Thorpe Park
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- This article is about the English theme park. For the Lincolnshire village, see shithole.
“You wouldn't catch me on that death trap”
~ Thorpe Park's ride inspector on Colossus
Thorpe Park is a park in Thorpe. It is actually located in London, England, so care must be taken when driving to the park. It is suggested that all car doors and windows locked and all limbs to be kept inside the car at all times. It was built in 1979 on the site of a cesspit which was partially flooded to make the park smaller. The park's first large roller coaster, Colossus, was added in 2002 and to this day has had nearly a whole hours worth of maintenance .
- Location: Chertsey, United Kingdom
- Operating Season: February to November
- Rides Open: May to August (Stealth open one morning in June if no repair work is needed)
- Area: 5km
- Rides: 24 total, 3 are usually operating on a given day.
- Slogan: Join the queue for real fun!
Contents |
[edit] History
The park was opened in 1914 by Henry VIII. The main attraction at the time was the first catapult attraction in the UK, where which small cats were launched from rubber bands into the surrounding cesspit. Other early attractions include X:\What The F*&# and Tidal Wave (known as Titanic at that time). Both these rides continue to stand (but not always operate) to this day.
[edit] Creche Service
There is a creche service available. To access the parks child care facilities simply give each child £60 and send them to a drink vending machine and then leave. Your children can be picked up from the lost and found office at the end of the day conveniently located by the park exit.
[edit] Food and Drink
Refreshments are a little on the pricey side at £60 per bottle of water, but that is a small price to pay to stop kidney failure due to dehydration.
All the usual fast food outlets are present, ranging from KFC to Nemesis Nosh. The staff are friendly for Londoners and remember, unless you want special sauce, do not engage in laughing at their low-income jobs until after you receive your food.
[edit] Attractions
[edit] Port Atlantis
The main attraction of this large pointless dome is the bar. This is an essential part of every visit as a crafty shot of cheeky vimto in between every ride makes for a more interesting day. Anything takes the edge off the freezing temperatures of a hot English summer.
[edit] Amity Cove
The main attraction in Amity Cove is Tidal Wave, built in 1827 and shipped over from France. It is an old favourite. The ride takes riders 100 feet in the air and drops them into a slightly damp sponge far below. For those of you that don't want to risk piles from walking around in damp thongs all day a 0.5 watt heater/dryer is available for £30 a minute. It is also the first ride the TPC from Dulwich College will attend on the 7th of June 2008 (along with 7 TPVs).
Thorpe Parks newest attraction, Humdinger Stealth can be found here, but since it is stealthy, it is not easy to find. Stealth is a pioneering new rubber band launch hyper-active disorder coaster that takes 60mg of Ritalin before shooting riders out of the station several inches into the sky. If you need to find the maintenance team (a man called Bob) he can normally be found scratching his head while looking at the rubber bands under this ride.
[edit] Lost City
The Lost City is a hard place to write about and an even harder place to find (which is why its hard to write about). When you finally find the Lost City it is worth the hunt because there is:
- Vortex, a roundabout
- Rush, a swing
- Enterprise, another roundabout..
And Colossus, the parks first real roller coaster. Built in 1952 by Intamin, a company notable for creating unreliable (and dangerous) rides, Colossus is the worlds first money extraction coaster, and has been cleverly designed to remove all your spare change, body piercings, belly button fluff, and small children from your possession. To save money, the park maintenance team (Bob) has removed all the wheels from this ride to save greasing the bearings. The sound of grinding metal can be heard all over London, even above the constant sound of gun shots.
[edit] Calypso Quay
[edit] Nemesis
Nemesis Inferior is an attempt to make a ride like Nemesis at Alton Towers. The designers failed to top the reputation of the original Nemesis, but at least it was still better than Infusion at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. If you have back problems, heart conditions, intoxication, impotency, or old age, this is the ideal ride for you. Nemesis leaves the station then enters a cave of dry ice to fuck up any asthmatics, then it does something else and then returns back to the station. This is the longest ride in the park and takes a staggering fifteen seconds to complete the circuit.
The main similarities of this ride to the Nemesis in Alton Towers (besides the name) is the teenage, pregnant, spotty staff, which I am assured that they have all attended the two hour course on advanced roller coaster operation procedures and checking safety belts.
[edit] Detonator
Just outside the KFC take-away is every anorexic's favorite ride, Detonator. This one hundred foot high stomach pump is designed to help even the fattest of fatties lose weight. It is fun for all the family.
[edit] Rumba Rapids
After a hectic day, what's better than to hide in a wet and dark cave? Ensure you don't lift an arse cheek off the seat as the staff won't hesitate to scream at you over a nearby speaker. Rumba Rapids and all the park's water rides pump their water fresh from the cesspit surrounding the park, to ensure you still have that Thorpe Park Smell weeks after your visit.
[edit] Other rides
Pirates 4D is like a 3D cinema but one better; it's 4D.
[edit] Neptune's Kingdom
Any other pointless attraction from the days before rides were invented is the beach. The beach is a Plaster of Paris mock up of a beach, complete with realistic water, sharp shells and sharks. What better way to spend the day after paying the price of a small London apartment to enter the park, than to sit on a pretend beach?
[edit] Virtual Q
Another new attraction to this park is the Virtual Q, in which you join a long queue line that goes right around the park. Every few hours, riders get to see a sign saying things like two hours from this point, until they leave the queue line back they started. Hours of fun for everyone.
[edit] Single Rider Queue
Thorpe Park is the ideal place to go if you are single, smell of BO, or just have no friends. People socially challenged can get to jump the queue line.
[edit] Fright Nights
Special nights are held every year called Fright Nights, where Bob sits down and tells everyone just how little work he does and points out general important repairs he can't be arsed to do. The evening finishes off with a terrifying ride on the ever decaying Colossus.
[edit] Awards
Thorpe Park has received many awards,a few are listed below:
- Best theme park in Thorpe.
- Smallest hyper-coaster in the world (Stealth)
- Worst maintained coaster in the universe (Colossus)
- World's Longest Queue Line (tied with Space Mountain)
