Tlh:

• ...that even sponges can run for president?

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So you thought that using the Euro as currency would be all fun and games? | Tom DeLonge (Cyberman) | Are you colour-blind? |‎ Hot indiscriminate sex | The Lorax | Presidents with Ridiculously Accentuated Facial Features | Shrimping | UnBooks:One Hundred and Seventy Three Haikus About Stuff; Mostly Office Supplies (Annotated And Abridged) | Extreme Torch Relay | Insomnia | James Dobson (rw) | UnBooks:The Night I Slept with Björk | Uncyclopedia:Magic words | American University of Mediocrity | Why?:Jump over that ledge | Goldilocks and the Three Bears (rw) | UnBooks:Ayn Rand's Goldielocks and the Three Bears | Awkward Conversation | Thou | Melville the One Trick Pony | UnBooks:Backstreet Abortionist's Handbook | EMERGENCY LIPS | Why?:Is a dead body lying on my couch? | The Bourne Pottery Class‎ | You're trapped | Anti-intellectualism | 2 Girls 1 Calculus Equation | Consolation Prize | Old Git's Guide to D&D | UnColumns:Chuck Norris on secularism: the single greatest threat that America has ever faced | Oh My God! There's a Meteor Heading Towards Us |

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Selected anniversaries</br />

July 26: Punch Your Girlfriend Day (Michigan)

• 3400 B.C. - Cave man punch woman. then laugh
• 589 - King Arthur declares himself King of England after usingExcalibur to hit his woman
• 657 - Battle of Siffin. Theys was Diffin, yo. No I'm sayn, Bitch?
• 790 - The practice of "back handing" starts in Europe as a cure for the women talking. It has a success rate of 80%.
• 810 - The practice of "back handing" ends in Europe as reports of excessive clean houses increases.
• 1521 - Famed prophet Nostradamus predicts that the King of England will have an affair and take the Queen of France as his mistress.
• 1524 - Nostradamus's house gets egged by an angry mob as they find his prediction to be wrong and that the King of England does not take the Queen of France as his mistress, but the Prince of Germany.
• 1590 - Martin Luther changes his "100 Thesis" to the "99 Thesis" by deleting the sentence, "Priests are not to be allowed to have relations with children."
• 1792 - The Whiskey Rebellion is lost as George Washington and his troops march to fight off rebels while they were drunk singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. We take one down, pass it around, and 98 bottles of beer on the wall..."
• 1812 - The War of 1812 starts as an 18 year old young British boy gets in a fist fight with a 12 year old American. The two nations get involved as they send reinforcements to help the children.
• 1834 - The whoopie cushion is invented as a seat cover, but does not sell well for making "sounds of unwanted body gases."
• 1870 - The typewriter is invented with only the keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
• 1956 - Harry Belafonte impregnated by deadly black tarantula . Shari Belafonte born among bunch of bananas.
• 1966 - Bloblobo, king of Bababa, knights, Bob the salesmen for his studies in the field of OhmygodIforgottochangemyboxersology.
• 1974 - A Scottish man is viciously attacked by an alien squid after mistaking the creature for his bagpipes. Several women are punched in the process.
• 1988 - Reading in terror - Godzilla is born in the Royal Berkshire Hospital.
• 1994 - O.J. Simpson takes "punch your girlfriend day" a step further.
• 1997 - Peter Piper picks a peck of pickled peppers. Pfft!
• 2000 - 35 people with the Y2K bug are hospitalized after having close physical contact with their computers.
• 2007 - The Green Archers are beaten by The Blue Eagles, The Archers then punch their girlfriends for not cheering hard enough. The Eagles punch their girlfriends in ecstasy.
• 2008 - Max Mosley celebrates "punch your girlfriend day". Dressed as a nazi prison guard.

Archived Anniversaries

Unwritten Topics
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Today's featured article

His Most Supreme High Lordship Excellency Robert Mugabe of the 22nd Electoral Battlefleet's Farmers Alliance in Zimbabwe is a politician, freedom-fighter, elder statesman, economist, and noted agriculturalist. His people have recently re-elected him as President of Zimbabwe, the country over which Mugabe has held humble stewardship since 1980.

On February 24th, 1924, Robert Mugabe was born in Matibiri village, Southern Rhodesia. The two older Mugabe brothers were very popular figures in the village and always helped with the hunting, the farming and the community festivals. They died. Robert was not popular or even remotely sociable, preferring to spend time alone fishing, reading books or playing "ethnic cleansing" with his toy soldiers.

Robert Mugabe was often alienated during his student years due to his habit of talking to himself and yelling obscenities at anyone who didn't share in his radical hatred of the governing authorities. During this period he also gained his trademark hatred of the white race, a hilarious little personality quirk that has endeared him to many, whilst admittedly putting him into conflict with a few. (more...)

Yesterday's featured article

Melville the One Trick Pony (2002 – 2007) is the stage name of a male Connemara pony from Bucktruck Ranch of Montana, U.S.A. that gained international fame for his dancing ability and genitalia-wagging antics. Despite demonstrating above-average human intelligence and a wide variety of talents previously deemed impossible for a breed of pony, Melville would live the majority of his celebrity life agonized by his moniker of “that horse that does the wiener dance”.

Emergence into public spotlight

Melville the One Trick Pony first came into the public spotlight when a viral video of him labeled “Flopy [sic] dick dancing horse lulz” was uploaded to YouTube in August 2005. The video was taken with a handheld camera by a young Montana resident and featured Melville dancing while standing on his two hind legs, set to MC Hammer’s "U Can’t Touch This". The video was an instant sensation, holding the #1 spot of YouTube’s most viewed videos for 4 weeks straight. Its popularity was attributed not only to the astounding sight of a pony apparently dancing on its hind legs, but also to the wild undulations of his shockingly large penis, an estimated 3.7 times the size of an average pony. The timing of the spliced in music renders serendipitous results, with Melville performing a speedy sidestepping foot shuffle to left, right, and back again, similar to the way MC Hammer performs the move during the same part of the song in the "U Can’t Touch This" music video. After initially receiving national attention, public curiosity over the pony grew even further when it was revealed on camera by the pony’s owner, Chuck Redburn, that when viewed from close distance, Melville’s erect penis features a large birthmark on the underside of the shaft with a remarkable resemblance to Japan, with the islands of Okinawa and all. (more...)

In the news

• Clam eats man for the donuts.
• Penguins die from reading The L.A. Times. (pictured)

• A school counselor almost actually accomplishes something.

• Fresh air hits Beijing - thousands collapse

• In a shocking development, you're currently on fire.

• An ugly child is abducted and promptly returned.

• After seven years of war on terror, America kills a terrorist

• Man, I wanted sex ed when I was in Kindergarden!

• UnNews exclusive -- Is the movie Space Chimps too dark for kids?

• Chuck Norris signs deal with AT&T to destroy other phone companies.

• Pope concerned about spherical earth.

• The Dow Jones Industrial plummets on gloomy forecasts from drug dealers.

• Pope hits out at consumer culture, prefers time when Church owned everything.

• Local band writes song critical of President Bush.

• Attractive American women are genetically proven to be clumsy and retarded.

• You Gotta be Shitting me! He fucking Lost!.