Tim the Enchanter

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“Death awaits you all, with nasty, big, pointy teeth!”

~ Tim the Enchanter on King Arthur

The mysterious, fire(works)-loving, horn-helmed, robed, foul-mouthed, and bearded wizard Tim. The sworn enemy of the Black Beast of AAAARGH!, although too much of a pussy to kill it himself. His actual name is Timotheüs Pliny Vergil Ovid Homer Plutarch Richardson the MCCCXXXVIIth, so naturally he would prefer to be called Tim. His current residence is Hell. When he died in prison after being arrested for setting bonfires to the Big Ben, he got an offer from That Dude Upstairs to come in heaven but Tim preferred the fiery depths of damnation, mostly because of his rather unhealthy fetish for fire. He also gets nice little earnings from Satan for keeping the hellfire burning, though legend says he spends it all on petrol in the local Hellish Convinience Store.

[edit] The life and death of the one who some call Tim

Tim was born in Quegsburgh, Scotland in the year 1234, and also happened to be the 1337th in the family line of Richardson. He didn't care really, though, since 1337 wasn't invented yet. He grew up in a happy and loving family, until by some unfortunate coincidence a Grue came by and ate his family. The only 7 years old Tim vowed for revenge, and therefore he has a grudge against anything fluffy and furry. That, and they happen to burn well. After vowing for revenge he set his house on fire, and consumed by madness, only consumed flint ant tinder. Also he developed an unusual tendency to dye the sides of his beard dark brown. Gandalf took him in custody and taught him the art of pyromancy, which has since then become a fetish for Tim. After Gandalf pulled a joke on Tim by making him fart fire, Tim burned his house too.

After burning Gandalf's house, he joined The Knights Who Say Ni. He was then already 103 years old, but since he's a wizard, he looks no older than 75 (that's pretty lame!). He got dismissed from the Order of the Knights Who Say Ni because he could not control his pyromancy and set the Knights' shrubberies on fire. Deeply angered and saddened by what happened, Tim went to live in the mountains as a hermit, where he sat all the time being ominous and blowing things up for absolutely no reason. Eventually he joined up with King Arthur in their quest for the Holy Grail, but it turned out to be nothing more than an excuse to set stuff on fire. After being let down by Arthur, he set the Big Ben on fire. Unfortunatly he got arrested and died in prison because of an underexposure to flint and tinder. In the afterlife God offered him a place in heaven, because of his aid in the quest for the Holy Grail. Unfortunatly, piromancy was not allowed in heaven, so Tim naturally preferred Hell.

[edit] What Tim likes

Fire, tinder, flint, you, fire, petrol, Hell, Awesome Violence and Explosions!, beer (who doesn't?), being ominous, his beard, fire, toilets, laptops, sink cleaner, fries, Oscar Wilde, himself, shrubberies (they burn pretty damn well), Holy Handgrenades, haggis, chili and C2H6O.

[edit] What Tim DOESN'T like

Grues, furry things, rabbits, King Arthur, me, company, Roman writers, Gandalf, or any other wizard for that matter, Internet, 3li73 +|-|1|\|6z, Wikipedia, Black Beast of AAAARGH!, politics, cats, hippies, nonsense, firemen, the Big Ben, chemistry and C8H10N4O2.