Thoth
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Thoth is the Egyptian god of Wisdom and composer of the famous song 'Ra Ra, Rasputin' about the chief god Ra and his good chum Ras Putin, ancestor of the current Russian president, Vladimir Putin.
You can tell he is wise by his large beak which is used for sucking small invertebrates of wisdom out of the muddy shores of the Nile. Such invertebrates have become rare since the Nile was damned by Christians in 1971 as an evil pagan river. As such, wisdom is rare in Nileland (aka Egypt if you need to save on vowels) and people often try to eat the pyramids.
Thoth had the head of an ibis and the body of a man, unlike Michael Jackson who has the head of a monkey and the body of a monkey.
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[edit] Achievements of Thoth
Thoth was a thoroughly thoughtful thellow who thought of thousands of things. Here are thome of them
- Foundational Epiphany of Conscious Existence
Thoth created physical, metaphysical, and the ultraphysical, from the reflection of his self being arced through the walls of atmospheric earth curvature. This has also been known by many theologists as the "Self Reflective Upper Juxtaposition of Light, Shadow, and turbulent Souls Theory".
- The Endless Ring of Spiral Retribution
Relying on an unfathomable wind of elemental spiritual energy, Thoth cast forth into the dark corners of physical reality as we knew it (and as he created prior in the Foundational Epiphany of Conscious Existence) and grabbed hold of the inner-correlated cone of the extended light pyramid which had been operational since the Tryphon Period of "Outer Light". This eternal twisting of inner space upon itself cast waves of turbulent light into oncoming regions of future string realities, ultimately resulting in the destruction of those alternate string realities. This came to be known, affectionately, as the Endless Ring of Spiral Retribution, an existential toll that all mortals have come to pay with their lives.
[edit] Most remarkable inventions
- Thoth gave to the Egyptians the gift of letters. Before that, they just smacked their heads against walls to leave a braille message. No long books of that era exist.
- Sick of boring letters and pointless, nasty graffiti, Thoth had a better idea and gave the Egyptians pictures. Unlike every other culture who had books, the Egyptians began to write in pictures and illustrate in letters. This made books longer but tags became nicer. See the interior of the Great Pyramid for examples of Egyptian tagging.
- The Egyptians needed a way to transfer water which was inconveniently in the river into more random locations like fields, trees and the upstairs window of Cleopatra's summer palace. To aid them, Thoth gave them the ptah. This was a method by which someone with a big mouth drank as much as they could and spat it over a large distance into the next person's mouth some yards away, hence the name.
- Due to the ptah being what it was, Thoth next invented the bucket chain. This meant people could use the bucket like a slingshot on its chain and throw it and the water the distance instead. Those who had been used as scribes before the invention of letters were given the job of being a catcher.
- Seeing how the Egyptians now had buns but nothing to go in them, Thoth invented the thothage. Due to Ptolemy the Fourth (the revenge of the Ptolemy) having an anti-lisp, it became known as the sausage. The Egyptians were so keen on this concept that anything that was publicly displayed that looked like a sausage was immediately destroyed.
- After the population of Egypt went dangerously low, Thoth worked out what was amiss and gave the men underpants. This stopped sausage related problems.
- The inventions stopped around 1000BC with the invention of the brain in Italy and China. In Italy, spaghetti was used; in China it was noodles. Thoth invented neither of these so took up fish-ing instead in disgust.
[edit] Hobbies
- Fish-ing
Wise, but dull
[edit] Where is he now?
Thoth can now be found moonlighting as the leader of the Green Party of England. If he paid more attention to what he was doing instead of fish-ing they might actually go somewhere.
He also sometimes brings out patents on inventions under pseudonyms. Examples are the windmill under the name of Mr Windmill and the vaccum cleaner under the name Mr Vaccum-Cleaner.
[edit] Are you as wise as Thoth?
If you can spot how many times "Thoth" was said in this passage, you are very wise.
Look down for answers.
- If you guessed less than 18, you missed the title and contents or the fact it is said in the first pronunciation of 'sausage' and are quite dim.
- If you guessed Thoth was said 18 times, you missed the time I said it here and are a bit dim.
- If you guessed Thoth was said 19 times, you missed the time I said it here and are a bit less dim.
- If you guessed it was said 20 times, you are half-wise.
- If you spotted I haven't actually said it at all and have only written it, you are very wise indeed and may even survive a one on one with a Dalek.
- If you couldn't be bothered at all to guess and just read the answers because it's a pointless endeavour anyway then you are truly as wise as the Ibis headed god himself.
