The Revelation of St. Bob

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Also know as the Redneck Revelation, the Revelation of St. Bob was revealed to a man named Bob in 1996 in a series of dreams. These dreams were revelations from God and had absolutely nothing to do with the marijuana he had smoked shortly beforehand. Little is known about Bob other than that two years later he was killed in a bizarre accident involving a raccoon and a funnel. “St. Bob! YOU WILL BE AVENGED!”

~ Richard Karn riding away on a horny jackass

[edit] The Revelation

The Revelation of St. Bob is exactly 666 words long. It is usually broken into two parts. The first part is an incoherent rant by Jesus about evolution, Islam and frogs. The second part is an updated Day of Reckoning involving tanks and George W. Bush (as well as a giant evil robot called Roy).

[edit] Part One: Jesus' Rant

Key quotes:

"'I'm sick of all that stupid evolution shit! Haven't they heard of thermodynamics! They make me so mad! I'll smite them good!' said the Lord who is loving and just."

"I don't care if it makes sense, I'm Jesus and what I say goes! Darwin is in Hell - I made sure of it."

"I don't actually know how it happened - Dad did it."

"And another thing, Islam! BASTARDS! I talked to Mohammed and he's an idiot."

"'I wrote the Koran as a joke, I didn't realize it would get published' said the Lord who is the holiest thing since sliced bread that was blessed by the Lord Himself who is holier than sliced bread..."

"Stupid frogs!"

[edit] Part Two: the Day of Reckoning

Key quotes:

"... and then a great evil rose from the belly of the Earth. And this beast was a man. And his name was George Walker Bush."

"...and the beast said 'Um ah um ah um doohickey ah invade um oh I don't know - you pick...'"

"...and the beast took a crayon and said 'I'm makin' a new law...'"

"... and the beast fell on a large red button that said 'do not push unless there is a nuclear war' and all the peoples of the Earth were incinerated..."

"... but the Lord God did save those that were good and righteous, both of them, and they ascended into heaven..."

"... and all the Angels of heaven rose up and did a special dance that was somewhat like the mashed potato but a million times holier..."

[edit] Acceptance and Fallout

The Revelation of St. Bob has been rejected by all the major churches. It has cause a schism in the Presbelutheran Church when a breakaway group founded the Church of St. Bob the Unbelievably Blessed.

In response to the Revelation the Catholic Church issued the following statement:

"The Revelation of St. Bob (who isn't even a real saint) has been declared heresy by his Popeiness Pope Benidict. Reading it is forbidden. If you do read it the the Pope will use his powers on you. You have been warned."