The Onion
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“I often read that particular periodical and pontificate profusely on the days proceedings while doing so.”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Onion
A recent edition of The Onion.
The Onion is a newspaper noted for its journalistic integrity, published in both The United States and The South. Renowned for its penetrating (*wink wink*) journalism (Unlike the New York Times), it proclaims a harsh honesty policy: should it be discovered that any of its writers has faked a source, she is promptly shipped to the Camargue region of France to "run with the horses." or not. The onion can also be described as the single greatest source of knowledge since God.
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[edit] History
The Onion started life in the year 4 BC as three untitled sheets of Egyptian papyrus whose hieroglyphics reported the pub lunch preferences of Pharoah Amun-Ray (cream of potato and leek soup). Thanks to the notoriety it earned for this exposé, it continued to grow, and by the fourteen-hundreds it had become a largely knitting-centered magazine.
Around 0 AD, The Onion was leading the news world, beating out both Rome Daily News and The Cabbage. It was the first to reveal that the Emperor Augustus had a kitten huffing problem. Unlike most publications of the time, The Onion refused to give into what it called "The Jesus Hype" and gave only minor consideration to his crucifixion in a story called "Roman Troops Crush Crazy Cultist." It is The Onion's only major blunder to date.
During the American stock market crash of the 1930's, a general rise in cynicism made it clear that a new newspaper was needed to cater to the needs of Mr. and Mrs. Common Man and Woman. While its exact origin is unknown, the name "Onion" was probably selected to suggest trustworthiness. In any case, it has remained up to and since the discovery of the Internet, which was officially expanded in 2002 to include an online version of the newspaper.
The Onion has recently become known for "not having shit on Uncyclopedia". In fact, some Onion employes had previously been revoked by Uncyclopedia for a lack of reporting quality. However the Onion never fails to impress around the holidays when all of the its staff go out to support notable charities such as the "Adopt a Ham Foundation".
[edit] Staff
The paper's editor-in-chief is Michael Moore, whose editorials frequently praise Republican economic policies, particularly those of current American President George W Bush. Other contributors include Kylie Minogue, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears, as a result of the 'whores-turned-publishers' trend of 1998. These three reporters have been at various times accused of liberal bias; to counter this impression, they have made public donations to the Republican National Committee and Mississippi by flashing their pooners.
[edit] Content
The paper has had a long standing reputation as the paper of the people and with this responsibility their reports will be exceptionally bias or plain unfair, because that's just what the people want. On each front page they highlight the week's weather, which is predicted with the help of satellites, a ping-pong ball, and a picture of Stephen Hawking. Their sports section is the most elite in its class as far as one-page sections go and they are not afraid to use the top margin. Unfortunately, the arts review section is painfully legitimate.
