Tim Burton
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Tim Burton (April 1st, 1958-December 27, 2007) was the half brother of Severus Snape who was known best for creating dark themed movies that include brief nudity scenes for children in an attempt to simply scare the piss out of them for pleasure and self-satisfaction, which he tries to get on video from time to time for the sake of engaging in his own personal laughing spree. During the late 80s and early 90s, Burton was known infamously for slapping babies and stealing donated toys from charity networks across the globe without even thinking twice about it, with the exception of the time he stole from his own pregnant nephew. His movie directing career was fueled after he robbed enough banks to obtain a large sum of money before hiring famous blind and deaf movie directors to help him make popular box-office hit movies, which would later result to Burton making the decision to hire a hit-man to kill these directors three days before the film was to be released. It's been annually reported by a leading team of cold-hearted, robot-investigators who work for the National Enquirer, that Burton continues to produce ideas for movies himself and no longer resorts to hiring other movie directors to do his work before having them whacked, which simply explains, without the slightest bit of hesitation, the fact that his "Planet of the Apes" movie was hailed to be, "a piece of junk", by just about everybody who works for the New York Times, Washington Post and various Old Navy Stores in the state of Nebraska.
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[edit] Early life
Tim Burton was raised Christmasless for fourteen years by his mother and father, who ultimately decided they would teach him everything there is to know about Chinese food before finally exposing him to the natural things in our world's society, like cars, holidays, television, etc. Of course, the plan was disbanded after they came to the realization that they'd rather spend the rest of their lives playing with themselves and eating Lays Potato Chips while watching their pet dog mawl a baby kittens. It's documented in a series of...documents...that Burton's parents both allegedly abused Burton based off of a very rare mental condition of sudden impulsiveness every other Friday evening, which was only the result from eating too many chips. When Burton was seven years old, he drank a gallon of paint thinner in front of his school peers for $5.00 and nearly died on the scene until it just so happened that a registered nurse and medical doctor, both with a degree in quantum physics, decided to save Burton's life in hopes he would become a famous movie director or at least a featured candidate on a box of Wheaties. During his school years prior to the paint thinner incident, he was known to verbally assault desks and physically assault teachers with a type of mischievous grin that Dennis the Menace would have. His posture while he sat in chairs prompted him to be called, "A Younger Version of Papa Smurf" by both classmates and teachers, which continues to devastate him drastically in a sense of psychological eating disorders to this day. When High School arrived, he just assumed he'd get high all the time based off of pressure from his heroin-addicted principal, which he obviously assumed wrong because he would end up drinking himself until he was numb in the feet instead. In the end, he passed High School with GPA of "HOLY HELL!" and eventually went off to study and major in Applesauce Producing at Arizona State Penitentiary.
[edit] Movie career
Burton the Cripped out thug rider was growing sick of living off of marshmallow puff and watching black and white cartoons that contained no real interest other than the carefully drawn background scenes, Burton decided one day after grocery shopping for apples and witnessing a car accident that resulted to the fatality of two children who had suffered from autism's disease, that he wanted to instead make cartoons for the Children's Miracle Network. However, with nearly all his savings spent on fish food, bottle-rockets, cheap soda brands, neck-ties, sunglasses, spark plugs, pillow cases, egg rolls, those packs of twisty ties that come in sets of three near pharmacy areas that specialize in giving pointers on illegal drugging techniques, car stereos and other necessities in life, Burton found himself to be as poor as a poor man's bitch. With a general understanding of the high demand on low-budget movies, Burton eventually retreated to his two bedroom mobile home for a year and a half, where he spent day by day making blue prints and writing in detail within sixty-four spiral notebooks and three napkins on how he'd motivate himself to rob banks that contained a decreasing employee rate. Thus, he was responsible nearly three and half years later for the millions of dollars that were missing from various, certain banks and dodged the court system by means of bribery with the money he collected and set off to make movies with the help of some director's who were both blind and deaf. These director's would later be killed by arsonists disguised as angry hit-men so Burton could claim all the credit for the movies. His first projects included: Vincent's Fish Hooker, Frankendogs are Tasty, Pee-wee Peas and Sloppy Keys, Beetlejuice 'N Me, Bat Me Up Scotty, Edward's Lovely Lady Scissorhands, The Wet Nightmare Before Christmas, Ed's Wood and o bunch of others that also sound like a bunch of low-budget porno films.
[edit] Recent years
Tim Burton currently resides in Los Angeles where he sells hemp lotion and is married to one of the three witches from Mac Beth. He continues to be a leading source of inspiration when it comes to stop-motion pictures and has giving up on shaving and looks old now. Whenever he goes back to making films, he will always cast his wife as the leading female, despite reports of favoritism Burton claims she actually does audition, though this has never been proven with audtion tapes or casting agents, much like God. Burton has said he often thinks about "George Lucasing" his older films by digitally putting his wife into them. Giving her larger parts, possibly even removing all other female roles.
[edit] Affiliation with Corpses
Burton has been assumed to be part of an elaborate scheme to brain-wash the innocent youth population of the world with repeated exposure to zombies, corpses and the like. Though denied by Burton himself, we must take into account the obvious Pro-Corpseness displayed in several of the man's movies, namely Johnny Depp. It has been speculated that this is part of the greater scheme, spearheaded by Blackula to raise the dead once again and wreack havoc upon an unsuspecting number of innocents. Satan has nothing to say on the matter, however he did threaten to kill me.
[edit] Trivia
- He doesn't wash his hands very often unless somebody makes fun of his dirty hands.
- He considers himself to be a pacifist even though he brutally murdered seven girl scouts over the price of their cookies.
- He was spotted at a McDonalds with Rachael Ray on Thanksgiving Day of 2001.
- He doesn't know what bench pressing means but he has a close relationship with several bodybuilders.
- During the making of The Wet Nightmare Before Christmas, he engaged in baby slave labor.
- He still wears diapers and seems to be very, very, very, very, proud of that.
- He really, really, really, REALLY hates Kevin Smith
- He begged 20th Century Fox to let him remake "That Monkey movie!" They gave him Planet of the Apes, but he meant Born to be Wild.
- While posing for a photo at the premiere of Sweeney Todd, Johnny Depp slit Burton's throat with what he thought was a fake razor.
- Tim Burton owns Johnny Depp. when Johnny Depp first started starring in Burton's movies, Tim started to fall in love with him and, when he discovered that he couldn't have him, decided that no one could. On the set of Edward Scissorhands, Tim dropped some sort of Rohypnol like substance (Believed to be his own urine) into Depp's drink. When Depp woke up, he was chained to a wall in Tim's mum's basement, forever to be imprisoned and forced to act in Burton's movies in fear of not having any cake in his lunches.
[edit] Films
- Batman (music by Danny Elfman)
- Johnny Depp and the cartoons (music by Danny Elfman)
- Batmanjuice: batman as a dead guy (music by Danny Elfman)
- Johnny Depp and the scissors(music by Danny Elfman)
- Johnny Depp plays the director(music by Danny Elfman)
- Johnny Depp and the Horseman (music by Danny Elfman)
- Johnny Depp, My wife and the chocolate (music by Danny Elfman)
- Johnny Depp, my wife and the cartoons (music by Danny Elfman)
- My wife and the fish (music by Danny Elfman)
- My wife and the apes (music by Danny Elfman)
- Johnny Depp, My wife and the scissors go to London (music by Stephen Sondheim..with help from Danny Elfman)
- Danny Elfman (music by the Scissor Sisters)
