The holy Church-Christ Army of Protest

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“These people are fucking nuts....”

~ Captain Obvious on Jesant Army

“And the existence of such an organization seems highly.... improbable”

~ Captain Obvious on Jesant Army

This article is about a militant subset of Protestantism. To find out more about the beautiful people and the beautiful religion of Protestantism. Please see the article on Protestants.

For the real link to the article on the Prostestant click the Protestant.

Founded in 1955 to combat the encroach of Catholicism and (Although the Neo-Nazi division protests this) Mormonism. The Holy Church-Christ Army of Protest(ant) immediately began spreading God Allah's TRUE word which is in direct contrast to The Wicked Apocrypha.

The glorious (and sometimes vainglorious) engagements and details of the Holy Church-Christ Army of Protest(ant) are listed below.

[edit] Blatant Corporate Sponsorship

The Jesant Army has been constantly criticized for being a total shit. But since they fuck Capitalism and Scientology, it's ok....

Recently they've begun to have many things Sponsored (Pfizer) by various (McDonalds) Respectable (Nestle, HooHa Girls, Bigelow Aerospace, NSA Companies (NOT KRAFT!. THEY R EV1L CON-AGR4 WIN!!!).

[edit] Major contributors

Note: We are very sorry but McDonald's is NOT a contributor to this GREAT cause. (Maybe holding Ronald Mcdonald hostage however, would 'change' things a bit).

The Holy Church-Christ Army of Protest(ant). Or 'JESANT ARMY' for short. Has three main (major) venues for their soldiers, troops, and supplies. (For extra behind the scenes info, see Protestant.)

• Westboro Baptist Church. With the brilliant strategic, military, and tactical guidance of homosexual supa(er)-star Fred Phelps. The WBC has provided COUNTLESS numbers of his offspring for service in the JESANT ARMY. Since unlike those Wicked Cathyz, Protestants would NEVER die for their faith (Seriously, being a Saint is, like, totally gay. (Hare-Krishna gay).

The WBC has provided the following over the years.

• 269,885.6 WBC maniacs which are commonly 'freed' from various mental institutions across the nation. Due to their mental instability and often suicidal tendencies. It is a common choice for a captain or other mid-ranking officer with little pull in the Jesant Army to use these WBC maniacs (often called 'Wanies') as cannon fodder and sometimes surprisingly skilled ground troops.

• Training for 6,228 'hyper-skilled' elite combat tough-situation insertion troops (also known as J'elites) to combat the Nunist threat.
• 3 LARGE caches of Si-tok's gleaned from the rubble of Holy Waco.

The Sitok Rifle which the J'elite's have allegedly used in fighting the Nunist Threat

• A billion glillion zillion experimental military handheld 'energy shields' that look like, and are thus subsequently referred to as Halo Hunter/Jackal shields.
• A couple nukes, some grenades, a spare F-14 bought from some bored Bedouin guy hanging around outside an Israeli parking lot. And whatever NASA Orion inter-planetary space shuttles are available.

The second main contributor is the Sing Along N' Dance (Like Hell) All Black Gospel Praise Choir Church of whateverstreet Mississippi. They've contributed.

• Black stamina and the courage to get things done with an African twist.
• A bunch of Black Panther People who have nothing better to do. (Remember, these people got rid of JFK, so they have some SKILL!)
• Chef Boyardee Spaghetti O's for strength, courage, and some awesome shitting the day after.
• A billion 'patched up' school buses armed with rocket launchers on top (Like on the cover of that awesome N64 video game i always wanted to play when i was 7 but that my mommy wouldn't let me!!!).

• The American Neo-Nazi, White-power-skinhead political parties 'covert dispatch and special ops division'.

Their contributions are as follows.

• Many, many, many brave Pure Blooded Aryan men trained in the Chinese Martial Arts who've served as valiant low and mid level officers in the Jesant Army.
• Training for the common 'non-psychotic' army foot soldier at one of their inconspicuous looking secret training across he western seaboard.
• A myriad of extorted international support to help keep the army going strong and the Catholics out of the U.N.
• 52 Black Hawk Helicoptors, 5 Merkava III tanks, and an estimated 26,000 classic M16 and enhanced Ak-47 rifles along with a well counted 3 billion cartridges for the aforementioned 2 weapons.

[edit] Minor contributors who're worth or have paid for mentioning

• Pfizer and their PGRD Labs at the Groton/New London location sites for use in research on replicating the famed Sitok Automatic Rifles which are currently only used by the J'elite's on high-profile missions into dangerous spots.

• Intel for their contribution of spare circuitry that has been used, among other things. To update the navigation systems on 22 of the 52 Black Hawk Helicoptors and to add electronic tagging into the Ak-47 caches so that they may be traced and have greater accuracy when firing.

• Mc-Donald's, for subpar in-the-field food which really wasn't any good but at least gave you enough energy to keep-on-going.

• Various small-time drug and smuggling operations inside New York City which want to extend a message of "JACK BENNAWAY CAPTURED!. GO TO CORNER OF BROADMAN AND SOUTH FOR NEW CRACK LINKS" to all interested buyers.

[edit] Controversy

Recently controversy has arisen when the Neo-Nazi all white J'elite backup Crossops division attacked and severely wounded 500 student protestors in front of the White House on September 26th, 2007 for an undeclared reason. While this has caused Government sanctions and restrictions on the holy Church-Christ Army of Protest to increase as of late the Neo-Nazi White Power Skinhead Political Party has voiced public for the Jesant Army and is now (according to top-level sources within John Ashcroft's inner circle) conducting subversive activities within the United States in an on-going attempt to force President George W. Bush to relent and give the Jesant Army and its subsidiaries and associates free reign in dealing with the Catholic Threat.

Also, of smaller note was an incident in 1995 concerning the violent temporary 2-hour seizure of New York City that didn't make National News Headlines. During the operation five heavily armed gunmen supposedly supplied by a renegade J'elite invaded and took control of the Bronx Precinct 13. Causing 26 law enforcement casulties and managing to hold off government counter-infiltration until the very last moments when the siege fell apart under stress from Urban City Gangs who got pissed at the heavy looting and murdering that took place during that 2 hour time-span.

While the government voiced concerns over this groups 'alleged' activities John Ashcroft and our other high-level Allies squashed such activities and actually managed to sneak in some tweaks to current internet activity laws which have made this webpage on our group 100% legal!.

[edit] Organization

It's simple. Ranking goes like this, top is highest bottom is lowest. (Note: Since this is primarily a religious organization, du militaire nonetheless. Church Leaders are given irrational and unfair priorities over people with the actual skills needed to complete the various missions and jobs carried out by the Jesant Army)

UPPER TIER: Command/Sacred Circle:

• Fred Phelps and Sing Along N' Dance pastor Jane Smith as commanders N' chiefs.

 All of the male children of Fred Phelps and Jane Smith's assistant pastor Condoleeza Rice.

• John Ashcroft as Head of Committee to reduce and eliminate sexuality in the human race.

 The Inner Circle of John Ashcroft, on par with the 'religious and military'... 'generals'

• Don Black as head of all Neo-Nazi subsidiaries within the Jesant Army. Also negotiates temporary alliances with other movements when we share a common interest.

Generalized Leadership:

• All protestant pastors in times of crisis.
• J'elite head general **********.

  The Advisors of the J'elite head general.

• Footsoldier head general *** ***** ****!.

  The Advisors of the Footsoldier head general.

MIDDLE TIER: Generalized Leadership:

• Neo-Nazi Mid-level designated officers and ALL tacticians/computer nerds.
• Protestant Pastors out of times of Crisis.
• The current Grand Wizard in times of inter-movement collaboration.

Paramilitary:

• J'elite squad leaders.

  Individual J'elites.

• The autonomous Neo-Nazi all white J'elite backup Crossops division (these people mainly deal with coordinating attacks on Catholics 'of color')
• Any and all helicoptor/tank pilots-drivers.

LOWER TIER: Generalized Leadership:

• Neo-Nazi Low-level designated officers.
• Squad Leaders.

The Bulk Forces:

• Battle-willing Church members and non-psychotic FootSoldiers.
• Mental Insitution Derived maniacal, suicidal crazies.

Also, promotion can be gained by killing, raping, torturing, or burning any Catholic, Catholic Church, Liberal, etc. (Nun's are a +1500 points bonus)

[edit] Currently Known Human Assets

Numbers are currently undergoing War-Time Recounts. Will be posted as soon as possible.

[edit] EXPLOITS

[edit] Major Battles

[edit] Raid on Convent #171, Alpha Time

It was a dark and stormy night... *thunder booms*. And outside the convent a dozen special insertion troops of the newly formed Holy Christ-Church Army of Protest watched the sentries prowl. Guns at the ready, Blood soaked Crosses held close to breastless chests. And as the penguins drew close...

The captain of team bravo. A glorious man from the Black Panthers by the name of Muhammed Al-Majeen (He came from Arabia or something... i dunno, but who cares?). Gave the signal, "ALLAH!", and with a cry of "FOR THE JESUS!, FUCK THE WICKED APOCRYPHA!" we all burst forth. Ak-47's sputtering bullets and ripping delicious holes in the enemies bodies.

With them all dead, the alarm sounded on top of the convent an anti-aircraft gun began rising up out of the roof just like their corrupted portrayal of the resurrection of Jesus. "GODDAMIT!, JOHNSON!, GIMME A HUNTER SHIELD AND GRENADE NAO!", Muhammed screamed. Tossing him the items I watched as he donned his Holy Qu-ran two ply toilet tissue garb and charged the enemy fortifications. Cutting down those horrible penguins left and right as we concentrated all fire on the anti-aircraft gun on top of Hell.

It took an hour, and Muhammed died and went to Heaven (or so we think). But we killed every last shotgun wielding nun pussy and, jumping onto the extraction helicoptor. Proceeded immediately back to the rendezvous point at St.Protestes Lovable Church in Arkansas.

Little did we know, BIG TIME WAR WAS COMING MUTHAFUCKAS W00T!.

[edit] Pope's Revenge

After about 5 months of taking down every Hell in sight. And killing all the nuns and monks within (Don't worry, the Buddhist ones were spared they're cool and have these Glow Lamps) The Pope realized his religions primary source of footroops were dwindling.

And thus decided to create a distraction so that he could have all Nuns regroup in Las Vegas for a final attack on Boulder, Colorado. This distraction consisted of The Troubles, and that information can be found in that article.

A wary J'elite as he fights his way through the Satanically inhabited parts of a Nun controlled military outpost

Anyways, as the Popes chief general of God, Randall Flagg. Gathered his Nun's about him and charged a large group of WBC terrorists currently besieging a large 'Catholic Oriented' Megachurch. The blue virus was suddenly released and for the next 50 pages. Stephen King took over production of this movie.

Oh by the way, the Pope ended up getting his ass kicked and Ratzinger began his horrific rise to power, but he still made us lose A LOT of soldiers.

[edit] Pope's Revenge II, the Ratzinger Chronicles

On June 20th, 2007 Pope Ratzinger launched a heavy duty preliminary attack on key Protestant locations in central Europe. However, due to the threat of intervention by either the Jesant Army (US), or the Fascist Clerical Movement. The pope deployed two spare Rapid-Encounter-Kill-All (REKA) divisions. One of those... Assaulted the Westboro Baptist Church.

A high intensity moment viewed through J'elite helmet-cam as this brave preserver of THE REAL CHRIST battles his way through some of Ratzingers most elite Modern Swiss Guards to the big boss himself

Here is an eyewitness testimony to that horrible event...

• "So I was walking my dad, yeah?. And I'm coming near the WBC compound and what I expected to be the usual demonstrations of Micro-Nation military power including the annual launching of nukes at the White House. But instead what I see are, like, flames shooting up out of the roof of the Church itself and the main triple-mesh steel gate laying ajar in the middle of the road. Gunshots filled the air, and twin helicoptors were busy strafing down some unseen targets inside the inner compound. I would've called the police, but then I saw that the Solar Mirror anti-aircraft guns, designed by Tactical Genius Fred Phelps himself were destroyed.

And I knew... THIS battle was lost :-("

July 16th, 2007. Well, with the WBC and five other Jesant Army 'hotspots' in flames. And the sing along N' dance (like hell) all black gospel praise choir church currently under siege by some racist southern dumbass, half minded fuckwits. The only real man in charge left, John Ashcroft. Upon realizing that 90% of the Holy Army's grunt footsoldiers were deployed and still mopping up Nuns and Muslims in Cali'. Decided to risk it all and initiated Project J'elite #109, doomsday and commenced a remotely controlled assault (Fred Phelps survived, and was able to stop fucking Oscar Wilde long enough to aid in the attack) on The Vatican starting on July 17th and supposedly ongoing.

Although information is limited and due to United States government interference with the Catholic-Protestant war (At last!), most of the operatives have gone underground and for the next projected 50 years (until the U.S. becomes an UberSick Theocracy) the Jesant Army will release limited information. But have no fear... for current EXCITING battles are being released daily such as THIS.

[edit] Minor Battles

[edit] Current Engagements

[edit] M$ Betrayel UPDATED 6-6-08

ALERT 6-6-08: After detonating an atmospheric pressure Bomb at the Redmond Microsoft Headquarters, Bill Gates has taken away our Windoze Vista software licenses in retaliation. So... seeing as Intel fucks M$, and Intel makes our most important rifles... And without new rifles... and moar Vista... Fred Phelps and the Black Praise Choir Church Council has decided unanimously to stage an attack on the Pope.

Note: The below text in quotations is bush that Microsoft has betrayed us. WE WILL FIGHT BACK!.

"NEWS!. Microsoft HAS BETRAYED US!!!. Secret Jesus 1.5a falls through!. Rockets launched from Bill Gate's estate, emergency J'elite response unit DECIMATED!. We're out of ammo!.... NO!. Shit our navigations computers are running Windows Vista.... 50 Blue Screen Of Death.. everything is fried!, we're gonna DIE LOLS!."

-On Le 15th de Novembre (This message Sponsored by France) Microsoft betrayed us and launched a couple dozen medium-impact UV missiles spaced at 12 second intervals with intermittent military remote controlled solar Airplane that lasted from approximately 5:00 A.M. to 5:05 A.M. The damage was heavy and the local fire department (Millstone, powering people 24/7!) had to be killed before they saw the evidence. At 6:33:21:02:85:36 A.M. fifteen J'elites were dispatched via Suborbital-Spaceplane from New York City to Hitler residence in Oregon. Sadly, none of them made it out alive and the Space Plane got captured by The Microsofties as it had little to no fuel. We (Sponsored by France) have PLEDGED to fight this TRAVESTY with every 'freed' psychopath in the immediate vicinity so long as our grasp in this area remains.... (France luvs U!|1984]]

[edit] African Recruitment (Sponsored by Kenya "WE HATE NIGER!"

On October 21st a joint task force composed of units from the Schweinhunde (Not Sponsoredby Kenya... they hate us...) National Socialist party and the Sing Along N' Dance All Black Gospel Church of Mississippi (Partially Sponsored by Kenya, they're a bit wacko...) met a horrible fate as Nigerian Missionaries (We don't give a damn. They're GHEY!!), backed by the One Laptop Per Child overwhelmed them in Niger's somewhat shitty Primary City. We have subsequently Euro bombed Nigeria to the ground and have cut off the last of Ratzingers Nephews Testicles as vengeance. Ratzinger got pissed... but Vatican city is too enmeshed in the Italian Mafia to do anything about it...

[edit] Washington D.C. Alien Landing (Sponsored by NSA, EOS2321, and THX1138)

This news piece has been censored for your own safety]] (SEE THX1138 REMASTERED NOW IT IS GOOD!).

[edit] Doomsaday 5

(Subway... healthy food choices... whoring off licensed cartoon-characters daily) TOTALS FOR MONTH OF OCTOBER. OUR LOSSES:

• 500 Nazi (Shitheads...Subway no-like Nazis, diversity for mon3y we $upport!. Sorry w3 apoloiz3! we r Bolingo and can't blacklish...)
• 20 J'elites... died bravely.
• 80 PSYCHOPATHS..
• A couple Priests...
• 500 grunt WBC volunteers

THEIR LOSSES: MORE THGAN US WOOOO0T!