Toilet

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Who is this guy, and why do we keep seeing him sitting on the toilet???

Lord Sandwich holding a toilet roll.

This article is about the porcelain thing for peeing and pooping into. For other definitions of the term Toilet, see Toilet (disambiguation)

"My toilet is Wenhao's vagina" “Are they talking the piss?”

~ You on Toilets

“I have to pay to use the toilet?”

~ Johnny Cash on The rising price of public conveniences

“This article is Toilet”

~ You on This Article

“It makes me feel flushed”

~ A toilet on poor toilet humour

“Excuse me while I drop the browns off at the super bowl!”

~ A person needing to go poop

The modern "toilet" or "crapper" was originally designed by The knights templar, who after spending much time in the holy land decided they'd stop fighting to design what they called a "Shit recepticle" there arab informants told them that such a device had already been invented, the Templars killed them reasoning that the devil had controlled there informants. shortley After drawing down in crayon a simple design for the "Shit recepticle" they abandoned the idea claiming that going on the floor was far better.

Later, as late as the 1920's toilets had been unheard of until, Steven Willberry owner of the infamous Wilberry Industrys; was inspired one day after taking far too much tonic thought he had been told by his late cat named "Elgar" to invent a Bowl like structure for one to excrete "Shit" and to flush away drugs if the Fuzz got sniffy. Ironically it was only after smearing his shit on the wall that he had began to devise the structure of the knewly named "toilet" Willberry had done it and made milions, but ironically still died in 1934 of explosive bowel desease, Willberry has since become a cultural icon his statue being said to be locked in vatican city along with the Naxi gold they have there.

Before the modern U-bend, toilets were rather messy affairs were even kings such as Louis XVI (who was last to ascend the French throne) generally found themselves crapping out of the window. Thanks to Crapper, we now all enjoy relative hygiene, except in Spain where they haven't quite grasped the idea of plumbing yet.

1 Toilet Rolls
2 Measurements
3 Toilet trivia
4 See Also

[edit] Toilet Rolls

Specifications of toilet, mostly

The most important feature of toilet is the toilet roll. It is extremely important to distinguish the toilet roll from the edible form of roll, which is actually sandwitch (invented by Lord Sandwich). Assuming you have identified that you do in-fact have a toilet roll, and not a sandwich you may use the toilet roll for wiping your bottom, and may then eat the sandwitch. Uncyclopedia recommends that you wash your hands beforehand however.

[edit] Measurements

Mathematically, a toilet can be derived as:

Where d is the diameter of the hole, and SHIT is the constant 1.6lbs, although some people have different values for this depending on the time of day, whether they use the metric or imperial measurement systems, or what was eaten the previous evening. One must also take into account the variables of available toilet paper and ventilation of the area. Poorly ventilated areas can result in inaccurate measurements and especially male users missing their intended target, thereby resulting in higher fares charged by the cleaning company.

[edit] Toilet trivia

These articles look something like this

The recent collapse of the housing market has been blamed on potential buyers mistaking the "To Let" signs for public conveniences, often leaving their non financial deposits in nearby plant pots.

Toilet and sanitary infrastructure are perpetually under attack by Sewerside Bombers. You might want to be standing well out of the way when the shit hits the fan.

In England there is a specific governmental post to deal with the state of the nations toilets, known as the Lord Privvy.

In April of 2007 New Scotland yard (the headquarters of British police) was brought to a standstill after a (formally constipated) felon finally managed to relieve himself completely blocking the entire sewerage system. An action was brought against the man, but the police had nothing to go on, and the case was finally discharged in court.