Einstein's Theory of Relativity

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The theory of relativity (by some called Relativism) was proposed in a joint paper by Albert Einstein and Jacques Lacan who said that a body at rest (i.e. a person who falls asleep while watching television between shows, i.e. a commercial observer) travels briefly through what is known as a Bumhole, where they switch bodies with and then has a greek orgy with each of their past, current and future family relatives. The theory of relativity can also explain how Albert, hated school and is referring to how everthing is relative to jack-fucking-shit. The time during which such an event occurs is (see Hammertime). There are exceptions to the theory, for instance, a body at rest will not move into (but will still have sexual relations with) relative bodies if the commercial observer consumes a cup of Maxwell House decaffinated coffee hours before falling asleep (see Maxwell equations). In the 1924 ground breaking discovery, first lady Eleanor Roosevelt, then a young pregant professoinal dancer, and her son who still happened to be in her womb at the time, both awoke while still trapped in each other's bodies. World leading physicists gathered in Copenhagen for an outdoor cookout sponsored by a maker of processed condiments, to debate the subject over beer and burgers. Three long days of intense discussion ensued. Among the many attendants, Maxwell Plank, Einstien and his brother Niels Bohr. The debates concluded that it could not be determined for certain whether Mrs. Roosevelt became her own mother or her son's daughter, since theoretically she was both depending on one's frame of reference. This paradox forever became known as the Heinz Burgers Uncertainty Principle which baffles physicists even today because it was actually Kraft who sponsored the picnic.^[1] Nonetheless, the occasion provided the practical evidence needed to prove Einstein's theory, and thus cementing his place in history.

It is imparitive to note that anyone worth his or her salt must possess the knowledge and widsom to mask their ignorance of basic science by being able to generate a fairly formidable amount of filler text which can contribute to the phony facade of credibility of any such article as this. Therefore, by Einstien's Law of Redundancy, given two identical moving body twin doubles, given by the equation:

where the stuff on one side of the is one of the moving bodies and the stuff on the other side of the is the other moving body, where each body belongs to the same pair of bodies and are both in all manner equally the same as one another, or conversely, given a one single body that has a twin and then another body that has a twin, where each body's twin is the other body (forming a pair of body twin doubles which contains two indentical bodies both equal to each other and having the same sameness), theoretically, if one of the bodies does not undergo Relativity (a process called not undergoing Relativity, spelled "undergo" by droping the "ing"), and the other body does undergo Relativity, then from a fixed vantage point in space, the body undergoing Relativity is an equal identical double in every respect to the body which is not undergoing Relativity, with the important caveat being that there is a fundamental exception, namely, the rule-of-thumb being, is or be's, that there is a single difference between the pair of two body twin doubles because of one of four possible motivating causing reasons:

• the body that has undergone Relativity has underwent Relativity
• the process of Relativity has acted on the body that underwent Relativity
• the body that has undergone Relativity undergoes Relativity in the past tense
• the body belongs to your mama, in which case her fat ass broke or got stuck in Relativity

This is strikingly unlike the body which did not undergo Relativity, however. One of the results of Einstien's law is that in order for them both to be alike they can have no differences between them, and so they must both undergo Relativity, as opposed to just one of them and not the other. If one paid careful attention, one might have keenly noted that the body that underwent Relativity underwent Relativity. The truth of this statement was rigously scrutinized, tested then verified in a set of extensive field experiments by Captain Obvious, where he found it to be true only if the word rigously precedes scrutinized, not the other way around, only when his name appears in it, and only when it ends with yo-ho-ho. "Otherwise, the statement is questionable at best". He never got around to testing Einstien's law, proclaiming it to be "another unprovable side effect of the bizzar world of quantum physics".

A very smart man once said that this theory is "probably the most accurate model of physics ever put forth". As such, it was one of the most important discoveries in history, paving the way for the temporal paradox, the engine which powers the Time machine used by Professor Marty McFly in his famous time travel documentary Foward to the past. As the theory grew more popular, it became apparent that the people were having problems grasping the full nature of the principles involved. Thus the General Theory was created as "a primer for noobs" who wanted to learn about the new science but didn't have patience for the details, and the Specific Theory (also known as Theory of Relativity: Extended Edition) for those who wanted to know more.

Contents 1 Theory of Relativity 2 E = MC2 3 Correlates 4 Simply Put 5 The Theory behind The Theory 6 The Theory Itself 7 History of the Theory 8 Time Dilation Theory 9 Specific Relativity 10 Applications of Relativity 11 As used in hyperspace travel 12 As relative of itself 13 Criticism 14 Relativity In Literature 15 References

[edit] Theory of Relativity

Albert Einstein's 1905 rant "On the Electrodynamics of Moving Bodies" introduced the wild guess of relativity. Einstein's marketing agent (also, a closet Jew), suggested there may be some difficulty marketing "wild guess of relativity", and we're left today fortunately with the result -- "the principle of relativity". While this principle was not new to Einstein's work, he found that putting a fork in the microwave may have looked fun, yet in the long run just ended up breaking it. The experiment was new, in it's focus on placing various other objects in a microwave and seeing what happened. He found that the same power needed to spark a fork in the lab was equal to that required in a kitchen to be the same as that required to blow up a kitten, or melt a hydrated rose, regardless of their rotation or the motion of the body of food, flowers or fauna. Raindrops on roses and radiation on kittens were just a few of his favorite things.

The Major discoveries of the experiment were:

• The speed of light in a microwave is constant, (specifically, 299,792,458 meters per second) this is irrelevant BUT, is placed conveniently in the metric system.
• The laws of physics are the same in any inertial act of amusement. This means that the laws of physics observed by a hypothetical observer traveling with a relativistic particle must be the same as those observed by an observer who is stationary in the kitchen, watching the poor bugger in the microwave. In other words: everyone finds exploding kittens amusing no matter how retarded they might be, theoretically. (Einstein's agent again suggested he change the "retarded theory of relativity" to "special theory of relativity".)
• Time is irrelevant.
• Tim is also irrelevant. - Tim's x-wife (Sept 25th, 2006 EST)

[edit] E = MC²

Einstein's final piece of the puzzle was to formulate an equation he could tack on for idiots everywhere to use when they wanted to sound smart. That is the famous "E = MC²" business. No one actually knows what this means, and it is one of Einstein's greatest jokes on mankind. With the rise of feminism, women are also free to quote this equation in business meetings without having a clue. Equality is good for science, and progress.

This "equation" was proven to be false in the late 16th century by a peasant named William Dodd. He concluded (with much a much more convincing style of wording) that as Einstein was yet to be born--he himself already being aged 19, was his elder and thus superior of knowledge (see also: Because I says so principle). When interviewed by channel 7 news, Mr. Dodd denied the 14 allegations of sexual assault the hot, large breasted interviewer accused him of, but did comment on Einstein's rambling being entirely fictional.

“The Einstein's greatest trick was convincing the world he didn't exist.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Einstein's Theories

[edit] Correlates

One of the strengths of such an enjoyable display is that, if the microwave is not your own, it's so much more amusing (although Einstein did not derive it this way). For proof, see the back of any tv dinner in which the instructions are translated from another language (e.g. "warning, this product may become hot when heated").

[edit] Simply Put

While it may seem like reading this article has taken approximately an hour, it has really only been about twelve seconds. That, dear readers, is relativity.

[edit] The Theory behind The Theory

Albert Einstein was an exceptional scientist with a particularly logical mind. One day, after a fight with Stephen Hawking he was forced to take the train home, as Hawking had trashed his hovercar. He was bored, and being a scientist he calculated the speed of the train. It was roughly 200mph. It was at this point he realised that if he was on a train travelling at 200mph an hour towards Bristol, that it was conceivable Bristol might be travelling at 200mph towards him. This would mean he would crash into Bristol at a combined speed of 400mph and a force exceeding 100,000,000 N. It also occurred to him that if Bristol were to hit him at that speed, he would die. Therefore he decided to create a Universal law to prevent this kind of thing happening. He decided that if everything was relative to something else, then only smaller, more sensible, train shaped objects could travel at ridiculous speeds.

[edit] The Theory Itself

Einstein's Theory of Relativity states:

“If an object is travelling at a given speed in a given direction, and particually if the object concerned is travelling at me, or if I am travelling at an object, especially if either the object or myself is travelling at a speed likely to cause injury to me, then only the object, and not the object and the destination, or target, will move, and it will slow down slightly.”

~ Albert Einstein

Einstein calculated the maximum safe speed for any given object to be a constant, which he called c. He then calculated the energy an object would have if it was travelling at speed c. This is 0.5mc^2 (also known as the Hammer Constant). He then doubled this to take into account the other object travelling towards him, this gave mc^2. This value he called E, or "Einstein's Energy". This gives rise to the famous equation

E = mc^2

[edit] History of the Theory

At first the theory was unpopular. Many dismissed the idea are "cowardly" or "plain stupid". It is only recently, with the invention of the Dodge Vyper and other particually large cars that the theory has become of utmost importance for the protection of small children and other roadkill.

“Not only is the Theory the product of a cowardly and unscientific mind, it interfers with the AA route planner”

~ Isaac Newton

“If a man and an ape are heading towards each other at 200mph, but due to relativity they slow down and do not die then survival of the fitest has not occured. Hence evolution will not occur. I thus conclude that Albert Einstein is God, and does not exist”

~ Charles Darwin

Unfortunately there are still "naysayers" of the theory. Mainly, Bill Gates:

“This theory is so stupid that even Norton Antivirus could remove it....OHHHHHH BURN!!!”

~ Bill Gates

[edit] Time Dilation Theory

However, the theory did not end here. Whilst on another train, Albert Einstein realised that if a third party were to watch two objects heading towards each other at speeds he considered unsafe, then relativity would not in fact come into action, as both objects would be heading for the third person, and relativity would be acting on him, and not on Einstein. Panicking, in case he was about to collide into Bristol whilst someone watched, Einstein scribbled down another theory on a napkin.

“If two objects are heading towards each other at great velocity, relativity will not be occurring from the prospective of a third party. Hence, particually if I am on one of the objects, and so things make more sense, time will slow down so I can escape the impending collision”

~ Albert Einstein

However, realising this theory was confusing, particually to any fourth party involved, he decided to say this would only occur noticeably at speeds close to light speed. Light speed was a term he invented merely to distract the general public from his cowardice and irresponsible creation of physical laws.

Time Dilation also become useful in his later years so he could run out and fetch doughnuts in between catching trains to Bristol.

[edit] Specific Relativity

Often the terms Theory of Relativity and Theory of Specific Relativity are interchanged. However, despite similarities this is incorrect. Specific relativity is a rare occurrence for when regular relativity fails to prevent damage to Einstein. It allows him to move slightly to the left, thus avoiding any number of fast moving objects, which may or may not be Bristol.

[edit] Applications of Relativity

To date there is an almost infinite number of uses for Einstein's theories, but here's a short list of the most common:

• The preservation of Albert Einstein
• The confusion of physics undergraduates so they do not have time to go out, get girlfriends, have children and repopulate the Earth with large numbers of spotty superintelligent beings
• Preventing particle accelerators from actually working, because if they did, large parts of the planet would instantly vaporise
• Ensuring anyone using AA route planner will never reach their intended destination
• Slowing down light so it doesn't hurt when it hits people
• Speeding up words so they can travel down phones

[edit] As used in hyperspace travel

Einstein's relativity theory is one of the chief components of most Hyperspace (a.k.a. Hammertime) ship systems, as seen in Star Trek and Star Wars. Their formulation was based on the fact that everything can only be seen relative to everything else, and that everything is really moving at a fantastic speed in every possible direction at every possible time. For instance at this moment you at this moment are spinning around the world, which is spinning round the sun, which is spinning round the galaxy, which is itself spinning round the universe. - thus all you have to do is stop, and you will have travelled an enormous distance - this is the principle at the heart of hyperspace travel.

This is similar to the use of the bumhole.

[edit] As relative of itself

The theory of how something can be like something else, but not quite. The theory states that observers can see the same event differently depending on how far they are away from the server. The theory itself is relatively complex. It can only be explain in terms relative to itself. So to adequately understand relativity you have talk like a Bel Air Blonde who just graduated from a Junior College. Like that's like relative, right?

[edit] Criticism

Religious groups have said that if Relativity is true, then God can't hear our prayers until they reach Him at the speed of light. This has spawned the development of an alternative "theory" known as Intelligent falling

[edit] Relativity In Literature

There was once a small man. He wasn’t terribly small like say, a hobbit, but still pretty small. He was small in a relative sense. The small man lived in a small house. Now don’t get the idea that his house was the same size as him. The house was much larger than the small man. It was only relatively small (when compared to the neighbouring houses). The small man was not poor. In fact, he was quite wealthy. Not as wealthy as say, Bill Gates, but still far from poor. He was rich in a relative sense of the word. Now, the relatively small man living in his relatively small house with his relatively large fortune awoke on one relatively nice day (not perfect, but better than yesterday) to discover that he had a big problem. Not a big problem as in the Holocaust, or Hiroshima, a relatively big problem. He was not alone. Admittedly, that is normally not a problem. A good many of us go through life in the company of others. As human beings we require this contact with other members of our species to remain sane. The issue was that what the relatively small man found within his relatively small home was most certainly not a member of said species. Nope. His visitor consisted of slightly different DNA. His visitor was a troll. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but I am telling the truth. There really was a troll eating pancakes in the relatively nice kitchen within the relatively small man’s relatively small house.

So, anyways, the relatively small man and the relatively small troll stared at each other for a moment before getting into a fight about who the relatively small house and the relatively small fortune belonged to. The man claimed that he had spent many years earning the relatively large fortune and had used it to purchase the relatively small house. The troll claimed that “urrrk urrrk URRRK urk!!!” It was a spectacular fight. That’s not to say that it was anything along the lines of the legendary Super Smash Bros. showdown between “AAA” and Jesus (Jesus won), it was relatively spectacular when placed in comparison with something decidedly unspectacular.

Case in point: The ending of this article.

[edit] References