The Stig
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“...”
- ~ The Stig on His Identity
The Stig is Top Gear's resident racing driver. No one knows or cares who he is, not even himself. This has helped him avoid paying taxes for his entire natural life, as well as his unnatural one. He has many odd talents and disabilities, a selection of which are read out by Jeremy Clarkson each week, to rapturous silence from the audience, which is clearly awe-struck.
Contents |
[edit] Why does he always wear that bloody stupid helmet all the time?
Since The Stig has the ability to fire Alan Sugar should he so desire, he was forced to go into hiding and wear a helmet at all times to protect his identity. Fortunately, he is a talented racing driver, so was able to assume this disguise without arousing suspicion. Also some say that the Stig's first name is, "The", which meant he didn't even have to change his name via deed poll in order to assume his new identity, which was fortunate for him as Sugar has spies everywhere.
Since constantly wearing a helmet has an obvious impact on his hearing, it is fortunate that he has ears not exactly where you'd expect them to be. Normally, it wouldn't be so important, but they have been crucial in helping him evade capture by Alan Sugar. This ability is even more crucial, since if you tune a radio in the UK to 88.4MHz, you can actually hear his thoughts, a tactic Sugar discovered early on.
Some have also speculated that he may be the Mandalore, inheriting his armor from the ex-Mandalore Boba Fett after defeating him in a swoop race.
[edit] Habitat
The word "Stig" is thought to be short for "Stig of the Dump", which could be a reference to his natural habitat: a rubbish dump. There are a great many of these in the UK, most of which have names; for example Liverpool and Glasgow. The sheer number of these dumps in the UK (or "cities" as inhabitants like to affectionately term them) has contributed to thwarting Alan Sugar's multiple attempts to track down The Stig.
Richard Hammond did on one occasion offer to let The Stig stay at his home, but Hammond kept him awake all night by running in his wheel and biting his helmet and suit; a well known trait of Hamster's species.
[edit] Talents
Other talents have proved useful in his capacity as Top Gear's racing driver. Most notable is his sweat, which can be used to clean precious metals. This has allowed the budget of maintaining high performance cars to be slashed quite considerably. A lesser known talent is that his face always points to magnetic north. Due to the Stig's unnervingly accurate sense of direction, people often challenge him to "get lost".
Obviously, he was born with a very small brain that has the capibility of 0.1MHz and with a 112MB RAM converted to computer format (not fitted with a sound card). The small brain only allows him to drive, skillfully. Well, the only thing he could do is drive so he is extremely stupid allowing him to be so courageous around the corners driving at 200 km/h on the ice, then Jeremy Clarkson said "That is not bravery, that is just stupidity that I have."
Also noteworthy are his fingernails, which have 330bhp; it is not clear, however, if this figure is the total bhp of all his fingernails, or whether each one has 330bhp. Either way, however, it is still a massive power-to-weight ratio and helps him to victory at every Top Gear office party fingernail race super challenge, which occurs annually. The previous holder of this title disappeared in mysterious circumstances.
[edit] Some say that...
- He's married to the muffin man...who lives on dury lane
- His helmet is purple inside. :0
- He is the love child of Jeremy Clarkson and Albus Dumbledore.
- He is allergic to the dutch.
- He never blinks.
- He roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves.
- He is wanted by the CIA.
- He only knows two facts about ducks. And both of them are wrong.
- He sleeps upside down like a bat.
- He appears on high value stamps in Sweden.
- He can catch fish with his tongue.
- He is neither male or female but is a unique mixture.
- His breath smells of magnesium.
- He is scared of bells.
- He naturally faces magnetic north.
- If he went on Celebrity Love Island, they'd all be pregnant, including the cameramen.
- He has hydraulic legs.
- He doesn't actually know that he's wearing white clothing.
- He pubes are 10 FT long
- He was brought up in Africa by a herd of Cheetas.
- He deliberately sabotaged Richard Hammond's dragster-stunt
- He lives in a tree.
- He names all his potted plants Steve.
- His sweat can be used to clean precious metals.
- He hunts down dogs and gives them to james may as a present
- His heart ticks like a watch.
- He once threw a microwave oven at a tramp.
- He is confused by stairs.
- His voice can only be heard by cats.
- He has two sets of knees.
- He was Woody Allen in a previous life
- He has a digital face.
- He has no understanding of clouds.
- He can smell corners.
- That long before anyone else, he realised that Jade Goody was a racist, pig-faced waste of blood & organs.
- If he was divorcing Paul McCartney he wouldnt be a whining, moaning cow!
- He pees 98RON petrol, and is considered more valuable than platinum.
- He is scared of all trees.
- His chest tastes like piccalilli
- He has named every blade of grass around the top gear test track.
- His flatulance is what's used to power the engine on a speedboat
- He is ten times higher of a being than god.
- He has won an olympic gold medal for eating the most soggy cheerios in a bowl.
- He made love...to a Volvo 240.
- He counted to infinity... and back again.
- His Brother is a dalek
- He knows the meaning of life and it's not 42.
[edit] Trivia
- The Stig was involved in a bubble wrap related incedent and the doctors couldn't save all his fingers.
- The Stig only has pointer on one hand and thumb-pinky on the other.
- The Stigs only weakness is when his thumb-pinky hand is hit with an apple pie at the same time as he sneezes on a trampoline.
- The Stig wears a helmet because of a 3rd foot growing out of his left eye.
- The Stig is thought to have a hershey bar lodged between his toes.
- His first name is really... "the".
- The Stig can lick both his elbows with both his tongues.
- The Stig can survive on 0.5 bpm.
- The Stig can smell corners.
- The Stig featured in the film 'Pulp Fiction' as the 'Wolfman', quoting Stig's only known words "I'm fifteen minutes away, I'll be there in zoom".
- The 'Halo' game series, is thought to be based loosely on the Stig's early life.
- Some theories suggest the stig is infact Matthew Bellamy
- The Stig laughs in the face of death.
- The Stig appears on the first episode of the 3rd series of the new Doctor Who as the bodyguard of a bloodsucking alien.
- The Kraken! is scared of The Stig
- All your base are belong to The Stig
- The Stig is the only known drug Keith Richards doesn't have in his system right now.
- The Stig was caught with three types of speed in his urine.
- The Stig can drive as fast as Chuck Norris can walk. Trust me, that is impressive.
- The Stig only eats ultra-premium petrol
- The Stig can have sex with 29 women in 4.5 seconds, and they all orgasm.
- The "Big Stig" from the American episode of Top Gear was the same Stig used in Britain. Upon discovering that food outside the UK had flavour, he went on a feeding frenzy resulting in his gaining so much weight that he was able to fit in Clarkson's sweaters. However, no one is sure how he gets food past his helmet. (Osmosis, probably)
- The Stig has a Fat American Cousin named Tony Stewart
- The Stig, due to a non-faked television vote, is now called Cuddles
- The Stig has a bladder
- The Stig and his cousins were the original Power Rangers
- The Stig has an African cousin
- The Stig tried to get the lead part on Halo, losing to Jesus because the Stig is white and had a relationship with Master Chief
- The Stig's urine is Powerthirst i.e. crystal meth
- The stig has 400 babies, all good at sports and all run as fast as Kenyans
- The Stig and Chuck Norris once had an intergalatic fight ending in The Big Bang
- His mum really is a guy and so is his dad
