Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson, referred to in his day as "The Teej" or "Teejus Christ" was the 9th President of the United States, the 17th President of the United Spades of Amerika, and a renowned anal-bead enthusiast. He is regarded by historians as one of the foremost pioneers in interracial pornography of the 18th century.

Thomas Jefferson once owned a horse named Bess, whose namesake became the wife of a later President, Harry Truman. There is no truth to the rumors that Jefferson ate Bess or sold her into slavery, as "I'd never treat a fine animal that way."

Thomas Jefferson was diagnosed with jungle fever at a young age. When elected president, he coined the phrase "Once you go black, you don't go back". Rumors were such that he preferred his slave lover than his wife Shirley Temple.

The legacy of Thomas Jefferson.

Other than politics, he shared a lifelong passion similar of President George W. Bush. He loved to spend his workdays in France (in Dubyah case, Florida) and buying land from the French (in Dubyah case, robbing lands). He was sued by Marbury for not sharing his wife Shirley Temple. This violates Sharing is Caring principle of the Article IX in the United Spades of Amerika Constitution established by Supreme Court Justice Dan Brown. (See also Marbury v. Jefferson (2003)) He later on send Marbury along with Clark Kent to exile.

A close friend of both Tony and Hudson Hawk, Jefferson purchased the Louisiana Purchase as a raptor perch. The sale was rung up by Lewisand, Clerk, and valued (for tax purposes) at one penny, despite Lincoln not yet being known beyond the Middle East. The market price of Louisiana fell abruptly until people were paid to emigrate to the god-foresaken swamps.

Thomas Jefferson, or "Tommy" as he preferred to be called, greatly enjoyed the pleasures of Marijuana and Opium, both of which he grew.

Contrary to popular belief, Thomas carried two huge breasts instead of two sagging sacks of small monkeys on his chest.

He was a ingenious inventor - he is credited with creating the first midget and a time travel device that was installed in the hook on his left hand. Other presidents copied this sartorial choice, leading to the phrase, "hooking up." c.f. Bill Clinton After being roasted by or like a duck at the "Friers' Club," he escaped with the aid of strong drink provided by his President of Alcoholic Vice, Benjamin Franklin. Additionally, he was the sole inventor of the popular franchise, "Chucky Cheese". However, his plans unexpectedly fell in to the trash where a exe-hippie janitor named Phil worked. Surprisingly, Phile found the plans and decided to create the place full with petifiles like him, but that will come at a later time. It is said that Thomas Jefferson dresses up like Chucky Cheese to this very day.

Jefferson stormed the castle in 1803 and defeated the evil king, which lead to the dwarf rebellion of 1697. He also liberated the fairies in 1807, which caused everyone to be at full hearts until the population eventually dwindled away.

Jefferson sent away for kits, and built ungainly airships to resemble his palace, Monticello. After the palace was built on an indian burial ground, Jefferson fell into a worm hole behind his wine cellar. He landed in ancient Rome where Sulla persuaded him to eat babies. He became powerfully addicted to baby juice and traveled back to the liberated American colonies to serve as president. Because time jumps took so much power from him, he forgot his sojourn in Rome, served badly, and was under-tipped.

By the end of his presidency he lost his mind, but gained several excellent recipes for preparing babies. He reportedly tried to introduce this horrific practice to John Adams, who suffered from a learning disability and tattled on Jefferson to George Washington. Jefferson saw Washington's puffy cheeks on the dollar, and tried to eat him as well.

1 The True Story of Adams' Death
2 Famous Quotes
3 Trivia
4 See also

[edit] The True Story of Adams' Death

On the 4th of July, 1826, John Adams lay dying. He was well over 1000 years old and by this time completely blind, deaf, mute, retarded, and suffering cancer which had caused his asshole to fall off and made his balls disappear. Adams knew that he would be dead in a matter of hours, and his last wish was to make amends with his old friend, the Mighty Teej, who he had quarreled with for the past fifty or so years after Jefferson started fucking Adams' slave. (Incidentally, the love child of Jefferson and Adam's slave eventually became MC Hammer.)

Jefferson was summoned all the way from Virginia, where he was busy banging Janet Jackson; but even though Jefferson was running on foot as fast as he could from Virginia to Massachusetts, Adams was deteoriating fast. Somehow Adam's pants flew off, and his penis fell into the mouth of Ted Haggert. Adams was going fast. He turned over, dry-humped a pillow, and cried out, "Thomas Jefferson still survives..."

To which Jefferson replied: "DAMN STRAIGHT BITCH!", and proceeded to asphyxiate Adams with a pillow. However, nobody was in the room at the time, so the validity of this story is unknown. Jefferson revealed this story in his 1876 book, The Audacity of Strangling Your Estranged Friend John Adams With a Purple Polka-Dotted Pillow.

muffled gunshot*

The author of this section has been shot in the head, so kindly disregard these several paragraphs of utter shit.

[edit] Famous Quotes

"The Tree of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is best planted in indirect sunlight. Ideally, soil should be slightly alkaline, but it has been known to flourish at a lower pH level. Water regularly, but do not over-water, as the roots are very vulnerable to fungal infection. The thick bark makes it resistant to beetles, but it is very prone to aphids, which are best treated with white oil."

"All a tyranny needs to succeed are some cool uniforms."

"But I only slid in one finger!"

"Okay, fine! I support abortion AND gun rights AND separation of Church and State AND low taxes and less government! There, happy?"

"I have sworn, upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man. I also own dozens of slaves. What the fuck are you gonna do 'bout that, BIOTCH?!"

"It self-lubricates, I swear!"

"Something tremendously glib about truth and freedom, blah blah blah, yada yada yada."

"Tyranny, war and big government are all very bad. Therefore, I shall take a huge sum of the taxpayers' money, and give it all to Napoleon, and start our first foreign war."

"I would much rather have newspapers without a government than newspapers without Krazy Kat."

"Well... I'm not quite a virgin if you're counting anal."

"24 hours in a day, 24 female slaves on my plantation. Coincidence?"

"Brown sugar... Why hast thou tasted so good?"

"I gots me some of dat jungle fever."

"I didn't say that it was the BEST place to put it, I just said it'd be different from the usual. Excuse me for being creative."

"I wish Aaron wasn't such a douche bag."

"We hold these truths to be self evident - Go get me a sandwich, nigger, or I'll kill you - that ALL men are created EQUAL!"

"I'm the 18th century Tom Cruise."

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

"Give me liberty or give me low-cost quality footwear!"

"Oh how I loves the mochachina."

[edit] Trivia

His Declaration of Independence's original draft promised liberty and equality for all people, but after some 'coercion' from his fellow patriot's friends in the Corleone family, it was revised to 'we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, except for everyone who's not white, Catholics, British asswipes, Super Aids, and retards who aren't named George Bush', the version which was ultimately adopted.

Jefferson had Jungle Fever

Jefferson freed all of his slaves, except the black ones.

Don't call him "TJ". He hates that.

He was the Great Grandfather of Muddy Waters

His close friends call him by his Gangsta' Name: T-Jeff.

In early July 1776, Jefferson's old buddy Benjamin Franklin brought his latest invention - crack cocaine - to T-Jeff's house. The two went on quite a trip, concluded that the British are suckas and wrote down their observations on a piece of toilet paper, which they titled Declaration of Independence, then moved on to the Constitution. They were about to write the clause that grants equal rights to all races and genders, when G-Wash and his crew came by. Afraid that their old time friend would bum their crack, they hid the remaining stash in some old bell they found in Jefferson's attic.

He was co-author of the Bible.

He was a very funny drunk.

A little known fact; he was actually Morpheus in disguise, which might explain his obsession with black booty.

He was screwing a 16 year old slave named Sally Hemmings, who turned out to be a gold-digging African spy working for the Kenyans, who were planning an invasion of the weak nation by rebelling all of America's slaves and creating a super black America. But then she fell in love with him and you know.

Was the inspiration for TV's T.J. Hooker

[edit] See also

v • d • e

Presidents of the United States of America

It is also maintained that this supposed poet and master of prose penned the Declaration of Independence, along with several other texts of reverence. This information is erroneous. Jefferson made use of a ghostwriter whose name, conveniently enough, was also Thomas Jefferson. However, contemporary historians don't really give a fuck.

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Categories: US Politics | Politicians | People for whom Quotes are Made up | US Presidents