The Red Button

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Button is as button does, sir.

~ Forrest Gump on The Red Button

Hahuh! Whoops!

~ Bill Clinton on The Red Button

The Red Button can be found on ordinary television remote controls. However, its notoriety stems from its presence on the infamous Universal Remote Control 3000, the world's first 'real life' channel changer. The main capability of the red button is that it allows the user to gain a wealth of statistics and information on any subject or object at which the remote is pointed.

Note: performing the following actions using a regular remote's red button can have varied consequences, ranging from being laughed at and ridiculed to being smacked round the head by a large fat man.

Contents

[edit] Information

Demonstration of Fridge Interactive
Demonstration of Fridge Interactive

Although the red button is only available in certain areas, when the ability to 'press red' appears (in the form of a small, circular red symbol just above and to the right of your line of sight), the user can access a variety of facts and figures. A selection of these is shown as follows.

[edit] On Individuals

  • Current Employment. This includes an interactive CV which makes searching for potential workers easier for employers and makes spotting off-duty police officers a piece of cake. You can also take the mick out of tax collectors and Microsoft workers. Mind you, it's not as if you need further information to spot one...
  • Bank and credit card details. Has obvious advantages.
  • What they had for breakfast. Useful in that you know which people had kippers for breakfast so you can avoid their foul smelling breath.

[edit] On vehicles

  • Cost, top speed, miles on clock etc. Very helpful in selecting appropriate getaway vehicles after you have just robbed a bank.
  • Current owner(s). Again, it's obviously much easier to steal an old person's vehicle as they won't put up much of a fight. Beware of the stench of cigarette smoke and second-hand tissues stuffed down the sides of the seats.
  • Contents of the glove compartment. Not that useful, you might think. But you are forgetting that de-icer can be a useful weapon in fending off the car's owners should they appear. Also, that squashed Mars Bar and half a can of Cancer could save your life in escpecially long police chases.
  • Security levels.

[edit] Other uses

  • Food. As well as nutrition information, will tell you if it is likely to come to life and kill you. I bet those people from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes wish they had this then, eh?
  • Online purchasing. If you're out for a walk in the middle of nowhere and fancy a packet of crisps, you can order some Wotsits from ASDA's online shop. It'll take two days to arrive and cost you £5, but who cares? You don't need to go to the shop for it!
  • Football Hooliganism. Presents you with a wide range of weapons for your next attack, including large bricks, sticks with nails in and bottles of beer. Also gives you very helpful information on positions of police officers using TomTom technology.

It's worth remembering that the red button can be used whenever the red symbol appears. Try walking down your local high street with the remote outstretched. Sometimes even mundane objects such that old banana peel as can be made much more interesting with a bit of background information...

[edit] See Also

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