Benedict XVI
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
- You may be looking for Emperor Palpatine and not even know it!
“best movie ever”
~ Pope Benedict XVI on Brokeback Mountain
“ I'm Wasteeeeeeeddddddddddd”
~ Pope Benedict XXX at a Paris Hilton Party
“ UNLIMITED POWEEEEERRRR!!!”
~ Pope Benedict XXX at a Mace Windo
“ Thy shall rapeth children in their asseths”
~ Pope Benedict on daily basis
“ Lol i remember when i used to play with his light saber, it was tiny and pink”
“ Never underestimate the power of the Dark side”
~ Pope Benedict on Star Wars
“ Some thousands followers more, and we can go on a killing spree to spread Childrenrapeism (Catholicism) ”
~ Pope Benedict XXX at old men young boys XXX: Rarely Legal
“ He has the eyes of a killer.”
~ Paul Merton on Pope Benedict XVI
“ OMG he is white!”
“ You're feeble skills are no match for the power of the Vatican!”
~ Benedict XVI on The Vatican
His Popiness Bent-Dick Ex-Vee-Eye, known as Ratsinger, alias Colonel Ratty to his friends or simply as "B16" and "Big Ben" (or Joe) to his mother, is the brand-spankin'-new pope. He reincarnated, Phoenix-like, from his previous form as Pope John Paul 2.0, in 2005, which he had coincidentally reincarnated from as Pope Benedict XIV. His first act as Pope was the ritual consumption of John Paul 2.0's body, thus absorbing his powers. Quantum nucleus was used to solve for the meaning of life, one of them being "the pope."
This hoopy frood bears mucho resemblanci (Latin) to Darth Sidious of Star Wars fame. It was thought he would choose the name Bruce as his papal "handle", but as the coincidence would have raised too many questions, he has chosen to stick with his original Tellurian name, Benedict XVI. This name has its own share of controversy, however, as it is the same exact name as that guy in that forgettable Arnold Schwarzenegger film.
It also alludes to his former role as Benny within the popular UK TV series Crossroads. It is unlikely he will return, although a Rome holiday special is on the cards. He is also noted for his everyday ambition to shit in the woods however, due to the location of the Vatican, he can usually be found in between lunch and dinner squatting in the middle of the district, tainting the ground below with a mighty chocolate troll.
[edit] Brief Introduction
The Pope is the monarch of the kingdom of Vatican (which is essentially his palace and his backyard) and over the minds of his horde of catholic followers, who are gullible enough to put a old senile pensioner on the throne. (And this old senile pensioner is actually gullible enough to put in a full workday when he should be lounging around the pool in Leisure Retirement Land.) Leads a child Molestation act trying to get priests to molest good little boys, say the lord wants you to do it. Plays star Wars with good little boys at night at his sleepovers. Also is Michael Jackson's hero. Taught many boys the hard work in being good Christians. Also worth mentioning he had a rather short movie carrier and produced such movies as MJ and Popes XXX: Rarely legal, Hussyfans 2: Barely Illegal and his most known picture: Me and Mr MJ at Boy Scouts Campus, the later was also made in a platinum and r@ygold edition. All 3 movies are shown to Catholic children as a introduction to Catholicism. After Benedict launched the invasion of the planet Omicron Persei VIII the Israel/Hamas war started destroying the Death Star and raping Harrison Ford in the process.
[edit] Becoming Pope
In 1939, Ben was in the Nazi German SS. And so, one day, while walking through the Warsaw, suddenly a filthy Polish beggar grabbed his leg begging for some money. Benny naturally pulled out his Walther to do some point-blank target practice, but suddenly heard a voice from the sky: "Don't kill this beggar!” Ignoring the voice, he aimed again, but the voice repeated: "Don't kill this beggar!" Annoyed, he aimed again and this time the voice said: "Don't kill this beggar - he will be a Pope one day". This time Benny did some thinking and finally returned the pistol to the belt grumbling - "OK, but only if I am to be the pope after him.”Had many star wars moments with little boys. He was also known to cure children (in private because of the nature of the holy ritual) using his sacred staff.
There are several procedures one must undergoe in their journey towards becoming pope. These include such obvious christian rules like, no sinning, no pre-marital sex and the sexual abuse of catholic children under the age of ten. By following these strict guide lines one can contain the world famous title as, THE POPE or THE DOPE in abstract latin referring to his dozyness and general ignorance of the world outside Christian churches and young boy's anuses. It is said in ancient Christian stories that the christian church will know when the pope is really the chosen one by God if he is in touch with nature. This is clear in Pope John Paul II as he has a stunning resembelance with a sloth. This is said to be holy and a sign of his greatness. Pope's for generations have been resembling orangutans in their unusual mating habits with younger species of humans. This is present in the current pope and his sexual connection with young children and his obscure breeding habits towards these innocent boys. These traits are expected of the Pope and are necessary for becoming the Pope and stopping as many contraceptives and safe sexual activities as possible.
However, it was clear now that Benedict was going to be the lame-o successor to John Paul the II, and that he was bound to the Bible forever.
[edit] Biography
Joe Natzinger / Ben Xvi (Benny 16 to his friends or Ratzinger Z for the Germans) was found hatched inside the Ark of the Covenant and was adopted by his famously (and supposedly) anti-Nazi father. "Benedict" was rumoured to be the name of his real mother, Betty Sechzehn. "Benedick" as his imaginary friends called him went againsed his father's wishes and joined the Hitler Youth and was assigned to anti-aircraft turret XVI, the number he would later take as his title as Pope.
During the course of his life he made wondrous inventions such as the moon, punctuation, penis enlargers, where he was called "Bendydick XVI", and cold fusion. He also discovered the Boltzmann constant. Famed for his work as a leper in Alaska, he worked his way up until he became a new Pope.
Benedict Xvi was NEVER a communist, and repudiates his time as one. His father was also a prominent anti-Nazi, as you can see documented in the official biography Benedict wrote. That he was later head of the Inquisition is mere coincidence. BELIEVE IT or he'll EXCOMMUNICATE YO' ASS.
When he was elected pope, it was discovered that he had the same body as Pope John Paul II. Apparently, after Emperor Palpatine was killed by Darth Vader, he inhabited the recently deceased John Paul II and was reincarnated as Emperor Benedict XVI, also known as Darth Benedictitus. It is unknown whether or not the young Benedict XVI is the same person as the papal version. He also voted George Bush for President. Now they are preparing a neo-conspiracy against Italy to expand the Vatican frontier from world to heaven.
[edit] Suspected links to the Borg
Benedict has been suspected of links to the Borg Collective ever since he told the College of Cardinals to "Prepare to be Assimilated". His mechanical voice and bionic limbs have also served to fuel suspicion. However, the "Vatican Conservative Council" has denied this, and threatened to let the Papal Bull loose on anyone who "spreads these false rumours". See User:Mister Nosey/Pope for more.
[edit] How Do You Pronounce "Xvi"?
Most speakers of English will say "ex-vie", and this is acceptable for journalism or official use in an English-speaking context. However, linguists point out that the name is not actually from a human language, and recommend pronouncing it without the leading vowel for strict accuracy, and with a fist or other similar-sized object in the mouth for greater faithfulness to the church and nonstandard phonetic requirements. You may even have to do that clicking thing from Africa. These guys are smarter than you, so listen to them, and start stretching those mouths.
If that turns out not being feasible for you, it is better to avoid Xvi completely and use XEmacs instead.
[edit] Official Vatican City ASCII
This is the only official ASCII art available of Benedict XVI. All others are cheap imitations.
………………………_„----//----„___
…………………..„-“” , , , , , , , , , ¯¯”~-„
…………………„” , , , . . . . . . . . . . . . , “-„
……………….„/”, , , . . . . . . . . . . . . . . , ,”~-„_),
………………/ , , , , . __ . . . . . . . . . . . . . , , , ,|….PADME IS DEAD!
……………..| , , , , . / : : ¯””~~------~~~””””~„ , /, “„………….__
…………….| , , , , , / : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : ::| , , |…………|: :\
………….,_,|, , /¯¯: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :| , ,|…………\ : :\......_
…………| -„ ‘\ , | : : : : : : : : : / : / : : / : : : : : : | , ,|………….\.: :\...( _”\
………….\ ,’ \ \ | : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :\ ,/_..............\: : \...) --\
…………..\ ‘;;\ | : : : ~~--„„__ : : : : : : __ : : : :\/¯, /…………..} : : V : : /
……………\ : :| : : : : :~„º „~”~ ; ; ;|~”0 ,”~ : : ;/ „”………….…/ :,-~~~~~\
…………..„-\_/; ; ; : : : : : : : : :;; : :| ¯””¯ ‘ : : : / /.../¯¯””~-„_../ : : ’~~-----„:\
……….„-“;;;;;| ; ; ; : : : : : :„-“ ; ; : : \ : : : : : : ; \\…..\ : : ;/ ; ;¯/ : : : : : : : ‘\
…...„-“;;;;;;;;;;;^ ; ; ; : : ;--“”; ;\ | ; : : | \ : : : : : ; /…….¯””~-„ : : : „----~~~”””- : |
„-~”;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\ ; \ ; : : |_ ; ; ; ‘’~--~’¯ : : : : ; /-„_...............”-„: :"~~~---- : : : |
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\ ; \ ; : :| ;\¯””~~~~””/: : : : /:::::::¯””~-„__.......”~„_ ; ; : : : : ; /\
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\ \ : ; | : “”~~\~””¯: / ; ;/;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;¯¯¯”~-„__’\ ; ; ; ; :„-“ :\
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;”„\ : ;\ : " " " " " : : :/ „”;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\ --~”” : : : : \
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;”-„; ~-,_; ;_,-~ „-“;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\ : : : : : : :/|
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;””~~----~~””;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\~-----~””„--“\
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;\~~~””¯ . . .\
lol nooobs
[edit] Pope Eggs Benedict XVI in other languages and places
- Malaysia: Benedict Solution
- Latin: Benedictus XVI
- Coruscant: Darth Benedictous
- English: Eggs Benedict 16
- Brooklyn: Benedizzle
Octal: Benedict 20
- Hexadecimal: Benedict 10
- Binary: B10edic0 00010000
- L33t: b3|n3d1k7 t3h 3x-V1
- Starfleet: USS Benedict (NCC-0016)
- Soviet Russia: "In Soviet Russia Eggs BENEDICT eat YOU!!!!!!
- USA (all but Mayne): Da Pope
- Spain: Ai Papa, cuidao no ralles la flagoneta!
- Portuguese: E é o Benedito!
- France: Man with no Pants
- Germany: Führer Eiert Benedict (aka Auschwitz Joe A. Ratzinger)
- Japan: Jo-Ben, sometimes "Ben-Jo", sometimes "Very sorry, we run out of sushi". Very rarely, "JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE"
- Sweden: Bene... who ?
- Taiwan: Stoopid Joe
- Turkey (all but Istanbul): Old Jesusfuckin Racist
- Istanbul: Pope-ish
- Nigeria/Nicaragua/Mayne: Lumberjack Walter
- Chile: Ese conchesumadre
- Klingon: Tic'Tac' Pattywack (Pronounced T'pu F'tang)
- Alderaan: Papalpatine
- Tatooine: Ben Kenobi (or Ja-Ben, the Hutt)
- Mayne: The Toaster Man
- Wikipedia: BennyOnWheels
- Albert Square: That Catholic fossil
- Romania: Benedicula
- Polish: Nie chcemy papieża JP2.0 Niemca. (literally "We don´t wanna fuckin´ German for Pope!!!")
- Inquisition: Joe Ratzinger, Pontiff Extraordinaire
- Nickname Paparazzi (because he is an autograph collector).
- Friends : Benji sixteen
- Chavs : Ben 'n' what
- Gangsterz : Blood
- KFC: Ratzinger Burger
- McDonald's: McPope
- Rice Lake Domainship: he be a good guy, methinks eggs
- [Indian name [dances with boys pants halfway on]
- [otehr names [the white one; one with sabertooth crotch critters; rapist of the nation]
Given a reference by Saint Malachy
[edit] Famous Speech
His first speech as pope is as followed:
" The year is 2025, White people HAVE become a MINORITY in America. On our streets hang Aryan men who refused to accept the "New Way," or perhaps they just looked too White. Perhaps they never thought MUD RULE would really come. "
What he means is that the end of his papacy is 2025.
He says that he will unite the world just like John Paul II.
He means that the battle with Satan is still being fought.
" How often do the hunted Whites think back to the "old days," when action and dedicated work, might have Reached, Educated and Organized enough of our folk, to have averted what now seems like a hopeless Hell. All the old excuses for not working for the Movement...My Job...My Money...My Friends...My Fun...My Beer, all gone. All the boasting, but never REALLY sacrificing for what they knew was coming, now it's too late, too late, TOO LATE. Are YOU a TALKER or do YOU make a difference now? "
"Prepare to be assimilated and remember keep your children coming to church!"
"MwuhaHa ha ha ha ha ha ha!!"
"Okay, I gotta go now bitches. "
He means that the christian movement is near.
"YIPPEE-KI-YAY MOTHERFUCKERS" He means 'Bye'
[edit] Benedict: the racing form
According to Malachi the prophet (or possibly profit-maker) the penultimate Pope. To be succeeded by "persons of another title."
[edit] Benedict's intent
His initials before election were JR (as in JR Ewing in the film series Dallas ).
You have been warned!
| Preceded by: | Pope Benedict XVI (2005 - 2035)
| Succeeded by: |
| Pope John Paul 2.1 | Dublin Drunken Popes |
[edit] Do you know...
- ...that the Pope is a complete retard?
- ...that Benedict XVI is a German Shepherd?
- ...Opus dei mates call him Benny 4x4?
- ...that Benedict XVI is Ned Flanders' dad?
- ...the pope done your mom and many millions of women
- ...that he murdered Mace Windu to achieve the rank of Pope?
- ...the pope is an avid fan of Scrubs?
- ...in his early life the pope appeared in a commercial for snuff?
- ...his eyes look like that from watching way too much pr0n?
- ...that he gets into mosh pits at Megadeth concerts?
- ...that he is actually a raging homosexual?
- ...He claims that he is so dedicated that he never gonna give you up, and never gonna let you down.
- ...He makes prank calls to churches.
- ...He was almost killed in a concentration camp? It's true! he almost fell off of the guard tower.
- ...He smokes crack he got from Black's. Yeah the white guy behind there selling it.
- ...His favourite films are Resevoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction
- ... He fancies Gordon Brown's pet Hamster Nibbles.
[edit] See also
[edit] External Links
| Communism |
| Socialism | Marxism | Maoism | Leninism | Stalinism | Arseism | AHHHHHH!!! |
| All communists |
| Mao | Lenin | Engels | Marx | Stalin | Ass Hole | Meson |Bill Gates | You | Xorkx | Fred Jameson | The Most Evilest one of All |
Note: Pages with this template are added to Category:Communism.
you must use the phish
