Tobacco

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“Who's laughing now bitches?”

~ American Indians on white people smoking on Tobacco

Tobacco is something you may have heard your grandfather talk about, or perhaps your school teacher said something about it during the drug awareness unit. Everything they have told you is false.

[edit] Methods of Usage

Average Citizens enjoying the healthful benefits of tobacco

Healthful, life-giving tobacco is commonly inhaled, chewed, drunk, smeared in a paste onto the skin, or snorted. Each method has unique benefits, adding years of wear and tear to the various organs coming into contact with it. Tobacco suppositories have been occasionally prescribed for prostate cancer; in most cases the tobacco totally consumes the tumour within five seconds of insertion. When snorted, tobacco gives one nasal flame-throwing superpowers, and this is why strict regulation of the product is advised.

One should note that the hateful "Stand group" hates tobacco use, and everything tobacco users do. This group wishes to prevent one from taking tobacco rectally,but this shouldn't stop all health-minded citizens.

[edit] Health Effects of Tobacco

Tobacco is tasty leaf enjoyed by peoples of all ages, and has many beneficial effects to your health. Tobacco is known to the state of California to contain many positive acting compounds including Fonzadrine Amide, known to release Fonzalin, the "coolness hormone". Everybody knows that smoking makes you cool, and those who say otherwise are just plain wrong (see clinical examples Humphrey Bogart and Clint Eastwood).

Usage of tobacco has been proven by trials sponsored by major tobacco companies to be beneficial to health. It absolutely does not cause cancer, in fact, many prominent thinkers now consider the phenomenon of cancer to be largely an urban myth created by the medical profession.

In addition, tobacco also does not contribute to the formation of atherosclerosis, coronary heart disease, stroke (with the possible exception of back stroke and butterfly). In the most recent trial conducted by Philip Morris, published in the New England Journal of Medicine, rectal tobacco usage may actually decrease the risk of coronary heart disease. ’ Clinical studies have proven that children under the age of 7 who take tobacco rectally can spell Mississippi better than those who don't use tobacco. Even the Pope of Greenwich Village uses tobacco in his anus. As is often said, "Tobacco rectally will set you free."

[edit] Benefits of Tobacco

Tobacco users always know where the "flavor" is at, and frequently ride by camel to the "Flavor Country." This total smoker monopoly on flavor has led to tobacco users becoming extremely wealthy and powerful, selling their flavor subsidies to the Food and Beverage industries.