Toilet paper
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“I eat toilet paper for breakfast”
~ Oscar Wilde on toilet paper
“You eat toilet paper?”
~ Tony Blair on Oscar Wilde's quote
“But to conclude, I say and maintain that there is no arse-wiper like a well-downed goose, if you hold her neck between your legs. You must take my word for it, you really must. You get a miraculous sensation in your arse-hole, both from the softness of the down and from the temperate heat of the goose herself; and this is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the intestines, from which it reaches the heart and the brain.”
~ François Rabelais, 13th Chapter of the First Book on toilet paper
“Well dont you?”
~ Oscar Wilde on What Blair said
“Duh! I do, but you?”
~ Tony Blair on Oscar Wilde's quote´
“Isn´t made of Adipic Acid?”
~ Lula on toilet paper
“I need TP for my bunghole, heh heh heh!”
~ Beavis on Toilet Paper
“I like my toilet paper raw, as it helps with the abrasive texture associated with grating leftover matter clinging to a body cavitous hole generally found in the anal region.”
~ Smiley Johannsson on haggard, craggy toilet paper
“That's what it's for? I thought it was to write notes in while you're in the bathroom.”
~ George W. Bush on a discussion with his secretary.
Toilet paper is the stuff with which to clean a toilet. Also used as tissues by some people, notably Bill Gates and Martha Stewart.
Toilet paper is, interestingly, made from outhouse wood, this is why it disintegrates all matter other than toilets, and also tends to splinter more than ordinary papers.
Toilet paper is sometimes referred to as TP—this term is most widely used by Beavis the great.
Most paper in the world is bad. Drunk driving citations, Atlas Shrugged, and Scientology flyers are all made of paper. Toilet paper is unusual in that it is actually quite good: it is socially acceptable to smear shit on it. When you're done with it, you can flush it down the toilet, or, in public restrooms, stick it to the wall. Toilet paper is provided for free at most McDonald's locations, and for cheap as free everywhere else.
Editors Note: Please note that it is inadvisable to clean a toilet paper with a toilet.
Contents |
[edit] Invention
The guy who invented toilet paper was probably an asshole.
[edit] Etymology
The word "toilet paper" comes from ancient french:
"Toi l´est papier" and was a polite way to express, that the opposite person is good to clean one's back end with.
[edit] Types of toilet paper
- Bleached - To keep your ass white
- Natural - For all you hippies out there
- Double length - For people who use a lot of toilet paper
- Printed - For the kids and handicapped people
- Scented - To keep your ass smelling fresh
[edit] How to get free toilet paper
Here are two easy ways to get free toilet paper:
(Technique A)You will need: a mailing address, literacy skills, time
1. Sign up to loads of stuff, giving your mailing address and leaving the 'don't send me stuff' box unchecked. Free newspapers are also good for this.
2. When every month you receive your direct mail don't throw it away!
3. Wipe your arse with your various magazines, free newspapers, and catalogues.
Tips:
- Argos catalogues are very long and so one can last you months at a time
- Try newspapers run by communists, as they do not believe in making a profit these will often be free or at least very cheap
- Take the 'London Lite' magazines from the tube if you are commuting into London.
(Technique B)You will need: the clothes you stand in, a bag.
Make appointments with free healthcare, and at the end of the appointment go to the loo and take all the toilet paper. Alternatively, go into shops, pubs, garages, and basically anywhere with a free toilet, and take as much roll as you can stuff in your bag.
Technique A is completely legal, but you may well get an arse covered in ink. Technique B is theoretically illegal, but charges are unlikely to be brought, it is much more likely you will be asked to return the toilet paper.
[edit] Alternative uses for toilet paper
- Throw it over buildings, people, trees, cars, slow animals, foxes, Mythical Creatures etc.
- Wrap someone in so much of it they are incapable of movement
- Set alight to it then throw it
- Eat it
- Huff it
- Stuff your underwear with it
- Use it as an alternative to chewing gum
- Chew it then throw it at the ceiling so it sticks
- Write on it
- Defend yourself from a grue with it, although this will not work you may feel better for trying
