The Russian Revolution

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This is an article on the short-lived prog-rock band Russian Revolution. For the 1917 Russian war of the same name, see Russian Revolution of 1917. Unless you don't want to. Or your arms and fingers are broken and you can't use the keyboard or mouse. Then you're stuck here.

The Russian Revolution (also known as the Ferrarirevolution) was a progressive rock combo that featured V.I. Lenin (Codename: Illy Pop) on lead guitar and vocal, Leonid Trotsky (Codename: Birdman) on lead vocals, and Joseph Stalin (Codename: The Hammer) on percussion. Karl Marx was the group's original bass player, but quickly left when the famed Marx Brothers band, from which he had been previous excluded, offered him their prestigious "lead xylophone" position. He was subsequently replaced by Cuban Guerilla leader Ernesto "Che" Guevara. Some of the band's international releases credit them as "The Russian Revolution featuring Che Guevara on Bass", citing Che's Latin American heritage as a suitable reason to exclude him from the rest of the Revolution. Che has repeatedly said of these critics, "Fuck those racist bastards. Fuck them in the ear."

Originally called "The Moscow Movers", and later "The Yak-Boys" (not to be confused with the Canadian Yak-Boys), the genesis of the Russian Revolution was born on a cold St. Petersburg evening when Trotsky, then a bus-boy at the local Ralph's diner, accidentally tripped over Illy's goatee and let out a surprisingly pitch-perfect "Ahh" as he fell to the ground. Stalin and Marx, at that time playing with "The St. Petersburg Six", deemed Trotsky the world's greatest vocalist, and subsequently teamed with he and Lenin to release their first album, "Kapital Ideas", which flopped on both the Russian and American markets, but was a surprise hit in Afghanistan. Marx subsequently left the group, and ultimately died in washing machine accident in '07.

Che Guevara had already achieved international success with his hit single "We May Be Guerilla's, But At Least We're Not Apes". He met Lenin in ditch during World War I. Che was visiting family; Lenin was serving cream dip. A partnership was immediately born. Che's unique Latin bass perfectly complimented Trotsky's howling vocals, Lenin's screaming guitar, and Stalin's "beat the shit out of everything"-style drumming. Together, they released the album "The Russian Revolution" in 1917.

In spite of a successful release that featured such hit singles as the Lenin/Trotsky composition "Battle Train" and Stalin's death-ballad "I Want to Ass Fuck You Into Oblivion", the Russian Revolution soon changed focus and began to travel from town to town stealing the hearts from babies and sacrificing chocolate rabbits to their Ninja God, whom they referred to as Ninjor but is generally accepted to be called Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Ultimately, Stalin grew weary of this practice, and moved on to his next project, a little-seen Japanese television series called "Five Happy Time Fun Hour Plan".

The remaining members of the Revolution, distraught by their friend's decision to move on, were defeated by the Holy Triumvirate of Adam West, Mr. T, and Chuck Norris in the epic battle at Helms Deep. Jor-El subsequently imprisoned them in the icy depths of the Phantom Zone, which can only be breached by the power of a nuclear explosion.

In spite of the fact that three members currently inhabit an alternat plane of reality, rumors of a reunion tour are constantly circulating. Well-known archangel and voice of God Megatron has all but confirmed that we will see a new release from the band as soon as the prisoners are released from their confinement. Various special-interest groups have campaigned for such an event, including PFTNOTPZ (Peoples for the Nuking of the Phantom Zone) and Peoples for the Impeachment of Jor-El. As of yet, no progress has been made, in large part due to Jor-El's insistence that Krypton will ultimately explode - a wild theory that nonetheless has historical precedents, including Krypton's masterful explosion of 1939, and its three subsequent explosions of 1953, 1968, and 1978 (although some contest the validity of the 1978 explosion, citing that it was more of a whimper than a bang.) For the immediate future, it appears that a reunion is still little more than a delicious dream waiting to be made a real cake.

See also: Russian Revolution (video game)