The Phantom of the Opera
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“ A spectre is haunting the Opera, the Phantom of the Opera! ”
~ Karl Marx, famous communist tenor
The Phaaaaaantom of the Opera is theeeeeeere, inside your miiiiind. Wait, that's not the Phantom of the Opera inside your mind, that's Lindsey Lohan. And what's that she's doing? My word, you do have an imagination, don't you? Now where was I? Oh, yes. The Phantom of the Opera.
Unlike other, better, horror story villains, the story of the Phantom of the Opera begins not in Transylvania or the American South-West, but in Paris. Yeah. It's that sort of horror story. No fangs, no claws, no chainsaw, not even an a UFO. Do you know how the Phantom kills people? With a chandelier. Do you know what that means? That's right, the Phantom cannot hurt you in any building with track lighting.
But wait, dear reader; before you shut this page down and return to the Lindsey Lohan fantasy, perhaps we should consider the good points of this classic tale. Firstly, the Phantom is hideously deformed. That's a plus, right? Granted, instead of a hockey mask or some sort of neighbor-skin hood, he wears sissy white porcelain thing but, hey, it's a start.
Second, underground lair, into which he lures young women and then... teaches them to sing... okay, scratch that one.
Third... oh, there is no third. Frankenstein, Dracula and the Wolfman all look down on the Phantom. Even the Invisible Man looks down on the Phantom, and the Invisible Man was once pimp-slapped by the Leprechaun. Even Andrew Lloyd Webber doesn't like the Phantom; he only wrote that musical because Freddy Krueger demanded a percentage of the gross.
Okay, maybe you should go back to the Lohan thing. I'll just keep going, regardless.
Contents |
[edit] Characters
- The Phantom of the Opera -aka Erik. A horribly deformed musician. Surprisingly, less cool than that sounds.
- Christine - A would be opera singer who is instructed in her art by Erik. In real life, the sort of person you'd walk three blocks to avoid.
- Raoul, Viscount de Chagny - As if the villain wasn't effete enough, the hero is a French nobleman, fond of champagne, scented handkerchiefs and absinthe. Needless to say, he doesn't cut loose with a machine gun in the third act.
- The Theater Manager - Essentially a rip-off of the Mayor from Jaws. Refuses to believe in the Phantom, in spite of the mounting evidence; including notes, eye-witness accounts and the fact that the Phantom pees on his desk right in front of him. The Manager is not very bright.
- Madame Carlotta - the prima dona, or annoying woman, of the opera company. Thank god they managed to write an annoying woman into the story...
- The Amazing Zandor - A vaudeville magician, who is paid a hefty salary by the Opera House in spite of the fact that they never show magic acts. The Manager wants to fire him, but Zandor hides under a blanket whenever he comes by, thereby foiling the stupid man.
- Snoopy - An American flying ace who occasionally visits the Opera House.
- Charles de Gaulle - comic relief.
[edit] Plot
Sigh. Alright, lets just get through this thing. Ahem. Erik is a deformed, demented musical genius who lives under the Paris Opera House. He can live safely in the sewers, because this is France, where the people piss perfume and shit brie. The old manager of the theater always kept box five available for him to watch the opera, but the new manager (the stupid one) refuses. This angers the Phantom and his thoughts turn to revenge.
That's right, folks; it's a horror story based on event ticketing. Beats the hell out of zombie formula or lycanthropy, doesn't it?
Meanwhile, the chorus singer Christine is experiencing a dramatic rise within the opera company, tutored by a mysterious mentor. Yes, it is the Phantom. Who saw that coming? Her lover, Raoul is taking a break from being a French viscount (easy work, but it pays well) and visits the opera, hoping to talk her out of her rising stardom and into his garlicy marriage bed.
The Phantom is jealous, as he wants Raoul Christine for himself. He tells her that he will get her the lead role in the upcoming production of Faust, so long as she dumps Raoul. FAUST! DEAL WITH THE DEVIL, GET IT?! Oh, the French and their subtlety! She agrees, and the Phantom plots to get rid of lead singer Madame Carlotta, by sending her a note.
Yeah, it makes me sick too.
Madame Carlotta ignores the note - you have got to be kidding me! A celebrity ignoring a piece of crank mail? What's the world coming to - and goes on to perform the lead in Faust. The Phantom makes good his threat and causes the chandelier to crash into the audience. This somehow makes Madame Carlotta go away, and Christine takes the lead role.
Meanwhile, Raoul has been searching for the Phantom. Good luck, Sherlock. Meanwhile, Christine has pulled the mask off of Erik, and seen that he's ugly, and suddenly the snail-eating absinthe fiend doesn't seem so bad by comparison.
Eventually, things turn sour for the ugly musician and he dies. And there's a gondola in there somewhere, I think. Oh, and Christine marries Raoul, or Zandor or someone, I guess. I kind of zoned out during the last half hour.
[edit] Criticism
It sucks.
[edit] Adaptations
- Silent movie version. Yeah, it's a horror story about music and musicians, and they they figured the only way it could be stupider was to make a silent version.
- Andrew Lloyd Webber version But they were wrong. There was one way to make it stupider, and that was to get Andrew "Only One Memorable Tune per Musical" Lloyd Webber involver. Oh, God, there goes my ulcer.
- Roger Waters version (Pink Floyd) Oh God, you're completely on wrong way! Google about "The Echoes".
[edit] The Phantom of the Opera in Popular Culture
No, seriously, my ulcer's hurting bad. Pass me the milk; that usually helps.
[edit] Conclusion
The milk's not working! Call an ambulance! Tell my wife I love her almost as much as I hate that stupid, greasy, ugly worthless excuse for a horror movie villain, the Phantom of the Opera.
