Thomas Pain
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- Note: Pain's name is often Francified to "Paine" because in French, "pain" is a concept synonymous with "bread". It's some kind of Bohemian thing.
Thomas Paine(1737 in Great Britain – 1809 in New York City), known by many as simply "T-Pain" , was a revolutionary masochist and rapper of Colonial America. Straight outta Thetford, T-Paine was a straight-up thug who didn't take shit from nobody. Represent.
Until age ten, he made money torturing himself in a freakshow purpely on the basis of his name. Following his retirement, he founded Xanga. Johnny Knoxville cites Paine as a key influence in his entertainment career. He also enjoyed starting nasty rumors about George Washington behind his back.
[edit] The war
During the American Revolution, he wrote his pamphlet, Common Sense, stating that war "was common sense because war causes pain and pain is good" on his blog. He then left, started fighting against the British, but quit because it wasn't painful enough. He did, however kill his father Lord Cornwallis in an epic duel by impaling them both with his sword, winning the battle of Waterloo. Pain survived.
[edit] Later life and death
Pain gained notoriety later in life with his blog The Age of Raisins, a scathing indictment of the breakfast cereal industry. The publication earned him vilification from the Kellogg Company, but Pain ultimately triumphed, as boycotts of the company eventually resulted in Kellog's capitulation, and their compliance with the "Two Scoops" petition made by Pain's vast readership.
Pain founded the religion Emo. He posted its religious texts on Xanga. This made him unpopular with the Church, and they tried beating him, but he enjoyed it, so they let him live. They deciede to confiscate his sharp objects since he said his life was misery without pain. However his worst enemy was one he trusted, and that's what killled him. He was a lover of the Burger King but due to his opposition of absolute monarchy, the King killed him with an overdose of morphine.
He then shortened his name to T-Pain and began writing rap music. After succeeding in the music industry, he met and married fellow musician J'Lo
“T-Pain? We in the bed like ooo! ooo ohh!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Thomas Pain
[edit] See also
 This article isn't happy enough. That's right! You should Teach it to be happy! I'll teach your Grandmother to suck eggs!
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