Things the government doesn't want you to know

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FNORD! This article is too close to the TRUTH! Citizens should begin to feel uneasy now, otherwise report for therapy. See more about Fnord.

[edit] Governments in general

Under certain conditions, huffing the orange kitten will give you random super powers.

• A selection of real life cheat codes exists.
• The truth is out there.
• Voting results are determined by mind control devices. Bush re-elected in `04? Think about it.
• The crime rate in an anarchy is zero.
• Guns do kill people.

No they don't, rappers do.

Screw y'all, it's video games that make DEATH.

It's just the government making room.

None of those kill people; careless drivers with cell phones do.

None of those, morons. Flu jabs are ACTUALLY concentrated HN51. Why else would old people die?

Guns don't kill people, husbands who come early kill people.

Those bodies were there when I came home.

My evil alter ego killed them all!!

Nevermind, that was just a dream. It was you who caused all the deaths. Now, i am coming for you to get revenge.

• Humans did not evolve from monkeys, but rather from SPAM.
• Yes, technically you're a cannibal.
• Sometimes, the government lies.
• Elvis is alive and well in Utah.
• Elvis is now a Mormon.
• Ghengis Khan is now in control of much of Asia and Eastern Europe.
• America is, in fact, on the moon(think about it, have you ever been there?).
• Dinosaurs aren't extinct, they're just hiding.
• The "Moon Landing" was not in a studio, but in fact in your mom's vagina- in and of itself a dry, barren, airless wasteland

[edit] United States government

In the distant future, President Bush will in fact become a zombie.

• Former president Bill Clinton wore Hillary Clinton's pink shirt and black suit in public on more than one occassion.
• Ann Coulter wears a size 14 man's shoe
• You are being anal probed by aliens AND Airport Security. Damn Perverts!
• Since aliens are GREAT at anal probing people, the Dept. of Homeland Security has hired them to be the security guys that get to anal probe YOU and ME. Damn Perverts!
• Shaft was based upon War and Peace.
• Black people have feelings, too.
• The United States actually lost in The Revolutionary War.
• Income tax rates will be raised to 80% in 2008.
• The President makes all his decisions using a Magic 8-Ball. This is less scary than if he made decisions on his own.
• The Surgeon General determined that being patriotic can be hazardous to your health.
• Oprah Winfrey has been captured, and news of her capture will not be publicly revealed until prior to the next election.
• Soup kitchens do reduce the number of starving homeless on the streets.
• Due to a loophole, slavery is legal in states that didn't exist in 1865.
• Donating half your money to Congress does not get you into Heaven when you die, despite their advertisement claiming such.

Everyone hates South Carolina.

• One of the former Presidents was a frog. But which one? Figure it out.
• God adamantly refuses to bless the USA.
• Everyone who wrote the Constitution was stoned, drunk, or both at the time.
• Freedom fries have little to do with freedom.
• It's the Air Force that fights in the sea and the Navy that fights in the air, not the other way around.
• The Supreme Court is the same thing as a regular court, except that it has tomatoes and sour cream.
• Whoever buys the most flags does not win.
• In order to pay off the National Debt, the United States sold New York to Russia.
• Mount Rushmore is a natural formation.

During his first term in office, Bill Clinton traveled the world competeing in international soccer matches around the globe.

• As part of the treaty that the US signed when withdrawing from the Vietnam War, the First Lady is required to pose naked in the February issue of a popular Vietnamese porn magazine.
• The United States lost the Civil War.
• A federal law has been passed that makes it illegal to work for the government.
• Thunderstorms are actually Space Navy battles.
• A German scientist invented a cure for cancer, but refuses to give it to the United States for as long as he dislikes the President.
• The "illegal immigrants problem" was made up to make you think that anyone would want to enter this shithole of a country.
• The quantity of wood that a woodchuck could chuck has long been known, but the CIA covers it up.
• Video games did not cause 9/11.
• The real spellings of color and center are colour and centre.
• George W. Bush's favourite book is Brave New World, and he is actually a Cylon.
• MLK killed JFK over some dispute over T-shirt sales.
• The pope is animatronic.
• It's safer to drive on the left side of the road.
• The Department of Homeland Security basically ignores the IWETHEY Liberal Terrorist group, because their smear websites and vandalism actually destroy the left wing political credibility that most Liberal Terrorists have, and this is what helped elect George W. Bush into office twice.

i got money money i got i get it

[edit] Canadian government

The now former Canadian flag never actually existed.

• Canada was never granted its independence from the United Kingdom, people just got bored of singing "God Save The Queen".
• Canadians aren't really nicer than Americans, but they are better actors.
• Canada is planning a campaign of world domination.
• Canada's national symbol — the beaver — is only depicted as an animal in countries with strict pornography laws.
• That while the Canadian public are aware of the Canadian military, the government lost track of them shortly after the War of 1812.
• Canada's free public health care system is as good as America's private one, but neither is allowed to admit it under a mutual non-disclosure agreement.
• Canada exports billions of gallons of beer to the US each year, so it can be diluted to produce American beer.
• Pierre Trudeau's wife really was a dirty slut groupie of The Rolling Stones.
• Actually, the "illegal immigrants" who "steal high-paying American jobs"...are Canadians! (Mike Myers, Peter Jennings, William Shatner,etc,etc)
• there is a 11th province called "Gertie"

[edit] United Kingdom government

Halliburton is actually owned by Great Britain in their plan to reestablish the British Empire.

• The book 1984 was non-fiction.
• Wales is part of the UK.
• The United League of Horses has sued Tony Blair's face for patent infringement.
• The government elaborately covered up the Chunnel Collapse of 1996.
• A poll of United Nations members found that Mediocre Britain is the UK's most popular territory.
• Due to budget setbacks, Buckingham Palace was replaced with a giant cardboard cutout.
• A lift is really an elevator.
• Sometimes, at night, Stonehenge and Big Ben get drunk and have barfights over who tells time more accurately.
• A clone of Margaret Thatcher is held in cryonic suspension within a pentacle of weird-power in an unused Whitehall wine-cellar and utters heinous prophesies to faceless Civil Servants amid blasphemous Satanic rituals.
• The Royal Family are 3ft alien Reptiliform creatures from a different dimension.
• John Prescott loves having dairy products hurled at him. Go on give it a try.
• The Spice Girls were a successful attempt by the British Government to lower our standards to gutter levels.

[edit] Australian government

Emos ARE the other white meat.

• John Howard is not a tall man. When he talks about 'small government', he is referring to his height.
• Sometimes, the New Zealanders beat us at sports.
• The capital of Queensland is not Brisbane, it's Nairobi.
• Tony Abbott is an experimental android made entirely from grease.
• Canberra is an incredibly exciting town, which merely pretends to be dull to discourage outsiders.
• The Treasury has been subsidising subsidies in an attempt to create 'recursive economics'.
• David Williamson is seriously overrated.
• Slim Dusty was an unspeakably powerful Country Music God from a higher planer of existence.
• Tasmania is not really a state; in fact it is not really part of Australia at all and is just hanging around to seem cool by proxy..... It's not working.
• John Howard's eyebrows are the result of an Ashley and Martin hair-regrowth treatment gone horribly wrong.
• This page has been modified by the New Zealand government, to crush the morale of Australian Citizens.

[edit] French government

• God is known to speak other languages than French. Satan, however, only speaks in French.
• The tricolor actually has only two colours because white is not a colour, it is just a blank space.
• Jacques Chirac is very bad at imitating Charles de Gaulle.
• French fries were originally invented in Belgium.
• Becoming member of the Academie Francaise does not really make a person immortal.
• Napoleon is not dead, he is just on a long holiday.
• The Eiffel Tower was built by aliens.
• The French are actually almost as anti-semitic as the Germans.
• I get money money i got

[edit] Chinese government

• Everything.
• Chairman Mao was ACTUALLY Chairwoman Mandy.

[edit] The Irish Government

• Alcohol does NOT make you more attractive
• Alcohol does NOT make you more cool
• Alcohol does NOT make you live longer
• The tax on alcohol DOES cancel out the social welfare budget