Tiberius

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“To Tiberius with the Tiber!!”

~ The Roman Senate on a solution to Tiberius' desire to have a river flow through his bedroom

You! Yes, you!. The way you are gazing at the Princeps is treasonous. Perhaps you don't really want your estate of 100,000 sisterti! Or your life! Or your shapely wife! That'll do nicely! Now, get in the Tiber! Hail Caesar!

“Oh, it's easy. You just get really pissed-up and then thrown into a swimming pool wearing a red cloak”

~ Peter O'Toole on playing Tiberius

“Everybody may love Me, but nobody loved Tiberius”

~ Raymond on Tiberius

Tiberius (full title Imperator Tiberius Grumpus Caesar Peteria O'Toolius Augustus) was the second First Citizen Emperor of the Roman Empire. Personally chosen as heir by his step-father, the Emperor Augustus for his gleaming white teeth, manly physique and playful character; his reign was to be one of lots of fun partys which were so exciting that not to attend was treasonous.

[edit] Early life

Tiberius was an outgoing, energetic child who never failed to enliven those in his company with his quick wit and infectious, braying, laugh. "I have never known", said Augustus, "a child to so enjoy the lighter and playful side of life. One time he stole two of my legions and hid them somewhere in the palace. I kept appealing to him "Tiberius, give me back my legions!" but he never let on where they were and I had to raise more at enormous personal expense. The scamp!". Tiberius suffered terribly from facial pimples in his youth but he soon got rid of these by inventing vitamin C. His spotty complexion did not continue into middle-age and to claim that it did is treason.

[edit] Military commander

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Tiberius.

Augustus loved Tiberius' crazy jokes and comedic antics, but felt that his stepson's real genius would lie in military command. He sent the young man to the German frontier where he planned to have Tiberius quell the violent and aggressive peoples who had settled there and thus make the empire safe. Tiberius attempted to channel the urges of these barbarians with laughter and arranged for the formation of a "Northern Marches Comedy Festival" in which Tiberius would compere some of the empire's finest comedic talent. Unfortunately this bold move failed because the barbarian peoples of Germania were found to have no sense of humour. At all. This deficiency continues to this day.

[edit] Emperor

Tiberius mysanthropically harassed Roman plebs, who have to stand there and take it.

After Augustus died (and, man, did he hang around for a bit) Tiberius finally succeeded him as ruler of the world and the moon. Annoyingly, Tiberius was now in his fifties and all that naughty naked body-bouncing he'd been looking forward to and that is a right of Roman Emperors was difficult oweing to viagra not being invented for another 2000 years. This really annoyed Tiberius and his jolly demeanour was frequently replaced by his being a grumpy old sourpuss. Tiberius tried to keep up his good mood by throwing regular partys which the leading Senators and the Consuls were expected to attend. Despite the lavish banquets and Tiberius' booking of popular musicians and poets the partys weren't all that popular since most of the Romans in attendance wanted to get back to work and, y'know, stop the Thracians raiding over the border and stuff. Tiberius took this personally and, in a fit of pique at one party, had all those who weren't clearly having fun arrested and charged with treason. After he'd had them executed, he inherited all their estates. He liked this, since not only was it an easy income but it paid for more and more partys! In his capacity as Pontifus Maximus he had the senate approve a long list of treasonable offences.

Treasonable offences under Tiberius

• Having unevenly-sized feet
• Possessing a treasonous nose
• Being a jew on a Monday
• Being morose in a wineshop
• Farting twice in the space of ten minutes
• Failing to robot-dance on the entrance of the Emperor or a Consul
• Having more than 150,000 sisterti in savings
• Failing to attend one of Caesar's partys on reception of invite
• Failing to enjoy one of Caesar's partys
• Making innappropriate comments about the musical acts hired by Caesar such as "not really my thing" or "I preferred his early stuff"
• Failing to appreciate how much money and time Caesar has put into these partys
• Owning a ginger wig

Tiberius kept on partying, the Roman legal system kept on prosecuting and the Praetorians kept on executing. By the latter part of his reign, the Emperor had saved up a billion in sisterti and arranged for the "progressive harp" musical collective Rosa Floyius to play a spectacular show at the circus maximus which he arranged to end with the group being torn to pieces by lions. Having decided that his reign had reached its peak he announced his withdrawal from public life to the senate:

And I say to all five of you in this August body, I feel the time is right to withdraw from public life and semi-retire to my new party-villa on Capri. I will of course be having a really big party to celebrate the villa-warming which you are all invited to! *groan from Senator Julius Sternius followed by his quick marching from the senate chamber and execution* I expect you all to be there. After this, I will take my Praetorian to keep me company and act as bouncers and expect the senate to deal with all the boring stuff like wars and administration. Although I'm still emperor! Don't any of you fuckers try anything! Not that there are many of you left to try anything. I know I've been a little free and easy with the executions but omelettes and eggs and all that. Actually, you might want to arrange to repopulate this place a bit. Lot of empty seats these days. Anyway, these are the words of Tiberius Caesar. Hail me!

-Tiberius' famous final speech to the Roman senate.

[edit] Self-imposed Party-exile on Capri

Tiberius spent his final days living it large on Capri with wine, food and the company of his "little fishies". There were many scandalous rumours in Rome about the sexual depravity the emperor indulged in Capri but, alas, due to the continuing non-invention of viagra they were untrue.

Whilst Tiberius was in Capri he was joined by his jolly, party-loving nephew Caligula and so took to the boy that he named him his heir for a laugh. The rest is history (thanks, Tiberius).

[edit] Hang on! What happened to those legions he hid?

Glad you asked. He hid them in the wardrobe. They probably got bored and wandered off to Narnia or somewhere like that but they might still be there. You never know.

[edit] See also

• George W Bush
• Hugo Chavez