This Guy Named Ted
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Ted, also known as The Marker-Wielding Maniac, (1337-8675309 AD) was a highly influential and famous musician, most noted for his work with the band The Potato Shoes. Ted had a pet monkey who often wore trousers shaped like those of your mom. Although sometimes regarded as the very father of stupidity, Ted has been known to eat penguin meat.
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[edit] Early life
[edit] The beginning
Born sometime in the 6 billionth century, Ted had three feet, eleven oranges, sixteen pieces of celery, and twelve tentacles. He was revered and given seven spatulas to honor his total lack of logic. On his fifteen birthday, Ted fell off the top of his school and was forever scarred on his face.
Once Ted escaped his horrible half-mother's and half-father's house of evil and Oprah re-runs, he joined a circus where he ate haggis for a living. He met his future wife, Mr. T during this time. They had a large wedding on a hilltop that was notable for being the first time Richard Simmons appeared in public since he slapped Tom Cruise in the face. Tom did not appear at the wedding, but only because he smelt really really bad, and couldn't find the shower because his eyes had recently been eaten by giant maggots.
Continuing in his mother's footsteps, Ted would shove a bottle of ketchup up his nose and squeeze it several times. He found that he could win bar bets by doing so and the money he earned helped him get through college.
[edit] Life in a circus
Circus life did not agree with Ted; in fact, he detested it and would have most likely quit were it not for the encouraging words of his late father, Sir Issac Newton: lol interweb r' teh rockin!!!oneoneoneelventyoneoneon!!1 i haxczorzized joo, ted phear me!!11oneone. With these words, Ted kept going until he had enough money to buy a small cottage on the outskirts of his hometown.
[edit] After the circus
Ted left the circus when he discovered he had an amazing talent for squeezing oranges in people's eyes for fun and profit. Many rich people paid him to do so. It's unknown as to why they did, but the most commonly help belief is that because George W. Bush said so. Craig Ferguson is notable for having claimed that Ted is his son, although this has not been proven.
[edit] Foundation of AOL
Oftentimes, Ted found himself wondering if his life was insignificant and no one would remember him after he died. To counteract these negative thoughts, he decided to build a device the likes of which no one had ever seen. He took the blood of a goat, eye of a newt, foot of a beaver and tongue of a rabid dog. Combining them all in a vat of radioactive sludge taken from the very bowels of the underworld, he created what today is known as AOL. Soon after, he acknowledged that it was the single most awful thing to ever be invented and destroyed it by throwing it in a pit of lukewarm milk, with fire, lots and lots of blue fire.
[edit] The "Golden Years" and beyond
Ted rose to power sometime late in the middle ages. After overthrowing the Roman empire, he quickly became one of the world's foremost celebrities for his role in Rocky Fifteen and Three-Quarters, in which he played the lovable but incredibly ugly Sir Elgintonwhinchesterwilliamsonphishpail IIV. His career slowly began to go downhill after a scandal involving Mr. T's child, Chuck Norris. Mr. T claimed that Ted had thrown a peanut at Chuck and the poor child had been terribly upset blamed Ted for Chuck's anger at the world. Ted denied these claims, although DNA evidence proved that the peanut had in fact been in his possession for several thousand years.
[edit] After his fall
Ted, unlike his sister, did not handle his fall from stardom gracefully. Instead, he was arrested sixteen times for running naked through the streets screaming The bologna is coming! Everyone run! and stabbing random people in the face. He was found un-innocently guilty in a court of coleslaw and released from prison soon after.
