The Sims
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| Sim | |
|---|---|
 A Sim. | |
| Kingdom | Animalia |
| Phylum | Chordata |
| Class | Mammalia |
| Order | Chumcha |
| Family | Things that crash |
| Genus | Simpletonus |
| Species | '' wrightii'' |
| Binomial Name | Simpletonus wrightii |
| Primary Armament | Vampire fangs (optional) |
| Secondary Armament | Werewolf claws (optional) |
| Power Supply | Gigabytes of RAM |
| HP: | (varies depending on body skill) |
| Mana Points: | |
| Strength: | (varies depending on body skill) |
| Intelligence: | Well, I once met a Sim whose life goal was to "drink from a water fountain", so I'm guessing they're not very bright |
| Weight | |
| Length | |
| Special Attack | Ventrilo-fart |
| Conservation Status | UFO |
Contents |
[edit] Gameplay
- Gameplay is supposed to consist of crashing to the desktop every 5 minutes. The fact that you have 10 gigabytes of custom content, most of it hacked objects, has nothing to do with it. However, a bug in the game prevents the interaction tree for "Function - DeskCrash" to always return as $FALSE. This means that the far more evil interaction, "Function - SUPER SYSTEM CRASH!", is always called instead. The blue screen only happens if your computer is a piece of shit or painted blue.
- The Sims has the distinction of being one of the most popular and impressive games of all time, however it also holds the distinction of being one of the most unstable and frustrating games ever, due to it always crashing. However, now with production of better computers players of the game can WooHoo 2 female sims in an attempt to masturbate without the worries of their computer crashing. Alternatively, the player can watch as the sims (being natural pyromaniacs) use the stove to burn down the house you so painstakingly built them.
- If you do happen to get The Sims up and running for more than five minutes, you will be instantly addicted and will spend all your time creating your enemies and killing them, creating yourself and the hot guy/girl you like from work and making them get busy in the hot tub, or building your dream house then suddenly realising you will never be able to live in it because it's a game, you nitwit! This causes most Sims players to go insane and to join the dreaded cult of scientology. Some examples include Tom Cruise, his captive wife, and that other dude.
[edit] The Sims 2
The Sims 2 is an alternate reality created by Green Day in 1993. It was originally intended to be the location of his peaceful exile from Chuck Norris and Mr. T, but during the last phase of construction, Diesel was apprehended by bounty hunter Ja Rule, and was brought back to the year 1337, where Diesel was to appear in his trial for attempted murder of Kevin Federline through the use of poisonous, but oh so delicious go nuts.
Since then, The Sims 2 has been turned into an amusement park targeted toward the 12-17 year-old AOL crowd. Users make characters like their friends, families and teachers and then sex up their friends and kill the teachers by drowning, fire, electrocution, hunger, or exhaustion. The Sims 2 is filled with addicting qualities like the ability to have Sims lesbians Sims make out in front of them. Surprisingly enough, the lesbian angle has recruited a lot of girl gamers, a connection not many would have suspected.
[edit] Expansion Packs
Sims 2 University Expansion pack introduces the Resurrect-a-phone, that allows the player to resurrect and continue to torture their Sims by means of sleep deprivation, university lectures that last all day and all night, final exams every 3 days, fraternity hazing, gross cafeteria food, and bad haircuts. You can even burn their favorite teddy bear in a bonfire. To cheer each other up, Sims undergoing the torture that is university perform school cheers, which are well received by their school's mascot, the horny cow. Sims can also increase their lifespan by eating the magical cake offered so generously by the Cow Plant, along with a glass of warm milk.
Sims 2 Nightlife Expansion pack enables your sim to "drive" automatic cars that not only allow their driver to fall asleep at the wheel without crashing, but take 6 hours to arrive at any destination, provided that destination is in the same neighborhood. Sims are encouraged to become vampires and bite Mrs Crumplebottom, who not only retaliates by soundly whipping the Sim with her purse, but also crashing the game.
Sims 2 Pets Expansion pack creates sim pets. These pets come in all colors, and delight in destroying furniture, peeing inside the house, yowling, digging holes in the yard, howling, eating garbage, bringing fleas into the house, rolling in filth, disobeying commands, attacking their owners, and spreading lycanthropy. Just like the real thing!
Sims 2 Open For Business pack lets your sims go bankrupt while losing all their friends and becoming social outcasts trying to run their own businesses. Your lonely, and probably shit-ugly, sims will no longer be lonely now that they have the new ability to make droids known as SexBots. They cook, clean and they won't laugh when you tell them youre going to Woohoo them up fun time! Earn bronze, silver, and golden WooHoo badges by creating and using Sexbots!
Sims 2 Seasons Expansion pack introduces activities like gardening, fishing, raking leaves, and being struck by lightning. Sims love being struck by lightning, so they spend as much time outdoors in the hot tub and splashing in rainy puddles during thunderstorms as possible. The new juicer object enables Sims to enjoy tasty treats like pureed freshly-caught boot juice. Fresh-caught boot is also delicious grilled, boiled, baked, and fried. It would be a terrible waste to simply hang this culinary delight on the wall as a trophy.
Sims 2 Bon Voyage Expansion pack allows your sims to go on vacation so that they can spend more money than they have on hotel lodging, be pickpocketed, stung by bees, parasail UNDER a flock of seagulls (with predictable results), contract a case of poison ivy, and return from the vacation with jet lag.
Sims 2 Free Time Expansion pack was originally known as "Get a Life" to remind the player that there really IS more to life than this game. In case the hardcore sims-addicted player has forgotten about activities outside the game, this expansion pack features activities such as sewing, basketball, pottery, restoring old cars, blogging, and new careers.
[edit] Sims 2 Website
The gathering spot for "Simmers" (l337 in their native language). The forum is one of the top Internet sites for n00bs, trolls and MySpace Whores. Sad people from around the world "post" threads about things that no-one gives two shits about:
- Toddler pics - What have your Sims been doing to you lately? By P.I.Staker - The Simmer Below Me! - Sims 2 Discussion Thread: Cookies available! - ZOMFG! Found Bella!!!!!11111 - It's so annoying! - Picture Thread! - Question - Food Fight! - I hate Sims 3!!!! Its coming out to fast!!!Sims look lk clay!!!11!1 - Wots a Legacy????**benes** - it is so kewl!
The currency is known as "benes". Simmers work their asses off trying to earn these for a change in their rank of pixelated hex codes (supposedly known as "l337 Uber Sims"). It takes a long time for some people to earn this rank, yet others (who wishes not to be named) have done it in less than a year. Sad.
The community is ruled by the tyrannical dictatorship of "Simmasters" and "Maxoids" who rule with perma-bans. If anything is posted that hints at life, you get banned. However, "Simmers" are known to worship their dictators like a bunch of little creeps, saying things like, "OMG thank you for disposing of the troll! Peace has been restored to our humble communion!" Then they have a food fight, which is completely pointless since there is no food involved. As Johnny Rotten said, "This is no fun - at all".
The website has been compared to the likes of Birmingham, MySpace and Russia.
[edit] The Sims 3
The Sims 3 will be called "The Sims 3 - Matrix" and will be about how the Sims suddenly becomes aware that they are slaves in an digital artificial world under control by outside forces (which happens to be you). The line between fiction and reality will gradually blur out, resulting in the Sims crashing through the computer screen and killing the gamer. Ironicly, to go along with this advance in game immersion, the game itself will be sold on a cartridge, like the good old days of the NES, that will need warming up on a grill for about an hour before playing. The game will also feature bigger crashes and possibly a crash so big you'll shit yourself (and possibly those around you)!
This MUSTNOTHAVE game includes:
- the ability to kill yourself or others
- your kids will try to kill you like in real life, and it is your job to kill them first without the cops catching you. Over 100 fun ways to kill your kids!
- Addiction to shoe shopping
- Worship of the Big Cheeseburger God who gave birth to grilled cheese sandwiches
- Oral Woohoos
- Anal Woohoos
- Vaginal woohoos (you'd be surprised how they woohoo in sims 2)
- Ear woohoos
- Nose woohoos
- Woohoo on a bus(with passerby reactions and pile-ons)
- Woohoo in an elevator
- Woohoo on a train
- Woohoo in a plane
- Woohoo on a roof(later to be carried off by drunken police officers who don't give a shit, but need a payrise, then try to beat the living daylights out of you whilst smoking a crack pipe)
- Fallopian tube woohoos
- Woohoo Aids
- Woohoo AIDS
- Woohoo Herpes
- Woohoo Crashes
- Woohoo Channel For TV
- Woohoo NPCs
- Woohoo without consent (also known as Woo.... huh?)
- Tentacle Woohoos
- Touch-screen Woohoos
- Offbeat Humour (which was notably absent from the previous two games)
- Racism
- Hour long loading time
- The chance to discover the meaning of life over the course of gameplay
- The release date for Spore
- An advanced gene editor created by the soviet union in 1971.
- Flying pigs who carry off kids with their sharp pig-talons and then rip them apart whilst your sim mothers watch.Nice.
- Shoot-outs with certain sims who get on your nerves
- Prostitutes, Drug Dealers and NPC Junkies
- Previews on the Sims 4, another meaningless way to get more money out of social nobodys.
- The Grim Reaper, who will eventually come through the screen and destroy all of humanity. (Oh the humanity! Wait, what's that? Oh yeah it's gone...Never mind!)
- The Grim Rapper (the Grim Reaper's brother)returns from Sims 2 and Freestyles about Humanity's Doom.
- ==The Sims 4==
- “Wow, it's like you're inside the game yourself!”
~ Captain Obvious on The Sims 4: In Real Life
- “Can this even be called a game? It seems so real that you can hardly even believe that it is a game!”
~ IGN on a future review of the game that will be made in december 2013
- - The Sims 4 will be released in, like, 6 years from now and will be called "The Sims 4: In Real Life". It will take computer game realism to a completely new level. Here, everything will have become so realistic that you'll be able to play in the real world, without even using a computer! There is no need to install it as it is exactly like the real world anyway, and can be played in it. It will be highly detailed and you'll be able to do anything that you've done in The Sims and The Sims 2 and more, such as making and meeting friends, educate yourself, doing various physical exercises, eating food and drinking beer, torture complete strangers by singing karaoke off-key, get yourself a girlfriend/boyfriend, get married, vandalizing Wikipedia, start a family, buy a car, get a loan, get insurance and so on. In fact, it's also possible to turn on your computer - in the game - and actually playing another completely different computer game at the exact same as playing "TS4 - IRL", leading to a multi-layered reality! The soundtrack as well as the manual for the game will be the track "We Want Your Soul" by Adam Freeland, played constantly in an endless loop to tell you what you need to do. Since the game is so extremely realistic, there is no need for using Sim characters in it, as you can be your own main character and play as yourself. It will be feature ultra-realistic, authentic tastes and smells for all the food and drinks you consume inside the game. It should be remembered also that since the game is so extremely realistic and will take place in the real world, it's actually possible to hurt yourself as well as other Sims while playing it, so extreme caution is advised. - - Breaking News: Some nerd has gone and made a time machine, to tell you that as of 2010 sims will have taken over the world. He has advised you to start mass-producing those damn green diamond things now, and start practising your Simlish! - - Some other nerd and a conspiracy theorist decided that the sims 2 was released by scientologists 100000 years ago. It was created to experiment with jews in their natural enviornment. The scientologists have become addicts and are now playing for pleasure. There will be exactly 784590258 expansion packs for the sims four. -
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[edit] llamas
Throughout the series, the running joke of mooses is established. This theme continues in SimShitty 2: This Time, It's Not SimShitty 1.
[edit] External Links
[edit] See Also
Categories: Zoology | Games | Mass Media | Video games
