This Week's Horoscopes

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Welcome to this week's horoscopes, as brought to you by Uncyclopedia! We hope you find these scientifically calculated astrological predictions to be distinctly unhelpful. Every aspect of your life is predetermined by the alignment of the sun, moon, and billions and billions of stars, and we can see all of it. But you only get it one week at a time, because we don't like to help you very much if we can avoid it. Please note we are not responsible for any unnecessary problems, mistakes, freak accidents, sudden relationship turmoil, lightning strikes or other acts of God, mental problems, or edits to this page by unauthorized hacks.

Contents 1 Week of 4/7/08 2 Week of 3/22/08 3 Week of 3/2/08 4 Week of 2/3/08 5 Week of 1/20/08 6 Week of 1/13/08 7 Week of 12/16/07 8 Week of 12/9/07 9 Week of 12/2/07 10 Week of 11/26/07 11 Week of 11/05/07 12 Week of 03/09/07 13 Week of September 3, 2007 14 Week of May 21, 2007

[edit] Week of 4/7/08

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Perseverence is the name of the game today. This game involves heavy machinery and large quantities of alcohol, so you should have a friend explain the rules before you get started.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week will be better than last week, but not as good as the week before, which was about the same as the week before that, which was slightly better than the previous week, which totally sucked ass compared to the preceding week. And don't get me started on next week!
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - A boring week will pick up around Wednesday when a favorite object or person becomes engulfed in flames. Your lucky NHL playoff team is the Boston Bruins.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - The position of Uranus renders you vulnerable to certain types of probes. Be anal about protecting yourself.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Get out and mingle this week; you're not likely to get a date by sitting at home! Unless you look for women while playing World of Warcraft, in which case I just can't help you.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - A hero of yours may prove disappointing this week, when the lettuce is too slimy and the bread is slightly stale. Your lucky kitchen appliance is toaster.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - Your Christmas is looking bleak this year. Seriously, if I can see it coming from this far away, you're in for some hell.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The position of Neptune renders you likely to snap at loved ones with good intentions this week. If you're thinking "how can an object that is hundreds of millions of miles away affect my mood this week?", don't think...just listen and believe.
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - They say that honesty is the best policy...but i say the best policy is FREE ICE CREAM!!!
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Make sure the timing is right before springing a suprise on someone special in your life.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Stop staring at the girl who sits in front of you in French class. You should just ask her out already, so you can get rejected and move on to staring at the next-most-attractive girl.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - If the battle between you and your Physics midterm was represented by a fight between Mike Tyson and an infant, you would not be playing the role of Mike Tyson.

[edit] Week of 3/22/08

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec 21) – Did you remember to take that thing to/from that place? No. well you better or it could prove detrimental to your career/education. Lucky meals: breakfast lunch and dinner. Lucky charms: star, clover, plutonium horseshoe.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – Wouldn’t it be funny to come home and find that your house had been burglarised, your children stolen and Husband killed? Saturn thinks so. Lucky rocks: third one from the sun, uranium and a potassium brick in your stomach.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – There is a saying that says “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” however this isn’t applicable to you, John, so get back to work! Lucky money: Any.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) – “The fish monger is calling, quickly swim for your life or he’ll get you” is the annoying encouragement that your dad keeps shouting at you from the pool side to make you swim faster. It’s also a good metaphor for my point this week. Lucky boots: pharmacy, ones made for walking and the one in your bum.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) – In keeping with Easter traditions someone has eaten all your eggs, oh well you didn’t want kids anyway did you? Lucky locations: power stations, adoption centres, breweries and distilleries.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) – Look out on Tuesday as your life will bear an eerie resemblance o the plot of The Beach. Lucky Words: Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, supercaligfraglisiticexpealidocious anus and phagocytosis
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) – Your evil twin may gate-crash your funeral this week so take precautions and tell your friends to only talk to you after using the secret word; "hello". Lucky potatoes: Solanum tuberosum and Solanum andigena
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – Don’t drink that bear. Or the beer. It’s just not good for you if you do, be warned, it increases your risk of becoming cancerous, and everyone knows they’re the worst. Lucky diseases: HIV, Bubonic plague and chicken pox.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – Avoid telling your Nazi mother and Bi-sexual father that you are gay this week as you may end up being sold into slavery. Lucky orientations: Straight or zoophilic
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) – From day one I talked about getting out but not forgetting about how my worst fears are letting out he said: "Why put a new address on the same old loneliness? when breathing just passes the time until we all just get old and die." now talking's just a waste of breath and living's just a waste of death and why put a new address on the same old loneliness? And this is you and me and me and you until we've got nothing left! lucky linguistic tools: Metaphor, onomatepoeieam, alliteration and personification.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – Meh, I'm tired but just, i dunno, make sure to look both ways or something...

[edit] Week of 3/2/08

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec 21) - You've always been the sort of person who has Something nice to say about everyone. Expect an awkward situation this week when you meet Adolph Hitler. Lucky Numbers: 76, 2, 9
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Remember that we can't all take center stage in the theater of life. while you may never be a genius take solace in the fact that you've made countless people seem smarter by comparison. Lucky Colors: Puce, Lime, Clear.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your fears of having your job taken by a machine will prove to be fruitless when you have your job taken by someone far more qualified than you. Lucky Punches: Jab, Uppercut, Haymaker.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - People will will look up to you in amazement for years to come, then they'll figure out how you got up there in the first place and cut the noose that's been suspending you decaying corpse for all that time. Lucky Fake Numbers: Slevin, Schfifty-Fife, Eleventeen.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Your primary problem is not your frequent feelings of inadequacy, it's that your feelings of inadequacy are far too inadequate for you to honestly realize how utterly inadequate you truly are. Lucky Soups: Clam chowder, Minestrone, Cream of Mushroom.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You'll overcome a major fear this week when you realize that getting strangled to death by a giant squid is far less unpleasant than you imagined. Unlucky Animals: Giant Squid.
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - You'll go into this week confident and feeling everything is right with the world. Expect that to change suddenly when you lose your bottle of powerful antipsychotic medication. Lucky Emperors: Palpatine, Ying Zheng, Penguin.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You'll finally be able to put your lifetime of pent-up aggression to good use this week when a clerical error calls for you to serve a week of fury duty at the county courthouse. You have controlled your fear, now release your anger! Lucky Mexican Dentists: Pedro, Jorge, Angelina.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You've always said "It doesn't matter where the pie was cooked, it matters where the pie pan was placed." This will prove troublesome in the future when they find those words carved into the back of a dead hooker. Get a new catchphrase. Lucky Charms: Purple Horseshoes, Green Clovers, Blue Diamonds.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - God gave you infinite potential to succeed and achieve. He only did this to make any of you actual accomplishments seem infinitesimal in comparison to your potential. God's a sneaky bastard that way. Lucky Monsters: Zombie, Mummy, Cthulhu.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - If these things really worked they'd all have spoiler tags. Lucky Philosophies: Logical Positivism, Determinism, Hegelianism

[edit] Week of 2/3/08

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec 21) - You will increasingly seek your guidance from the stars after you take your new job as an 18th century navigator.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your positive outlook and vivacious gotten you through some of your life's greatest struggles, but they won't do shit against a swarm of killer bees next week. Your lucky proteins are amicyanin, flavodoxin and lactoferrin.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Money is coming your way when you receive another worthless paycheck from your mind numbing, soul crushing job in exactly the same manner as you do every fucking week.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - You don't want to know your horoscope this week. No, you can't handle it. Trust me.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - You'll learn the meaning of crushing defeat this week when you're plans to pole vault over a steamroller go tragically awry.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You’re likely to slip into quite a jittery mood today as people around you start to behave oddly or irrationally but that's the risk you have to take when you move into a crack house. Your lucky shapes are octagon, dodecahedron and right triangle.
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - This week would not be the best time to invest in any business venture that relies on the continued existence of the planet in order to remain profitable.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Your dreams of accomplishing a long term goal will be shattered when you realize that what your friends told you was the world's longest lasting jawbreaker was actually a billiard ball. Let those months of fruitless sucking serve as a growing experience.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Your wishy-washy ways are costing you the respect of your peers. It's time to face those hard decisions and make up your mind once and for all. A sex change operation shouldn't be an annual event. Your lucky dwarves are Gimli, Sleepy and Warwick Davis.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - Aries sucks, Libras Rule Woooooooh!!!
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - It's time for you to pursue your deepest desires. Move quickly before Idaho raises the age of consent above 14.

[edit] Week of 1/20/08

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec 21) - Give up. You have no chance. It's over. Get out now.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - A group of local business leaders will approach you with a plan to open your backyard to the public as a "major destination" for "pedophile sex tourists." Though a great deal of money will be offered, it may not be in your best interests to accept this proposal.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - The enormous wart growing on the back of your neck will turn out to be a control device for the aliens who abducted you the previous Thursday in order to study the complex interactions between humans and toilet paper, unbeknownst to you at the time.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - Avoid business meetings with overly ambitious co-workers who arrive at the office wearing chain mail and carrying 3-foot broadswords while speaking in an obscure 8th-century Norwegian dialect.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - I knew an Aries once, but I got bored with that pretty quickly. Uh, what was your name again?
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You will become romantically linked with a toaster oven, only to have your heart cruelly broken by a minor kitchen appliance for the third time in row.
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - This week would not be the best time to invest in any business venture that relies on the continued existence of the planet in order to remain profitable.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You thought so initially, but now you're thinking, "Sure, maybe I did that, but it's always possible I just forgot," or someone else did it and told you it was done, so you could just be imagining the whole thing. Or not.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Good times ahead! Maintaining a positive outlook will ensure great success in your personal and romantic endeavors! Expect fabulous new opportunities for increased wealth and social status! Man, you are such a jerk.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - If you walk into the Wal-Mart completely naked, there's a very small possibility that someone will have a sexual thought about you before the security guards manage to cover you up and have you arrested.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - Cheese will figure heavily in your ultimate downfall.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The battery that powers that computer you're using to read this with right now is about to explode, so it might be a good idea to move it further away from your penis.

[edit] Week of 1/13/08

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - With the moon now in your second house, you are likely to be cheerful, enthusaistic, and fun. Be careful with you newfound mood around traditionally surly co-workers, as they may feel the need to shut you the hell up.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your imagination is likely to run wild this week. A good way to keep that in check is drugs. Lots of drugs.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - You should avoid impulse purchases, at least until you pay back that guy from the mafia. He looks like he means business.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Expect some obstacles in your love life this week; someone coming out of the closet to/at/on you is virtually guaranteed.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - A difficult decision will lead you to consult a friend's opinion. Ignore this advice; your friends are retarded.
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - The relationship of Venus and Jupiter will affect your mood this week, when Jupiter's sexual harassment case against Venus finally comes to court.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Take it easy with the Dane Cook jokes this week. Your lucky sexual position is the Reverse Bavarian Crab.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You might find yourself missing opportunities at romance while waiting for that perfect someone to come along. Lower your standards. Like, a lot. Seriously, you're not attractive, you should settle for basically anything.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - There is a matter that you are one hundred percent sure you are correct about. Stop at nothing to convince others of your opinion. For those that cannot be convinced...you know what to do.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - The chances of you getting struck by a meteor, while remaining mathematically insignificant, have risen 2% this week due to the position of Mars.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The position of Saturn will interfere with your concentration abilities this week. Beware of inattentiveness, becoming distracted, loss of focus, and...HEY, LOOK AT THAT BIRD!
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You may overhear something that you didn't want to know this week. A good way to avoid this is to wear earplugs until next Sunday.

[edit] Week of 12/16/07

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec 21) - With Jupiter taking a round of planet earth, you will get free of the law of gravity. And you'll get to dance with monkeys of the jungle.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - The internationally famous singing star you've been stalking will turn out to actually be a professional imitator in a tribute band. Just consider the years you've wasted as "practice stalking" to prepare for the real thing.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You will learn the true meaning of Christmas after much embarrassment and the intervention of a friend with a dictionary.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - This week the moon will not be in Pisces but for some reason the sun will. Expect catastrophic climate change and mass extinctions until it gets back to the center of the solar system where it belongs.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - You have something special in the offering for new year. You'll get to party for the whole of next year.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20)Mercury moving into your sign is the signal to start on your most ambitious project yet: the conquest of Europe and Western Asia. Avoid starting a protracted land war with Russia until after the spring thaw.
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - You will have fabulous ideas tomorrow, celebrate these ideas in the coming week and regret it for a lifetime after you drink enough to destroy all short term memory of the preceding month.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Venus descending in your sign means it's time to broaden your outlook. Try opening you left eye for once.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You will meet long lost friends when they arise form the grave hungry for human flesh. Be prepared to sever the head or shoot them in the brain to stop their bloodthirsty rampage.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You bite off more than you can chew this week when you win a year's supply of bubble gum.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - You must accept that sometime the things you've lost in your life can never be regained and you should move on. Such things may include the use of the right side of your body, bowel control and your dignity.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You will learn that looks are not as important as love when you finally find your soul mate sharing the same burn ward as you. Avoid physical intimacy until they remove the stitches from the skin grafts.

[edit] Week of 12/9/07

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - You should really seek a professional opinion on that thing you keep worrying about. Particularly if that thing is a rash.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - With the moon now in your sign, you may be feeling more emotional than usual. If you are a female, this is acceptable. If you are a guy, then seriously, stop being such a pussy.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - The planets suggest you may be worrying about petty things, such as if your friends really like you. Well they don't, so stop worrying.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - This week you will realize that you should stop focusing on the deeper meaning of your relationships, and concentrate more on the practical aspects.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - You may be taking on too heavy of a workload this week. You should, in particular, avoid making any guarantees that you may not be able to keep.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - The position of Mars is extremely favorable right now for single Tauri seeking a date this week. If you are a Taurus and in a relationship, prepare for its death throes.
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - What you may view as a witty argument, others might interpret as a petty complaint. Show these people what's up by slashing their tires.
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Compromise goes a long way in relationships this week, except in the bedroom, where nothing will happen no matter what you do.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Messages: Your car has been towed. You have 30 minutes to claim your car. You have ten minutes to claim your car. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have thirty minutes to remove your cube.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You may get off to a slow start today, but your boss isn't paying attention, so your dickery will go unnoticed.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - You need to straighten out your priorities. Avoid purchasing Christmas presents for elderly loved ones, as the position of Saturn renders them likely candidates for drowning.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - You may find yourself overanalyzing situations this week. Just remember, don't trust your instincts. Remember what happened the last time you did that?

[edit] Week of 12/2/07

Aries (20th March – 19th April): Don’t excel yourself at work as this may lead to hateful glares from your inferiors and ‘accidents’ on the staircase. However Uranus is in your sign this week so your love life should go swimmingly on Saturday.

Taurus (20th April – 20th May): Your sexual advances will go unnoticed again this week due to Saturn also be ready to accept money from strangers as it may be your sole income for the next wee while.

Gemini (21st May – 20th June): Ignore the amorous Taurus this week as you need to get ahead in life and not sully yourself with underachieving bulls. I advise you develop a gambling addiction or eating disorder so you will have something to tell your carer when you’re dying old and alone.

Cancer (21st June – 22nd July): Pay no attention to anyone this week as ignorance of outstanding debts and long lost children really is bliss. Snap decisions, such as a holiday or suicide may go well on Thursday due to the leading influence of Mercury’s link with Mars.

Leo (23rd July – 22nd August): Make sure to tell loved ones just how little they mean to you before leaving for a business trip on Tuesday. Jupiter also advises the use of extreme caution while travelling this week.

Virgo (23rd August – 22nd September): Whatever anyone says only a mother could love that face, contemplate doing something you enjoy but don’t follow through as Venus’ influence suggests things may go wrong.

Libra (23rd September – 22nd October): Masturbation will be your only outlet this week as your barren wife found out about you and the secretary, don’t get too down though as some celestial bodies say worse is yet to come.

Scorpio (23rd October – 21st November): Natural disaster will strike this week and ruin your dream wedding, also keep a close eye on that Capricorn at work as he may be ready to snap. On Wednesday try and keep your clothes on when Sagittarius is around as those warts only just recently cleared up.

Sagittarius (22nd November – 21st December): Brash overconfidence and a sexually charged arrogance will get you into everyone’s pants this week however this may lead to an epidemic of genital lice in your local community. Make amends on Sunday by giving the vicar a blow in the confessionary.

Capricorn (22nd December – 20th January): Avoid altruism at all costs you mustn’t let people take advantage of you or you’ll just end up poor and in a sexless relationship with a hermaphrodite. Also the sun advises against guns in the workplace on Monday.

--Orian57 14:14, 2 December 2007 (UTC)

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[edit] Week of 11/26/07

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - A co-worker will confess his/her crush on you this week. If you choose to let him/her down easy, beware the uncomfortable consequences.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Use birth control this week. Lots of birth control.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Avoid women over six feet tall. Your lucky color is blue.
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) - You will enjoy immense financial success, followed swiftly by death.
• Aries (March 21 - April 19) - The conjunction of Mars and Jupiter shouldn't worry you, it only affects certain people.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your spouse or children may be tough to please this week...you know what to do.
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - You've been very flexible lately. Make up your god-damn mind!
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Enjoy the time you spend with your puppy this week, because...umm...just in case.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Someone will try to take credit for your hard work. You should let them, they look pretty tough...
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - If you stop and look at the big picture today, you're likely to be run over by a car. Pay attention.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) - The position of Venus renders you infertile this week. Go nuts!
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - Absolutely, whatever you do this week, it is vital to your health that you do not...oh, hang on, I love this song..."and so, Sally can wait"...

[edit] Week of 11/05/07

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) Consider a new direction in life; take a long walk over a cliff.
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Just Say NO
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) A weird Girl wants you
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) Paint a picture; take up sculpture, for the love of all that is holy do something to distract yourself from the horrible emptiness that is your life.
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) If God had wanted you to be that obsequious he would of made you richer.
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) It's time to join a gym; if you have already then go more often.
• Libra (Sept. 23 -Oct. 22) Your bank account has been closed; your house reposessed and your children taken out of school and shot. Also your car has been impounded. Have a nice day.
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) Your girl/boy friend is cheating on you. With your mother. She's just better than you, is all......
• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) You feel the need to travel, meet new people, challenge yourself and lean about new cultures, oh yes, it is time to join the armoured infantry.
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Just because it's the nice, safe, annonymous internet, doesn't mean we all don't know. We all know EVERYTHING.
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) Take up DIY, green carpet in the garden is so much nicer than grass!
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March. 19) Celibacy is so 2007.

[edit] Week of 03/09/07

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) Enjoy a refreshing Coca-Cola!
• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) See your local Ford dealer about the new Explorer!
• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) Get high speed interent with SBC Yahoo! Dial up
• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) Try the new angus steak burger at burger king!!11
• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) Be all you can be in today's army!
• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) Don't leave home without american express!
• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) Catch "Lame ass movie" opeaning at ruel drive ins today!
• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) Vist Apple.com to see the impoossably small iPod nano and sighn up to get one free! All you have to do is send me your credit card number and an ipod nano will magically appear in frot of you, along with a macbook and $1 Trillon dollors! So dont miss this great offer!!
• Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) Plan your next vaca w' Expledia!
• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Beef! Its whats for dinner!
• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) Ask your doctor if Viargra is right for you!
• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) Buy and ad in this feature!
• Javoovoo (Rom. 1- Fag. 5) You will finally relize the truth (the entire universe is a potato) by reading it in you horoscope.

[edit] Week of September 3, 2007

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) The sign of the beetroot. As you well know, you often find yourself in a social situation where you simply want to burrow into a pile of sawdust, run around on a little metal wheel, or eat your own faeces. Don’t give in! Stand your ground and fly high, or you’ll be shot out of the water. A long-cherished vegetable will come to fruition. Lucky numbers - The Beach Boys and Lionel Barrymore.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) This is the sign of the suitable-for-a-vegetarian-diet cutlet or escalope. Like other Virgos, you are almost an anagram of Viagra, and so your Moon can be in Jupiter while your Hamster is in the Sun. This can result in untoward influences, especially if you are one of those Virgas who just Loves to tie a magpie to a shoe-box-box while singing the National Anthem of Turkey. Sound familiar? Never mind - towards the end of the week the memories will fade, and your otter’s coat will once again be sleek and shiny and its eyes will glisten with healthy healthy teeth and bones glistening. Lucky numbers - hiccup, retching, and sasparilla. The milk of the Rumplestiltskin Tree should be avoided.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your fiery nature often causes you to have matches stuck up your nostrils and a gas main inserted into you, while aged people sit around your open mouth rubbing their hands and telling stories of the Old Days. This week, however, you will meet with a long journey overseas, and go on a tall dark stranger. Beware of birds and other badgers. Lucky numbers - 0 and 32768.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) Like the animal of your sign, you have a tendency to tend. This will necessitate a college course in Quantities, and also medical intervention. After Wednesday you will find that old friends crop up wearing hamsters and other burrowing vertebrates as if they were garments! But remember: a stitch in the bush can often be the difference between two broths. Lucky numbers - Pi and the Constant of Acceleration Due to Gravity.

• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) This is the sign of the giraffe, and you will often have to compensate for circumstances. Your actions may be unpredictable, or predictable. Like the giraffe, you carry your young about in a pouch, and eat the leaves of the wallaby and other seabirds. This week your love life will take a turn, but the operation is reversible. Please do not use public urinals as a microwave oven. By all means choose a colour as your lucky number, but Remember - a lucky colour can often be an unlucky letter of the alphabet.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Your customary sunny disposition makes you the life and soul of the party, and the cause of continual irritation in others. This week, however, you will meet with your death in a hiking accident involving a can of pilchards, a plastic tub, and a questionable magazine. Evil sherpas will steal your clothes and prosthetic devices, goats and the ibex will use you as a means of removing stones from their hooves, and you will be mistaken for a latrine by a family of mountain-badgers. The week will end on a more positive note. Lucky numbers - 1,2,3,5,7,11,13,17,19,4,6,8,9,10,12,14,15,16.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) This is the sign of the crab, and like other crabs you often find your hard shell stops you from fully enjoying a refreshing shower. But don’t worry - your critics will get more than they bargained for when you turn the tables in a turn up for the books that will certainly turn heads, and you’ll turn the corner with a turnip around Tuesday. After Wednesday, you will meet with a long-armed man with two limps yet only a single gold tooth, which thing will bring good fortune. Lucky numbers - Googol and Impetigo.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A harpsichord will fall on you. You are doomed. Lucky numbers - No.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) Pisceans are often said to contain all the other signs within themselves: this can lead to constipation and other medical problems, so watch out for nuns and the warsong of the cabbage. If you think you are a Pisces, you are probably wrong, because Pisci are notably unable to think, read, or understand. You are probably Libra (see below) or Faries. Lucky numbers - Foam, trouser-presses, and a party of six Nepalese villagers eating bread.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) Your sign is the Patron Saint of panel-beaters and the Worshipful Guild of Boats, and is often scantily-clad for purposes of titillation. However, the coming week will see you at the top of the form, both socially and at work! You will be hob-nobbing with the nobs and no mistske. No irrigation will be too strenuous for your colon or for that of your sheepdog. But beware! Too much cooking can spoil the bush of a broth-bush, as surely as lead. So if you know that two pins make two, and that a pint’s as good as a punnet when your eye’s in, you will tread carefully. Lucky numbers: ah the fluctuating price of cheese!

• Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) This sign is often mistakenly called “Sagittarius”. However its real name is Francisco “Frankie” Menendez, and it lives in a small suburb of Quito, Ecuador. It is the sign of the water-biscuit and the self-seal envelope with its seals and walruses. Its characteristics are a small glittery windmill handheld by a child, but it is also a bag of mixed salad washed and ready-to-eat. This will mean that towards the middle of the week, you find yourself in an embarrassing social situation, from which you will need to extricate yourself with much care! Oops! Lucky numbers - Eggs, and an unsuccessful attempt to cross the Pyrenees using a teaspoon.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) This sign is often correctly called Gemini or Buggery, but its real name is Robert “Boaby” McFudgen. This is the sign of the basalt geranium and the motorised toothbrush, and is associated with floss (both dental and candy) - so watch out for a big green cat and a tree made entirely out of wood by unemancipated labour in Pakistan and its whiskers twitching twitching twitching twitching so you can’t take it any more and you just need to get out - Out - Out. The situation will improve towards the end of the week, when your lucky dormouse will be the dormoctopus or other wide-leaved plant of the Amazonian Basin. Lucky numbers - 3 and 7.

• Faries (Rom. 1- Fag. 5) You are stereotypically afflicted with a mild speech impediment, and have an affinity to hair-or-nail-care products. This week you will gain a degree in interior design, form the belief that many people in the public eye are homosexual, and own three times as many laptop computers as a representative sample of the population. You will be the victim of an unfortunate lampoon on a popular website. Lucky numbers - Peter Mandelson, Michael Portillo, Peter Lillee.

• Jello (Jam. 20- Gen. 5;11) You are the sign of the squid, and the qualities of that animal are often manifest in you. In social terms this means that you tend to undulate through the sea, thrash your tentacles about, and shoot jets of an inky substance over other fish. This week you will eat plankton, lay eggs, and possess a torpedo-shaped body ranging from about 10 centimetres to 16.5 metres in length. Lucky numbers - Halibut, Turbot, and the state of the game in Great Britain today. As contrasted with the war years. Thankfully this will not affect your charity work.

[edit] Week of May 21, 2007

• This week's birthday It's a long and arduous year ahead, starting with your many battles with temptation and concluding with a sudden defenestration. You will make a lot of enemies; put them to good use.

• Aries (March 21 - April 19) The results of the personality test come back, and you finally realize you don't have one.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your uncle's rent-a-car will be eaten by goats, forcing you to perform a sudden and bizarre rescue operation. Prepare by filling your trailer with towels.

• Gemini (May 21 - June 21) A person close to you will become ensnared in a vicious scheme originating in the Middle East. You become alarmed when they return to the homeland, but do not fear; they're only appearing on Afghani Idol.

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) All in all an exceptionally lucky week, except with members of the other gender. At least they won't be paying you much attention.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) A couple of high school retards from a rural school in Texas toy with your fate by altering your horoscope. Do the exact opposite of what they say.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) Could it be? Yes it could. Something's coming, something good. Maybe tonight...

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) Sudden fits of hysteria paralyze you for the first half of the week, before you wake from a dreamlike state and realize that all you really ever want to do is go storm-chasing.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) Grzyblap. [We warned you this would be cryptic. As a matter of fact, your horoscope last week is the same as Capricorn's this week, in case you don't believe us.]

• Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) Increased mood swings result in a strange tendency to drive alone down isolated country roads.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Next week's message will be impossibly cryptic, so enjoy this one while you can. You'll feel confused by life anyways.

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) One salient question will assail you this week, begging to be answered and holding the ultimate key to your happiness: who framed Roger Rabbit?

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) Transcendance achieved, you will reach nirvana following a particularly stunning game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. Be sure to bake yourself lots of snickerdoodle cookies.

• Javoovoo (Rom. 1- Fag. 5) You will be phased by the fact that your star sign is non-existen, just like your date of birth. You will soon come to the sad realisation that YOU in fact do not exist. You will then feast upon a Sagittarian.