Complete History of the World
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“7”
~ The Complete History of the World
“OK. THAT would be a MOVIE. WE are learning about REALITY.”
~ John Hesting on World History
Following is the Complete History of the World, as approved by the powers that be.
[edit] Chapter I: Paradise, And How We Screwed It Up
Once upon a time, there was an omnipotent, omnipresent being known as God; who, long before his largest share of ownership was purchased by the Republican Party, decided he would create the universe. Today he is best known for this, forgiving people's sins, and deciding who wins the Super Bowl.
And so, in 5,632 B.C., give or take three minutes, the universe was born. Following this, God took rest, before eventually deciding that he should create the first humans, as a source of mild amusement. After pondering how to go about this for a little while, God finally made a decision: he would create a male first (as he did not want to be incessantly lectured), Adam, who would take on the image of a snowy-white Aryan superman. Realizing Adam's robust physique deserved an equally impressive habitat, God also was gracious enough to place Adam in the Garden of Eden upon his entry into the world, a place which could be likened to the modern-day African Lion Safari.
Of course, God's decision to only create one solitary human proved emotionally insensitive, as Adam soon grew lonely. Reluctant to create a female but equally reluctant to use his grandeuse powers to create a jar of Vaseline, God begrudgingly removed one of Adam's ribs and used it as the basis for Eve's birth. God then told the couple to be "fruitful and multiply," which is ancient Greek for "incest."
For a while, things in the Garden of Eden were going fine; save Adam's frequent complaints that Eve looked like a "fat bitch" from a Renaissance painting. And while these acquisitions are actually tangible (see: Adam and Eve, by Gustav Klimt), they nonetheless caused Eve enough distress that she wandered off into the forest alone. Here, she met Satan, (who, aside from being Lord of the Underworld, would later become a prominent advisor in the White House), who came to her in the form of a serpent. Thrown offguard when the serpent introduced himself as Monty Python, Eve was eventually convinced by him to eat the Fruit of Knowledge, which she was told would give her eternal life and wisdom. Contrastingly, all her consumption of the fruit would really grant her is condemnation by Adam, and a monthly period which women would have to endure in successive milline.
God, fed up with Eve's disobedience and angered by his precognition that Sega Corp. was going to use the term "Genesis", which he coined, as a name for a video game console, decided to banish both Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. Disillusioned, but determined to continue life, Adam and Eve were forced to live in the real world, a land where sustenance is a chore and blacks and monkeys roam freely. Their departure from Eden marks the end of a period of history formally referred to as "A Really Long Time Ago".
[edit] Chapter II: Intermittent Stuff Between Genesis and Ancient Greece
“The Bible doesn't promote killing innocent people, Grand Theft Auto does. Islam does”
After Adam and Eve's fall from grace, which is considered by many non-denominational Christians to be the authorized version of the story of the first nudist, the Bible documents several of Adam and Eve's exploits before bearing their first child. Unfortunately, not a single one of the pages wherein these stories are documented is worth summarizing, let alone reading, so I will skip straight to the next Internet Generation-friendly story: that of Cain and Abel.
Cain and Abel were the sons of Adam and Eve, and lived together in initially as harmonious a way as possible. However, after Cain offered God fruit and grain, an offer God turned down in preference of Abel's offering of animal fat and milk for unspecified reasons (perhaps an aversion to vegetables), Cain decided that he should kill Abel. Whether or not there were any other contributing factors in Cain's decision to commit fratricide is a source of much debate, though many college graduates have suggested that it is probably because they were roommates.
And so, come the next morning, Cain invited Abel out for a walk, before promptly killing him with an item that has been identified as either a stone, a cane (talk about irony), or a plough. God, aggravated at discovering that Cain had committed the first murder, determined that the only appropriate punishment for him would be to wander the Earth forever, a punishment that, while possibly seeming mild compared to dropping the soap in an American jail, is actually extremely afflictive and torturous. Like with Cain's initial motives in killing Abel, his whereabouts are a constant source of argument between experts, most of whom either believe that he built a house and had it's roof collapse, went to live with an Irish-Amerian Mormon in 1868, or settled with a bundle of twigs on the moon, thus explaining its shadow.
Even more interesting than the story of Cain and Abel, though, is the story of Noah, which occurs in the Bible after dozens of pages devoted to the recording of successive generations through the use of the disyllabic term "begat", i.e. John Smith begat Michael Smith, etc, and adds significantly to it's credibility as the best existing source of ancient history.
Noah is thought by racial superiorists to have been born with a body white as snow, and to have been by the time of his adulthood the only moral person in the world. God, agonized yet again by the preponderance of evil among humans, decided he would simply summon a flood and drown them all, a solution which he thought a masterpiece of reason and justice. However, since God wasn't all that bad, he called upon Noah to construct an "Ark" (a large boat with a pseudonym adopted dubiously from the title of a Steven Spielberg film) in which he would capture and place every animal known to man that tasted good. And since Noah was quite a gourmand, this meant he would have to capture a lot of animals.
Despite God's positive intentions to mass murder all of humankind and rebirth it, his faith in civilization sunk even further as Noah had trouble with his task, and instead was consistently getting drunk and stoned [by his neighbours]. However, if one positive thing did emerge from Noah's frequent overindulgence, it was The Curse of Ham; a curse placed upon a black guy who stumbled into Noah's house when Noah was drunk, and naked, that condemned black people to be slaves forever. A fortunate implication of this is that Europeans were able to remain morally exempt from their horrendous colonization of Africa in later centuries, which would give the white man not only pearls to make fancy necklaces with, but also ivory.
Noah, humbled by God's intervention in his affairs, sobered up, made fine baked goods for his neighbours as to stay on good terms, and continued his building of the Ark and his capturing of edible animals. Much to his dismay, though, problems continued to arise, as not only were animal rights groups protesting his unequal inclusion of animals on the Ark, but the then-Environmental Protection Agency was also berating him for not filing an environmental impact statement with regards to the Judaic God's proposed flood up to that point in the Ark's construction.
Undaunted, Noah finally completed the Ark that following month, which met God's approval, as witnessed by his comment in Genesis 8 that traveling in the Ark is "much faster than walking". And so, with this task complete, God flooded the world, and everyone died, including Noah's neighbours who stoned him, who prior to their deaths realized how clearly wrong they were for choosing not to randomly construct a boat the size of a football field to sail in an arid climate, as Noah had.
Also, sometime shortly after the flood had came and went, God burnt to the ground the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah because lots of gay people lived in them. Descendants of those perished are currently awaiting an explanation, however, as to why Hollywood is still allowed to exist.
[edit] Chapter III: The History of Ancient Greece: Philosophical, Democratic, and Culinary
“In Greece wise men speak and fools decide.”
~ Alexander Santayana
Long before the Roman Empire plagiarized every Greek invention in existence and became a superpower in the process; Greece, a country now known by most only because every Greek person has a cousin living in Toronto, was actually a paramount example of western civilization at its finest.
You see, in it's heyday, three things which have proven vital to the development of successive societies emerged from Greece: philosophy, democracy, and falafels. And while the former two seem to be in a state of ruination at present, I am glad to report that the market for falafels has seen major growth over the past decade, with many grocers now offering them in a frozen-food format.
Of course, as with later European civilization, Ancient Greece did not arrive at the absolute summit of enlightenment without a religious foundation. And while, regrettably, Ancient Greeks were not adherent to the Bible (a text which has spurred nothing but knowledge and virtue since it's publication), they did have their own preeminent spiritual text: The Illiad, a book which is basically like The Bible, except with more gay sex. For this reason, it is generally seen as inferior.
The Illiad, written by Homer in the 9th century B.C., or sometime before the creation of the universe according to Biblical dating, did have several other distinguishing characteristics to it, though, other than homosexual intercourse. Its plot, often misconstrued as being the chronicle of a major conflict between condom manufacturers, was actually highly innovative for its time, and follows the true story of Achilles, a mythic warrior who plunged himself into a faraway battle after thinly escaping being charbroiled and eaten by his mother, Thetis. Remarkably enduring, The Illiad was even made into a film in 2004, which, to the dismay of many historians, did not depict Thetis as a frequent instigator of infanticide, but rather as a normal mother with typically suburban ambitions for her child (do some crap, get successful, get married, die). As Troy was a major motion picture that featured both Brad Pitt and Eric Bana as part of an all-star-cast though, I think it is safe to assume that it's rendition of the story is probably more accurate than the poem's.
The greatest poet to write prior to Bob Dylan; Homer, however, was only one of Greece's many major intellectual figures. Others include Socrates, who people still talk about despite the fact he spent most of his time asking stupid questions like "why does the moon pale in midnight's eve?" and "how are babies made?", Pythagoras, who, despite being a self-proclaimed advocate of logic brought on his own death via an irrational fear of corn fields, and Aristotle, who invented the syllogism. The syllogism, in particular, would have a major influence on the development of western rational thinking, as it allowed for a process of thought which could be used to easily unearth truths. For example, a typical syllogism might go something like this: "My stapler is red. The sky in an apocalyptic drawing made by a kindergartner is red. Therefore, my stapler will fill the sky in an apocalyptic world." As is evidenced by the truth of the aforementioned claim, the syllogism's invention lead to a massive accumulation of knowledge in the west, the sweeping majority of which was inscrutably correct.
While Greece had many city-states prior to its unification, the one best remembered is probably Athens, a place in antiquity where guys with long beards (many of whom are mentioned above) could go to feel in the in-crowd. From this city came the beginnings of democracy in 507 B.C. under Cleisthenes, who spearheaded a revolt against dictatorship “in partnership with the people”. Democracy, for its part, was a form of government far superior to any that had come before it, as it allowed for anyone to have a voting say in governmental affairs who was not female, in slavery, Jewish, black, red-haired, poor, non-Athenian, twice removed from anyone non-Athenian, or prone to resisting advances made by sexually promiscuous aristocrats (this is Ancient Greece). In an active form, democracy is the practice of placing several elected constituents in a room together until they find, by trial and error, a topic they disagree over, which they will argue about incessantly and at the expense of taxpayers. For this reason, a simple preposition such as whether to refill a Coke machine or not will take several weeks to decide, as a resolution must be reached which pleases all parties equally. This method of governance is generally seen as highly efficient.
[edit] Chapter IV: Alexander the "Great"
“[He] must be too mean-spirited to get Contentment from sitting by a woman.”
~ Bertolt Brecht on Alexander the Great
Democracy in Athens, regardless of it's perfection, did not last forever though, as by 340 B.C. Philip II of Macedonia had swept through Greece, crushing the resistance he faced by city-states and unifying them into one collective nation. However, in 336 B.C. - just as Philip II had began organizing all of Greece into a singular governing body - he was killed by a gay lover, Pausanias. Strangely, Pausanias is generally cited as having killed Philip II due to a deep-seeded resentment he felt, spurred by Philip's refusal to avenge a brutal rape he had undergone at a tupperware party.
Fortunately, Philip II had already produced an heir prior to his death - Alexander III, who would later become known as Alexander the Great. Tutored by Aristotle from birth, Alexander was already renowned by the age of eighteen among the Greek aristocracy for not only his obvious desire to sleep with his mother, but also for his massively bloated ego. In defense of Alexander, though, he did have to live with Aristotle's pronunciation that he was "probably the son of Zeus" from the time he was eight years old, a conclusion Aristotle arrived at by virtue of the famous syllogism: "Zeus has a white beard. Philip II is Alexander's father, and he also has a white beard. Therefore, there is at least a 50/50 chance Alexander is the son of Zeus."
The real question surrounding Alexander's rise to power - and one that is too scarcely asked by experts - is, was he that great? I mean, surely, praise is due to him for conquering so many nations that I would fill the rest of this essay if I attempted to list them all, but his personality was fairly one-dimensional with regards to the whole "ransacking and pillaging" shtick. Would he have been talented if he had tried his hand at a canvas, or if he had attempted to cook a casserole? Perhaps - but we'll never know. That's what being too singleminded can do to you.
In addition, his colleagues in the army all considered him a flagrant imbecile, and their beliefs were perhaps validated during his invasion of Persia, when he spontaneously decided after a night of drunken partying that it would be a good idea to burn down Persepolis, a city containing the ancient world's finest architecture. Given, this was not atypical behavior for someone of the time, as cities in Persia were pillaged every second weekend or so, but wouldn't you expect a more empathetic attitude from someone who has been labeled "Great"? Alexander was hardly in touch with his sensitive side. Bluntly put, times change, and so should the sobriquets.
On June 11th, 323 B.C., after having thinly amassed enough troops to invade India by virtue of having convinced the women back home that their husbands would die in battle and would be replaced by Indian eunuchs with a greater heterosexual libido, Alexander died. A diagnosal performed shortly thereafter indicated his health had deteriorated due to alcohol poisoning, which he had contracted at a party he had attended (he was half Macedonian) the prior night.
[edit] Chapter V: Jesus and Rome, With No Particular Emphasis on the Former
“Rome wasn't unbuilt in 15 minutes.*”
- I actually made this quote up.
Following the fall of Greece, questions began to arise among the intelligentsia as to which nation would eventually fill the shoes of the great superpower. While most believed it would either be China, India, or some other country that's name no one can remember, it actually turned out to be Rome, a small city founded by two handicaps who grew up being breastfed by a she-wolf.
Many cities today share some form of likeness with Ancient Rome. Among these is Washington D.C., the capital of the United States. In Ancient Rome, which was built on seven hills; the seventh hill, Capitol Hill, was used to build a prison. Washington D.C.'s Capitol Hill is used today to harbor American politicians. In this regard, the similarity is almost uncanny.
Shortly after Rome's foundation, it began to flourish tremendously. While it's pattern of growth runs contrary to what many leaders would've predicted, given that it was commanded by Romulus, the eldest of the two retards raised by a she-wolf, many have cited Rome's success as being a byproduct of the fact that it's initial foundation was merely a practical joke instigated by Romulus, who had always thought it would be funny to have a city named after him. In accordance with Aristotle's famed theoretical formula, which states that when moronic people attempt to do moronic things their stupidity tends to backfire and lead to greatness, it is completely plausible that Romulus could have indeed founded the world's greatest empire, despite his head being the densest object then known to man. Incidently, as Rome was an Empire that knew not to meddle with a good thing, their successive leaders were also chosen in accordance with Aristotle's formula, whereby the Senate would hold a vote on who was the dumbest citizen living in Rome, venerate their power, and then tell them do the opposite of what was required.
Once the Romans had built a prosperous city with a few hills, they decided to then construct an Empire, and, being uncreative in their choice of names, decided to call it the Roman Empire. A few hundred years later, Julius Caesar rose to power, becoming well-loved among the commoners not only because he was inexplicably named after a cocktail, but also because he invented the Caesar Salad, a non-Kosher salad which he forced Jews to eat as a method of torture.
Around this time, Rome's greatest writer, Virgil, was also born. In the ancient world, everyone who was unemployed was either a philosopher or a poet, and, as philosophers still had to teach two classes a week at the forum, Virgil decided to become a poet. Because his most famous work, The Aeneid, was shamelessly plagiarized from The Illiad, he was ultimately sent to hell, where he was put in charge of giving tours of the Underworld, as documented in Dante's Inferno. However, eventually he was even kicked out of hell, as he once whispered into Dante's ear while in the company of Satan that he thought Satan would look "scarier in person."
However, the brief period of peace and prosperity enjoyed under Julius Caesar was abruptly ended in 44 B.C., when Marcus Brutus assassinated him, leading to the slicing of Rome into two parts by a pair of Caesars, Marc Antony and Octavian. Eventually, Marc Antony fell from public favour after a steamy affair with Cleopatra, who, despite being rumored as beautiful, was actually so hideous that Antony demanded she put a paper bag over her head when he had sex with her. Capitalizing on this momentum, Octavian defeated Antony and swept to power in 27 B.C., reinstating the Roman Senate, and, in an astounding act of vanity, making himself supreme dictator of everything in spite of the former.
Just as the reality of Augustus' reign had begun to settle in the consciences of Romans abroad, another profoundly important historical event occurred in a different part of the Empire: the birth of Jesus Christ. Thought to be born of "immaculate conception" because his mother needed an excuse for pregnancy she encumbered after a series of one-night-stands, Jesus' birth occurred in a manger due to the lack of vacancy available in the local hotels in Bethlehem. While it is the cause of much speculation, there is a general consensus among scholars that the hotels in Bethlehem were probably filled at the time of Jesus' birth because its date fell, oddly, near that of Christmas.
Taking thirty years to pioneer his signature 'tude before becoming christened as a Baptist under John the Baptist and launching his ministry, Jesus followed in the tradition of past Hebrew prophets in that he was almost universally disliked. In Jesus' case, this was because he would constantly wander around the streets of Jerusalem, handing out cards to piety thieves which he claimed were good for the redemption of either three venial sins or one mortal sin. In addition, he would also frequently claim to crowds of onlookers that he was the Son of God (not that big a deal, since I've done it like, six times while drunk), infuriating Judaic religious authorities. When asked at the time, God declined to comment, though he did request that his name not be associated with Jesus anymore.
In light of God's request and Jesus' "dine-and-dash" approach toward paying the bill for the Last Supper, the Jews decided that he had to go. Summoning the Roman authorities to do their bidding, Pontius Pilate, the general appointed to keep the peace in Jerusalem, had Jesus killed without compunction. However, as the texts included in the Bible were chosen almost exclusively by Romans during the Council of Nicea, Pontius Pilate is essentially vindicated for this in it's depiction of Jesus' trial; the blame for Jesus' death being instead placed upon the High Priests of Jerusalem. This slight err would later result in two major tragedies: the release of Mel Gibson's atrociously poor directorial effort The Passion of the Christ, and, less offensively, the holocaust.
Following Augustus' reign, one of Rome's most popular emperors, Nero, came to power. Named after a CD burning software by his mother, Agrippina, Nero decided early in his reign on this basis that it would be a humorous irony for him to burn down one of Rome's largest residential quarters, and to play fiddle while it was happening. However, after the public failed to relate to his sense of humor, which had now forced thousands of Romans into vagrancy, Nero quickly reconciled his popularity by constructing a large theme park in the area of the city that had been destroyed, which featured not only a variety of attractions, built also utilized burning Christians as a method of nighttime lighting, thus reducing energy costs.
Aside from being a total pinhead, and, by extension, seen as representative of the average Roman citizen, Nero was also widely praised for his decision to appoint his favourite horse to Senate, who, when give veto power (by virtue of being able to "nigh!", or whatever noise a horse makes) over which reforms should be introduced, ultimately lead Rome to a period of greater prosperity than they had seen in decades. A tactful politician, another one of Nero's gifts was his ability to divert attention away from his mistakes, which he would often do by feeding members of the persecuted religious group the lions to bloodthirsty Christians in the colloseums as a spectacle.
As he found almost everything funny, Nero is frequently accredited with inventing the "Yo Momma!" joke, which, in 68 B.C., lead to a revolt among the commoners, the majority of whom felt offended by their own leader's abysmal sense of humour. While it was long thought that Nero was assassinated, this has recently proven a misinterpretation of a statement made by Suetonius, who, contrary to scholarly belief, was actually being literal when he quipped that Nero "slipped and fell on a knife."
After Nero's death, a power struggle ensued, which saw several substandard emperors succeed him over the years, none of whom are worth mentioning. What is, though, is Hadrian's Wall, which, according to historians of ancient Chinese heritage, was supposed to be built to protect China from invading parties. Unfortunately, as the builder commissioned to construct the wall was Irish, he got drunk the day before, and built it in England, which was then part of the Roman Empire. The lesson learned: don't let an Irishman build your wall, because it might end up 6,000 miles away from where it was intended to be.
As the Roman Empire's power and influence weakened toward 476 A.D., it quickly became an area of choice for assorted groups of Barbarians to hang out and pillage. However, after a particularly bad summer when the city was sacked a total of 9,000 times by Huns, Visigoths and Ostrogoths, - who are like Goths, but instead of sulking, they prefer to ravage cities - the Germanic chief Odoacer forced the last Roman emperor in the west, Romulus Augustus, to abdicate.
Sensing a shift in the powers-that-be, the Roman-Catholic Church, now the largest support group in the world, held a board meeting before deciding that, in light of Northern European supremacy, they would send missionaries to Northern Europe, where they could hopefully convert various tribes of Barbarians and recover much of the capital they had invested in sustaining a slipshod Roman economy. Much to the delight of several old, white men, the campaign to culturally assimilate Northern Europe proved wildly successful, so much so that not only was the term "Barbarian" adopted in the west as a pejorative term to describe someone who lacks manners, but the Barbarians, who had previously been responsible for the destruction of Rome, would spend the better part of the next 2000 years attempting to recreate it.
[edit] Chapter VI: *Drumroll* Christendom
"What be can say about the Teutonics? They were the n00bs of the cruzades. they were pwn3d manytimes by the muslims. They worn a not too nice white robe with a black cross, it symbolizes: "Hey dude, we are the templars, really! Ok you get me, the templars has a red cross, but...We ownz all!" - Darklunius, Internet Gamer
Ranked by Harper's Index as the second least awesome historical era next to the twentieth century, the seventh, eighth, and ninth centuries are commonly described by historians as being characterized by disease, scientific regression, and widespread ignorance. On the contrary, the Dark Ages (as they are often called) were one of the most progressive times in human history - not just because they had really nifty stuff like knights, dungeons, dragons, etc., but also because several different remarkably innovative concepts were pioneered during this time, including crop rotation, iron-rich diets, and heavy plows.
Infact, it was not until the time of Petrarch, an Italian poet and early humanist, that people began to look down upon the way in which society was organized in the "Dark Ages." Frankly, in historical retrospect, it's hard to see why Petrarch's opinion was relevant, as all he ever really succeeded in doing was condemning a peaceful pre-modern agricultural society (western Europe) and learning how to speak Greek, though in his translation of the Illiad the lisping twit actually gargles the manly cadences of the original. Never mind this, though: Petrarch is leading the world into a new age of enlightenment, and western Europeans are a bunch of monkeys. Let's review his progress. Western Europeans have the plague and smell bad. Petrarch, by contrast, has the plague, smells bad, and speaks Greek. Wow, I can just feel that Renaissance coming, can't you?
The reality is that, despite what Petrarch thought, western Europe was a very sophisticated place, with a penchant for the arts and literature which made Renaissance Italy's look pathetic in comparison. Charlemagne, for example, encouraged people to read and write, all the while studying the works of St. Augustine, conquering western Europe, getting crowned Holy Roman Emperor and nailing three or four concubines every night. Ever hear of a little thing called Beowulf, Petrarch? Or the poetry of Walafrid Strabo? The stuff he wrote about his garden was so great it was lifted by Tupac.
Several remarkable battles occurred during the "Dark Ages", including, perhaps most notably of all, the crusades. Convinced in 1145 A.D. that if they joined the war effort they would receive not only a helmet with a fancy cross on it but would also get the opportunity to cut the heads of several Muslims off (which today is officially listed as the national sport of the United States), legions of Christian warriors crossed south through Spain to invade Jerusalem, where they would thinly defeat its Islamic defenders before establishing an outpost in the Holy Land. However, by 1187 A.D., Saladin had recaptured the Holy Land, albeit granting clemency to the Christian Army and it's families in the process for their invasion of Jerusalem, which he viewed as an astounding act of faith given their unlikely forty-year success. Subsequently, the most highly-respected thinkers in all of western Europe held a conference, wherein they decided that if their adult armies could not defeat the Muslims, surely armies comprised entirely of children could. However, the several thousand children sent to fight in the "Children's Crusade" were all captured long before their arrival in the Middle East, and, unclimatically, sent to work as slaves in Africa. This incident is generally thought to mark the advent of child labour.
Another conflict worthy to mention is the one fought in by Joan of Ark, the Hundred Years' War (which, for the record, actually went on 116 years). At the impressionable age of thirteen, Joan began hearing voices, which of course were due solely to God and his angels, having nothing to do with dissociative identity disorder. The voices told her to go to a nearby church, and therein beneath the altar find a sword. Sure enough, as knights at the time would leave swords as offerings, she found a sword, thus proving herself a miraculous prophet who would lead armies to the ultimate victory of France.When commanding her soldiers, Joan went by the unassuming title of "She Who Was Asked By God To Go And Conquer France". She led her men to several great victories before being reminded that she was French. Upon this realization, she promptly surrendered to the British, who proceeded to try her as a witch.
In 1478 A.D., the Spanish Inquisition occurred, which, despite being often attributed to the Catholic Church, was actually a ploy by the Spanish monarchy to better their fledgling financial situation by killing Jews and Muslims (whose lives everyone knows are expendable) and confiscating their assets. In this regard, the inquisition could be viewed in much the same light as the War on Terror. Remarkably, the University of Portugal's academic report which suggested that the impoverishment of Europe during the Dark Ages could be curbed simply by murdering tens of thousands of infidels must've been correct, as by 1600 A.D. the majority Europe had entered the Renaissance, an era viewed as superior to the one which predeccesed it. This perception exists not only because fine rugs began being imported to Europe during this time, but also because widespread literacy caused a plethora of Italian sonnets to be written, not a single one of which was worth reading.
As the Spanish Inquisition was an act of genocide, a word which is the antithesis of genesis, the point from which this essay began, I think it is appropriate that I end this historical essay here. I do this not only to distinctly illustrate the huge leaps of progress made by humankind from the year 5,632 B.C. to 1,600 A.D., but also because little of interest occurred in the Renaissance, save maybe Henry VIII founding his own religion because he couldn't get a hard-on.
