Texas Chainsaw Massacre
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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is an independent slasher/horror film, made in 1973 for tuppence. There was a remake in 2005, but it's probably shit. Like all half-arsed remakes (particularly the mockery the Americans made of The Wicker Man, the bastards!). It was ok, but the last time I saw it I was damn lit as a light.
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[edit] Plot
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Titus Andronicus bakes Tamora's sons in a pie and feeds them to her, Leonard has already found and killed his wife's killer, "To Serve Man" is a cookbook, the Ghostbusters have to cross the streams to destroy Gozer, Midna is the Twilight Princess, Don Corleone survives the shootout, Deckard is a Replicant, too, Naminé was erasing Sora's memory, Bucky Bucks was actually the Jew Producer and there was no prize, our World is behind the Gate, Brandy Alexander is Shannon's brother, Henry testifies against his best friend and goes into the Witness Protection Program, Sam Westing is still alive, disguised as Sandy McSouthers, Lowrie fulfills the wish list, but dies, Earl fakes his death again to get out of the relationship, which backfires, and then drives her to fake her own death as revenge, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
A bunch of college students, who'll doubtlessly be killed later, as college students are wont to do, are driving aimlessly down some road in the middle of Texas. They stop for a hitchhiker, who is revolted when they begin cutting themselves and jumps out of the car.
They stop at a house that appears to be empty, and one of them goes in to investigate to prove he's cool and macho so he can get laid. But then, Leatherface comes along and drags him inside. The other students scream for a bit, then they go in too. Leatherface deposits them in chairs and ties them up. They hear a chainsaw revving and manage to cut the ropes on a nail to escape. As they run out, they see a room filled with carcasses and speculate that it's human meat.
They get back in the car and try to drive away, but they see the hitchhiker from earlier, who shoots out their tires and drags them back to the house. Leatherface ties them up again, but they manage to escape again (he just doesn't learn, does he?) and run out into the road. The hitchhiker follows them, but gets run over by a monstrously exaggerated American truck. They flee.
The Twist: Then Leatherface comes out of the house holding a tray of biscuits, and he's sad because they didn't want to taste the biscuits. He screams, and the film cuts to George W. Bush (G-dub to Leatherface) eating biscuits at the white house with Leatherface.
So Remember; You can't spell Slaughter without Laughter!
[edit] Connection to actual events
The film is, as all horror films are, a slightly modified account of the Skull and Bones' annual picnic. In the real version, Leatherface was George Dubya Bush, the hitchhiker was John Kerry, and the students were a bunch of real, incredibly scared students. The film's name stems from the fact that the real event actually was a massacre.
[edit] Trivia
- The film was originally titled Texas Cheese but was changed at the last minute due to copyright issues. Other titles considered were The Texas Cheese Company Are Bitches and Fuck Your Crappy Cheese.
- All injuries in the film were real. The special effects budget didn't stretch to fake blood, and it was more scarier like this anyway.
- Leatherface was only wearing his mask of human skin as part of a Halloween costume, he was using the chainsaw to cut firewood, and the meat was sirloin steak stuffed into fake medical dummies.
- The only reason Leatherface attacked and brutally killed so many people is because he had a severe case of hemorrhoids. He just wanted some cream, could nobody give him the cream? Why did nobody give him the cream?! Also, coffee is good; snowballs taste like farts.
