The Undertaker
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The Undertaker (AKA Underfaker or Underweartaker) was born at the age of 0, and is the best ever professional wrestler who currently wrestles in the World Wrestling Entertainment. Much to the surprise of casual wrestling fans, there have been several The Undertakers over the years, the need for such usually brought about by accidents involving motorcycles and Celine Dion. He was also known to be with Randy Whoreton in a Hell Pillow Fight in a Cell match. He lost a Bra & Panties Match to Sting at Wrestlepalooza XXXVII. Although he lost the match, his dignity remained intact. At Rubberslam VI he got beaten by the biggest Hollywood star, The Cock also known as 'The Rock'. He also got quite a 'Thrashing' at the Royal Rumble from Randy Scrotum.
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[edit] The Underwear taker I
The original Underwear taker was an unassuming Death Valley mortician. He is the elder brother of underwear Hoo-the fuck-Ray. As business was ironically slow in the area, The Underwear taker sought to increase business by murdering as many people as possible. He decided to do this under the guise of a professional wrestler, as people would assume that when they were stabbed in the face to death, it was part of the act. The Underwear taker received his professional training from the zombie and ghost of Abraham Lincoln, otherwise known as the tag team "10bux".
The Underwear taker devised two finishing moves after his training. The "Tombstone Piledriver" consists of The Underwear taker driving his opponent head first into a freshly baked pizza, resulting in severe burns and hard to get out stains. This move would prove to be ineffective against larger wrestlers such as mean Bus Moniters and Rosie O'Donnell, as they would manage to eat the pizza before the match even began! Thusly, The Underwear taker invented his second finisher, the "Multiple Stabbing of the Face" in which The Underwear taker shoots his opponent with a rifle.
However, despite top-notch training, The Underwear taker's interviews and catchphrases were barely developed. Early interviews consisted of The Underwear taker drunkenly mumbling for half an hour about peaches, capping things off with his catchphrase, "And when I...and when I win the match...that's when you'll realize...when I...win the...when I win over you...I'll win." Needless to say, it didn't fit the gimmick or the dimensions of a t-shirt very well. The Underwear taker would eventually hit upon a winning catchphrase, "I'm going to kill you a few times maybe!" some time in the early 90's.
The Underwear taker found financial success with this approach, and used the money he earned to buy a bottle of rare blue Gatorade from Amazon.com. As blue Gatorade is made from distilled Smurfs, it is clear that this is how he managed to survive being sliced in half by Tony Curtis in what was deemed a "very special" episode of Monk.
The two halves of the Underwear taker each then regenerated into a new Underwear taker. The two Underwear takers realized the potential to double their profits, which became a necessary step after they sweated out the blue Gatorade all over their nice white clothes and had to constantly replace them.
This intensely angered the ghost and zombie of Abraham Lincoln, who felt that The Underwear takers had tarnished the good name of professional wrestling with their overly capitalistic and homicidal approach. The team of "10bux" challenged the two Underwear takers to a tag-team cage pillow match at the inaugural Wrestling Mania.
During the match, it seemed as if The Original Underwear taker was going to finish filling his pillowcase with candy and win the match, when suddenly he left professional wrestling for a stint as television's Dr. Who, leaving his partner to be temporarily transformed into a gold frog by alchemy.
In a fit of despair over losing his only other himself as well as the match, The Underwear taker overdosed on episodes of The Red Green Show, passed out, and woke up in the World Wildlife Fund, or WWF.
[edit] The Underwear taker II
The second Underwear taker (his real name Terji Djurhuus "The great president of the Faroe Islands") made his WWF debut at the 1990 Survivor Series. His first match, an 8-man Survivor Series tag-team match, saw him paired up with "Million Dollar Man" Ted TedDiBiase, The Honky Tonk Man, and Greg Valentine against Dusty Rhodes, Koko B. Ware, Bret Hard, and Richard Hatch. The Underwear taker punched Rhodes a few times, then walked out of the ring for the count-out loss. Later, 'Faker remarked that pummeling the corpulent Rhodes was "like hitting a misshapen beachball filled with gravy" and that he abandoned the match because he "didn't want to miss that episode of Family Matters where Urkel invented something that annoyed Carl. That shit cracks me up."
It turned out he had missed the first airing of the episode, and had to stay up until 3:00 AM to catch the replay. The Underwear taker was forced to consume an insane amount of white lightning. This led to a terrible alcohol addiction for The Underwear taker, who took to carrying a can of vodka to the ring during his matches. The Underwear taker's manager, Paul Bearhug (from the guild of Awful Pun Names, whose fellow members included gardener Chris P. Lettuce, split-personality Jaquelyn Hyde, and Isaac Yankem, D.D.S.), would hold the can of coffee aloft during The Underwear taker's matches. This act would stir up his caffeine withdrawals, giving The Underwear taker the strength to ignore the frequent punches to the head he had already sustained, and hit the "Tombstone 69er" for the win. Luckily for The Underwear taker, Paul Bearer somehow managed to always have at least three freshly baked pizzas within arm's reach. The Underwear taker enjoys Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain. He likes making love at mid-night and a glass of champagne. The Underwear taker also finds the typo Nudertaker hysterical. As of late he has been plagued by the fans chanting "You got ----------!" Nobody knows why this is, scientists say it could be a deep dark secret between Underwear taker and the 50 billion fans.
In 2003, The Underwear taker fueded with the Chairman of the World Whores Entertainment and it came down to a buried alive match between the Underwear taker and Vincent Kennedy McMofo. McMofo sought help from the Underwear taker's illegitimate step brother who was apparently an "accident" as described by his parents, named Kane. Kane took revenge on The Underwear taker for the Underwear taker had set Kane on fire when he was a child and scooped up his left eye. Kane buried the Underwear taker alive but it seemed that Faker had good relations with Satan as he returned for the billionth time after dying, at WM20 and bitch slapped Kane to win the match.
In the year 2005, the Underwear taker was forced to drink even more coffee or (and I quote), I will kick you're ass all the way to hell says Vince McMahon...After the Underwear taker killed Paul Bearer in 2003, he was sent to jail for committing murder and then later appeared on the WWE in 2005 to face Randy Orton in a feud, in which a case he tried to rape Randy's father, "Rodeo Clown" Bob Orton. Randy Orton got really pissed and tried to bury him alive but being the son of a bitch Underwear taker is, he keeps up the act that he is really dead but in reality he is just a big phony.
[edit] Wrestlemania
The underwear taker AKA "the worlds oldest man" is the only wrestler to go 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000006546543211215413431340458675473656456476573246578647657672637657263756743657643786576473657627654672567634756743657632475678436756237856783465784365764372567834657816760617674657634785647657814657846756478 56476571775472657623785647569146574365743675647562436576571975876547645647645763046645743657864378564672646765436573465743657647564765743678564765746574675436757457467584675647567847744754754356874365782724378657843657465784365784678567485674865784657846785674865746857474747 and 1 in wrestlemania he has defeated :
- Wrestlemania The Beginning of Time: God-He and Undertaker were supposed to fight a casket match but he chickened out at the fear of being chokeslammed.
- Wrestlemania 30000 BC: A neantherdal in a bra and panties match
- Wrestlemania 4000 BC LIVE in a galaxy far far away: Darth Vader and the Sith Lord in a Handicap Match. Vader later reveals that he is Undertaker's father. WHAT A STORYLINE!!
- Wrestlemania VII: Jimmy Snooker
- Wrestlemania VIII: Jake "The Crackhead" Roberts
- Wrestlemania IX: Speedy Gonzales
- Wrestlemania XI: King Kong Bundy w/King Kong
- Wrestlemania XII: Diesel (fueled truck)
- Wrestlemania X-Why cannot they stick to roman nuberals or normal numbers: Ric Flair (Retirement on a pole match)
- Wrestlemania 13: Sycho Sid *victory disputed
- Wrestlemania XIV: Kane (He really kaned him)
- Wrestlemania XV: Big Boss Man (Handcuffed-to-the-bedposts Match)
- Wrestlemania X-7: HHH (Humpy Humps Humperson)
- Wrestlemania X-8: Ricardo Paulo Esteban Jose Rodrego Flair
- Wrestlemania XIX: Big Slow & B-Train (Handicap match - FOR THEM!)
- Wrestlemania XX: Kane (When he kaned him again, this time with a kane)
- Wrestlemania 21: Randy Orton (Pillow Fight)
- Wrestlemania 22: Mark Henry Henderson "The Black Bigfoot"
- Wrestlemania 23: Barista for the World Heavyweight Chumpionship
- Wrestlemania 24: The Underwear taker
- Wrestlemania XXV: Jesse Gymini
- Wrestlemania 26: Shrek the Forth
- Wrestlemania 27: Osama Bin Laden in a punjabi prison match (America thanks Undertaker). This match was broadcasted worldwide including Al Jazeera TV.
- Wrestlemania XXXXX: The Rock's evil twin who is also married to Rikishi and Big Daddy V, Big Slow lives in his belly button.
- Wrestlemania 31/12/99: The Y2K problem
- Wrestlemania 28: Religion
- Wrestlemania 29: Wrestlemania 28
- Wrestlemania X to the power of 3: Himself (I still dont know ho he did it)
- Wrestlemania 31: Lex Looger. How did he do it? I DON'T KNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW~!
- Wrestlemania 33: Hardcore Jesus in a extrrrrreeeeeme-rules-crucifixion-match. Hell-in-Gethsemane!!!
- Wrestlemania 34: Super Mario (after Yoshi hit the Yoshi Driver on Mario)
- Wrestlemania 37: Chuck Norris (note: this were an robot called Chuck Norris for the real Chuck Norris look here, Chuck Norris)
- Wrestlemania 40: Daivari aka Daaaaaaaave in a bra and panties match
- Wrestlemania 45: New Zealand
- Wrestlemania 46: Big Fatty V
- Wrestlemania 47: Chuck Norris Version 1.0
- Wrestlemania 49: Homer Simpson
- Wrestlemania 69: Michael Cole
- Wrestlemania 87: Rick Astley
- Wrestlemania Ric Flair's age plus 2: John Cena (He had to actually kill both Cena and Vince McMahon to do it)
- Wrestlemania 99: Bowser, Donkey Kong, Ganondorf & Mewtwo in a 3-on-1 handicap match
- Wrestlemania 100: Michael Jackson's evil son
- Wrestlemania 102: Your Mom
- Wrestlemania 125: Your mom's mom
- Wrestlemania 137: Pikachu
- Wrestlemania 852: A bogan that lives in a park outside the main cinema of New York who eats dog legs. (Cena again)
- Wresltemania 1000: The T-2000
- Wrestlemania 1111: █████ ██████
- Wrestlemania 1203: Randy Orton (when he tried to combine the tombstone into his RKO)
- Wrestlemania 10230: Battle of the Zombies
- Wresltemania 12543: Goku (after being revived many hundred times before)
- Wrestlemania 13169: Ministry Undertaker and Badass Undertaker in a Forgotten Gimmicks burrial match
- Wrestlemania 20001: Shelton Benjamin's momma
- Wrestlemania 72393: Ray Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond
- Wrestlemania 80000:God thunder and lighting match
- Wrestlemania The End of Time: Time itself
- Wrestlemania Gets A Bit Silly: The Entire Cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
- Wrasslamania Teh Thirst: TNA
- Wrestlemania Goes Bananas: Wikipedia
Others include Shawn Michaels, Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, Satan, Robo Hitler, the real Hitler, Walt Disney, another Underwear taker who thought he was a duck, Celine Dion and the Crazy Frog. as well as a A LOT MORE inbetween.
He was eventualy defeated by The Deadman after a duck decided that the events of the year befor...see above...were cruel.
[edit] The Underwear taker (Legend of Zelda: Orcarina of Time)
A depressed fellow who will help you dig up graves to look for rupees and heart pieces. Don't touch his graves during the day though...then Fran and Bear might get you.or not cvbcvb
[edit] The Underwear taker : Casket Match
The concept of the casket match was devised in the year 0 by Esther Rantzen as a method of getting rid of all the old smelly folks who were kicking about on Earth. Essentially the casket match involves a one on one match between The Underwear taker and anyone else. Invariably what happens is The Underwear taker will beat the shit out of you and slip you into a casket and close the lid, at which point the referee will call for the bell and anoint The Underwear taker as the winner. Once you have been defeated in a casket match you die. The Underwear taker cannot ever be defeated in a casket match and sometimes to show off he squares off against more than one combatant, and gets mercilessily beaten down until the other people become too tired to fight and he just gets up as though nothing had ever happened to him and finishes (wins) the match.
Recently the Benoit family tried to take on The Underwear taker in a special 3 on 1 handicap casket match however the deadman obviously prevailed victorious after a grueling match that lasted the whole weekend. The Phenom was tired after the match and has disappeared off the face of the Earth again, no doubt to be spotted prancing around outside the Taj Mahal in the not too distant future. Whenever the Underwear taker wins/kills someone in a casket match, the police cannot prosecute him. This is due to the fact that death is a natural occurrence and not the fault of The Underwear taker.
[edit] The Underwear taker : Notable Casket Match Victims
Please note the Undertaker has a win loss record in Casket matches of 15,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and 0
- Godzilla(He had defeated Gozilla before but godzilla regenerated)
- Princess Diana
- President Kennedy
- Donald Dewar
- Eddie Guerrero
- The casket match
- Kurt Angle's dignity (Oh, its REAL! IT'S DARN REAL!)
- The Milky-Bar Kid
- The Ice Age
- Nintendo's credibility
- The Rest Of The World XI
- Bob Monkhouse
- Bernard Manning
- Tupac Shakur
- Owen Hart
- Owen Wilson (in kayfabe)
- Yokozuna
- The Queen Mum
- Oscar Wilde
- Pikachu
- Eminem's Popularity - (Note, concepts can be defeated as easily as sentient human beings)
- Jill Dando
- Vince McMahon
- Jesus Christ
- Muhammed Hassan
- Miss Elizabeth
- Bam Bam Bigelow
- Crash Holly
- Both Kevin Nash and Scott Hall's WWF fake posers when they tried to give him head.
- Kevin Federline
- Hulk Hogan's left knee
- Nu-Metal
- The Kaizer Chiefs - (Twats)
- Saddam Hussein
- Jeffrey Dahmer
- All Terrorists (But obviously except for Osama Bin Ladin)
- Earthquake
- British Bulldog
- Brian Pillman
- That one out of Ocean Colour Scene
- Dinosaurs
- Aeris Gainsborough
- Richard Whitely
- John Kronus
- Goku (He defeated Goku multiple times but Goku keeps coming back cuz of the damn dragon balls.)
- George "Dubya" Bush
- Kurt Cobain
- His Attorney
- His Playstation 3 after he lost GM mode on Smackdown vs. Raw 2008
- His left testicle
- His own career. (Cmon he should retire already)
- The zombies from resident evil
- The T-1000
- Tommy Dreamer's nightmare
- Louis the Fly
- The third Hokage(Naruto)
- Anyone who met him
- Anyone dead..........ever!
- Ronald McDonald
- WWF
- God
- System Of A Down
- Samantha Newly
- Randy Orton's philosophy as a legend killer
- 50 Cent (he was shot nine times)(and all by undertaker)
- Popularity of Rap Music among white people
- Soulja boy's proper usage of the english language
- Your mom
- NHL
- Carrot Top
- Team Rocket
- Oprah wimfery
- That guy who doesn't exist
- The Doctor
- DragonForce
- Freddy Mercury - only way to explain his death
[edit] The Underpantstaker
After his retirement, he came back to the WWE under the name The UnderpantsTaker. Taker dressed in a multi-colored cloak with his theme song being "It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls. He basically goes backstage into the men's locker room and steals their underpants. In the ring, his finisher is the Pants ripper as he reaches in their pants and steals their underpants without taking their pants off. His manager, Rico, normally distracts the wrestler to execute this move.
[edit] Quotes
“Man, that Pikachu put up a better struggle than Princess Di!”
~ Underwear taker on defeating Pikachu in a casket match at Wrestlemania 1.
“Christ almighty that took longer than I thought it would!”
~ Underwear taker on the time it took to defeat all 3 Benoit's at WWE - In Your House - Die Bitch Die!!!
“That's a jolly important job that Underwear taker fellow does it's a shame I ended his Mania streak LOL”
~ Oscar Wilde on Underwear taker's role in society.
“Ooft I couldn't give a flying fuck if the public are upset or not to be honest!”
~ Underwear taker on the huge public outcry after Underwear taker was booked to win against the Queen Mum.
“I hope you cleaned that casket, it reeks of the Queen Mum's piss!”
~ Bob Monkhouse on being rolled into the same casket as used for the Queen Mum a mere two weeks earlier
“Pi pi pik pikachu!!!”
~ Pikachu on the feeling of dread he felt when the Underwear taker choke slammed him off the top rope, then slowly rolled him to his death
“When Crimewatch asked me to take part in the reconstruction of the Jill Dando match, i told the producer point blank.....get Jessica Alba to play Jill Dando and I'm in. Man i'd plough that stupid!”
~ Underwear taker on the BBC's Crimewatch programme looking to reconstruct the final moments of Jill Dando's life
“If I wasn't out of my face on crack I think I could have taken him!”
~ Miss Elizabeth on her chances of becoming the person to end the Underwear taker's streak in casket matches
“We have decided that it's not teenagers, but yet THE UNDERTAKER that "scares the living shit outta" us.”
~ My Chemical Romance on the freaky-ness of Undertaker's entrance.
[edit] See Also
The Ministry of Darkness The Corporate Ministry
