Internet

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For the game, see Internet (video game). See also World Wide Web for the big old web that goes all around the wide world.

For Porn, see Porn

The Internet (archaic Inter-net) is a complex system made of, but not limited to, a series of tubes, telegraph wires, pony expresses, hobo signs, tortoise shells, smoke signals, and warning beacons of Gondor. Based on a Fork of an early prototype build of Las Vegas, it was originally built by Al Gore to distribute pornography and is owned, operated and monitored by the Illuminati. It is mostly used for access to porn, theme songs, ultra-porn, and cans of spam. It was originally designed to accumulate the knowledge of mankind, and by learning and sharing the newly synthetized knowledge generate singularity. But it turned out to be much more effective in accumulating and amplifying idiocy, creating a being not known before: the troll. Behold! The end is near! Bow down before your alien overlords!

Contents 1 What is it really? 2 History (Biblical) 3 Alternative theories 4 The different depths of the internet 5 Technology 6 Technical Terminology 7 Synonyms 7.1 Serious Business 7.2 Pornography 7.3 Dark dungeons 7.4 Nigerian Widows in Financial Trouble 7.5 Ties to 9/11 and US government involvement 7.6 The Memory Issue 8 How to win a game of "Internet" 9 The Women Conspiracy 10 Cheat codes 10.1 Others 11 Types 12 References 13 See also 14 External links

[edit] What is it really?

Internet or IPN (International Pornographic Network) is actually the inner-net in most bathing-shorts. This is unknown, since Bill Gates in 1987 stole the name from Louis Vuitton, who was going to announce the internet in shorts at the 1987 Spring Fashion Show in New York, but Gates snapped the idea right out of his hands, and announced the internet as a platform to download porn from, just before the fashion show. It is also widely debated that the internet was actually a gift from Chrylazian Rysuandwips, a species found in the Crab Nebula, about 6300 light years from Earth. They gave us their primitive archiving system to save us from the inevitable extinction that would have happened in 1998. After 1998, Al Gore invented the Heisenberg-Coleman Truck Network Superhighway, paving the way for Ted Stevens to make it tubes. Thus, the Internet is webs except where it is tubes, and where it is tubes, it is Superhighway. Philosophers and theologians continue to debate where all tubes are also webs and if webs must also be nets, but the Superhighway of Biblical Prophecy connecting the tubes and the webs ensures that Al Gore is Ted Stevens regardless. Many people also debate the idea of the porn fans having to express more boob.

Contrary to popular belief the Internet was actually born. Many Centuries before it's so called "invention." The Internet was an inter dimensional being. He lived in hiding on our planet for many centuries slowing losing all his abilities. In the War of 1812 the Internet was on an American merchant ship when it was embargoed by the British. So the Internet was inducted into the Royal Navy. After the war the internet decided to settle in Massachusetts. There the Internet fell in love with a woman. The two were married and had many children. As time passed the Internet's wife grew old and died, but the Internet and their children lived on. During the time of the Civil War Abraham Lincoln found out of a super natural being's existence. He wanted to exploit the Internet's powers to destroy the south rather then have it recede back into the U.S. Lincoln failed at capturing the Internet but he successfully captured all 13 of the children. The Internet in an attempt to save them was captured as well. So the Internet was tortured for decades upon decades to reveal it's secrets. The Internet never did. However his secrets lay in the children so they were forced to breed on an island called Midway in the Pacific. In World War II the facility in which the children were being bred was destroyed. All but three escaped. They went into hiding in a place no one would look... Wisconsin. Soon after the Internet finally broke down and offered to share it's infinite amount of knowledge with the world. So the Internet was locked away to have it's brain pumped for it's vast amounts of knowledge. In 2000 during the Presidential elections one of the children came out of hiding and ran with the democratic ticket. He was Al Gore. Al Gore made a claim he invented the Internet so the Internet punished him by stuffing the ballot boxes in Florida in favor of Bush. However what the Internet did not realize was that Bush was the Intranet. The opposite of the Internet. Instead of expanding knowledge the Intranet had dwindling intelligence. As President the Intranet had unlimited access to the Internet's Knowledge. To make sure the other two children in Wisconsin would not interfere he captured them and had their brains washed. They are known today as the bush twins.

[edit] History (Biblical)

A different account for the creation of the Internet can be found in the book of DARPA. DARPA 13:37 reads:

In the beginning, the data was a formless void, and the spirit of Al Gore floated above it. He said, "Let there be images!". He saw the Porn and that it was bad, and separated it from the Safe For Work. He separated the tubes from the Youtube and the Froogle from the Google. Gore then reached into the dirt and made new life: The Admin. He took an HTML Tag from the Admin and made the User. He placed them in the Garden of Uncyclopedia, and set an FBI agent to watch over it. He filled the Garden with many different creatures: javas, jpegs, pngs, shtmls, phps, gifs, bmps and bumps. He looked at His creation, and saw that it was good.

In the centre, he placed the Tree of 4chan. He told the Admin and the User not to click on the links in the fruit from the Tree of 4chan, or face banishment from the Garden of Uncyclopedia. However, the evil pwn was subtle. He tricked the User into following the link, goatse, which she showed to the Admin. The Vice President appeared and spoke thusly to them: "Admin, for your sin, you will spend your days compiling programs and installing software, but no matter how hard you work, bugs will still sin, you will have intense frustration while doing trivial dick. And though your desire will be for the same access rights as the Admin, he shall rule over your data."

As a final punishment, Gore banished the Admin and the User into the unforgiving wasteland of Wikipedia, and set a flaming firewall to guard the garden. From there, the rest of the internet was poop.

"Thusly Al Gore went off into the sun screaming "Xclibur!!!"

[edit] Alternative theories

Scientologists claim that the internet was discovered under a rock deep beneath the ruins of the lost city Titanic, a branch of Atlantis. The alien technology we use to send communications today was discovered only then, when it was discovered in 1593.

Al Gore is widely considered to be the being responsible for the Internet. Al Gore is an anagram for Grla'eo, the name of the alien created of the Internet. He was the one responsible for it's creation, as well as it's eventual condemnation to the depths of the sea. He realized the chaos it would cause.

David Icke has asserted that the internet was developed secretly by Nostradamus and Leonardo da Vinci in 1516, in an experiment funded by the King of Spain. Da Vinci's scetches of the internet indicate that his version was largely constructed of leather, and used a lot more cogs and pulleys that the modern incarnation. However, it proved effective for reading the movements of the planets, discussing the latest hat fashions, and catching rabbits. Following Da Vinci's death, Nostradamus became increasingly disturbed by the internet's growing pornagraphic content and attempted to destroy it by burying it in the subconscious mind, where it remained until the modern era. Critics maintain that this is probably nonsense.

[edit] The different depths of the internet

There is many differnet depths throughout the internet that range from the beaches to the sea trenches.

1.The beach: websites such as yahoo.com,amazon.com,msn.com and wikipedia

2.The tidal pools: this layer contains websites such as uncyclopedia.org,myspace.com and political party websites

3.The sunlight zone: contains softcore porn websites. For example: Uncyclopedia.org,DeadorAlive.com

4.The end of the continental shelf: contains porn websites which become more and more perverted.

5.The twilight zone: porn websites. For example: Porn.com

6.The start of the continental slope: really messed up porn websites. For example: YourFace.com

7.Halfway down the continental slope: really,really messed up porn websites. For example: YourMom.com

8.The midnight zone: gay porn. For example Wowomg.com

9.The abyss: kiddy porn websites. For example: NAMBLA.org

10.The ocean basin: Terrorist websites for example: alqueda.org

11.Halfway through the ocean basin: Terrorist websites/porn website.For example:Alquedaporn.com

12.The beginning of the sea trench: Terrorist websites/really messed up porn websites. For example: NastyAlquedaporn.com

13.Halfway down the sea trench: Terrorist websites/really messed up porn/kiddy porn/everything that will get the FBI at your doorstep websites. For example: 4chan.org

14.The very bottom of the sea trench: Little is known about this depth mostly because anyone who has ever traveled to this depth has had there head A splode.(rumoured to be the place of chuck norris' personal webpage)

[edit] Technology

The technology behind the Internet is widely misunderstood. Some believe that you have to punch little buttons and things.^[1] Others believe it is a big truck.^[2] In reality, you just have to click on this thing.^[1]

The Internet's tubes are housed in a fifteen story building. In the basement of this building are bricks which are being rearranged by foreigners.^[3]

The Internet is actually caused by small creatures that live in the same room of a computer that has the internet. By a complete coincidence these creatures are called 'Internets' and have an uncanny resemblance to Tamogochi.

[edit] Technical Terminology

• 802.11g - 802 people buried 11 ft in the ground
• ADSL - Amazingly Dull Slow Line
• BGP - Blasted Geek's Playground
• BIOS - Birds in Outer Space
• CPE - Carrier Pigeon Equipment
• DMZ - Dead Machine Zone
• DNS - Damn Nose Snails
  

  

  The official map of the internet's communities.
• FTP - First Trucking Plan
• Gopher - A fuzzy animal that digs (seen in the movie Caddyshack)
• HTML - Hot Toast Making Lizard
• HTTP - Here's The Tubes Pipe
• HTTPS - Here's The Tubes Pipe... Shit!
• IANA - Internet Addicted Nerd Association
• ICANN - International Convention of Applicable Nude Nannies
• IP - And so do you.
• IMAP - Ingest More Apples, Posthaste
• ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
• JAVA - Juvenile Abominable Visual Asthetics
• Kerberos - Kinky ERotic BachElor Reservation Online Service
• LAN - LSD Abusing Nerd
• MP3 - 1/3 sized Member of Parliament
• NNTP - Naked Nerds Trying to Pick-up
• OMG - Organisation Mothers Group
• Oracle - A proprietary system used to convert human souls into cash
• POP3 - Pirates on Parade (times three)
• PPP - Prostitutes Probing Pandas
• QOS - Quite overvalued shares
• RPC - Remote Protocol for system Compromise
• SGML- Some gay men lovin'
• SMTP - Slightly Moist Toilet Paper
• SNMP - Someone Needs More Porn
• SSH - Sexy Sexy Horse
• SSL - Secret Sex Lair
• TCP/IP - Toilet Connection Pipeline/International Plumbing
• TELNET - Toilet Elementary Lid-down Network
• URL - Uninvited Rabbit License
• UUCP - User to Urinal Cake Peer
• VPN - Virtual Pornographic Nanny
• WWW - Worldwide Water Works
• XML - X-rated Martian League
• OOAO - Out Of Alphabetical Order

[edit] Synonyms

Ethernet, Interweb, Interdweebs, Intarweb, Interwebs, Intarwebs, Those Intarwebs, Innernet, Interwebtron, Interknet, World Wide Web, World War 3, Webternet, World Inter Wide Webnet, AOL, Computers, A Series of Tubes, and Al Gore's ausfahrt (German, for "exit").

The term "Information Superhighway" used to be used to describe the Internet when it was just a cute baby and had nothing but long, endless pages of text and gray backgrounds to play with in a playpen called "Mosaic." However, because of the infamous Collapse of the Information Superhighway (Also Known As Highway 404) one windy and icy morning in 1996, this term is now viewed as offensive to some. Investigations into the disaster revealed that the people who were supposed to be constructing the highway in 1978 spent most of their time in the foreman's shack looking on the Internet for porn instead of welding the rebar to support the tubes.

==Common concerns about the Internet==

Contrary to popular perception, everything you read on the Internet is carefully vetted and guaranteed to be absolutely 100% true (with the obvious exception of a small number of designated satirical sites such as Wikipedia).

The Internet is widely believed to be a dangerous place, with thousands of virtual streets lined with casinos, porn shops, 419 scams, and drug dealers.^[4] There have been rumors on this Internet and possibly other Internets as well.^[5]

[edit] Serious Business

The internet is serious business. Every time a user posts a message of satire, sarcasm or humor anywhere on the world wide web, whether it be in an e-mail, on web forums, or even a blog, Bach kills a kitten. Internet users are indirectly responsible for 83% of murdered kittens each week. Therefore, the Internet is a place in which nobody is allowed to screw around. Ever. Case in point: In 1982 during the first internet revolution known only as "Carp" was trying sell a exotic pet on the ebay bbs service. In his ad he said that this pet was "one of a kind" which was later proved to be false. He admitted his mistake and nothing happened until 10 years later he was hit by a car and died.

[edit] Pornography

Everybody knows that God gave man the gift of internet so that everyone could watch as much free porn as they wanted. The Internet is especially useful for young teenagers who wish to view free porn which they cannot legally view. See: gay porn and child porn.

• It should be noted that while downloading porn leads to jerking off with Hitler, watching it online is fair game. If all the porn was taken off the Internet there would be just one site remaining, called "www.bringbacktheporn.com."

[edit] Dark dungeons

The Internet is known to have dark dungeons, which hold children.^[6] The presence of these dungeons might be due to parents dropping off their kids in the middle of the Internet and walking away.^[4]

[edit] Nigerian Widows in Financial Trouble

Miriam Abacha, the wife of the late Nigerian head of state, Gen. Sani Abacha, is a prominent and respected Internet figure. After the mysterious death of her husband, she was informed by her lawyer, Bello Gambari, that her husband who at the time was the president of Nigeria, showed him four metal boxes of foreign money to be transferred overseas for foreign investment.

Since he died, the Nigerian government has been after Miriam Abacha, policing and freezing her bank accounts, and even arresting her children. Her family account in Switzerland worth US$22,000,000.00 and 120,000,000 Dutch marks has been confiscated by the government. After the burial rite and customs, her lawyer saw your name and address in the publication of the Nigerian Business Promotion Agency. As a consequence, Miriam Abacha smuggled the money into Ghana, and now is seeking an overseas business partner to try and get the money into western investments. If you wish to help her, all you have to do is reply to her email, and she will cut you in for 10%. Hoi

[edit] Ties to 9/11 and US government involvement

Before 2001, the main subspace relay gateway to Internet was located in the south WTC tower in New York. After Al Qaida hackers launched a massive attack on the main control node from their cavernous hideouts, George W. Bush along with his co-conspirators Elvis Presley and James Dean moved the subspace relay using string tunneling toward an alternate reality, where it would be free from harm. All this 6 days, 6 hours and 6 seconds before the attacks in New York, thus proving that the number of the beast has been evoked and that judgement day is at hand. Judgement Day happened on October 26th that very same year. Since then there has been a major cover-up, with Presley supposedly dying because of an overdose and Dean in a car accident years before these events.

Your are being watched.

Trust no one.

The FBI is on to you.

[edit] The Memory Issue

Most people are not worried about the Internet ending, similar to the end of the world, but leading scientists and NSA researchers are rapidly growing worried about memory. They think that in a few years, the Internet will run out of space, an oncoming sign of the apocalypse. However, if they saw this site, they would stop worrying, and, very profitably to our country, drop dead on the floor. The Internet has already run out of space, thus the apocalypse has happened.(See above segment.)

[edit] How to win a game of "Internet"

1) Don't have access to the Internet.

2) Repeat

3) YOU LOST THE GAME

[edit] The Women Conspiracy

A recent study by experts found that prior to 2000 the Internet consisted of 75 percent FBI agents, 24 percent oily skinned nerds, and 1 percent unknown with a 100% margin of error. When asked about this the FBI denied this allegation saying, "we enjoy making old sweaty men think that we're hot young.... oh wait, I've said too much." They then proceeded to break our reporter's neck. This revelation has led veteran Internet users into panic. A hairy sweaty longtime Internet user responded "Who have I been exchanging sexy emails with?"

When questioned to what the FBI had to gain by impersonating women on chat sites, they responded "First it was just a joke. Bill got some nerd all worked up and then we all started doing it. Bush Senior's been exchanging emails with some lardass since '96, the guy thinks he's a 24 year old secretary."

[edit] Cheat codes

• Type "Google.com", then type "kiddy porn" to send a squad of police to your door.
• Alt+F10 for God Mode. Always. Especially when you are playing an intense online game and just want a picture of your "pwnage."
• By buying your own domain, and posting information that is not true, it will BECOME true, using the "everything on the internet is true except on Wikipedia" clause.
• TYPE IN ALL CAPS TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
• T0 HACK 1N70 A W3BS173, R3PLAC3 L3773R5 W17H 51M1LAR-L00K1N6 NUMB3R5 A5 Y0U 7YP3.
• Compare an opponent in an argument to Hitler and you automatically win said argument.
• After typing a long post, press Alt+F4 to automatically spell-check it.
• Or press F5 for it to be certified by Hitler.
• To send in the bomb squad: post a threatening bulletin on Myspace
• If you type in google.com with 69 o's in Google, you'll get free unlimited porn
• Close your eyes and Press CTRL+W 13 times to destroy Microsoft
• Hold down every key on the keyboard while left-clicking to unlock sandbox mode.
• Hold down every key on the keyboard while right-clicking to highlight yourself.
• To achieve total sanity and knowing what kind of person YOU are, open up www.hai2u.com, www.meatspin.com, www.2girls1cup.com, www.tubgirl.com, www.goatse.ca and www.boohbah.tv/zone.html all at once while at work.
• If you type "Google" into Google.com, you will break the internet.
• Type "<Insert Sites Here>" into the adress bar to open every web page in the internet at once.
• Hit ur monitor with a sledge hammer and receive free internet access
• Use internet proxies at school to get free detention
• Attempt to use BBcode formatting in an HTML based forum to receive a troll encounter.
• Read uncyclopedia articles at school to get sick enough to come home
• Drop all your items and press Alt + F4 to duplicate them
• To Get Free Porn Simply Click Start->Run->Type "cmd"->Press Enter->type "format /x C:"->Press Y, then Enter
• Press ~ and type "kill" to get a rocket launcher
• Hit UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A and click 'start' to reach the last level/final boss
• Deleting "System32" in the WINDOWS folder will unlock the infamous Blue Screen easter egg.

[edit] Others

• Al Gore
• Baron von Brunk
• Daniel Brandt (non-person)
• Jimbo Wales
• Steve Ballmer
• Steve Jobs
• Yahoo Serious

[edit] Types

see Internet dorks

• Flamer
• Trolls
• 12 year olds invading the internet
• Newbies
• Gamers
• Hackers
• Vandals
• You

[edit] References

1. ↑ ^{1.0 1.1} Larry King, Larry King Show. November 14, 2006.
2. ↑ Cite error: Invalid <ref> tag; no text was provided for refs named ted
3. ↑ Paul Twomey, Web chief warns of domain name chaos, smh.com.au
4. ↑ ^{4.0 4.1} New Jersey Times, Parents learn of perils Internet poses for kids
5. ↑ George W. Bush, [www.goatse.cz debate with John Kerry]. 2004.
6. ↑ George W. Bush, campaign speech, Arlington Heights, Illinois, Oct. 24, 2000

[edit] See also

• Uncyclopedia's Official Guide to Choosing a Web Browser
• World wide web
• Unternet
• Intahnet
• Interweb
• Stairway to Heaven
• 20 golden secrets for ebay sellers
• Sneakernet
• Cybersex
• Second Internet
• The Posting Units
• Toilet Door Communication
• Outernet
• Internet toaster
• The Internet police
• Axiom of the omniscience of the Internet
• Internet Crash of 1864
• Postmodemism
• Giantmutantspideration
• Last.fm
• Interned
• Intertubal Ligation
• The internet is for PORN!!!

[edit] External links

• People of the Internet
• The internet is for porn (video)
• Internet
• Turn off the Internet
• THE KING OF THE INTERNET
• Expiring Domain

The cornerstones of the Internets

Internet | Internets | World Wide Web | The Network

Browsers

Internet Explorer | King Bowser Koopa | Opera | Maozilla | Mozilla Firefox

Languages

CSS | LifeScript | Perl | PHP | Java | JavaScript | VBScript | Internet-speak

Formats

Image file formats (GIF JPEG LIM PNG SVG) | HTML | SGML | XHTML | XML

Consortiums

W3C | Zann

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