Tintin
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“His beating of the Jew was nice!.”
~ Borat on Tintin
“Aww, those nazis!”
~ Tintin
“If I could make my hair go like that life would have a meanning
”
~ Eraserhead
Tintin was a be-quiffed cartoon character created by noted fascist Herge. He and his Aryan dog Snowy ignited children's imaginations worldwide with their riproaring adventures, which generally involved rooting out sneaky Jews and exterminating black people. Not to be confused with a dog.
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[edit] Early Years
Herge was born in 1469, the twelfth child of a couple of mud farmers in medieval China. Whilst out bringing in the faeces harvest one morning, Herge was delighted to discover a time machine lodged in the outhouse. He used the machine, which had once belonged to an obscure British TV star, to embark on a series of escapades throughout history. He is widely believed responsible for the sinking of the Titanic, the Pol Pot regime and the conception of Jade Goody. His life of crime came to an ignominous end, however, when his time machine broke in 1930s Belgium, which let's be honest was never a great time nor place to hang around.
Embittered, Herge began drawing deeply sarcastic drawings of a ginger kid and his ill-behaved dog savaging ethnic minorities, so he could throw them at old people. However, the cartoons became instantly popular, and after earning a sponsorship from the Teutonic Gentlemen's Concern For The Betterment of Ethnically Responsible Europe, Herge began churning out adventures of the blue-sweatered rapscalion in earnest. Suddenly, business started going downhill, and he had to start working as a prostitute. As a result, he became pregnant and had 8 children, who later became the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
[edit] Characters
Tintin himself was a fairly neutral character, his slightly bland remarks about the ubermensch and ethnic cleansing acting as a foil for his eccentric friends. Chief amongst these was the lovable Colonel Trout, a semi-retarded alcoholic who hilariously masturbated in public and wept quietly whenever the action lagged. Tintin often used the abusive antics of the Colonel to distract enemies whilst he retrieved prison keys and emeralds.
A fixture from the early days of the comic, Herge caused controversy by having Trout choke to death on his own vomit in The Red Sea U-Boats, although most fans agreed it was quite funny. Three other returning characters of note were Doctor Calculator and Goebbels and Rumsfeld. Goebbels and Rumsfeld were often used as slapstick interludes in between scenes, murdering Arabs and committing widespread genocide in Eastern Europe whilst engaging in witty banter. Much of the humour stemmed from the fact you couldn't tell them apart, except for their moustaches.
Doctor Calculator was a rather more serious character, inserted into the comic under the behest of the Belgian Education Authority. His never-ending discourse on how much maths was fun made him an unpopular character, which was probably why the elderly gentleman was on the receiving end of so much violence, mostly from Trout. By the end of the series his eyes had been put out by a glass bottle and his ears ripped off by Snowy, which made his attempts to fend off people trying to put out cigarette butts out in his mouth much more entertaining.
NB: It should be noted that Doctor Calculator is only known by this name in English speaking countries. His original name (in French) is Doctor Tournesol which actually translates as Torn Arsehole in English and refers to his rampant homosexuality which was the actual cause for him to be the "butt" of so much abuse. Obviously, as such practices were illegal in the UK and Ireland during the time of the original translations, his original name would have made the books unpublishable so an equally derisory name was chosen. Likewise, the following books which revolved around Doctor Tournesol's anal exploits were never translated: Tintin and the missing V2, Tintin and the mobile U-Boat pen and the world renowned Tintin and the Nazi fist of domination. However Doctor Tornarsehole takes it up the arse from Eisenhower and Montgomery whilst being facialised by Hitler escaped the censor's pen without any changes.
[edit] Sexuality
It has been speculated that Tintin is gay because of his failing contact with women and very odd hairstyle.
[edit] Episodes
- Tintin in Bangladesh
- Tintin and the Jew Problem
- Tintin in Rhineland
- The Crab with the White Claws, Blue Eyes and Blonde Hair
- The Seven Crystal Protocols of Zion
- Tintin and the Anschluss
- Prisoners of the Klan
- Destination Beltzen
- Tintin at Wannsee
- Tintin in Tibet
- Achtung - Tintin!
- Flight 69 into Jerusalem
- Cigars of the Führer
- Tintin and the Final Solution I - The Phantom Zion
- Tintin and the Final Solution II - Attack of the Jews
- Tintin and the Final Solution III - Revenge of the Rabbi
- Tintin and the Final Solution IV - A New Order
- Tintin and the Final Solution V - Israel Strikes Back
- Tintin and the Final Solution VI - Return of the Aryan
- King Soloman's Jewland funhouse
[edit] Tin Tin Boro
An adaptation of Tin Tin has been created with the same videos being used, but also, with the dubbing of voices. This is called 'Tin Tin Boro', and is called that because the dubbing is from a group of people from Middlesbrough.
All episodes can be found here, at the Official Tin Tin Boro website.
In one particular episode, they talk of going to spit roast Snowy. This can be found on their website, or via YouTube.
