sometime in 2080. This film was ranked number 34 on The List of Worst 100 Movies of All Time by some critic who saw a prescreening. He said "This film has nothing to do with the trilogy. It's just a big load of crap."

[edit] The Matrix V Re-conciliation

Due to release on summer 2008. It takes viewer on a different approach to the Matrix installment. The wachowski sisters and oscar wilde team up once again, but this time with sucktology pioneer tom crooze on the A-list. This 5th part of the matrix installment tells the story of how neo reconcilied with his girlfriend, trinity (played by mr crooze's ex Mico Childman). At the opening scene as soon on the trailer @ www.applee.com/trailers, it shows neo hacking into trinity's MSN and pose as her. he then went on to install some trojan virus on her computer and suddenly her screen went blank and read, follow the black rabbit..

The movie was still under production when this infor was released. The producer have kept a tight lip on the script but let known that an A-list of actors will be in the project such as :

Barney and friends

Borat aka Sacha baron cohen

Knight Rider aka David Hasselhoff

Macgyver aka Richard Anderson

Ricky Bobby aka Will Ferrel

Bruce Almighty aka Jim Carrey

Dick Cheney aka Dick Cheney

[edit] The Matrix Christmas Special

A Christmas version of The Matrix was made in 2005. It featured Neo as Santa, Agent Smith as the Morpheus' brother who doesn't believe in Santa, Trinity as Ms. Santa, and Morpheus as the kid who believes in Santa. In the film, Agent Smith bullies Morpheus. In the end, Morpheus is given a new sewer ship while Smith is given a bag of Green code.

All copies of "The Matrix Christmas Special" were bought up by the Wachowski Brothers after its broadcast. They refuse to release it and claim it has no "canon" linkages to the Matrix films. VHS Copies are only available from a fat greasy Comic Book Guy at your local Star Trek Convention.

[edit] The Animatrix

Main Article:The Animatrix

A series of hentai cartoons was created to pacify fans of The Matrix waiting for The Matrix Revolutions. The cartoons explain many random things such as how The Huffer was destroyed, or how Wikiland started running on the new human powered batteries. They were written and directed by the same person who created the Japanese version of V For Vendetta. They were very successful and critically acclaimed. And then, there was an explosion and everything was covered in chocolate.

[edit] Advertising

"Hey Morpheus, Its a clip on!" An advertisement for Dillards. Seen here in The Matrix Reblosted.

As these films grew in popularity. Many companies began advertising on the films. Including Microsoft, which showed how The Matrix ran better and Agent Smith copied better on Windows XP than a Mac. OS. Other companies such as Dillards(seen right) advertised by spamming the movies with quotes such as "Hey Morpheus, It's a clip on!". Boring video games such as Final Fantasy advertised themselves on The Matrix, with posters such that said things like "Trinity's Brief appearance on Final Fantasy X2".

[edit] Ban

These films were banned in Redneckton, Alabama, by the Conservative Racist Administration Practice(Crap) due to the depiction of their leader, *Censored*, as an ecstasy addict who has sex every hour on the hour.

[edit] Quotes

“ My word, I thought the Matrix was a computer sex game designed to give you eroticism. So you mean I was not to put my dillewager into that small hole on the disc???”

~ Oscar Wilde on The Sex Matrix

“ Worst sequel ever”

~ Comic Book Guy on The Matrix Reblosted

“Of course, none of the humans realized that the Matrix was just another matrix inside of the real matrix, and that what they thought was the real world was the actual Matrix itself. So basically, all of their accomplishments never made a difference.”

~ The Architect

“ You are the one. The one to huff all, all the fucking asshole kittens" .”

~ Trinity on The Matrix

"“Listen, you promised me. I be the "One" and save you, and you give me an indentured Puerto Rican slave named Ricco to guard my money.”

~ Neo on The Matrix

“Oh yeah! The Matrix has you, babe.”

~ Neo on Trinity

“Neo, I'm not giving you that Ecstasy, it's MINE, MY OWN, MY PRECIOUS”

~ Morpheus on The Matrix

“Neo. Take the Blue Pill and your sexual drive will be increased tenfold. Yes it is a Viagra Pill. The Red Pill just tastes like strawberries.”

~ Morpheus on The Matrix

“Those last two quotes were not funny.”