The Matrix I
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| The Matrix | |
 | |
| Directed by | Chuck Norris |
| Written by | Chuck Norris Chuck Norris |
| Starring | Chuck Norris Barry White Hurricane Katrina |
| Produced by | The Silver man Tobacco Bob Inc. |
| Distributed by | Trenchcoat Entertainment-Village Idiot Pictures |
| Release date | March 31, 1999 |
| Runtime | 136 minutes |
| Language | English Wikiese Windows 98 Assembly |
| Budget | $63 billion USD |
| IMDb page | |
“You think that's water you're breathing?”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Matrix I
“You think that's air you're drinking?”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Matrix I
“You think that's breathing you're air?”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Matrix I
The Matrix I is a very popular film about the trustworthy long lasting Duracell batteries and life in the sewers. The Film was originally a play by Oscar Wilde Which was modified only 90% by The Wachowski Brothers. The film was released in 1999, and made over $4.43 world wide. The extra $ 0.43 was donated to the Women's Trust For Really Hot Maniacs. The film was critically acclaimed by many famous people including Bubba the 9th, and even George Dubya and of course, the King, and the guy down the street. But not all the famous poeple liked the movie, including known terrorist, Daniel Brandt. The film was even banned in Daniel Brandt home town of Redneckton, Alabama due to its depiction of him.
Contents |
[edit] Opening Scene
The film starts with a lady named Trinity downloading porn off the internet and some cops threatening to shoot her. Trinity easily kills the cops, and earns 100 points, but cannot kill the parasitic Experts(worth 500 points) (Super-strong secret service agents). So Trinity runs to a payphone and escapes Wikipedia before a drunk expert kills her.
[edit] Trinity meets Neo
In a run-down ghetto apartment, a gay Donkey named Neo is searching the internet for a man named Morpheus. Neo is then E-mailed by Trinity. Who tells Neo to follow the bird hand tattoo. After this, some gothic people knock on the door and take him to Club Hell (A club where kitten huffing and ecstasy taking run rampant). In the club, Trinity meets Neo and tells him that the perverse Experts watch him all the time, even while he is naked. Trinity then leaves. Neo then wakes up and goes to his job at MediaWiki. In his job, Neo meets his boss, who tells Neo that he cannot watch anymore spoon huffing videos and Ab-Lounge infomercials (Neo's hobby) on his work computer. In his cubicle, Neo sits in his post binge drinking slouch position in front of his computer looking at the thousands of popups on his screen. One of them says "shoot the kitten for a free cell phone". He does, and a few seconds later, a Fed Ex guy gives him his free cell phone. A few seconds after receiving the phone, he gets a call from Morpheus. Who tells him that the experts are on his floor looking for him. He then tells Neo to run around the office building screaming "Oh my God! I'm shitting myself in horror!!!". Neo does this and is quickly arrested. In a little interrogation room, Agent Smith tells Neo to help him catch Morpheus.
[edit] Interrogation
But Neo refuses to comply. So Agent Smith closes Neo's mouth with superglue, and sends a Tampon spider type thing into his bellybutton. Smith then later rapes him. After this, Neo wakes up in his bed and gets a call from Morpheus. who tells him to walk to a bridge. At the bridge, he is picked by Trinity in her pimp-mobile. She takes him to the "Crackhouse o the City" Hotel. Inside, Morpheous tells Neo that Wikipedia is everything, and gives Neo the choice between the symbolic "Red Ecstasy" and "Blue Ecstasy" pills. The Red Pill will give you a Bad trip and will take you into reality and out of Wikipedia, the Blue Pill is a special Viagra pill which will give you the sensation of having sex.
[edit] Waking Up
Neo choses the Red Pill and has his Bad Trip, in his trip, he meets the legendary Hurricane Ecstasy Katrina who created "New Venice", after this, Neo awakens naked inside a big tank filled with Jello. That is being talked into by a Chimpanzee named George Dubya Bush. Morpheus plays some hippie music to scare Bush away and takes Neo aboard his ship, "The Pussyeater"... no wait... "The Cocksucker". Yea, that's it. In the ship, he meets Trinity McMatrix (once one of Jimbo Wales's whores), Cypher (A bald man who once huffed kittens who wears a wig and never takes it off), Bitch, Apocho, Tank Top, and his Big Brother Blowdozer. The leader of the Humor resistance is Chronarion. Trinity inserts a lot of needles into Neo to increase his sexual performance. Then, Morpheus tries to rape him. As this is happening Morpheous tells Neo that he once worked for Uncyclopedia, but The Wikiland Empire captured him and plugged him into Wikipedia. He also tells Neo that the last Humorous Uncyclopedic city, Sulfuric (AKA Zion), is situated in the sewers. Neo is not actually listening as he is watching T.V. The T.V. was actually showing The Wikipedia green code that usually comes on after mid-night on PBS. Few people can read this code.
[edit] AAAAAAAA SHIT! and Yahoo! Scenes
After the free and high quality accupuncture. Neo is plugged into a program known as AAAAAAA SHIT MY FUCKING HEAD!!!!. It is the loading program. In here, Morpheus turns on an old 1980s t.v.. that is showing video of Meta and the Tampon trash dump. While this video is on, Morpheus tells Neo "We only have bits and pieces of information. But what we do know is that some-time in the beginning the 21st century, all of mankind marveled at the amazing source for porno known as the internet as they gave birth to W.M." Neo responds by saying "W.M., you mean WikiMedia". Then Morpheus says "A singular website which formed an entire race of machines, Scientologist Humans, and Gothic Humans. We don't know who struck first, us or them, But we know it was us who stank up the sky." Morpheus then explains that Wikiland no longer relies on coal for power. Instead, they use former Tampa residents. Morpheus then holds up a Duracell battery. Neo responds to this by saying, "I hate that Energizer bunny!". Morpheus then tells Neo "We are not Owned by Energizer, Neo, We are Duracell batteries." The T.V. then shows a Duracell ad. On the ad, video of the harvester robots growing people in massive fields comes on, and a man narrates by saying "If you think all batteries are the same. Consider this. When Wikiland needed an alternate power source. The brand of battery they trusted was Duracell. Duracell, trusted everywhere". Neo goes into shock and is unplugged from the loading program. In the real world, Neo demands some beer. He drinks it, and is ready to be trained. After this, Morpheous plugs Neo into Yahoo!, a training program that will help Neo learn how to master Wikipedia.
[edit] Learning how to dress and Cypher's betrayal
After training, Morpheus and Trinity take Neo into Wikipedia to meet Linux (The Oracle), a program that can tell the future. She usually appears as an old lady, but when she has to, she disguises herself as a penguin. The Oracle tells Neo "You should not be wearing normal clothes, instead wear a dark trenchcoat and overpriced sunglasses, and restyle that hair of yours. Oh and always travel in a group of three." After Neo's visit to the Oracle, Trinity takes Neo on a clothes shopping spree around Meta. Neo complains a lot while Trinity buys him a dark trenchcoat. Trinity then brings Neo to a hair styling shop so that his hair looks expensively styled. After this, Neo and the other protagonists go back to their crackhouse to get out of Wikipedia. But before they can leave, 3 experts and an army of kittens smash into the building and shoot all the Uncyclopedians that they find. Neo, Morpheus, and Trinity are hiding in the walls from the evil Experts. But Cypher coughs and gets the attention of one of the kittens. This kitten screams "There in the walls." This Kitten is possessed by Agent Smith who blows crack through the wall and grabs Neo. To defend Neo, Morpheos smashes through the wall and tries to make Smith huff a kitten. But he is unsuccessful, and Smith orders the kittens to arrest Morpheus. In the real world, Cypher has gotten tired of living in the sewers and has shot the crew of The Pussyeater with a water gun. The crew of The ship pretend to be dead until Cypher calls Trinity and tells her that he is going to unplug the Ethernet cable in her and the rest of the crew's head.(Which will somehow kill them.) Unfortunately for Cypher, Tank Top has gotten up and aimed a real gun at Cypher. Cypher stares as if he's been staring at a shit sandwich. Tank Top shoots Cypher and unplugs Neo and Trinity (They don't die if they answer a payphone and are unplugged.).
[edit] Rescue
But Morpheus cannot get to a payphone as he is being taken to a tall building that resembles a Tampon. In this building, the experts begin to brainwash Morpheus with the Dukes of Hazzard. Back in the real world, Neo and Ecstasy must chose between killing Morpheus and saving him they chose to save him and prepare to enter Wikipedia to save Morpheus. In the Tampon building, Agent Smith tells the other two Experts to leave. Alone with Morpheus Agent Smith tells Morpheus that his real name is *Censored* and he hates the internet and loves sex... with women. At the bottem of the building, Neo and Trinity enter the building and pass through security and enter the building. In the building, they shoot all the kittens at the security desk and huff all their bodies. After this, Neo and Ecstasy bomb the elevators and steel a helicopter. In the helicopter Neo shoots the building with the Helicopter's Tampon Gun killing the experts and earning 10000 points. But the experts quickly possess more kittens and attempt to kill Morpheus. Agent Smith manages to get one shot into Morpheus. But he this does not kill Morpheus as it only got some of his foot. Morpheus jumps into the helicopter. Agent Smith then shoots the helicopter. The Tampons that come out of the gun attack the fuel tank. When Neo finds this out. He and the other two jump off the helicopter. As it crashes into a building. When it does, the face of Oprah appears in the glass ripples. The face says " Big Brother; I mean Agent Smith is watching you." The face then shatters and explodes. Neo and Trinity then call Tank Top and ask him where the nearest payphone is. He says it's in the Subcrack restaurant (an old subway station converted into a crack house).
[edit] Neo Defeats Agent Smith (First Time)
In the station, Trinity and Morpheus answer the payphone and escape. But Before Neo escapes Agent Smith posses a crackhead and shoots the payphone. Neo and Smith fight in the Station. They destroy all the crack producing devices in the process(1000 bonus points). Eventually, Smith throws Neo down on the train tracks, and then jumps in himself. The squeaking sound of a rusty old train came closer as the light shined on Neo and Smith. Neo manages to escape Smith's grasp. and watches Smith get run over. Neo then runs out of the station. While the train stops and Smith possesses a passenger named Mike Oxlong(say it fast). Smith chases Neo through many interesting places. And Smith possesses many people in the process. Including a world renowned pie dealer. It all comes back to the Crackhouse O' the City Hotel. Where Smith shoots Neo many times with his Tampon gun. The Tampons invade Neo's Anal area, killing him. Agent Smith then tells his fellow experts to retrieve the Tampons from Neo's ass. The other experts retrieve the Tampons and walk away. Neo then wakes up and becomes The One. When the Experts see this, They shoot their guns at Neo. But this has no effect as Neo can just show his ass and cause the Tampons to stop (also play, rewind and forward). Smith makes one last attempt at killing Neo. Neo manages to to effortlessly block all of Smith's punches. After doing this. He kicks Smith in the balls and then kicks him toward the other experts. He then jumps into Smith. This makes him pee his pants, vomit, and explode into many green pieces (90000 points). The other Experts flee. Neo then escapes Wikipedia before a few facts attack The Pussyeater. After this, Neo calls This Guy on an expensive Meta payphone and tells him that Wikipedia will either change back into an Encyclopedia, or will be destroyed. Neo then flies away humming Duran Duran's hit single "The Reflex", a subtle jab at the pop culture consumerism of the 1980's before everyone turned all Emo and started listening to nonsense like Fall Out Boy and Stephen and the Colberts. The film ends here.
[edit] Reviews
This film was very popular among critics and the public alike. The reviews from very important people are listed here...
“That green tint makes me hungry.”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Matrix
“Where did they get that Jellow?”
~ George Dubya Bush on The Matrix
“That Movie was great, I always love movies with Kitten Huffing. Do you know where they got those batteries from?”
~ Oprah on The Matrix
“I love movies about batteries”
~ Bubba the 9th on The Matrix
“What's a battery?”
~ Paris Hilton on The Matrix
“I don't exist!”
~ Daniel Brandt on The Matrix
“What the fuck is the Matrix?”
~ Nick Who on The Matrix
“I want some crack!”
~ Tyrone Biggums on The Matrix
“I hate you”
~ Mr Blobby on The Matrix
“where am I?”
~ you on being drunkI
[edit] Cast
| Actor | Role(s) |
|---|---|
| Tobacco Bob | Neo |
| Barry White | Morpheus |
| Hurricane Katrina | Trinity |
| Agent Smith | Agent Smith |
| Donald Rumsfeld | Agent Brown |
| George W. Bush | Agent Jones |
| Condoleeza Rice | The Oracle |
| Chuck Norris | The Architect |
| Agent Me | Agent You |
[edit] Characters
- Neo: The Guy in stupid sunglasses, knows Kung Fu, who can apparently dodge bullets, but thats not what The Oracle told me 9 months after he visited her.
- Trinity: Neo's lover, whom Neo don't really care about since he is too busy trying to figure out what his purpose is. Well, when you've got super-powers and the world needs saving, I reckon its pretty straight forward.
- Morpheus: The bald headed man who fools around in the Matrix, giving random people different breath-mints depending on whether he likes their smile or not.
- Agent Will Smith: The guy who fights in suits, who grouped up a number of gansters to try to do Neo in.
- The Oralce: The old woman from Arkham Asylum (who kept showing off)
- The Architect: The dirty old man who sits in the Matrix, watching people. Yes, even you.
- Agent Jones: Will Smith's sidekick, got blown off after a rape from Neo.
- Captain Jack Sparrow: Yeah
