This Guy
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“Who has two thumbs and likes to huff kittens? This guy!”
~ Oscar Wilde on kitten huffing
“ What a hottie!”
~ That Gay
“This guy really gets to me...”
~ That Guy on This Guy
“I know who this guy really is. He is the guy who was famous for the thing, because of what happened in that place he was in.”
~ Some guy on who This Guy is
“Who the hell is this guy?”
~ Some Other Guy on This Guy
“Bro?”
~ That One Guy on This Guy
This Guy is believed to be the first person ever to sell a kitten for the express purposes of Kitten Huffing and to have started the first Urban legend. He was also a serial rapist, and an MLG Halofag.
Contents |
[edit] Birth and First Huff
The man later to be known as This Guy first saw the light of day in Somewhere, Nowhere, in 1839 or 1837. It is generally understood that this was due to his inability to deal with his real family background in Cardiff, Wales. He was christened Norbert Tanglynickers, poor bastard, and went to Garland high school and was friends with Some other guy. Forensic psychos later theorized that the relentless hazing of young Tony over his name turned him to a life of drugs and crime. But they were all psychos, so what do we care what the bleeders thought.
What IS known is that Norbert "Tingly" Tanglnickers first inhaled a feline at his fifth birthday party. Everyone else hogged the helium balloons, and in a fit of antisocial rage "Tingly" grabbed the family cat, an overweight tortoiseshell tabby. He got half the cat into his lungs and then sneezed. His nasal explosion blasted the unfortunate tabby's head right through its own digestive tract. The cat turned inside out. The guests fled in horror. One guest, Andrew Lloyd Webber, started to rock back and forth and began to carry on a conversation with his rump. Later he would write a musical based on the event.
Young Norbert found himself alone at the table before a blood-spattered birthday cake with a moistly pulsating, inside-out cat in his lap. Its heart pumped squishily next to his belt buckle. Its chubby kidneys oozed unspeakable slime onto his thighs.
We can only imagine the damage done to Norbert "Tingly" Tangleknickers' childish psyche at that horrible moment.
Norbert Tingly Tanglnickers was also the first to successfully Sniff a Stoat, it took a few hundred people to contain the Stoat, it was eventually doped and its soul huffed by This Guy himself.
[edit] Adolescent Crime and Punishment
At ten Norbert was arrested for lewd acts with a manx. As a first offender he got probation, and a stern warning from the Justice. Six months later he was taken into custody after being found wandering in Kings Park, dazed and confused and covered in cat hair. He was released for want of evidence of wrongdoing. But only a few weeks later he was implicated in the infamous "Maylands Cat-snatcher" case. He was convicted, and did five years in Fremantle Gaol ("gaol" is Ozztralian for what the debased Americans call "jail").
On his release he had his name legally changed to This Guy. (One may wonder why he chose such an odd name for himself. It's quite simple. He was huffing kittens. The kitty cats make you do some crazy stuff. Man, this one time, one of this article's authors took a Calico, a Vacuum cleaner, and a roll of toilet paper and... Wait, you shouldn't hear this. Nevermind!) However, the justice in charge of his case wrote that "...despite his youth the prisoner in question is unrepentant, a veritable hard case whom no amount of temperate treatment is likely to turn from recidivism."
A "hard case" indeed. Only a year after his parole a rural officer witnessed This Guy stuffing an orange kitten under his shirt on Pinjarra Road near the site of present-day Barragup Bridge. When challenged This Guy fled across country, escaping when the pursuing officer fell into the Serpentine River and was seized by a bloody great croc. Although the officer survived, he could not make a case against This Guy as his head had been bitten away.
But two years later This Guy ended up in the docket anyway, charged with purveying anchovies to kittens with intent to work mischief. The justice sent him down for ten years hard labour. It was his third major feline-related conviction. This Guy was nineteen years old, a prime age for undeeds.
[edit] Struggle and Relapse
Against all odds, after his release This Guy went straight for several years. He worked as a jobber at a sheep station, where his craving for kittens was irrelevant as the sheepdogs (blue heelers and borzois) tore apart any cat they found for twenty kilometers around.
Granted, stories were told -- station hands spoke of "things that was done with a wombat one time" and the mysterious disappearance of a rabbit-fur coat ("...only a few hairs was ever found of it, d'ya know"), but no concrete evidence of This Guy's abuse of kittens has surfaced.
Then in December, 1884, he quit his job and left the sheep station. He told no one where he was going. It was probably best that they didn't know.
March, 1885: Cats begin vanishing from the streets of Rockhampton, Queensland.
May, 1885: An estimated 75% of the cats of Gladstone disappear over the space of a fortnight. Residents glimpse an unidentified man staggering along the strand, clutching a pulsating burlap gunnysack.
July, 1885: Three litters of kittens -- Siamese, Manx, and mixed-breed -- were stolen in one night from addresses along the same street in Bundaberg.
During this time he crossed paths with future Beatles member and founder of the USSR, John Lenin. A terrible fight ensued, all over 2 Tabby kitten litters. Lenin went straight a year later, but he and This Guy were enemies until death. Lenin's worshiper Trotsky claims that This Guy is responsible for Lenin's death, but This Guy denies any association.
This Guy had reached a new low. In the grip of his dreadful addiction he was on the move, and his destination appeared to be the feline-laden streets of Brisbane. It was there that he found himself in need of money, so he made a decision that would ultimately change the face of recreational kitten use forever: he sold his first kitten to a Spanish conquistador named Phil Huechodeheuchera.
Now, far from being the sick perversion of a single simpleton, Kitten Huffing was on its way to becoming a scourge that would plague addicts on all 13 continents.
[edit] Enter Sergeant McMackmakay
Sergeant David "The Gimp" McMackmakay was a strapping lad. At age 32, he was the youngest Sergeant on the Brisbane police squad, and also the most well hung...though that's not important right now. His nickname was one he had acquired as a child, when he spent summers in a dungeon owned by none other than Oscar Wilde.
Sgt. McMackmakay had personal reasons to want to track down and find the person responsible for the wholesale slaughter of nearly every kitten in the country. His own cat, Sergeant McMackmakay Junior, who also was well hung, had been one of This Guy's very first victims.
In late June, 1886, after more than a year of dogged pursuit, Sgt. McMackmakay managed to track down and arrest This Guy, behind a 7-11 in Brisbane. Also arrested was a man known only by the name of Carlosvon brestenbeaurgenshine III (who, coincidentally, was also well hung. Go figure).
This Guy would huff no more.
The damage, however, had been done. The kitten death toll was enormous. Moreover, kitten huffing had made its way from the once tranquil streets of Brisbane to the halls of Montezuma and the shores of Tripoli, wherever the hell that is.
If you are bored and looking for something to do. Place a £2 coin inside your mouth and attempt a backflip on a trampoline. - Chuck Norris.
[edit] Death and resurrection
This Guy was sentenced to 650 years in the Brisbane prison. He died there in 1938. On the third day, he rose again, and ascended into heaven. This scared the holy shit(no pun) out of the Christians, as they didn't know how to react. Was This Guy the second coming of Jesus? Alas, their fears were allayed when it was discovered that the resurrection was just an elaborate parlour trick he had learned from the David Blaine instructional videos earlier in his life.
He actually died the next afternoon. Upon search of his cell following his death, guards found what looked to be the remains of a slender Siamese under This Guy's bunk. Had This Guy managed to smuggle in a kitten during his last days on Earth? It seemed to be the case. In that sense, This Guy had gotten the last laugh.
Reports of This Guy began springing up everywhere. On street corners (and curves!) in malls, and even sometimes on TV you could hear people saying "I saw This Guy just the other day and he was doing..." A certain Mikhail Maslyuk even reported having shot him. David Blaine tried to shoot him too, for stealing his trick. Jesus was pretty pissed about the entire "second coming" shtick, so he gave it a shot too. A mugger was heard saying he attacked This Guy in an alley.
It is rumoured that This Guy had an illegitimate son named Whomsoever with history's famous Some French Chick. He also had at least one perineum, if not several perinea, and may have owned a Unicyclopedia.
[edit] Liaisons
This Guy's sexual liaisons are too numerous to enumerate or even adumbrate. Aside from frequent reports in the Weekly World News, two of his most prominent liaisons are documented in popular song.
Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix records the ecstatic union between Hendrix and This Guy that occurred while Hendrix was tripping mightily and This Guy burst into the room, fresh from a heavy bout of kitten huffing. Irresistibly drawn to his furry orange radiance, Hendrix dropped everything, including the electric air guitar on which he was composing Purple Haze, leaping into the arms of This Guy and declaring, "'Scuse me while I kiss This Guy!"
After Hendrix's death, This Guy found comfort in the arms of Jackson Browne and his lover, whose short-lived threesome is poignantly documented in Browne's haunting 1974 album, Late for This Guy. The title track ends with a memorable stanza articulating Browne's feeling of utterly empty desolation when This Guy had moved on to new huffing grounds:
How long have I been running for
That morning flight
From the whispered promises and the changing light
Of the bed where we both lie
Late for This Guy?
[edit] Quotes from other guys about This Guy
“[This comment has been removed due to legal action by the Church of Scientology.]”
~ Tom Cruise on on the subject of religion and This Guy
“I once knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who knew THIS GUY!”
~ Another guy
“gorg snarl dorfna jugga jugga bwlop humflooey”
~ Some Alien
“THAT guy is so much more interesting than THIS guy.”
~ That Guy on himself. (he's just jealous)
“Of Course I've been up it! Who hasn't?”
~ Oscar Wilde on This Guy's rectal cavity
“WHO?!?!?!”
~ Mike Jones
“I thought i saw this guy, and he thought he saw me but when we walked up to each other it was neither of us!”
~ Hugh Janus
“There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on -- shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again. You've got to understand the nature of the This Guy”
“Boop Bop Boop This Guy Boop”
~ Pong
“Hey! I thought I saw This Guy standing on a hill as I was driving through Dallas, you know?”
“I was sitting there, minding my own business, when This Guy comes up to me and shoots me in the head. I'm thinking, as the bullet zooms through my antebellum, 'Who is This Guy?"”
“The room always lit up when he arrived at the party. Everyone asked, 'Who the fuck is This Guy?' I'd always say, 'This Guy means more to me than your sorry ass ever will.'”
~ George Burns
“This Guy told me to stop having intimate encounters for four. Unless there are three other people. He then grabbed my ass and said, 'Make that two other people.'”
“This Guy... He's not my kind of guy.”
~ Buddy Rich
“I did not have sexual relations with This Guy”
~ Bill Clinton on lying through his teeth
How to spell... This Guy. I know this... B. A. S. T. A. R. D. Yay! I win!
~ The Non-Huffable Kitten on This Guy
“Thees fockeen guy!”
“I once actually touched him!”
~ Dr. Myles Anderson
“This Guy, I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!”
“This Guy never bought drugs from me, I always gave them to him.”
~ Jimsonweed
“
where x is the number of kittens available for huffing, p is the number of kittens already huffed and z is the age of the subjects sister-in-law then j equates to the total come down time and intensity.”
“Sister-in-law huffing is not recognized by any country below the 50 degree parallel.”
“This Guy, like totally creamed me man”
~ A Hippy
“Oi mate, didja check the fully sick arse on this guy bro!”
“This Guy does not play dice.”
~ Einstein
“He's just This Guy, you know?”
~ A Therapist
“But This Lad at the side drinking a Smirnoff ice came and paid for her tropical Reef.”
“Excuse me while I kiss This Guy.”
“This Guy died from Ham Disease. I know it!”
“I thought I was Some Guy not This Guy”
~ Some Guy on This Guy
“This Guy are sick.”
“AUFKURUNGSCHANKUFKOUNGAFBERGER!!!!.”
“SO I HERD YUO LIEK MUDKIPS”
“This Guy is being enemy to Soviet Union, and therefore, comrades, he MUST BE DESTROYED!!!”
“I thought this guy was this guy, but it was actually that guy”
~ {{{2}}}
“Hmmm?”
~ Confused Philosopher on This Guy
“Hmmm.”
~ No longer confused Philospher on This Guy
“I'd rather be dead than be This Guy”
“Waka waka waka waka woo woo woo this guy waka waka”
~ Pacman
[edit] Quotes
- "If venison is so freakin' good, why isn't it farmed?"
- "The Olsen twins never got it done for me. Most people who like them are just fucking kiddie-fiddlers. If the tall one had breasts, she might pass for a trans-sexual."
- "The Matrix sequels sucked ass. Not just plain ass, hairy, cellulite, stinky ass."
(Oscar Wilde plays This Guy in the films very badly.)
- "I'll give you a dollar to shut the fuck up and go away."
- "George W. Bush doesn't care about This Guy."
- "I did not have sexual relations with that Fat Girl. I wanted to."
- "I love pussy. Cats, that is."
- "Father why hast thou forsaken my kittens." (famous last words, or so was thought at the time)
- "Incest!!! Incest!!! Incest!!! Incest!!!"
- "These window bars and I are in a duel to the death. Either they go or I go." (Real famous last words)
- " where x is the number of kittnes available for huffing, p is the number of kittens already huffed and z is the age of the subjects sister-in-law the j equates to the total come down time and intencity.
His real name may be Bob (not to be confused with Bob the Builder)
- Santa hates you
- Wait! Why am I here?
"Dance Crack, the Kitty Dance!" this guy really really is not a gay he's my everything my love and my life!
[edit] Legacy
This Guy was the subject of the famous song UnPoetia:Norbert Percy Tangleknickers by Oscar Wilde, which was later ripped off by The Beatles for their White Album. The Irony in this was that the Beatles hated This Guy but recorded the song because of Oscar Wilde's greatness.
[edit] See Also
- That Guy
- That Gay
- That One Guy
- That Girl
- Those Guys
- The Guyver
- MacGyver
- Pizza Guy
- Family Guy
- Kitten Huffing
- Partially Huffable Kitten
- What's-his-name off that thing
- Man With No Name
- This Company
- Bucknell University
Chaos ┌───┴───┐ Chaos═╤═Chaos ┌───┴───┐ Amor═╤═Gaea │ ┌───Oranos═╤═Gaea │ │ │ ┌────┴────┐ │ Zeus══╤══Kronos │ Chaos══╪══Mewtwo Aphrodite/Venus══╪══Oscar Wilde (see here) │ ┌─────────────┴────────────────────────────┐ │ │ │ Clam │ Aphrodite════╪════Hermes │ │ │ ┌──Hermaphrodite ┌──────┬────────────┬─────┴───┬──────────────┬──────────────┤ ├───────────┐ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ Sonic Zeus════╤════Hera══╤══This Guy═╤═J. Neutron═╤═Fairy Godmother Wyatt══╤══Poseidon │ │ │ │ │ │ ┌────────┬────────┴───┐ │ └────┐ │ Carl Sagan═══╤═══Anonymous │ │ │ │ │ │ │ Pacman══╤══Mr. Love══╤══Hermes ├───Antithe Tinkerbell God═════╤════Virgin Mary═══╤═══Chronos │ │ │ ├───Athe │ │ Mothra═╤═Oscar Wilde Peter Pan─────┼───Pan Original Jesus═══╤═══Mary Magdalene ┌───┴────┬──────┬─────┐ └───Peter Griffin │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ Tom Cruise Cecil Gene Ray │ ...and we all know what happened next │ │ │ │ │ Godzilla═╤═Google │ Goa Tse═══════╤═══Your Mom │ │ │ Mozilla Firefox═╤═Mew ┌────┴─────┐ │ │ │ Mewtwo │ Transvesta │ │ │ Splenda═╤═Wilford Brimley │ │ ...And you... │ ┌────┴─────┐ │ Diabeetis Meow Mix cheating
