Their Eyes Were Watching God

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Oprah says, "I hate men."

Their Eyes Were Watching God is a novel written by Zora Neale Hurston, a relatively unknown author until Oprah Winfrey took a trip to hell and pulled the book out of the devil's ass. Oprah immediately discarded her Bible and proclaimed this "...inspiring work of beautiful Southern literature..." as her new holy book, because it was about a black feminist woman, so it MUST be good, right? The novel follows the tale of Janie Crawford, quite possibly the bitchiest girl this side of Mars.

[edit] COLLOQUIALISM

Zora Neale Hurston apparently felt the need to restrict the book solely to black audiences. Since the characters use such heavy Southern black accents, the one way a white person successfully understand the book is if he reads it out loud. A classic example of the clearly perfect language utilized by Zora Neale Hurston:

"Wut'choo tahkin 'bout, nigga? Ah do' wanna feed no mo' chillun wid mah suga tits! Dey's mah suga tits!"

[edit] PLOT SYNOPSIS

"What?! You mean you WON'T cut my p'taters, woman???!!!

The book starts with Janie, 16 years old, under a pear tree watching a bee have sex with a flower. "So dat's wut luv iz!" thought Janie. She then strips down and does it with a passerby. Her fire-breathing demon of a grandmother (who was raped by a white slavemaster) catches Janie attending Hooker 101 and reminds Janie that men are the mindless spawn of satan, interested only in raping things (women, girls, small children, large children, furry animals, hairless animals, a log that resembles a member of the opposite sex, or the 'Pleasure Hole' built into the XBox 360, and if none of the above is present, possibly other men of varying shapes and sizes). So Janie's Nanny hooks her up with a 67 year old fart that owns a farm. Nanny does not wish Janie to repeat her mistakes. Nanny was raped by her white slavemaster. Then her daughter was raped by a white schoolteacher. So, obviously, it's only a matter of time before Janie gets raped by a white policeman or white janitor or white Tiger Woods. Thusly, due to the apparent willingness of the Crawford women to be raped by white men, Janie's child will most likely be one sixteenth black; therefore, Janie will give birth to a wigger. Janie flips her lid when her husband asks her to "cut sum p'taters" (cut some potatoes) and she runs away with a rich educated black man (clearly, this book is pure fiction). They go to some run down crap-hole of a town and build it into a run down crap-hole of a town with a slightly larger population than what it started with. After twenty years of marriage to 'Martin Luther King Jr', he gives her a good slap when she burns his dinner for the umpteenth time. After she 'realizes' that this man doesn't love her because he didn't smother her with affection every time she bitched about something; she runs off with some twenty year old Prince Charming (Tea Cake) from Ethiopia. Now, according to the book, Janie finds 'true love'. In reality, she is a poor sex slave living in Florida picking cucumbers for a living. A hurricane comes along and forces Tea Cake and Janie to run. While they're running away, Janie climbs onto a cow to escape the floodwaters and nearly gets raped by a white dog. Tea Cake shanks the dog with his switchblade and catches rabies in the process. Then he goes crazy, whips out his gun and tries to kill Janie. She picks up a rifle and blows Tea Cake's head off. The End

[edit] MORALS

This book may be slightly more geared towards the female half of the population than the male half. The life lessons this book teaches are as follows...

Women:

jump at any chance to marry any guy, just so long as you truly 'love' him
if he doesn't give you what you want once, he doesn't love you and you should:

run off with another man
poison him
blow his head off
convince to huff kittens using the plastic tube aproach

if you wait long enough, you can be that bee having sex with the pear tree flower mentioned at the beginning of the novel
all men are evil, ESPECIALLY white men

Men:

shame on you for being the most perverted, sex-driven devils ever to walk the earth

[edit] CHARACTERS

Janie Crawford - Bitch 'nuff said
Logan Killicks - old first husband that asked Janie to help him with chores
Joe Starks - rich educated black man, mayor of Crap-Hole
Tea Cake - Janie's 'true love' that she shoots
Nanny - got raped
Nanny's daughter/Janie's Mother - also got raped
Janie's non-existant Aunt - if she existed, she would have gotten raped too

[edit] USES OF THIS BOOK

Currently, the most popular usage of this book is to torture high school males. This book is teaching young minds proper language and grammar by use of its unique grammar style (see: Colloquialism). More popular uses among male students include