The grand unified theory of everything

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“First of all, there is some stuff, see, and then there is more stuff mixed in. So that makes a lump. But then, you see, there isn't just one lump, there's loads - like millions - and all these lumps add up. And when you add up all those you get lumps in everything.”

~ Martha Stewart on lumpy gravy

[edit] Discovery

The theory is generally credited to Herman Wankel R'taryengin, a French dentist born in San Fransisco. Interestingly enough, he happened to be Einstein's dentist at the time. R'taryengin claimed that the theory simply occurred to him, in a blinding flash of inspirational light, while he was delicately adjusting the great man's molars. This may have been a rare example of the exalted genius-transfer phenomenon. Unfortunately, the light was real, and Herman went permanently blind as a result. Incidentally, Einstein fell out of the dentists chair and sprained his elbow, and to this day, the science community discusses the incident at parties, conferences and in the restroom with humor. Hence the derogatory term of being "a Wankel", which in popular usage has become "Wanker" due to sloppy pronunciation by Australians or some Britt.

[edit] History

The Grand Unified Theory of Everything (GUFE) has been a goal of science since well before the invention of mobile phones by Virgin Wireless in the 1920s. Up to the uniquely prosperous summers of the early 1930s, two very preliminary attempts had been made to consolidate physical theory; however both failed when placed under critical scientific scrutiny. This led to the third theory being dubbed, GUFE-gamma (GUFEY) following the scientific convention of using gamma to denote 3rd. Up to the late 18th century, scientists had some success with the theories of some things like gravitation, but had failed to connect those theories with well established phenomenon, in particular specular-crystal actuated positron power and polarized mass-density phaser beams. Wonderfully enough, GUFEY would allow these phenomena to be consolidated into a single, handy equation. The actual theory is very detail intensive, but basically, previous physical theory was all very "lumpy" in with many disjointed parts -- not terribly inspiring or useful.

One of the large insights of R'taryengin's is that the universal gravitational constant, Gee (for graviton effective energy, the origin of colloquial expressions such as, "He is experiencing 4 Gees of gravity), could be directly related to electromagnetism using the commutative, adiabatic crystalar constant, Bud (for bilateral undulating discrepancy), the constant 54 and the mass of the planet Saturn.

Strangely, GUFEY seem to imply that the fusion of large mass objects was physically possible. Quite jokingly, this led a scientist member of the physics department of the university of Yffad in Seohsymteastan to propose an excellent theory of cat-pancreatic fusion, for example, but this was entirely unrelated to the actual theory of the pancreas. Optimistically, scientists at the CERN (short for kernel, since it has been known to radiate enough energy to pop popcorn in nearby residences) laboratory in Switzerland even went so far as to put an experimental cat and a living hamster pancreas into their particle accelerator, hoping to see what happened when the two were unified at high speed. All that happened, however, was pancreatic cat-mush, which has no practical benefit whatsoever, apart from being an excellent tasty sandwich spread.

In 1935, a British scientist, Donald Archibald Frugglerer, announced that he had discovered a flaw in GUFEY with respect to the dynamic instabilities of vanilla pudding; He went on to propose a 'Grand Theory of Very Nearly Everything' which managed to reduce the entirety of existence to a single equation with the notable exception, inexplicably, of Toasters and Golfballs'. This managed to shock the entire scientific community, except for the guys up at CERN who were just itching to try a cat with a toaster this time. Many in the community of science echoed the notion that this was good enough, but in the offices of the purists, Mr. Frugglerer photograph became the dart board of choice. He was later upset to find himself banned from many golf clubs.

In the early 1990s, String Theory (not to be confused with Silly String Theory) came to the fore, saying everything was just a manifestation of many (well, probably 15, certainly not more than, say, 19 or so) tightly curled-up and compacted dimensions, leaving only three or four hanging loose enough, as it were, to fit our perception of things. To visualize this, imagine one of those old shoelace knots that, due to basement humidity and years of negligence has become, in essence, yellow and petrified. Also imagine that your cat has managed to pull loose 3 or 4 frayed strands. Our universe would then exist on those refreshingly freed, feline-saliva soaked ends.

Around 1997, the German physicist-mathematician, Herr Professor Joergel Kringgodt-AusPuffen attempted a tensor reformulation of then accepted string theory into a vastly more complex rubberband theory to account for the looseness of the minority dimensions making up our everything. He failed, although interestingly he found that the effort was applicable to general irritable bowel syndrome. Joergel therefore went on to found a highly selective meditation center in Bayern from which he marketed a new kind of meditation that was very efficacious in easing constipation. In an interview, he is reported stating that running the center pays much better than he ever earned as a tenured professor in Berlin.

[edit] Applications

Thanks to Mr. R'taryengin's theory, we will all soon be able to watch television from the moon and have sex with whoever we want just by brushing our organs every day.