The Tiny War

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“This here war is doggone tiny!”

~ John Wayne on The Tiny War

“WAR?!WHERE?!HOW CAN I JOIN IN THE VIOLENT ACT...I mean relief aids”

~ George Bush on anything that resembles a small, yet to be expanded, war

The Tiny war is the smallest war in military history. It was fought on September 4th, 1955, sometime after brunch but before teatime, between the tiny nations of Luxembourg and Bahrain over Inaccessible Island and the pig and shack thereof. Due to the logistical and tactical challenges posed by the island's small size and inaccessibility, it took several years for each side to plan the war (which was declared in 1950), while the actual fighting lasted just over an hour.

[edit] Causes of the War

Most political analysts believe that the root cause of the war was the the pig. While Luxembourg has maintained that they were the pig's original owner, Bahrain claims that all pigs were originally given to them by God. After World War II, America decided that because of the atrocities committed to Bahraini citizens during the war, they should be given the pig as compensation for their suffering. The Luxembourgians would not give up their pork willingly, and so the United States was forced to occupy Inaccessable Island from 1947 to 1950. The beginning of overt hostility on behalf of Luxembourg began in 1951, after the US withdrawal.

[edit] Bahrain's Plan

Bahrain's forces were to approach from the east by sea. A small detachment of elite troops would land at the East point and scale the perilous cliffs onto the island proper, while the ships would provide support by way of ordinance and antiaircraft capabilities. They would then clear the area and establish a complex and experimental system of pulleys and levers to lift the 5th Bahraini armoured division up the sheer cliff face, which could then systematically make its way across the island (The armoured division, that is, not the cliff face), easily neutralizing Luxembourgish resistance.

[edit] Luxembourg's Plan

Luxembourg high command had planned initially to attack by submarine, thus taking the Bahraini forces by surprise, but after the first two years of deliberation scrapped that plan and decided to come by air, dropping the Luxembourgish paratroopers on the island and hoping to defeat the Bahrainis by simply saturating the island with soldiers. They would then regroup Where the Pig Fell Off, and commence a systematic sweep of the island to ensure that no pockets of Bahraini resistance might remain.

[edit] What Really Happened

Half of the Bahraini fleet was diverted by a passing pod of dolphins, and didn't reach the island until eight days later. This left the Bahraini force severely crippled, and unable to carry out their plans properly, so they were forced to improvise a second plan on the spot, which included eight yards of purple cloth, a ball of string, twenty six rutting caribou and a disenfranchised proletariat. These items were left on the island and the Bahrainis immediately left to watch from a safe distance. The record of the subsequent events was lost in the archive fire of 1992, but neither side managed a decisive victory, and they were both forced to concede control the island to it's native inhabitant. Who was quite tasty.