Thetans
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[edit] The wonder of Thetans
Thetans are without time or space, the very ‘souls’ of our beings (though ‘soul’ would be a gross oversimplification, which is not at all Scientology style). Thetans exist on the life force, Tetanus. To some people this sounds familiar to the disease obtained by wounds from rusty objects or dog bites. This however, is far from the truth. When a non-Scientologist (who therefore is not in unison with it’s inner Thetan) gets bitten by a dog, or hurt by a rusty nail, a raw flow of life force is accessed, which enhances the uncontrolled Thetan to a higher state (more commonly referred to as an orgasm). One not ready for such an experience may suffer greatly from it. Thus has the experience been described as a disease.
When a person dies – or, in Scientology terms, when a Thetan abandons its physical body – they go to a landing station on the planet Venus, where the Thetan is re-implanted and told lies about it's past life and it's next life. The Venusians take the Thetan, capsule it, and send it back to Earth to be dumped into the ocean off the coast of California. According to the founder of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard, "If you can get out of that, and through that, and wander around through the cities and find some girl who looks like she is going to get married or have a baby or something like that, you're all set. And if you can find the maternity ward to a hospital or something, you're OK. And you eventually just pick up a baby. To avoid these inconveniences, Hubbard advised Scientologists to refuse to go to Venus after their death, but rather to Uranus. (leave my anus out of it I've already had Tom Cruise probing me looking for a place to hide his thetan).
Thetan's however do not inhabit the bodies of the Romany as their souls were on Earth inhabiting dinosaurs and other life long before Xenu turned up to have his 3rd annual texas-style thetan barbecue and barn dance.
[edit] (Famous) people on Thetans
“My Thetan get’s raw Tetanus all the time!”
~ Oscar Wilde on aroused Thetans
“My Thetans more 1337 than urs!!!111”
~ Highly regarded Scientologist on Thetans
“I used to be a Thetan. Then it got kinda boring. I went on as a Saiyan from that point.”
~ Goku on Thetans
“I pity the fools!”
~ Mr. T on Thetans
“Impossible!”
~ Doctor Who on Thetans
“May the Tetanus be with you.”
~ Misguided Star Wars geek on Thetans
“His Thetans level! It's over NINE-THOUSAND!”
~ Vegeta on Thetans
“We grow them ourselves on a Friday night when he (Ra) gets me wasted”
~ Hathor on Thetans
[edit] Training your Thetan
This simple guide is intended for those who wish to get more out of their inner Thetan. When all the instructions are followed exactly, you will know the exhileration of being a double fraud (being a fake Scientologist).
[edit] 1. Measuring your Thetan
To know when you’ve raised levels or gained experience (for more on this, refer to “Pokémon”) you need your very own OT (Obnoxious Thetan) meter. The higher your OT level, the more people are aware of your awesome achievements within the Church of Scientology.
To accomplish this you need the following:
- Random digits blurting device at a low price (large desktop calculators, $5 LCD games, Tamagotchi’s, bodyweight- or temperaturemeters)
- Coloured markers
- Cardboard
- Scissors
- Glue
First make sure the device you are using is reasonable broken, without losing it’s ability to blurt random numbers or shapes. After that has been accomplished, start cutting funny shapes out of the cardboard with you scissors. Colour these in fancy colours, then glue it to the device.
Congratulations!
You will now forever be able to check your OT levels with your very own (nearly indistinguishable from the real thing) OT meter!
“How could they’ve known? That is highly classified information! I feel a lawsuit coming up!”
~ L. Ron Hubbard on cheap-ass OT meters
[edit] 2. Gaining OT levels
Gathering OT levels is not always an easy task. For the first few levels, telling people how great it is to be aware of your inner Thetan should suffice to satisfy the “O” part in OT. To get in touch with your Thetan, however, you need to meditate. This is best done on music by the popular intergalactic band The Thetans (produced by L. Ron himself). This music is obtained through buying their albums on eBay. You however, are a fake Scientologist because you do not follow $10,000 audits, so downloading it from the internet will be good enough.
At higher levels you will need to get more in contact with your inner self (try consulting a psychiatrist) and tap into the flow of Tetanus. For those desperate in becoming a succesfull Scientologist, headbutting rusty nails is advised.
“I used to be a Thetan Warlock lvl. 51, but then my account expired because I didn’t want to pay anymore. Now they depleted my mana and cash reserves, and I am left with nothing but this bottle...”
~ Homeless Drunk on OT levels
“I pay donations for special super items which make my OT superior to everbody’s!”
~ Tom Cruise on OT levels
“This sucks even more than Microsoft!”
~ Linux user on OT levels
“Yeah. I was like at lvl. 32 this one time, and then I forgot to save. So I called the SS (Scientology Supportcenter) to help me. They said I had to go through another audit program to regain status, which of course was ridiculously expensive. HA! No way I’m gonna pay loads of money for a crappy program. Seriously, who does that anyway?”
~ Bill Gates on OT levels
| This article forms part of the series on Scientology | |
| Beliefs | Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Dianetics ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse | |
| Concepts | AT Field ~ Objectivism ~ The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth) | |
| Practices | Kitten Huffing ~ ITASTWD | |
| People | Tom Cruise ~ Katie Holmes ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ John Travolta ~ Beck ~ Superman ~ Chef ~ Will Smith | |
| Enemies | You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley | |
