Time

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Jump to: navigation, search

“THERE IS NO TIME!”

~ Jack Bauer on Time

“Time is relative, and space is friend.”

~ srn347 on time

“In Soviet russia, time ponders YOU!.”

~ Russian reversal on time

“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a Banana.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Flies

“Things are more like they are than they ever have been.”

~ Dwight D. Eisenhower on time.... and the fifties.

“There is no time!”

~ Guanom on Link grabbing his stuff.

“People say time is money, then they say money is the root of all evil, then they say time flies, so does that mean the root of all evil can fly!!!! Ah fuck it!”

~ Randy Quaid on Time

Time

Time is easy to waste. It also appears to hate Adolf Hitler and Saddam Hussein.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Time.

[edit] The Discovery Of Time

The first rewinded example of time was found in a number spoken by Billie Piper in 1873, in which she described being early for a breakfast party. Unfortunately she was never given any cash for this discovery until long after her death in 1654 ^{[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]}. Einstein put a lot of pepper into trying to find the sauce of time and to try and collect time itself. He used an apparatus similar to an empty hourglass which collected time in the bottom. Unfortunately, before Einstein finished his experiment, his pet cat, Mr. Tiggles, knocked the hourglass over and this time was released. Little known to Einstein this was very fortunate for a Russian family (living in Russia ^{[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]}), for the time that he had collected was their time and they had been frozen in time for the length of the 4 year experiment. Incidently this rapid release of time lead to the common misnomer that Stalin made the trains run on time. Happy Bunny also makes a comment on time on his deathbed, saying that "the time has come".

[edit] The Weight of Time

There have been certain dissenters of the popular opinion that time does not have weight-- this however, is false. Time does indeed have weight. If time did not have weight, it would then be weightless. One litre of time weights roughly 6.2 kg, liquid time does in fact take the shape of its container but depending on the container it may weigh less, this is due to the WeightTime princible in which weight and time are not seprate entities but in fact one in the same, solid and gas time are completely different things.

TIme is also the abbreviated species name of the Anthropoda Clockulus bird. A bird that flies extremely fast when it is having fun, but goes very slow otherwise.

[edit] A Brief History of Time

There are 12 prevailing schools of thought on the History of Time.

Theory # -1

Time has happened, is happening, and will happen. It just did, and what would have happened then just did and now has happened. That phenomenon, known as the "Holy Shit, My Head Hurts" phenomenon, is constantly occurring and will forever occur, and has just occurred.

Theory # 0

Time could be NOW... Or even NOW... But not yesterday... That is past... NOW... What is written NOW... Is NOW past... So the time has gone...

NOW!!!

Theory # 1 Time was invented by Thomas Edison in 1803 BLT when he was sitting under a strawberry tree and and a car fell on his head. He went into his Malibu mansion to take a bath. While he was in the bath, he looked at the water he displaced and he thought to himself, "It must have taken a long time for an apple to grow from a strawberry tree", so he invented a device to monitor how long it takes for an apple to grow from a strawberry tree. It was a funny glass thing where sand flowed from the top to the bottom. He called it "watch". Because people watched it a lot those days.

Thomas Edison along with his team of scientologists divided time into the world standard that we use today.

Seconds (Olde English)- a term used when a person goes back to the buffet line to get more food.

1 Second - time it takes for an apple to fall 10 meters (or metres in Olde [or Old in New Englsh] English)
60 seconds - time it takes for 60 pineapples (the existence of pine-apples conveniently mediates the units of apples and trees) to fall 10 meters when they all are dropped at the same time from vertices of a 60-sided regular polygon.

1 Mili-second - 1/100 of a second GMT

1 Jiffy - A type of scottish jig, traditionally performed with lube.

1 Minute = 73 seconds, the difference in time between Michael Moore going on stage and being booed off.

119.53 seconds - the amount of time it takes to pour the perfect pint of guinness.

1 Hour - time it takes to gather up and cook 60 apples in hot Cheese dip.... yummmm

24 Hours - how long it takes to recover from a hangover

1 Day - a year divided by 365 or 1 year multiplied by 1/365

1 Month - 28 or more consecutive days ranging from 28 to 37 (later the maximum amount of days in a month was shortened to 35).

Year - Thomas Edison borrowed the term "year" from the Good Year Blimp when he noticed it could be spotted every 365 days on July 4th.

1 Eventually - Wait for it.... Wait for it.... NOW!

10 Years - 1 year times 10

Century - 1 year time century/1.236659874521625 to the power of -95213.3 times pi.

Millenium - Right around the corner.

Googleoplezium - Average Google search time for porn

Hammer Time - It is unknown what this time means, as nobody can touch this.

Backwards Time - too complicated for mere mortals like you to understand.......

Everytime - The difference in time from what you're doing now to what you're doing later.

Nap Time - For most Xbox Live users, it SHOULD be right about now.

And so on.....

Theory # 2 Time was invented by Fidel Castro in 1802, who also invented Purple. It was the first attempt by someone to explain why everything isn't happening simultaneously. The concept of time has been accepted by most scientists even though there is no evidence it exists. Even though Fidel Castro laid the conceptual groundwork for time it was your mother who wrote the standard work on time: 'Time, who cares? A introduction to time and other strange weird thingies'. This book claimed that time was square and a little bit bouncy. Time is most known for it's lack of practical uses. In 1899 Satan started the 'Practical Time Competition', giving away $100 for the first person to find a use for time. To date no person has entered this competition, which supports the majority opinion amongst laypeople that time is just a theoretical construct invented for the purpose of simplifying calculations of objects traveling at near the speed of light.

Theory # 3 Another theory, produced by Heidegger is that time is a relatively new invention, it was invented around 1650 by the dutch clockmaker Christian Huygens. Before Huygens matter was kinetically frozen and nothing was able to move or change. Conservation was total. This means that besides the normal physical laws of conservation of energy and momentum, there also existed a law of conservation of place. After the invention of time, Christian Huygens made a lot of money selling clocks (interestingly, the proof that money's existence follows from time's existence can be derived from E=mc^2 and t=$, but is too complex to be included in this article).

Theory # 4 Some geek scrolls, found on the ruins of a ancient geek bathroom, testimony that time was created by Euclid after he created space. Unfortunately in Euclidean space there is no movement, so there is no way his theory can be proven, however, this theory was said "perfect" by Oscar Wilde, then nowadays it is the most acceptable unacceptable theory ever made.

Theory # 5 Recent evidence shows that time was originally created when the mythical David the Yogo puked it up after seeing the color Onion. Before this, every year was -100, and that made kittens cry.

Theory # 6

King George VI invented time, but it is not precisely known when. It was used by many of his subjects to measure prowess in kitten huffing competitions.

Theory # 7 Hidden Time exists. 1 + 2 = 4

Theory # 8 Time was a marketing scheme developed by the alarm clock industry in an effort to increase sales. See Valentine's Day.

Theory # 9 Time was invented in 1972 in Dublin by Shamus O'Clock.

Theory # 9.5 Time is not real. It's just a misspelling of the word "thyme".

Theory # 10 Time was actually discovered by Gallagher inside of a watermelon during a show cerca 1 A.D.. It is said that the time, though completely unnoticable through our senses, expanded throughout the universe. Scientists are still studying the "Watermeloverse" as it exists today.

Theory # 11 The reason clocks tell time is because time is really a brick. Ask a preschooler--they'll understand.

[edit] Distortions in Time

Time can be distorted by a number of things including: Libraries and books, viagra, Doctor Who, Black Holes, Acid, and falling down the stairs.

[edit] Bad Things about Time

Time is a mass murderer. It has killed more people than any other entity, other than perhaps Bill Gates or Steve Ballmer. A reward of $1,000,000 has been placed on the head of time.

Time is probably tough and indestructible. It's probably the toughest buckaroo this side of the Mississip'. I tell ya I ain't never seen anybody go up against time and make it out of the OK Corral alive. I've seen Oscar Wilde, Albert Einstein, Henry Winkler's career, and all of the Popes.

It just goes oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon and oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon

[edit] Good Things about Time

Time is a mass murderer. It has killed more people than any other entity, other than perhaps Bill Gates.

Time regularly makes donations to NPR so that it can listen to it's favorite radio program, "A Prairie Home Companion" starring Garrison Keillor.

The recent discovery of the first cuboid planet has provided strong evidence that time is brown.

[edit] How to Waste Time

Listen to any song by Dragonforce (BEWARE : take care to take regular breaks while listening to Dragonforce songs, otherwise starvation may occur)

Time, left, standing still, with his brother, right

Also a good and known way to kill time is play World of Warcraft Or join any MMORPG in general. The scientific formula for this method is Level + Number of Quests x500 = Amount of Time wasted total. See also Insomnia. Not to be confused with Sleep.

Recently scientists have conducted experiments resulting in an entire fortnight being blown up- everything within that fortnight was destroyed in the blast.

[edit] Words that Rhyme with Time

Just like the words Purple, Orange, Month, Putyourhandsintheair, WordThatConstantlyIncreasesInLengthEachTimeYouSayItThatCannotBeWritten, Etcetera etc; there are no words that rhyme with time. slime, crime. actually orange ryhmes with door hinge

[edit] Words that DON'T Rhyme with Time (and most likely never will)

Albatross, Branch, Theology, Time, Pumpkin, Ostentatious, Antidisestablishmentarianism, The Price Is Right, Solid Snake, Tom Waits, Rhythmic Matter Smasher, Doppleganger, Cake (Though this could be considered assonance), Emit, Banana Hammock, Cats, Dine, Line, Nine, Wine, Whine, Sine, Cosine, Sign, Cosign, Brine, Cobrine, Tyne, Cotyne, Mine (as in something that belongs to me), Mine (as in something people dig for ore and minerals in), Mine (as in something that would blow your legs off if you stepped on it). Quantity Surveyor, Penis (something none of you have)Fart, Poop, Lime, Mime, Time, Time, Time, Not Time, Peanut Butter Jelly Time, Time Magazine, Adam Sandler, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

[edit] Words You Can Make From the Letters in "TIME"

ITEM
EMIT
MITE
EMMETT
SAFETY
NOT
GUARANTEED
WATER
42
Temi
EIMT
Fart
TIME
IE™
HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is said that water can be made with the letters in "time". You first soak the letters in a bucket of water and then squeeze the water out. Some scientists claim that this is the proof that time is the source of all water. The general public doesn't give a damn about this scientific oddity.

[edit] TIME is MONEY

It is said that time is money. But we all know that money is not time. They are two separate and distinct Pink Floyd songs.

[edit] Time Stands Still at the Iron Hill

On July 19th, in the year 211 of the First Age, time stood still at the Iron Hill. This unusual occurrence was related to the Lord of All Noldor, the Star in the Night and the Bearer of Hope, riding into his Glorious Battle alone. Later analysis by the noted Professor of Timeology Davy Crockett revealed that this instance of time standing still would cause intense WTF Radiation that, if unchecked, would destroy the entire universe. In an attempt to save the universe, and by extension, his own hide, the pussy coward Davy Crockett tried to mix a Temporal Martini in order to spill it on Iron Hill and fix the problem. It worked (duh! if it didn't work would you be here reading this!?!? Of course not, you dumbass. Learn to think!).

[edit] Misc

Time is the pseudonym of the Time Lord, who currently rules Britannia after the overthrow of Lord British by the Avatar.

The Intertemporal Association of Time Travellers is today's (tomorrow's?) most successful group of time travellers, having explored several days in Ancient Rome and most of last week.

Oscar Wilde is known to have said a lot of things about time, but unfortunately nobody had time to write them all down, so they are lost forever. This does not prevent us from making up quotes about what he might have said.

Kathy Sue Time was the first nurse assigned to Alcatraz prison in 1934. Linguists have traced the phrase "doing time" back to prison guards in the mid to late 1930s. By the 1940s, prisoners nationwide had adopted the term.

Time is controlled by an Ocarina of 1337ness.

Some believe it's possible to travel back or forward in time. Those of us who are competent know that's a load of crap.

There is now official proof that girls are evil.

Now we all know that:

and that

therefore

Now we all know that:

()

Therefore:

and

[edit] The Ham

Time is also measured by the doneness of The Great Universal Ham (also knows as the universe).

[edit] Quotes on Time

“Time is an illusion. That makes lunchtime twice as long.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Time

“Things are more like they are now than they ever have been.”

~ Dwight D. Eisenhower on time.... and the fifties.

“There comes a time within everyone, to close your eyes to whats reeeaaaaaal”

~ Pantera on Time

“Time is money, and money is something I can never get enough of.”

~ Scrooge McDuck on Time

“Time may change me, but I can kill all those who try to stand in my way.”

~ David Bowie on time

“Ticking away. The moments that make up a dull day.”

~ Pink Floyd on Time

“We must stop this terrible march of evil and declare war on time. The loss of time accident with the WMDS will not be (opposite of remembered)”

~ Dubya on time

“The time is what the time is, that is what the time is.”

~ Sir Isaac Newton whilst devising a plan to travel through time

“The time is what the time is... That is what the time is.”

~ Colin Mochrie on Infamous question ("what time is it")

“Counter-clockwise means nothing to a digital watch.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Time

“Jane, stop this crazy thing!'”

~ George Jetson on Time

“Time is that annoying "something" that somehow always causes me to show up for work one or two hours late and get fired. Over and over again.”

~ Donald Duck on time

“Time? Time is an illusion, the only time now is party time.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Time

“I just wasted five seconds of your precious time by making you read this quote.”

~ Captain Obvious on time

“Time? You're wasting mine now.”

~ An unconcerned politician on Time

“You had time to waste, and I'm not sorry. Such a basket case. Hide the cutlery”

~ Matt Skiba on Time

“Time is an illusion, my friend. Lunchtime, doubly so.”

~ Ford Prefect on Time

“When it's time to party, we will party hard.”

~ Andrew W.K. on Time

“This is wasting your time.”

~ This article on Time.

“Time takes our souls so why am I not just living for today?”

~ Bert McCracken on Time

[edit] Other Theories about Time and its Relation with Movement

There have been Theories that time does not really exist. This is because in order to measure time, you need a clock. In order for that clock to work, it has to exercise some kind of movement, therefore time is dependent on Movement, and not the other way around. Therefore Time=Movement and Movement=Time. Quite simple actually, take following example for example just to put one example:

If there was no movement, then a clock could not work and therefore it could not measure time and therefore time would not exist anymore. This is the ultimate Proof that Time does indeed not exist.

Movement is the real 4th dimension. Time is just the Result if you put the 3 dimensions together with Movement.

So basically if you want to know what Time(Movement) it is, you would have to ask: excuse me, would you mind telling me what Movement it is? instead of excuse me, would you mind telling me what Time it is?

^- Whoever wrote this must actually be incredibly sad.

ABC Time

"Time takes our souls"

[edit] What could happen if movement was not invented by Castro

It happened some years ago, in the distant future. Fidel Castro will be inventing time while Edison was sleeping under the ocean.

[edit] Notation

There are only two ways to note time:

24h-system: A day has 24 hours, much more than only 12.
12h-system: A day is divided in only 12 hours, but there are two kinds of days which alternate, dark ones and bright ones. To see if it's dark or bright, there are two letters on the clocks "am" and "pm". These stand for "Amazing Mandarin" and "Putrid Mandarin." It's unknown who invented the terms, but that individual was clearly intoxicated at the time.

A 24h-day begins at 00:00 and ends at 24:00 which is actually the same. A 12h-day begins at 01:00 am/pm as am/pm is changing then. Intelligent people use the 24h-system, as they can count higher than a dozen. Consequently, fat people also can count higher than a dozen, and use the 24hr system-as well. Studies have shown that idiots with not enough time use the 12hr-System because they believe 2 12hr days are better than only 1 24hr days. There is a reason we call them idiots.

It is said that the day would have 36 hours, but the gods thought it would be very funny to watch people running around everyday.

[edit] Chronon

A chronon is a particle of time. It is the official unit for quantized time. Its official realization is that it is a quantum of space-time, It quantizes space in a way which digitizes all things into chrononal interactions. The quantized amount is one plank-unit per side for the four-dimensional tesseract hypercube. Or -5.39121*10⁺⁴⁴ seconds. (Seconds is a unit of distance). Some people prefer using obscure units called "Meticks", though why they would want to trick themselves is open to question. Using this Frenched-up method, the side distance is -1.61624*10⁺³⁵ metrick miles. (1 metrick mile = 2 qubits)

It should be noted that 1 metrick mile is 0.5% of a stadia, the cultured unit for barbarian people. For civilized people, you can fit 547 metrick miles into a 里.