Thurston

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“I like firstunn”

~ Lemar-bar on thurston

“The nightlife here is excellent there are at least '1' Gay bars”

~ Mannings on Thurston's nightlife

“I own thurston!”

~ local mayor and / or local gangster on Thurston

[edit] Introduction

This Village was once said to be a 'myth' and was thought not too exist, but as of yesterday local peasants, 'Margret Alley-boo Hangey' and 'John Alley-boo Hangey' decided that they believed in Thurston too much to let this be the case and took it upon themselves to search the harsh wilderness of Suffolk to find it, and they did. They found it situated about three and a half miles east of Bury St Edmunds and approximately 2,615.13 miles from the north pole. scientists are currently working on Photographic evidence that suggests Thurston may actually be a 'Hoax' pulled by local milkmen or inferior jokers of that sort.

a white donkeys peasants

[edit] Culture

The Villages of suffolk are always mysterious to say the least, let alone a village that was only discovered yesterday, although the few details that we do realise after hard labour to find them is as follows;

• There is a duck pond about 5 metres wide and 7.2 metres long, it is a cylindrical shape such as this character, 'O'. It consists of one duck because local gangster / 'ard-man chris punt (lawl rearrange the first letters of his name, bet his parents are well proud ;-D) killed all the other 6, twas a fairly sad day.

• There is a 1 metre (1/1000th of a kilometre) wall that surrounds the perimeter which you may not think as much of an obstacle but at least when the army of geriatrix unite they will not reach thurston!

• There are two lemar-bars that occupy this tribe and college, unfortuanately they must have been mixed up with the african tribe 'Tuurton' in Lemar-Bar airways (the darkest way to travel) on their way to get the annual supplies of one piece of water and two pieces of white crayon to colour themselves in with.

• there is a medium sized carrot patch which grows very large carrot's in order to fit in mrs Forrde's bucket, she collects her carrots from the patch every morning and puts them all in her bucket, you may say to her not to 'put all the eggs in one basket' as it were, she will not listen to you though, instead she replies 'if they fit in, why worry?', a local ginger of the name Darril gave her a 'Tesco value carrot', she took offence to this and suspended him for one day?!

• The village is twinned with Guantanamo Bay. Various projects are organised between these two places for example hockey tournaments and finger-skating competitions.

[edit] Nightlife

"The nightlife here is excellent there are at least '1' Gay bars", and a post office, also there is a pub where the farmers, teachers and peseants go after a hard days grind to drink some fine ale, it is known locally as 'the fox and hound' there once was a fox and coincidentally a hound the hound was owned by a man and the fox was owned by no-one, the hound found the fox and they built a public house on top of where this interesting event happened, that is why it became known as the fox and hound pub. There are always at least 15 out of 3521 sluts working as whores in the 'Fox and Hounds public house' each night, some of the regular users of this facility are Louis, stray Manning's off of the street and old man O'Hare when his wife has taken over the television, the usual price for 10 minutes in one of the many bedrooms upstairs is just five english pounds 50 pence, although it is always much cheaper if you seduce the slut, give her date-rape drugs such as Rohypnol and quickly drive to the nearest church and then force her to sleep in the attick and tell her either to satisfy you or you will bite off her other nipple, although this method can be quite time consuming. To eat out you may not find the Fox and Hounds neccaserily to your taste so may want to decide on looking elsewhere, the chippy for all your fishy / chippy needs.

[edit] Daylife

There are many beings out in the day such as old ladies, they are always walking past for some reason, and people that are trimming the never ceasing to grow damn hedges, people not asleep / nocturnal and animals that are also not nocturnal (my favourite is the Manning, my worst is the emo / emu). In the daytime there are lots of amazing things to see that are not available to see in the night time, for example light and grass, these are but a few of many. The pub is open most times, so should not really be mentioned here, but the post office and unforuanately the college are open during the day-light hours. Whores are asleep so their legs are not open (apart from to rapists).

[edit] Tourism

The type of tourists that veture into this village probably live in a more disturbed village, there is a small B&B (Bed and Breakfast) in the middle of the village near the post office, the bed is hard and the breakfast is just corn flakes so overall it does not excel in either of the things it advetises so it is not really very good. The pub is the only real place to eat in but does contain a, considered awful, smell of the finest ale for half a mile around. For entertainment suggestions please consult the 'nightlife' section and after doing this think very wisely if this is the place for your holiday.
people who have recently visited;

• Students
• Teachers
• Postmen
• People who live there
• Migrating geese
• Fred
• Milkmen
• Small people who are fed up with small places
• Cockneys
• Chavs
• Cars
• Tourists (obviously)
• Commuters
• Retards

and last but not least

• Traveling circus folk

if unfortuanately i missed one or two feel free to add them to this list.

[edit] How to buy...

Sweets; first of all the shop are continuosly making it harder to buy sweets as now you cannot take in your bag and only one school child at a time, so you cannot buy sweets straight into your bag but the ten times worse method of actually having to pay.

Drifter bars; the boy who used to go around selling drifters has now finished his time at Thurston and has recently opened up a large retail outlet selling drifters extremely over-priced and extremely out of date, it is well worth visiting.

This is one drifter bar, approximately £1.00 if bought from 'drifter kids' shop

Manning's; there is one manning distributer in Thurston at this precise moment and fortuanately Joo (Thurstons sixth most-wanted) has the worlds entire stock.

Narcotiks; these are so easy to get a hold of that the price between local drug dealers has plumeted over the past seven years, the notorius narcotik dealers are Ronald McDonald and some random guy called Josh Jacob.

This is 'Tcc', note to suicide bombers, terrorists and the like of, it is only open the first five days of the english week

[edit] Thurston Community College

Thurston Community College - 'TCC' is a specialist science college as it is said to be by students "Well good" and "Proper great", these quotes have not been confirmed as correct, but we are currently working on it. Thurston Community College is a school located in a quiet corner of England known as, Thurston or 'shithole'. It occupies nearly all of the chav's that inhabit the neighbouring villages, well all the ones that have managed to stay past year 8 and not:
-Get pregnant
-Be raped
-Die
-Kicked out of school
-Die from drug abuse (Pritt sticks, etc)
-Die from alcohol abuse (0.5% and below)

This school is very closey monitored by Ofsted, and should be avoided for health reasons when possible. If you step within 5 metres of its looming fences, then you will attract around 10 paedophiles and 2 rapists and that's just from within the school.

Ginger people infest this area and it is a code orange area. Any personnel found within the area that have not already been brainwashed or raped/molested will be dealt with asap. You HAVE been warned.

[edit] TCC Sixth form

Sixth Form is the recently given name for the unemployed, sixth form is basically the further education of lessons you were supposed to have learnt over the past eleven years you have had to endure school. The sixth form 'hall' is a room in which sixth form students gloat over having better toilet facilities than the main school, this is because they do not have young people smoking and generally being hard-men in there, they also actually use the toilets for what they are for not for masturbating in, bullying in, and eating in. You can nearlly always find marks on the seat inside a cubicle, these may be from any of the afore mentioned, if it is not a mark it will be the large excrement someone 'forgot' to flush or the graffiti on the side which will most definitely say somewhere 'I hate jews' or '... is gay', so to conclude, sixth formers are lazy and have toilets to envy.

[edit] Secret places

One secret place in Thurston is the old 'snack shack' it is easy to find if you know where it is, if you do not you probably will never find it, or at least not for like 2 years or something. if you live in thurston you may know that if you walk really fast through the post office doors you will be either transported to the opposite end of the village, or told to slow down by somone working there, this is the way that people from thurston can 'magically' appear at matt's house when you saw them just one and a half minutes ago going towards the post office. there is one more secret place, it is the bakers 'Oh Crumbs sandwich bar' where you can buy bread and whiskey if you whisper "Hmm, hot weather out there, I may have to cross the road and buy some whiskey, unless you have some", this is the secret way to ask for whiskey in Firstunn. Make sure you do not tell anyone, these secrets is just betweens you's and me's, ok?

[edit] 'The Locals'

These are a group of people that come together every week, and draw up ideas of how to keep thurston village exactly the same as it has been for nearly 5 months now, since they moved the old 'snack shack' to the other side of the college, now it can be called 'The Shit Shack' as it is shit and is in a shed. The club / group called 'the locals' consists of one builder, two milkmen, one duck, the landlord to the fox and hounds, thirty-nine farmers and a local school child aged ten called LZ, the group clubhouse is held by one member of the group each week, this week it is LZ's and is in his tree house, next week it is John Alley-Boo Hangey's turn and he shall host it in his peasant-shack. If you would like to join 'The Locals, please submit a form telling them your name, adress, gender and occupation within the village to 1 thurston road thurston, saffak. Once your form has been accepted then you will have to take part in three enrolment trials;
1.) read the book of locals once learnt off by heart.
2.) Learn the language of the locals, 'Notsruht' mainly it is just clicks and whistles, it is a made up language, none of the members as far as we know, actually no what they are each saying.
3.) and last but not least, kill a local chav female from the college between the 9th year and the 11th year and eat her corps in front of the elders, whilst making sure not to spill any blood on the holy local-milkman.

Once you have completed these tasks a secret task of nipping down to the post office and buying a years supply of stamps for the elders to send junkmail about their club to neighbouring houses is then asked of the trainee 'Local'.

[edit] Cuisine

There is no longer the luxurious cuisine of the vending machines and they have decided that all the residents can eat out of a trough in the cafateria called 'The Salad Bar', it is not a bar and the salad consists of pizza toppings from the day before, carrots from mrs Forrdes vegatable patch, the ones that could not fit in her bucket and lard recently scooped from the rolls from students who eat this foul, unedible swill which is too horrifying to feed Swine with. The old snack shack used to serve caviar and grilled snails with a hint of basil, this was particularly ravishing when washed down with a chilled bottle of Ribena, although they have now decided to take away the vending machines and replace them with the cafateria in which you have no choice but to buy appletiser.