The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya

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This article is about the Japanese reality television show. For the religion based on the television show, see Haruhiism.

“If you are not an alien, time traveler, or esper, then don't even bother reading this article.”

~ Haruhi Suzumiya

The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya is a popular reality show. The basic premise is to take five supernatural people or creatures, cram them into a tiny shack behind a public high school, and wait. The last one alive is awarded their freedom. To date, there has been only one season. The series is also the State Anime of California.

Contents 1 First Season Contestants 1.1 Haru-Haru or Haruhi Suzumiya 1.2 Kyon 1.3 Yuki-Rin Nagato 1.4 Mikuru Asahina 1.5 Ic-chan or Itsuki Koizumi 2 People who were not contestants but were there anyway 2.1 Ryoko Asakura 2.2 Kyon's Sister 2.3 Shamisen 2.4 The Computer Nerd 2.5 Taniguchi and Kunikida 2.6 Kiyosumi Morimura and Yuusuke Suzuki 2.7 LOL FANG-TAN/AKA CHURUYA 3 The Idiotic Episode Numbers 4 Second Season Rumors 5 Proof that Haruhi is God 6 TOP SECRET 7 Haruhi 31.4K: Dawn of Dusk 8 Controversy & Life After the Show

[edit] First Season Contestants

[edit] Haru-Haru or Haruhi Suzumiya

A crazy girl who, by total coincidence, shares the same name as the show. She was the winner, but only by default because she is actually revered as God. She killed Yuki in the final challenge to claim the coveted prize: a months' supply of peanut butter. She is the Greek Goddess of Molestation and 'Costume-Raping' and seems to have "Lesbian thing" for Mikuru(Mikuru and Haruhi Fuck all the time). She comes in two forms and is pretty much the Jim Jones of the anime world. She is also the Deputy Alien of the Otaku Party and consequently has a strong hatred for Jews. This is not apparent on the show, since everyone knows there are no real live Jews in Japan. She is also the only contestant that regularly holds a job, which is being Mikuru's pimp.

She also is the queen of Butt Sexing (which includes using two fists at the same time) and has lately been seen with renowned ballerina Superman. She plans one day to make her contestants happy by impregnating each of them with ten kids and 2 chocolate bars. But for now she must stick to Butt Sexing to appease the censors.

[edit] Kyon

A young lad who lied on his application is not supernatural in any way ever. He only survived because every other contestant wanted to get in his pants. Eventually, he was killed by Itsuki during the maze challenge, supposedly because he refused Itsuki's confession of love. Also known as the luckiest and unluckiest guy on Earth. He is gay because he did not grab Mikuru's boobs when he had the chance...although according to the 'kyon' theory, he is actually a Closet Mikuru fanboy, as well as "the" God. Not Haruhi. Jesus, after reading the previous sentence, breathed a sigh of relief. He also keeps pictures of Mikuru in a maid outfit saved on his computer, which he masturbates to every day. Basically, Kyon is a noob who doesn't know what the fuck is going on.

[edit] Yuki-Rin Nagato

An alien/witch/robot/rock goddess/Rei Ayanami Clone sent to watch people, murder them and then laugh at them. Her race is threatened by a deadly superplague, and laughter is the best medicine. She killed Mikuru for no real reason, and killed Itsuki after he killed Kyon. Comes equipped with a hidden gun for personal use. She likes to read because reading is soooo hot. She gets anyone she talks to, to commit suicide. She is also an alien that likes to touch breasts but she never actually shows it. Like most characters on the show, she doesn't do much, yet is worshiped by legions of fanboys.

[edit] Mikuru Asahina

A whiny little girl from the future who never does anything, and is constantly "costume-raped" by Haruhi. This is somewhat frightening considering Suzumiya's status as God. After the show was over, Mikuru went on to star in the first episode of Touched by an Angel.

She failed every challenge, except for the first: a tea brewing contest. If she wasn't killed so sFAILr Mawi the basics of time warping and caused more trouble for the future. She is the only person who can use the "Mikuru beam" which is powerful enough to even defeat the most powerful force in the omniverse. Her true identity is Dr. Sam Beckett.

It has been hypothesized on several occasions that she is in fact Kyon's sister - ergo Kyon is incestuous and is banging his sister(Kyon tells you by this that "No one fucks my sister but me!"), does he ever get enough? Redneck!

[edit] Ic-chan or Itsuki Koizumi

A gay psychic and philosophy major from France. He lost almost every challenge, because he's not very good at anything but talking and his power rarely ever works. He can only use his powers every third day of the month when in England, ironically where people abused him the most, calling him a "dirty Frenchie". However, he did do very well during the debate competition, but was defeated by Yuki when she said "because I said so". Currently wallowing in his own sea of self-pity and alcohol. He is very gay because the last paragraph just said so. He likes to touch men's faces. Also, it has been said that he dated Mr. Moore on several occasions. He is the only main character who has absolutely nothing to do with having and/or touching breasts.

[edit] People who were not contestants but were there anyway

[edit] Ryoko Asakura

The host of the first season, at least until she was killed by Yuki. Asakura was furious with Kyon for lying about being supernatural (And following the trend of the series, she probably also wanted him) and tried to kill him. But Yuki suddenly jumped out and stabbed Asakura with her own swiss cheese knife. She happens to be raped several times in the series. Mostly by Haruhi.

[edit] Kyon's Sister

She appears to be Kyon's sister, however she is not actually related to him in any way. She lives in the same house as kyon, and is frequently seen entering his bedroom while he is in bed. Kyon never has sex with her because he thinks she is his sister. She has the same super powers as Kyon (i.e. none), but is very different from him, as Kyon's sister is her actual name, and Kyon is just his what Haruhi decided to call him. It is quite likely that Kyon is known as Kyon, because people think that is his name because of Kyon's Sister. Like Kyon she somehow manages to get Haruhi to not want to kill her. She appears to be the only one feeding Kyon's cat, which Haruhi ate in Episode 4 (No, not the DVD order, Kyon's order; jeez, what's wrong with you?! Episode 14, Shamisen's order)

[edit] Shamisen

Little is known about Kyon's cat, other than the fact that it can talk, and is the only one that Yuki has opened herself up to. It appears that it is actually an Alien, that has been living on earth for no apparent reason. It thinks of Yuki as a senpai, despite the fact that it is much older than Yuki. Also the only character that Haruhi has shown no interest in having sex with, so she ate it early in the season then used its innards to make catgut strings for a shamisen played in episode 12. Kyon and the others though, would have like to banged its brains out had Haruhi not eaten them first.

[edit] The Computer Nerd

A nerd who can't get a life. He is killed in every challenge but mysteriously comes back every time, prompting fans to believe he is actually supernatural. Some consider him the secret sixth contestant. But by dying he is automatically disqualified even if he came back, especially if he came back as a zombie. After coming back as a zombie he forgot the fact that Haruhi had gotten him to touch Mikuru's soft, lovable breasts. So he ate them both. (Not the breasts you Homosexual turd!)

[edit] Taniguchi and Kunikida

No one cares about them. No one even knows what their names are. Which makes me really wonder why the hell I know their names. Well, they were best friends with Kyon until they turned into Zombies. And were eaten. By Haruhi. And the computer nerd. Who was eaten. By Haruhi. And Taniguchi and Kunikida. And they all lived happily ever after.

[edit] Kiyosumi Morimura and Yuusuke Suzuki

Just two guys that paid Haruhi to have sex with Mikuru

[edit] LOL FANG-TAN/AKA CHURUYA

That's not her real name, but that's not what important. What's important is that she has a fang. Which was mainly used to eat smoked cheese. At least she did, until Haruhi broke it off, killed her with it, and proceeded to eat her, first sexually and then literally. While alive, she also had a tendency to break in laughs off the slightest bit of absurdity, in consequence her orgasms could've been something quite worth watching.

[edit] The Idiotic Episode Numbers

In post-production, some idiot mislabeled the tapes with the episodes, so nobody knows which order they were supposed to be aired in. Hours of analysis by dedicated and girlfriend-less fanboys has yielded the following information about what the true episode order is supposed to be:

• The first episode is obviously the eleventh. If you didn't know that, you're an idiot.
• The second episode is actually the 15,498th episode.
• Episode three is either the fourth one or the 30th.
• Episode four is the second episode.
• Episode five is also the second episode.
• Episode six is actually episode 3.141592.
• Episode twelve is, actually, the twelfth episode. That tape was missing while the mislabeling occured, but has since been recovered.

[edit] Second Season Rumors

• There will never be a second season, because otherwise, the space-time continuum would collapse.
• If there ever is a second season, it will probably feature Yuki's twin sister, Oscar Wilde.
• Itsuki will also make an appearance, because he's annoying like that. Mikuru will probably come back for the same reason.
• Haruhi, however, will not.
• Kyon will return, because he actually is supernatural: he's an elf and can't be killed.
• There will be a second season, but only if you kill yourself. Go right ahead, kill yourself! Do it! Or there will never be a second season. Don't be selfish! Go and kill yourself for Haruhi! Your blood will open the doors to season two!
• There are rumors of a new logo[[1]]

[edit] Proof that Haruhi is God

Recently, a heated debate has surfaced on the vile, smelly, otaku-ridden internet anime forums about whether or not Haruhi is in fact the One and Only True God that deserves our religious fervor and worship. As such, much evidence has been brought up by theologian wannabees in favor of Haruhi being an incarnation of God and not simply a masquerade. The following debate points highlight the main arguments of the victor:

• She is the final boss of Xenogears.

• Anime exists. Therefore, the SOS Brigade exists. Therefore, Haruhi exists.

• Various unnamed, trustworthy sources have cited Haruhi's abilities akin to, if not already a "God".

• God exists.

• Therefore, Haruhi is God.

This logic is infallible and irreversible. Those who dare undermine the teachings of Haruhiism shall be cast into the depths of Haruhi's Eternal Pit of Melancholy and Sadness.

ALWAYS REMEMBER, CITIZEN! TO DIE FOR THE SOS BRIGADE IS TO LIVE FOREVER! AND VICE VERSA!

[edit] TOP SECRET

TOP SECRET- CLASSIFIED INFORMATION. FOR THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY'S EYES ONLY

The following journal entries were all that were found at the scene, allegedly written by Pvt. Lance Uppercut of the California Army National Guard. Illegible writing is not presented here. The following events take place between the hours 20:00 PM and 01:00 AM.

8:45 PM - Thursday, December 21, 2006

• Nothing happening today as usual. Me and John are going over to his house to play with his Wii for the rest of the night after my shift is done.

11:45 PM - Thursday, December 21, 2006

• We've just received reports of a small group of unidentified landing craft sighted off the waters near San Francisco Bay. They appear to be LCVP's of some sort, with strange markings on the hull bearing what appears to be the letters: "SOS". More updates later. They're not responding to our warnings. Sending scouts to investigate. What the hell is going on?

12:05 AM - Friday, December 22, 2006

• The craft have landed and have started unloading unidentified personnel onto the shores of the bay. Scout teams have reported back, sighting men clad in dark uniforms with strange markings on them, still with "SOS" letters. Attempts to establish communications have failed again. We've just lost contact with scouting teams. Reporting strange radio signals.

"Suzumiya...*static*...invasion...Brigade...*static*...not enough...*static*...America."

That's all I got of the message.

12:10 AM - Friday, December 22, 2006

• I think we've finally got an idea of who the hell these people are. They call themselves the "SOS Brigade" or whatever retarded shit abbreviation that stands for. Their leader has come forth on the radio and is called: "Haruhi Suzumiya". I would never have thought the Japanese would invade again. They claim they're going to be setting up an "ASOS Brigade" in the US, wanting to "spread excitement" all over the place, the same SOS bullshit except with the 'A' standing for 'Americans'. They went babbling on about "licensing" and "English translations". They obviously want to convert more good US folks to this religious cult called "Haruhiism". Not on my watch.

12:13 AM - Friday, December 22, 2006

• We're under heavy fire. Don't know how long we can hold out. We've already lost twelve men to these crazy SOS cult fuckers. Our bullets just bounce off their body armor. Or whatever material it is. It couldn't have been made by normal humans. They don't seem to be faltering in their advance. They've already secured their beachhead and I still see more of these bastards' landing craft coming from afar. We need reinforcements quick. They're spewing all this crap about "aliens, time travelers, espers" and whatnot on the radio. I don't know who this "Haruhi" bitch is, but when I get to her, I'll make sure she gets a hard kick in the ovaries.

12:20 AM - Friday, December 22, 2006

• For the love of God, help us. They're right on our doorstep. We have to warn the rest of the country. Try and stop this damned invasion. I don't know why this is happening, but it is. We don't have much time. Oh, God, why isn't any of our equipment working? Can't contact anyone. If anyone finds this, tell them of what happened here. Please. Tell my wife and kids to get the hell out of here. Jesus, help me.

END REPORT

[edit] Haruhi 31.4K: Dawn of Dusk

Having invaded the world, She turns her eyes on the origins of her coming, the overtly bloated minds of the faithful. Seeing a schism through which She could exploit, She pushes through, only to find herself in a world of eternal war. In this war, multiple bubbles of reality swirl around Her, hundreds speaking through the voices of a few. The realities that fill this world display themselves in images, their weapons of choice, countless. Here, a young man with a glowing left eye, leading a rebellion into futility. There, an adolescent girl running, white wings upon her back, a hot fish in her hands. Others filter through the immaterium, jousting for space to grow.

Looking for fertile ground, She races through a corridor of infinite visions, parallel illusions of Her own world, yet vastly different. Soon, She comes across a boundary, beyond which She spies a sector of torn space, a reality big enough to divide the void. Touching the boundary, She senses few openings connecting this sector of non-reality to that. A feeling of mutual rejection is abounding on both sides, weakened in some places, abridged but rarely.

Seeking bridges, She selects the few that glows strongly enough, sending Her essence through these rifts. In between the boundary, the vision of the reality clarifies. It is a world of war and chaos, darkness and despair. Yet for Her, it is a world She finds promising. For it is a world with the seeds of greatness already planted, sown and matured. Now, all She needs is but to reap the golden crop.

Having already tamed a world not unlike this one, She quickly seizes control, removing the pitiful excuse of an emperor She finds there. Bearing the title of ‘Empress’, She now commands an army of legions, stronger than any She has yet to find across the border. Now strengthen with the power of two worlds, She reaches Her grasp through the boundary barrier, Her aim but to seek and dominate all which resides in that industry, to bring them all under one rule; HER RULE!

FOR THE EMPRESS!!

And thus were the seeds of heresy founded. Two worlds once apart are now locked in an eternal struggle. Some think it is an aborted fetus of an abomination beyond the realms of H.P. Lovecraft. Others think it is the best thing to happen since Frank Herbert wrote Dune. Love it, Hate it, one article can be found here[2].

Show where your loyalties lie…

[edit] Controversy & Life After the Show

A little after the series ended, Haruhi Suzumiya got into the music business. After signing to Roadrunner Records and recording a demo album full of nothing but Slipknot & Metallica covers, Haruhi got into a rivalry with Stephanie from the evil show LazyTown. Stephanie and Haruhi had a freestyle rap contest, where Haruhi won by a mile after calling Stephanie 'a skank who couldn't even get Brian Peppers to do her'. After the contest, Stephanie started a barfight. Several cosplayers got involved, beating the living snot out of the few people who rooted for Stephanie. Ever since that awkward, Heineken-fueled fight, the two had dissed each other on numerous mixtapes. In fact, on Haruhi's recent mixtape, she disses Stepahanie in response to the LazyTown hit single "Haruhi (is the biggest mother f**cker alive because she dissed me)" by calling Stephanie a 'saggy slut' numerous times. Despite the two trading stupid insults, Roadrunner Records has hit record sales with Haruhi's mixtape full of disses towards Stephanie and the rest of LazyTown.

Haruhi has also formed a beef with Dora the motherfuckin' Explorer. Dora was angry because her breakup with Luigi was supposed to be the top story on 'The Insider', but was replaced by a story about Haruhi Suzumiya's rising fame and controversy. Dora was obviously pissed off, so she set out to shank Haruhi. On March 11, 2008, Dora & Boots cornered Haruhi outside a 7-Eleven in Las Vegas, threatening to kill her. Of course, that was a bad idea. After escaping Dora by leaping over the fence and knocking Dora unconscious with a trash can, Haruhi blackmailed Dora & Boots by photoshopping some photos of Dora she downloaded of the internet to make it look like they were smuggling in Marijuana, High Fructose Corn Syrup, and dehydrated Cuban communist party officials who wanted to take over part of the southeastern United States and then sending the photos to E!.

On June 4, 2007, Haruhi was arrested outside of an Amish strip club in Bradenton, Florida for being drunk in public after an off-duty undercover deputy spotted her cursing wildly and flipping off random drivers. Did I also mention she also had a Jack Daniels in her right hand? Anyway, she had to do 100 hours of community service. Sober.

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