Benedict XVI
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- You may be looking for Emperor Palpatine and not even know it!
“best movie ever”
~ Pope Benedict XVI on Brokeback Mountain
Bent-Dick Ex-Vee-Eye, known as Colonel Ratty to his friends or simply as "B16" and "Big Ben" (or Joe) to his mother, is the brand-spankin'-new Pope. He reincarnated, Phoenix-like, from his previous form as Pope John Paul 2.0, in 2005, which he had coincidentally reincarnated from as Pope Benedict XIV. His first act as Pope was the ritual consumption of John Paul 2.0's body, thus absorbing his powers. A big factor is that he is a sith lord. (by a nerd)
This hoopy frood bears mucho resemblanci (Latin) to Darth Sidious of Star Wars fame. It was thought he would choose the name Palpatine as his papal "handle", but as the coincidence would have raised too many questions, he has chosen to stick with his original Tellurian name, Benedict Xvi. This name has its own share of controversy, however, as it is the same exact name as that guy in that forgettable Arnold Schwarzenegger film.
It also alludes to his former role as Benny within the popular UK TV series Crossroads. It is unlikely he will return, although a Rome holiday special is on the cards. He is also noted for his everyday ambition to shit in the woods however, due to the location of the Vatican, he can usually be found in between lunch and dinner squatting in the middle of the district, tainting the ground below with a mighty chocolate troll.
[edit] Brief Introduction
The Pope is the monarch of the kingdom of Vatican (which is essentially his palace and his backyard) and over the minds of his horde of catholic followers, who are gullible enough to put a old senile pensioner on the throne. (And this old senile pensioner is actually gullible enough to put in a full workday when he should be lounging around the pool in Leisure Retirement Land.)
[edit] How to Become Pope
It is no secret that Benedict is an expert fighter skilled in brazilian jujitsu. He would have to be in order to dethrone Pope John Paul II. In order to become pope,you have to fight your way up the papal chain off commands in a mortal kombat style event. You have to beat Kano to get to the pope. Then you fight in a special room under the vatican. The residing pope trains 20 hours a day, sleeps for 1 hour, gives appearances for 1 hours, and pwns noobs the other hour. In this fight the challenger must knock down the pope and take the papal ring, and then the pope dissolves into dust. The challenger is thus crowned pope.
[edit] Biography
Joe Natzinger / Ben Xvi (Benny 16 to his friends or Ratzinger Z for the Germans) was found hatched inside the Arch of the covenant and was adopted by his famously (and supposedly) anti-Nazi father. His name was the cube root of his father's lucky number, and "Benedict" was rumoured to be the name of his real mother, Betty Sechzehn.
During the course of his life he made wondrous inventions such as the moon, punctuation, penis enlargers, where he was called "Bendydick XVI", and cold fusion. He also discovered the Boltzmann constant. Famed for his work as a leper in Alaska, he worked his way up until he became a new Pope.
Benedict Xvi was NEVER a communist, and repudiates his time as one. His father was also a prominent anti-Nazi, as you can see documented in the official biography Benedict wrote. That he was later head of the Inquisition is mere coincidence. BELIEVE IT or he'll EXCOMMUNICATE YO' ASS.
When he was elected pope, it was discovered that he had the same body as Pope John Paul II. Apparently, after Emperor Palpatine was killed by Darth Vader, he inhabited the recently deceased John Paul II and was reincarnated as Emperor Benedict XVI, also known as Darth Benedictitus. It is unknown whether or not the young Benedict XVI is the same person as the papal version. He also voted George Bush for President. Now they are preparing a neoconspiracy against Italy to expand the Vatican frontier from world to heaven.
[edit] Suspected links to the Borg
Benedict has been suspected of links to the Borg Collective ever since he told the College of Cardinals to "Prepare to be Assimilated". His mechanical voice and bionic limbs have also served to fuel suspicion. However, the "Vatican Conservative Council" has denied this, and threatened to let the Papal Bull loose on anyone who "spreads these false rumours".
[edit] How Do You Pronounce "Xvi"?
Most speakers of English will say "ex-vie", and this is acceptable for journalism or official use in an English-speaking context. However, linguists point out that the name is not actually from a human language, and recommend pronouncing it without the leading vowel for strict accuracy, and with a fist or other similar-sized object in the mouth for greater faithfulness to the church and nonstandard phonetic requirements. You may evn have to do that clicking thing from Africa. These guys are smarter than you, so listen to them, and start stretching those mouths.
If that turns out not being feasible for you, it is better to avoid Xvi completely and use XEmacs instead.
[edit] Official Vatican City ASCII
This is the only official ASCII art available of Benedict XVI. All others are cheap imitations.
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[edit] Benedict XVI in other languages and places
- Malaysia: Benedict Solution
- Latin: Benedictus XVI
- Coruscant: Darth Benedictous
- English: Eggs Benedict 16
- Brooklyn: Benedizzle
Octal: Benedict 20
- Hexadecimal: Benedict 10
- Binary: B10edic0 00010000
- L33t: b3|n3d1k7 t3h 3x-V1
- Starfleet: USS Benedict (NCC-0016)
- Soviet Russia: "In Soviet Russia Eggs BENEDICT eat YOU!!!!!!
- USA (all but Mayne): Da Pope
- Spain: Ai Papa, cuidao no ralles la flagoneta!
- Portuguese: E é o Benedito!
- France: Man with no Pants
- Germany: Führer Eiert Benedict (aka Auschwitz Joe A. Ratzinger)
- Japan: Jo-Ben, sometimes "Ben-Jo", sometimes "Very sorry, we run out of sushi". Very rarely, "JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE"
- Taiwan: Stoopid Joe
- Turkey (all but Istanbul): Old Jesusfuckin Racist
- Istanbul: Pope-ish
- Nigeria/Nicaragua/Mayne: Lumberjack Walter
- Chile: Ese conchesumadre
- Klingon: Tic'Tac' Pattywack (Pronounced T'pu F'tang)
- Alderaan: Papalpatine
- Tatooine: Ben Kenobi (or Ja-Ben, the Hutt)
- Mayne: The Toaster Man
- Wikipedia: BennyOnWheels
- Albert Square: That Catholic fossil
- Romania: Benedicula
- Polish: Nie chcemy papieża JP2.0 Niemca. (literally "We don´t wanna fuckin´ German for Pope!!!")
- Inquisition: Joe Ratzinger, Pontiff Extraordinaire
- Nickname Paparazzi (because he is an autograph collector.
- Friends : Benji sixteen
- Chavs : Ben 'n' what
- Gangsterz : Blood
- KFC: Ratzinger Burger
- McDonald's: McPope
- Rice Lake Domainship: he be a good guy, methinks eggs
Given a reference by Saint Malachy
[edit] Famous Speech
His first speech as pope is as followed:
" The year is 2025, White people HAVE become a MINORITY in America. On our streets hang Aryan men who refused to accept the "New Way," or perhaps they just looked too White. Perhaps they never thought MUD RULE would really come. "
What he means is that the end of his papacy is 2025.
He says that he will unite the world just like John Paul II.
He means that the battle with Satan is still being fought.
" How often do the hunted Whites think back to the "old days," when action and dedicated work, might have Reached, Educated and Organized enough of our folk, to have averted what now seems like a hopeless Hell. All the old excuses for not working for the Movement...My Job...My Money...My Friends...My Fun...My Beer, all gone. All the boasting, but never REALLY sacrificing for what they knew was coming, now it's too late, too late, TOO LATE. Are YOU a TALKER or do YOU make a difference now? "
"Prepare to be assimilated!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!"
"Okay, I gotta go now."
He means that the christian movement is near.
"YIPPEE-KI-YAY MOTHERFUCKERS" He means 'Bye'
[edit] Benedict: the racing form
According to Malachi the prophet (or possibly profit-maker) the penultimate Pope. To be succeeded by "persons of another title."
[edit] Benedict's intent
His initials before election were JR (as in JR Ewing in the film series Dallas ).
You have been warned!
| Preceded by: | Pope Benedict XVI (2005 - 2035)
| Succeeded by: |
| Pope John Paul 2.1 | Dublin Drunken Popes |
[edit] Do you know...
- ...that Benedict XVI is a German Shepherd?
- ...Opus dei mates call him Benny 4x4?
- ...that Benedict XVI is Ned Flanders' dad?
- ...the pope done your mom and many millions of women
- ...that he murdered Mace Windu to achieve the rank of Pope?
- ...the pope is an avid fan of Scrubs?
- ...in his early life the pope appeared in a commercial for snuff?
- ...his eyes look like that from watching way too much pr0n?
[edit] See also
[edit] External Links
you must use the phish
Categories: Germany | German | Popes | World domination
