The Sons of Jesus

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Since time immemorable, God watched over the people. Eventually, He got a piece of ass, and had Divine Sex. The result was Old Testament Jesus. Most people don't know about Old Testament Jesus, but that's because of the Furry Media. They've filled the world with lies and slander, making it appear that Old Testament Jesus never existed, while praising his son, New Testament Jesus.

[edit] Formation of the 5 Sons

Old Testament Jesus roamed the world, kicking ass and taking names. After a few millenia, he wanted to get himself a nice piece of ass, just as his father had. The only problem was that Old Testament Jesus wasn't everywhere, so he couldn't be riding a chic doggy-style while also putting out fires in Somalia. Jesus solved this by willing his heirs into existance. The result was the destruction of Atlantis, and the births of Mr. T, Bruce Lee, Sean Connery, Christopher Walken, and Richard Dean Anderson. After granting them each a fraction of his power, Jesus went off to get laid, leaving the security of the Universe to those who would become known as the 5 Sons of Jesus.

[edit] The Betrayal of Christopher Walken and Sean Connery

After saving the world for millenia, the 5 Sons of Jesus also wished to settle down. While each was able to take a few decades off every millenia, they still wanted to start their own families. Jesus understood their plight, and decided to create another band of heroes to guide mankind through the darkness. He made sure they each knew that such an act would result in them losing some of their power, but the Five agreed that it was for the best. When the time finally came for the Five to give up some of their power to create the new heros, something was amiss. Sean Connery and Christopher Walken weren't ready to give up their power. They wanted to remain famous and powerful forever! They gave up none of their power, while Mr. T, Chuck Norris, and Richard Dean Anderson continued channeling their power to Jesus. Mr. T and Chuck Norris both knew that neither the ability to throw people hella far, nor the absolute perfection of the roundhouse kick could stop those two, so they told Richard Dean Anderson to go after their fallen Brothers. Richard Dean Anderson stopped channeling his energies to Jesus, and went off in pursuit of the duo. Though he fashioned an atom bomb from a gerbal, a rubber band and a walnut, Sean Connery's wit and beardage, combined with Christopher Walken's universal appeal and charm, were able to reduce it to little more than a sharpie marker. The two escaped.

[edit] The New Heroes

Jesus was able to create more eroes, but their power was not as great as the originals had been. They came to be known as Vin Diesel, Samuel L. Jackson, Morgan Freeman, Uma Thurmon, and Jackie Chan. The fact that one was a woman was suprising, but when she proceeded to turn random people into batteries for mocking her, they all knew that she'd fit right in.

The new heroes would continually attempt to stop Sean Connery and Christopher Walken's mad bids for power, often aided by Mr. T, Chuck Norris and Richard Dean Anderson. Their chronicles would become the inspiration for almost all stories, including Dumb and Dumber, but not Dumb and Dumberer. As of late, the scales were recently tipped in favor of the Fallen Duo, after Christopher Walken struck a deal with Mother Nature to kill Vin Diesel in exchange for the location that Mr. T had thrown Father Time.