The Tin White Duke

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The Tin White Duke before one of his sellout concerts at the Emmerdale Farm Cowshed

“Pity he couldn't play guitar”

~ Jesus on Tin White Duke

“When the fuck did I dress up in Tin?!!!”

~ David Bowie on Tin White Duke

“Sexy bastard...”

~ The Tin Man on Tin White Duke

“I lost count of how many times I oiled Bowies joints”

~ Oscar Wilde on Tin White Tour

“I Did Not Have Sexual relations with that thing”

~ Bill Clinton on A Tin Cylinder

“I Did not have sexual relations with that thing”

~ Mick Jagger on David Bowie

The Tin White Duke originated sometime in the late 30's in Natsee germany, when bowie became interested in the art of Robotry. Being the bewildered lunatic that he was, Bowie transformed himself, with the help of Versaci designers, into a robot like cocaine dispenser to help aid the Natsee's to victory in the struggle against the mighty Luxembourgish. The Tin White Duke shared the vision that the world needded to be cleansed, but did not share with anyone, that he wanted the Natsees to rid the world of whoever they wanted gone, and then he himself would take on the Natsees with his entourage, Tin Machine. Bowie soon forgot this idea and decided to write songs about living in a Tin Can that Bowie had moved into the previous summer. The Tin White Duke was a dark and shady character, who found thrills in having sex with mothers of all ages. He was also instrumental in the introduction of cocaine to the hosuewife in the 40's, which saw mothers leaving their jobs to pursue a life of drug dealing and beating their children. Bowie says that the concept album Get-Tin It On With Your Mother is loosely based on an affair Bowie had with the every single childs mother in London which lead to a boycott of the album in all toy stores in the London area. Demonstrations were also held by children aging 4 to 25 protesting at women's inability to say no to the Duke. It was also in this time that Bowie failed to remember one of the most important rules of drug dispensing, of never getting high on your own supplies. Bowie was frequently off his face during many interviews for the promotion of his highly successful and experimentally trippy The Return of the Tin White Duke (Even though in fairness no one had heard of me in the first place).

1 The Tin White Tour
2 The Demise of the Tin White Duke
3 The Return of the Tin White Duke
4 Tin White Duke Merchandise

[edit] The Tin White Tour

The tour was badgered with problems from the beginning. Bowie, who only wanted to be referred to as the tin white duke, wanted his entire band of the Tin Machine to be dressed from head to foot in tin or other shiny metals. Problems arose when the guitarist could not play the guitar in his metal suit (although it was later found out that he could never play guitar in the first place) and The Dukes request of playing only in venues made of tin reduced the tour to only 7 dates (mostly in sheds and other metal garages). The security at the shows of the Duke were carried out by Terminator, Robocop and Daft Punk. The Duke formed his own music festival, Glass-Tin-Berry where only artists with 'tin' in their name could play, such artists as The Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz, Tin Tin, the cartoon and Tiny Tin (who was rumoured to be another persona of Bowies). The festival was a failure when rain caused every single member of every band to rust. Everyone was ruched to the nearest petrol station to be oiled. 46 people died in the Glass-Tin-Berry Disaster.

[edit] The Demise of the Tin White Duke

The persona of the Tin White Duke was dropped soon after Bowie wanted to settle down and marry again (for the 8th time). Bowie had originally intended marrying the Iron Woman but on the discovery that she had found love with Robocop he disbanded The Dukes band, Tin Machine. The Duke fell heavily once again into the arms of cocaine, and wrote many of his greatest songs for Tin Machines Tin White Lines and their farewell album No Tin Left To Say But Goodbye. The Duke, in a shocking interview revealed his addiction to cocaine to a frightened Sally Jesse Raphael:

Sally: "So david, How are you and are you happy the tour is over?"
David: "Its not the side effects of the cocaine, but im fucking off my tits love."
Sallly: "... the side effects of?..."
David: "the cocaine.... my cocaine. goodnight."

After seeing the interview a week later, Bowie decided that he was as cool as fuck and stated that he will never do another thing as long as he lives unless he is absolutely Bowie'd on Coke or the best possible subsitute. However, this state of mind was short lived, as he encountered a bad come down and decided to kill the Tin White Duke in the video for Here Lies The Duke (beside your mother) in which the Duke was savagely killed by children of the many mothers The Duke had slept with whilst on cocaine.

The Tin White Duke making a rare appearance in Terminator 3. It was widely reported that Schwarzenegger tried to have sex with him many times during filming. Neither men have denied or confirmed these reports.

[edit] The Return of the Tin White Duke

In april 2003, the Duke made a rare appearance in Terminator 3, both acting and performing the main theme Muscley Metal Men for which he won 9 grammys: best use of muscley in a song, best use of a shit film through song, best dressed, worst dressed, most confusing comeback, best international recording with aluminium, best metal song without being metal, best production, best something else. Bowie has said that his appearance was a one off thing, and that there would be no Tin Machine revival anytime soon because his dealer in the 40's is serving 70 years for dealing to unborn children.