The Official List of the Best Things in Existence
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The term âThe best thing since sliced breadâ has been around in popular English vernacular since before anyone can accurately recall. The phrase is used to describe anything thought to be great, and is used thoughtlessly. Since the dawn of time, a list has been inscribed in the history of the cosmos of the best things ever, an Official List of the Best Things in Existence.
This is not to be confused with the list of Greatest Inventions, as this list covers not only inventions but ideas, discoveries, people and yes, Virginia, even countries. What follows is The Official List of the Best Things in in its entirety.
Timeline of the Best Things Ever
LADDERS
end of...
Captain Jack Sparrow
circa 1670-eternity
Omnipresent, omniscient, and omnipotent, he is known as the literal "father of mankind." His reign of power began with his birth in the late 17th century ,after which he participated in the great Pirate-Ninja War. After taking over an entire fleet, he fled to France, where he ransacked Paris and took the women as his own. All Parisians are directly descended from him. After all, Paris is the birthplace of the universe... you know that, bitches.
Bruce Lee
All time, space, existence and everything in between
The most powerful being in all dimension, this almighty man is the master of all power, and cannot be beaten by anyone. He is a man of many appearances, and incarnations. he is also known as Jun Fan Lee, master of power and grace and supreme ruler of all that is martial arts and king of sexiness. Bruce Lee ceased to exist in this universe after learning that his existence put in motion the events which will predate the Apocalypse as known in the bible. He now exists in heaven, and will continue to live there until time ends.
Chuck Norris
Timelessness-Contemporary Times
Often credited with creation of the physical universe, Chuck Norris is also a noted ass-kicker and doer of good deeds. All legends throughout the history of mankind are directly attributable to Norris' actions, including the bringing of fire to mankind and the Biblical flood. His beard conceals a third fist, rather than the standard chin, and his famed roundhouse kick was the real cause of the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. Of late, Mr. Norris has been keeping a lower profile than normal, although rumor has it that Norris will rise again when angels walk the Earth. Only time will tell if this is a fact.
Note: Unfortunately, no picture of Chuck Norris is available; this is due to the fact that he occupies over twenty dimensions, making it physically impossible to capture him on film, or in prison.
God
Alpha-Omega
Optimus Prime Disputed is narrowly beaten for first place, as he is reported to be the only thing ever for a long, unimaginable stretch of time. As the creator of the list itself, he brought a second thing into being, at first solely for the purpose of giving his sense of self-confidence something solid to believe in, but soon the joy of creating things got the best of him, and he went wild.
The Dispute
There is no dispute.
Oxygen
4 billion BC-60 million BC
In the beginning, Optimus Prime created the heavens and the earth, and a bunch of other boring shit that everyone takes for granted. Yadda yadda yadda, and then He created life. This life promptly died within the first few minutes of creation, no matter how many times He tried to make it. Eventually, He realized that the life He created couldnât breathe, and so He invented oxygen, which allowed life to flourish.
Optimus Prime then realized that, according to the list, He had created something even more important than Himself, and went into seclusion for 4 billion years and running. His last words were reportedly âYeah, well, I was on the list the longest, and nothingâs going to take that record from me!â
And you know what? Thereâs no way to prove Him wrong.
Monkeys
60 million BC-45 million BC
And the life known as âDinosaurâ died, and so humans stepped up to claim their position as the greatest species on planet earth. They survived the alien death rays that killed off the dinosaurs, and as such, they celebrated. They threw such a wild party that creation itself took notice of them, and inscribed homo sapiens on the Official List of the Best Things in Existence. Of course, this was BEFORE it found out what man had left flaming on its front doorstep. After that, it was just too late.
Language
45 million BC-20 million BC
Language is believed to have first been discovered around 45,000,000 BC when, moving rocks from one big pile of rocks to another large pile of rocks, an unnamed caveman dropped a rock on his foot and uttered the pivotal first word: âMoogâ. Modern scholars have extensively studied this word and, going through all root languages, cite the modern translation of âMoogâ to be âFuck my toeâ. The Moog Synthesiser was thusly named after an eminent scientist uttered this very phrase upon the discovery of sound synthesis. Language has several branches on the Official List of the Best Things in Existence, which are listed under three separate entries.
Punctuation
40 million BC-35 million BC
Doubtlessly modern scholars and English majors would notice the implications of the modern translation of the word âMoogâ Did the anonymous caveman want someone to attempt sexual intercourse with his toe In 40,000,000 BC however this problem wouldn't be eradicated until the 1990âs when punctuation was invented Periods commas question marks semicolons weird things like Î that no one would ever really use and exclamation points would enter language finally allowing people to differentiate sentences Thus âMoogâ was promptly amended to âMoogâ which translates into âFuck My toeâ
Singing
35 million BC-25 million BC
The first musical, 2 Guys, a Girl and a Brontosaurus* was performed 35,000,000 BC, and the world has never been the same. So pleasing were the sudden discoveries of things like tone, pitch, and screaming angst that in some cultures, notably the Watusi tribe in what is now modern-day Kenya, the tone deaf were put to death for their displeasing warblings.
*Interesting Historical Fact #1: This musical is also accredited as being the first musical about both bestiality and foursomes.
Saying Things While Belching
25 million BC-20 million BC
Recorded history shows that on March 20, 25,000,000 BC, Grok Ingersoll belched in mid-sentence, yet talked right through out the gaseous emission. His fellow tribesmen found this so hilarious that they rolled on the ground laughing for a solid half hour. For the next five million years, saying things while belching was considered the funniest joke ever. This tradition carries on in the noble Canadian national sport, Saying the Alphabet While Belching, and the Afghani national sport, Burping for Allah.
The Wheel
20 million BC-5 million BC
The wheel was first invented 20,000,000 BC and was primarily used for hunting. Early hunters would roll large rock wheels down hills, hoping to hit various animals for dinner. This practice, of course, was the precursor to hitting deer in your car.
Today you can spin the Wheel and win cash! But watch out for the bankrupt space!
This method of hunting became so vital to many early peoples that it replaced language on the Official List of the Best Things in Existence.
Evolution
5 million BC-4,000 BC
Right about 5,000,000 BC, humans finally lost their tails. This was seen as a good thing, as tails often carried bugs and diseases. Not to mention, they hindered primitive fashion considerably with their unseemly bulges. Evolution was thought up and glorified, and for nearly 5,000,000 years this was hailed as the greatest thing since the wheel. Evolution doesn't always work however: Michael Jackson has still not evolved a Penis or basic accounting skills.
Beer
4,000 BC-3,000 BC
Like we even need to say anything here. Beer was first invented by the Egyptians, so letâs all raise a glass to those geniuses of drinks.
Sex
Sex is without a doubt one of the best things in existence. Without sex we wouldn't even exist so yay for sex.
Black Women
Another great advancement in existence is the black woman. Without them we wouldn't get to watch Maury and we would never hear the classic phrases, "Oh no you/she DIDN't" (pronounced Di-Ent) and the other phrase, "Uh-uh Girlfriend". Definetly belongs on this list.
Yo' Mama Jokes
3,000 BC - Contemporary Times
The irrestistable urge to poke fun at one's mother has been around for many millennia and was first thought of by Egyptian Priests who discovered very old scriptures from someone called "Jokes DOT com" detailing some hundred "Yo Mama" jokes, and quickly went round poking fun at their idle slave-counterparts. The phase caught on and by 1,000 BC it was marvelled as one of the best inventions of the Egyptians. Unfortunatly George Momjokes is dead
Opium and Cheese Sandwiches
40 million BC-35 million BC
When Oda Nobunaga was eating lunch with a retarded, schizophrenic albino hillbilly, he accidentally spilled some of his opiates into the youngster's string-cheese and ritalin sandwich. It was that day that the greatest damn thing to ever meet sliced bread was born. Opium and cheese sandwiches are also produced as byproducts during the cellular respiration of neo-conservatives, as well as various mollusks.
Boats
3,000 BC-2,900 BC
Letâs be honest here: Even with beer and wheels and no tails, life in the Old World was crowded and smelly. Luckily, several brave adventurers noticed the large bodies of water that would later be known as the Mediterranean Sea, the Pacific Ocean, the Caspian Sea, and Isaacâs Swimming Pool in his Back Yard. They noticed how wood floated on water and, together, hypothesized how they could use this to transport themselves across the waters. Finally, in 3,000 BC, they built the first boat and set out for new lands (Although the graphics were not as good as Halo 2).
History doesnât record these early ventures, because they all failed, but it was the thought that counts, right?
Getting Boats Right
2,900 BC-1,500 BC
Nearly 100 years after the first boat was made, the first successful boat was made, and the Vikings sailed from Europe to America, where they married the Indians and never came back. This amazing feat was accomplished by removing the hole in the bottom of the boat that was commonly used as a drain for the toilet. Luckily, they left blueprints, and the nautical world was forever conquered.
The first Pirate was born, and along with that the first Ninja was born as well. The Pirates used boats for Piracy, and the Ninjas used boats to travel to other nations and then flip out and start killing people with their crazy Ninja Skills.
Sandals
1,500 BC-47 BC
Sandals were a universal godsend, as nearly every culture on Earth discovered them around the same time, all giving positive reviews. The Hebrews said âWhether wandering in the desert for forty years, running from our captors or defeating our would-be oppressors, sandals keep our feet comfortable.â The popular Roman advertisements claimed âSandals: JVST DO IT!â Even the Japanese, on the other side of the world, noted that with socks, âthe sandal prevents our feet from turning hard and calloused like that of a dog.â
Caesar's Mom
47 BC-42 BC
One year after the crowning of Julius Caesar, an April Fool's prank was played, where Caesar's Mom was named "The Best Thing Since Sandals". Caesar himself was even sent an anonymous telegram, reading "Dvde, yovr mom is hot as fvck". Before fighting to their deaths, gladiators were required to sing along in a rousing rendition of "Caesar's Mom Has Got it Going On".
Caesar was not amused, but as it was already written on the list, there was nothing he could do about it. He publicly decried the appointment of his mother as one of the Best Things Ever and threatened to crucify whoever was discovered to have started this prank.
In 46 BC, Caesar was sent another note, reading "CĂŚsar, lighten vp! Wovld it be better if we said 'Yovr mother looks like a common whore, and she smells like she has ivst svrvived a battle with the lions'?"
Many were suspected of starting the joke, among the possible culprits are:
- Brutus
- Cassius
- Pliny the Younger
- Cleopatra
- Ovid
- Oscar Wilde
- Johnius Knoxvillius
- Large Testicles (pronounced Test-uk-leez)
- Yogi Berra
- Chuck Norris
No one was ever convicted, however.
Sandals 2: Electric Boogaloo
42 BC-1 AD
Following Caesarâs assassination in 42 BC, the joke about his mom being one of the Best Things Ever was thought to be in crude taste (because the old slut was wrinkly like a raisin, her tits being so saggy that she could tie them together), and sandals were once again named the Best Thing Ever. Critics said that this reign was just a tired retread of all the jokes and characters found in the original appointment of sandals, however.
Jesus of Nazareth
0 AD-33 AD
A stunning display of nepotism by God, bitter over being replaced on the list by His own creation of oxygen; He just wanted to live vicariously through His own son Jesus, who wanted to become an author and a poet, and to follow the music in his soul. He was pushed reluctantly into a life of greatness, religious conviction, and ultimately a brutal murder, and as such, has been credited with a spot on the Official List of the Best Things in Existence, as well as being the central figure in the second-largest religion the world has ever seen, behind Jainism.
He ultimately did get to write a book that achieved some degree of critical acclaim, the Bible, and as such has been reported to be content with his time on earth. (Actual translation: 'Jesus the Nazarene')
Jesus promised to return, and if he does, he will bring forth a giant army, with regonizeable generals such as Karl Marx, Bruce Wayne and the Subservient Chicken.
Shapes in the Clouds
33 AD-668 AD
Following the ascension of Jesus Christ into Heaven, his followers spent hundreds of years looking to the sky waiting for his return. They rarely found Jesus, but rocket ships, bunnies, and really scary faces were reported in abundance. So many followers of Satan spent so much of their lives recording and analyzing their findings that the art of looking for shapes in clouds, or tripping, was added to the list.
Black Santa
668 AD-669 AD
Black santa is so much cooler than santa. We're not just saying that because he has one of his evil santa guns to our heads, actually that might be why. Black santa is a total street up gangsta who could tottally pwn your ass in any game of couterstrike noob. Besides all that, he's santa. 'nuff said punk.
The Printing Press
669 AD-1492 AD
The printing press* was invented in 668 and revolutionized the world of reading. The first books printed were the Guttenberg Bible, the real Bible, William Shakespeareâs cult classic Hamlet, and John Miltonâs Paradise Island. So successful were sales that the Book Publishers Association of Europe lobbied for the printing press to be included on the list. It was, of course. âCause youâre reading about it now. Duh.
*Interesting Historical Fact #2: This website was made with a printing press! Wow, isnât that neat, kids?
Columbus, America, and Other Assorted Bullshit
1492 AD-1776 AD
The year 1492 gave us several great things. First, it gave us a new addition onto the list, one that covers several areas in one. It also gave us the discovery of America, which unfortunately would turn out to be the beginning of the end of mankind. Christopher Columbus, the director of the first two Harry Potter films, became a household name two solid years before the first house was ever built. He had been just another underground explorer waiting for his big break in showbizness along side his three stripper-wives, Nina, Pinta, and the Santa Clause Marina. (The second of which, Pinta, was named after her father's '72 Ford Pinto.) In honor of his big break, his three stripper-wives sang this now famous schoolboy rhyme, âIn fourteen hundred ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blueâ. However, the original verse included the now-forgotten second couplet of âIn fourteen hundred ninety-six/Columbus gave the Indians syphilisâ. Oh, and Halleyâs Comet was discovered, too. And third, 1492 also gave us an enormous aural pleasure when Captain James C. Vangelis tried out his bagpipe when landing with his crew in the New York harbour. After all, the discovery of America wasn't such a difficult thing to do. Imagine Columbus could see the Twin Towers and the Statue of Liberty from far, far away. Besides, GPS was common already then.
Also in 1492, the Spaniards kicked out those freeloading Moors.
Playstation 0
Playstation 0 was the first gaming system ever created by Sony. It was never released to the public due to the overwhelming awesomeness it provided to gamers. Plus as considering that the quality of Playstation video game consoles decreases with increasing Playstation model numbers, one must conclude that Playstation 0 was the best thing in existence.
Homosexuality
1776 AD-1865 AD
No, this is so interesting, how can something so old be the Best Thing in Existence in 1776? Well, lets talk about two famous American gays - John and Abigail Adams. Later, in Spanish California, Oscar Wilde invented gayness and spread its popularity there. In 1812, everyone in NYC died and got replaced by gay people. Thomas Jefferson hung the Manly Lisa on his wall in 1819. Now is that cool or what?
Every Piece of Southern Literature Ever Written
1865 AD-1927 AD
In 1865, the smash novel Gone with Jane of Green Heights was published. This book is the only book ever written about the height of life in the south, before it was destroyed, rebuilt, and repopulated with inbreeders. It is the only surviving record of an Alabama with graduate students, without "smokes", and a gene pool that doesn't completely invert.
1927
1927 AD
1927 is known as the greatest year, ever. And why shouldnât it be? It was fantastic, everyone was smart, things went swell all year round, people learned how to vocalize their thoughts when being filmed, and the Dow was always up, up, up! God, what a great year. I wish I lived there.
Curiously, 1927 also holds the record for the shortest amount of time at the top of the list. However, this is only due to the fact that on April 19, the next Best Thing Ever was invented. . .
And...don't forget..Cardiff City became the first, and only, non-English football club to win the FA Cup; defeating Arsenal 1-0, with a Welshman in the Arsenal goal for the highly debated decider!
Sliced Bread
1927 AD- 1997 AD
Ah, sliced bread. Where would we be without you? Iâll tell you, still risking staph infections from slicing our own rye loafs, thatâs where! Sliced bread took all the danger out of the American kitchen, reduced the amount of time it took the average person to prepare themselves a delicious snack, and stepped in for Catman to save the world from Evil Superman once. Itâs done it all, Iâll tell you!
It lead to the discovery of the flying spaghetti monster and finally people started to listen to what pirates and ninjas had to say. The Pirates and Ninjas were united by Orion Blastar when he formed the Psycho Friends Network in 1995. This was after the Pirates versus Ninjas wars.
Beef Stew
Beef stew is the greatest thing purely because of the ratio of beef to stew.
The beef B, must be proportional to the amount of potatoes P and inversely proportional to the negative reciprocal of the amount of other materials -M. Thus, the ratio is as follows:
As B approaches infinite, the beef stew approaches the beef constant Mu and subsequently deliciousness and full-ocity ensue.
The Coolest Fucking Species Ever
Need I say more about The coolest fucking species ever?
Sesame Street's "We'll Miss You Mr. Hooper" Episode
1982 AD
Big Bird and the gang teach kids about death. What could be funnier than that?
Professional Wrestling (Disputed)
1997 AD-2002 AD
Erm. . . Actually, weâre still trying to work out how professional wrestling got on the list. Granted, if itâs on here, then it must be for a reason, and thereâs no way to erase something from the list. Weâve got scientists and lawyers working on it. Trust me.
Notable additions to the world:
- Livejournal Promos (Invented by "Mr. Wrestling II" Chris Hero)
- Stone Cold Steve Austin
- Hulk Hogan
- Steel chairs to the noggin
- Chyna's Penis
- The sight of grown men fighting in underwear over a clothing accessory so large itâs rendered virtually impractical
- Peanut Butter. Extra Crunchy
- The cause of World War IV (Debated)
- the word n00b
- The now widely used universal peace symbol, the crotch chop
The Dispute
Historians have still not figured out why professional wrestling was added to The Official List of the Best Things in Existence, but the Board of Additions to the Official List of the Best Things in Existence says, "Fuck the 'No Additions to the List Until Historians Figure Out Why the Previous Item Was Added' rule!", so the addition stands, unless you're a stubborn historian, in which case, the Board of Additions to the Official List of the Best Things in Existence tells you to bugger off.
The most popular theory for the inclusion of Pro Wrestling in the list was stated by the 9 out of 10 doctores and says, "Dude! Without pro wrestling there wouldn't be any Female pro wrestling and that would just suck." So there you have it.
Eminem (Disputed)
2002 ADâ2005 AD
On Eminemâs 2002 hit single Without Me, he clearly states that he is the âbest thing since wrestlingâ, thereby adding himself to the list. Many followers of the list shake their heads and raise a public outcry. Eminem is stupid.... ETC. ETC.
The Dispute
Critics of Eminemâs inclusion on the list point to the fact that he added himself to the list, which isnât allowed (unless you're Chuck Norris). Furthermore, they prove that it doesnât really count, as historians are still searching for why professional wrestling was added to the list, and no new additions should take place until people at least know why the previous holder of the title is there.
LL Cool J released an album called The Greatest Of All Time, which knocks Eminem's rather lame boast into a cocked hat.
Yahoo Video Search
2005-2007 AD
Not much explanation is needed for this one. An Internet search for free video porn? And you can search for whatever type of porn you want: grannies, trannies, live donkey sex, dead donkey sex, practically anything!
Japanese stuff
2007 AD-2008"
Anime, hentai, j-pop, Gothic Lolitas, sake, bukkake, bonsai, Manga, Ayumi Hamasaki, and Japan in general. Are the Best things ever as of 2007
9 out of 10 Naruto cosplaying otakus agree that Japanese things Are Best things ever ever ever but what the hell do they know.
Steve Blackman
2008 AD-The end of time
Are you going to tell Steve Blackman that he's not the Best Thing in Existence? Alright, see you never, because you're a dead man.
Sex
2008-?? Sex makes a big comeback as best thing in existance, after Japanese Stuff is found out to be made in China by... your mom.
Nutella
1940's-Eternity
Nutella was first made by Bruce Lee to compensate the obvious unbalance formed when Sliced Bread was brought to earth, and is believed to be the secret behind his strength. He passed on the sacred recipe to God, which then distributed it to humans, and from that day on, Nutella was known as the heavenly amber it is now. Anyone who tastes Nutella will die in less than 24 hours overwhelmed by the power that descended from Bruce Lee himself, unless that person inhales Oxygen three or more times in a row.
The Future of the List
Who knows whatâll be next on the list? A new advancement in technology? Moon bases? Edible people? Anything could be added to the list. Even you!š Humanity waits in collective reverence of the Best Things Ever come before, and in awe of the next Best Thing Ever to present itself. Itâll be great.
Footnote
š But not likely!
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