Doctor Who
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“Exterminate!”
~ A Dalek on this article
“Who is on first?”
~ Abbot & Costello on Dr. Who
“An apple a day keeps... nevermind”
“Knock Knock.”
~ Some guy
“Who am's there's?”
“I'm not even going to dignify that with a response”
“Doctor Who?”
~ Captain Obvious on The Doctor's identity
“K9, stop humping the toaster!”
~ Russell Howard on K9's sexual tendancies
“Why hello there...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Captain Jack
The Doctor is a British cult TV documentary produced by the BBC and funded by the London Tourist Board. It follows a now famous presentational format, in which the presenter, referred to as "Doctor Who", covers such diverse topics as history, physics, warfare, cookery and art, with the aid of an assistant (usually young, female and attractive, although this is the exception rather than the rule, given the UK's Danny La Rue Act of 1922 forbidding women from the acting profession).
What marks the style of The Doctor out from other documentaries such as Horizon, The Day Today and Newsround Review is that the educational nature of the program is carefully disguised behind a plot regarding aliens, time travel, and such like, woven from the real-life adventures of Oscar Wilde. This allows it to appeal to a wide range of viewers, especially children, whilst simultaneously providing an accessible narrative to important academic topics. See the plot summaries below for details.
The overarching plotline describes Doctor Who as a Lord of some description (from fan speculation, probably an inherited title) from a far-off planet known as Klingon. The show is able to visit numerous locations and stage historic re-enactments courtesy of a convenient plot device known as the TARDIS - a "time machine" which can also move around in space.
Many early episodes were lost, to the delight of many.
Over the years, the Doctor went from having a mostly male populous of shut ins and children (Doctors 1-8) but as the years went on, the BBC realized that females out ranked males in pure numbers, so the decision was made to hire younger, more attractive actors to play the Doctor character. This lead to many lonely hormone based females to watch the show, claiming to be "fans" of the Doctor, when they are merely fans of attractive young men with accents.
Doctor Who
Interestingly, the show never refers to its main character as "The Doctor," except in one instance, after which the responsible parties were crushed by elephants. He is always referred to as "Doctor Who". The reasons for this are unclear, but fans of the show are known to garotte you with excessively large scarves if you fuck it up, so just don't, OK? It is believed by a large group of fans that his unknown first name is, in fact, Knock knock, and that he has taken up the title Doctor in order to hide this embarrassing fact. Other fans believe it is You know, but both groups agree on one fact: His first name must be incredibly A) Lame B) Uncool C) Pathetic or D) Embarrassing.
Doctor Who presents the programme in an unconventional indirect narrative fashion, talking to his assistant rather than the viewer, when explaining the issues under discussion. When the first actor to play Doctor Who finally left the show to do a spoken word album, the casting director took the brave decision of replacing him with a look-alike in the hope that the audience wouldn't notice. Unfortunately the casting director was blind. Viewers have come to accept the fact that Doctor Who changes height, hair colour, build, wardrobe, gender and general physical appearance from time to time as part of the programme's charm.
The following actors have played Doctor Who:
The First Doctor: William Shatner
When the first series of Doctor Who was commissioned in the 1960s, the BBC decided to spend a huge sum of money on a high-profile celebrity to boost initial ratings. Alas, no one would touch this show with a barge pole, so they chose up-and-coming musician and writer William Shatner. Shatner portrayed Doctor Who as an eccentric Englishman with a Midwest US accent, with bizarre taste in hats, who travelled with his beautiful young "niece" (she's his "niece". Of course she is.), Uhura. Many have speculated that the character of Zap Brannigan from Futurama was based on The First Doctor. The First Doctor was axed eventually, his regeneration caused by screaming "DALEKS! so many times.
The pilot episode, "To Boldly Go", received 2,500 complaints from grammar fascists for the title alone.
The Second Doctor: Patrick Stewart
Following Shatner's unexpected departure to the world of spoken word and subsequent recruitment to NBC television series Star Trek, the casting director attempted to cast a similar-looking actor as his replacement. Mistaking Patrick Stewart's outsized mop top for a silly hat, the plot device of The Doctor's "visual transmogrification" was born. Stewart's Doctor was a sterner, angrier, dancier man, portrayed as a German with an French accent. Amongst Stewart's Doctor's enemies were the cybermen, the yeti, Mary Whitehouse and some "Greek" bird from London called "The Counsellor" who whined at people until their ears bled. After stopping a Sesame Street gangwar, the Second Doctor was captured by Time Lords from Gallifrey, an unknown city in Ireland and put on trail for badly playing a recorder. He was exiled to every other country in the world and regenerated by being put in a giant blender.
The Third Doctor: John Inman
Former civil servant John Inman took over as The Doctor when Patrick Stewart was poached by the Royal Shakespeare Company to play MacPicard in the film production of the Scottish Play, First Contact. Inman was an unpopular choice; especially given the plot had him stranded on Earth with a dysfunctional TARDIS, condemning the series to a load of stagnant plotlines relating to alien invasion. Luckily his assistant's constant barrage of "pussy" jokes lightened the mood somewhat. He was forced to regenerate into his fourth form when bitten by a drunken Spider-Man.
The Fourth Doctor: Tom Jones
When Inman gave up television for a life of pantomime the producers decided to draft in Welsh pop idol and chest hair resource Tom Jones, in an attempt to draw a larger female audience. The ruse backfired when Jones had it written into his contract that he would rewrite and sing the theme tune. The lyrics to "What's New, Doctor Who?" were thought to have been lost in the annals of history. However they have recently been re-discovered on eBay and are being re-recorded by William Shatner for his next spoken word album, a collaboration with Cannibal Corpse. Tom was forced to regenerate due to a lack of fans and being blown off a radio station tower by a sex bomb.
The Fifth Doctor: Dolly Parton
After Tom Jones was declared "far too Welsh" by avid sci-fi nerds the world over, the producers quickly brought in brash, obnoxious oil tycoon Dolly Parton to replace him, and in turn appease the fans. Unfortunately, she didn't go down too well with the fan base, and many adults can still remember hiding behind the sofa in an attempt to get away from her shrill singing voice, which she often used in order to defeat her enemies. Dolly had to regenerate after she choked on the celery she wore on her jacket.
The Sixth Doctor: The Undertaker
After Dolly Parton fell into a booze-induced coma while filming, the BBC wrote her out as getting stuck on the top floor of an apartment building. Fans spent weeks speculating as to who the new Who would be, and after 5 minutes alone with him in his office, and two broken ribs later, the BBC director general called upon long time friend The Undertaker to fill in the role. The wrestler's tenure as Doctor Who was marred by a marked increase in violence, most disturbingly when he threw the previous Doctor's companion Brenda down a flight of stairs following his regeneration scene. After many episodes of abusive violence towards his companions, alien friends and enemies, he was thrown into a black hole and forced to regenerate.
The Seventh Doctor: Sylvester the Cat
When The Undertaker eschewed his role as The Doctor in order to pursue his career as a TV chef, up and coming unknown Sylvester the Cat was drafted in to take up the role of the intrepid time-lord. Slight alterations had to be made to accommodate Sylvester, including a scratching post and a litter tray in the corner of the TARDIS, which caused outcry amongst some of the more passionate fans. Despite all this, Sylvester remained a firm fan favourite right up until his demise from being chucked into a woodchipper by the Master in episode 26.8.
The Eighth Doctor: Craig McLachlan
After a good few years hiatus, an American television producer named Dave Yadallee was given the green light by the BBC to dust off The Doctor's bizarre hat and waistcoat, and bring him back in a one-off special in the form of ex Bugs star, Craig McLachlan. McLachlan was faced with one of the weakest enemies The Doctor would ever encounter, the Andrex Puppies, and many viewers fondly remember him climbing on top of the TARDIS and screaming, "For the love of God, please save me!" while shitting his knickers. Television would never be the same again, and as a result, Doctor Who was axed. During his time offscreen, the Eight Doctor participated in the Time War against the Dialects, led by the Gaylord, Kirby and King Dedede. The Dialects were all wiped out except a few, Gaylord went into hiding in a gay bar in New York, Kiby and King Dedede did nothing and the Eighth Doctor had to regenerate again after an Andrex Puppy bit off his unmentionables.
The Ninth Doctor: Christopher Reeve
The Doctor finally returned to our screens in early 2005, in an attempt to tempt today’s youth into becoming doctors, due to the ever growing concerns over the NHS. In a controversial move, the BBC made the Doctor bald, Northern, cheeky, gay, fascist and Catholic in a bid to appeal to a wider target audience. Thanks to expert producer Russell T Davies, everyone enjoyed the first episode. But disaster struck when Reeve died of wheelchair of the legs in March. The story continues...----
The Tenth Doctor: David Duchovny (Filming in progress. BEWARE - SPOILERS)
The 28th series of Doctor Who promises more of everything: Knife fights, divorce, rape, evil twins - it's got it all.
Duchovny is rumoured to be "fucking creaming [his] pants" at the thought of portraying the new Doctor, and says the money he will earn will help to pay for his crippling drug addiction. Colin Farrell is said to be "fucking" devastated that he was not "fucking" considered for the "fucking" role.
In a recent interview, Duchovny, 78, described the approach taken by the BBC in the filming of the new series as "pushing forward in a positive, emotive direction". Out go the leather jackets and the shiny shoes, in come tweed jackets and Chuck Taylors. This is a smart move by the BBC, as everybody knows that The Doctor cannot possibly be considered young, hip and groovy if he doesn't look anything like the lead singer of popular boy band Franz Ferdinand.
As well as being accompanied by the ever faithful Nora, The Doctor will be joined once again by Autloc, played by Angela Lansbury, one of the Doctor's previous assistants during the Inman era. Lansbury is due to cameo in the new series after a chance encounter with The Doctor during a failed police heist at The Alamo. Some black woman will be playing Mammoth "Martha" Jones, a replacemement for Nora.
Both Duchonvy and Mammoth will both make a guest appearance in the third series of the spin-off, Torchwood.
The Eleventh Doctor: Michael Jackson
Rumours roam in the internet about a possible future role in the series of Michael Jackson as The Doctor. Other rumoured possibilities are:
- Pee-Wee Herman
- Oscar Wilde
- Mr. T
- Xzibit
- The Pope
- Chuck Norris
- Sauron
- A kidney's stone
- A Chefmage
- A Disco Bandit
- Optimus Prime
- Some kind of primitive lemur from Madagascar
The TARDIS
The TARDIS allows the series to explore historical events without breaking the narrative - The Doctor simply enters the time machine and emerges at a different point in history. "TARDIS" is an acronym for "Thus Another Relocation Dilemma Is Solved", the words uttered by the series' producer when the plot device was first conceived.
The TARDIS takes the form of a blue Police Call Box, an old form of concealment used by police officers. For example, in surveillance operations, a Police Box was often deployed outside the building under surveillance to allow police officers to stay within close proximity to the suspects without arousing suspicion. Unfortunately these boxes became a thing of the past when officers began using them for other private matters, such as solicitation... the public came to associate the blue boxes with immoral acts and they were all taken away and burnt in 1941.
This did not concern the producers of Doctor Who, who adopted one of the few surviving boxes as "the TARDIS". Recently, however, the BBC lost a court battle with the musician Sting, who owns the trademark on the word "police", over the use of the Police Box, which also falls under his ownership. The 28th series of Doctor Who, currently in pre-production, is rumoured to use a Portaloo instead, rechristened "the TURDIS" (TURd Dimension in Space) and as a money-saving device has been converted to run on methane.
Behind the Scenes History
Who Cares?
The show was originally devised by Sydney Lightfoot, a brash television executive who had been head hunted by the BBC from his job heading up the 'News and Other Light Entertainment' department at chocolate makers Cadbury's. After the offer of various sexual favours, Lightfoot handed the producers role to the inexperienced Verity Lambert-Butler, then an assistant on the Shepard's Bush Woolworth's pick-n-mix counter.
Originally the show was envisioned as a light hearted panel game. Various patients who had suffered botched operations at the hands of NHS surgeons would be invited to guess, through the medium of mime and yes/no answers, which of the assembled panel of doctors was the one responsible for their own particular mistreatment. This fell through however, despite BBC Enterprises already having trademarked the show's title, and so a new programme was required matching the name "Doctor Who". (Note: this re-employing of titles was a common practise back in the 1960s — for example "Ask the Family" was originally devised as a Mafia chat show, while "Muffin the Mule" was originally intended to kick off a hard core adult strand on BBC2.)
Carry On, Shatner: The First Doctor
With the show reworked, Lambert-Butler cast veteran actor Bill Shatner in the role of Doctor Who. Shatner had impressed critics with his lead in the comedy film 'Carry On, John Sergeant', about a BBC political correspondent (renamed 'Carry On, Cleo' for its US release) and was already a familiar face with British audiences via his radio appearances on 'The Army Game', where he played a pimp.
At first it was intended Shatner play the role very much as an anti-hero. The original script had two teachers following one of their teenage pupils home to confront her creepy grandfather about accusations of child abuse. Fearing the wrath of the Daily Mail's Pedo-finder General, the elderly man locks the duo in a near by phone booth, which, as fate would have it, happens to be an abandoned space ship.
Shatner quickly grew to love playing the role — his dubious figs, extravagant acting style and tendency to pepper his dialogue with large pauses (as if trying hard to think what next to say) quickly gained the audience's approval. It wasn't long before Doctor Who became a ratings success.
The second story, entitled 'The Empire Strikes Back', featured The Dialects — who would go on to become the show's most famous monsters. Shatner was particularly taken by the notion of a race of pure, blue eyed, blonde haired people (the Thurls) rising up and overthrowing their oppressive impure masters.
Six months into its run, so popular was the show that legendary producer George Lucas made big screen versions of the first two stories, entitled 'A New Hope' and 'The Ewok Adventure'.
With Lambert-Butler leaving after the first season, the show rapidly went down hill. Shatner's quirky performance took a darker tone as the actor began to dabble with elements of right wing politics in his work. At first the changes were subtle — a "NO COLO. REDS" sign appearing on the doors of the TARDIS, for example, and an increase in historical stories mainly set in very violent societies like the Aztecs, the Romans and the French Revolution. But as time went on it was felt the actor was increasingly out of step with the more liberal 60s society. It was only a matter of time before a memo came down from BBC management instructing "get that neo-Nazi out of here!"
Free Love: The Second Doctor
In a bid to attract the new peace-and-love generation of hippies, it was decided that the new Doctor Who, to be played by character actor Patrick Stewart, was to be a spaced out and incoherent 'cosmic' hobo, with the attention span of a goldfish. (The word 'cosmic' was particularly in vogue at the time, in a mind altering sense.)
Stewart had impressed producers with his role in The Omen, where he played a priest with a very ropey Irish accent trying to defeat the anti-Christ (played by a young Matthew Waterhouse.)
In the straight-laced environment of the BBC it was still not actually possible to show Doctor Who taking LSD, so writers, actors and producers worked hard to push their pro-drugs message within the confines of a family programme. Unable to show the lead character chugging on a bong, the BBC Props Department substituted a Recorder instead, which Doctor Who would play while giggling at nothing in particular.
Stories such as 'The Mind Robber', 'The High-landers', 'Poppy Seeds of Death' and 'The Off-Their-Face-less Ones' pushed the shows new pro-drug agenda hard, while Stewart was greatly enjoying the hippy free love aspects of the role. The Master, a visual representation of everything wrong with the world, was introduced; this character was suggested by Stewart himself, which entitled him (according to his BBC contract) to a free bunk-up with any and all female members of the guest cast, and a blow job if production ran more than thirty minutes into overtime.
While highly popular with the great British public (most of whom could readily identify with the show's more laid back, drug induced direction) there was concern within the production team that Stewart was taking the whole 'free love' thing a little too far. During his entire run of episodes, the second Doctor Who went through only two male companions, but countless female ones — most of whom had to leave after Stewart got them pregnant.
Eventually, with the BBC creche overflowing, a memo was sent down from on high dictating that Patrick Stewart was to be replaced as Doctor Who. They also insisted that his replacement should be "about as limp as a wet lettuce" so not to incur any further 'mishaps'. That very afternoon the producer contacted John Inman's agent.
Dandy Beano: The Third Doctor
Inman had impressed critics with his delicate interpretation of the role of John Rambo, a Vietnam vet with an allergy to cat fur, in the movie First Blood Part One. While secretly very active on the underground heterosexual scene, Inman maintained the the public face of an effeminate, shirt lifting dandy for the sake of his career. (After his death of Chickenpox in 1996, reports of his heterosexuality were to leak out into the press, shocking many who read them.)
As the 1970s arrived, Inman's era of Doctor Who brought in many new technological changes. Inman, and new producer Letty (Barrs), pioneered the use of blue screen technology, a process which can remove any object which is blue from the screen (blue was considered to be a very unsightly colour in the 1970s, shades of brown being much preferred.) Unfortunately the production team neglected to recall that the TARDIS was itself blue. A plot device, of Doctor Who being exiled to Earth, was employed to write the TARDIS out for much of Inman's run.
To mark the tenth anniversary of the show, a special story "The Three Amigos" was filmed, featuring Inman teamed up with former Who's Stewart and Shatner, to defeat the evil timelord Toblerone.
Inman was a great lover of science, gadgets, and new technology. Together with Letty (Barrs) he sold the BBC on the idea of shooting some of the extra-terrestrial material for Doctor Who on location, by means of a re-usable, re-fuelable, British-built space craft known as The Whomobile. NASA's Space Shuttle was still only at the drawing board stage, and the cost of designing their own space craft was extreme — but BBC bosses concluded that if "the bloody Yanks can put a man on the moon, then we can sure as hell put an OB film crew on Pluto."
The contract to manufacture Britain's most technologically advanced vehicle was given to British Leyland, who's role in the transportation industry was to become legendary. Unfortunately the cost of The Whomobile escalated so quickly that within days of the project being declared, the BBC was almost bankrupted.
In disgrace, John Inman was fired from the show (with Letty (Barrs) following shortly after) and yet another entertaining BBC memo was sent, this time asking for a new actor who "is entertaining, BUT MOST OF ALL: CHEAP!!"
Big Eyes, Red Face: The Fourth Doctor
Failed, washed out, Vegas nightclub singer, Tom Jones was chosen for the role. In contrast to Inman's dandy, Jones brought in a hard drinking, hard living style of Doctor Who. Under pressure from a new breed of gritty cop shows such as The Sweeney, Doctor Who now took on a meaner edge. Jones' Doctor Who would utter phrases like "get yer trousers on Davros, you're nicked!" and "ain't nobody gonna build a Positronic Relay Core - not on my manor!"
The new Doctor Who was a Timelord who lived life on the edge — showing little regard for his superiors back on Galifrey. As the 1970s progressed, the show won a new audience of fans. None more so than The National Viewers and Listeners Association, an off-shoot of the Dennis the Menace Fan Club) which sought to promote gratuitous sex and violence on television. They wrote en masse to the BBC complimenting the new more violent Doctor Who show. With Jones, the show reached a ratings high. But all this was to change as the show received a new producer — Jonathan Turner.
The rating's success of Doctor Who had not gone unnoticed by rival network ITV, and tv mogul Lou Grade (famous for bringing the religious mini-series 'Kermit of Nazareth' to the screen) dispatched his young nephew to "sort the BBC once and for all". Having secured an inside job, Michael Grade lost no time in arse-licking his way up the BBC hierarchy until he was in a position to scupper the pride of BBC1's Saturday night line up. Grade appointed to produce the show a curly haired Hawaiian shirt wearing transvestite, called Jonathan Turner ("call me Jo"), who had little experience as a television producer.
Sure enough, within months of the appointment Doctor Who was forbidden from smashing his enemy's knuckles in the TARDIS doors, the Master had become a flower-power guru, and the show had lost 90% of its audience. Grade had succeeded in destroying the show, and a confused BBC management decided to scapegoat the lead actor. Sure enough, another BBC memo was sent down from high instructing "get that Taffy drunk off our screens. Find someone with a bit of sex appeal."
All Creatures, Great and Adric: The Fifth Doctor
Seeking success in the American markets, male drag artist Donny Parton was contacted to take over the role. Parton readily agreed, on the condition that he could play the part in his drag persona — Dolly Parton. This suited freakish Hawaiian shirt wearing producer Jonathan Turner, who immediately added a gaggle of both male and female companions to the show in an effort to demonstrate that the new Doctor Who could "swing both ways."
When an early script called for the use of a dildo, an elderly BBC wardrobe mistress named Doreen McEnerdo became confused. Thinking it must be some form of exotic vegetable, she substituted a stick of fresh celery instead. Parton was so amused that she insisted the celery be kept in, and eventually it became part of the new Doctor Who's costume as an in joke.
The Undertaking: The Sixth Doctor
But, eventually, Dolly Parton fell off the wagon, and began to drink heavily in an effort to purge herself of her masculine urges. Pursuaded by a free offer of funding from the WWF, as well as a couple of broken ribs and a hangnail, freakish Hawaiian shirt wearing producer Jonathan Turner hastily dropped Parton and cast the Undertaker as the 6th Doctor. This latest incarnation made its mark immediately; upon regenerating, he insisted on throwing the previous Doctor's companion, Brenda, down a flight of stairs.
This Doctor's tenure was brief, however, as half-way into the first serial, the Undertaker was offered a spot on a cooking show. Knowing it to be his only way out of the nightmare that was British television, the wrestler accepted. After a rushed and half-completed regeneration scene (shot some 30 seconds before the Undertaker's contract expired) was sloppily inserted into a rough cut of the fifth episode, the producers resorted to local casting. They found the next Doctor literally under the bed.
Talkative and Catty: The Seventh Doctor
Sylvester the Cat was a scroungy fluffball when the producers found him, curled up in a dank corner of a musty room. Dropping him into a foppish hat and set of clothes, they quickly slapped together three seasons of Doctor Who. After completing that half-assed regeneration scene, they crossed their fingers and hoped for the best (amount of money, that is).
Three days later, the public responded: they loved it. Swept away by the newly-groomed furball delight, they wrote thousands of letters to Sylvester, praying for him to visit them at home. The producers sighed with relief, and set to work on rearranging the show to focus on the perilous plight of the furry Time Lord. Slight alterations had to be made to accommodate Sylvester, including a scratching post and a litter tray in the corner of the TARDIS, which caused outcry amongst some of the more passionate fans.
Nevertheless, the little cat was adored by the public, and he certainly would have had quite the luxurious career had not the Undertaker gotten fed up with his cooking show. Believing Sylvester to be the cause of all his troubles, he waited behind a curtain one day on the Doctor Who set. When the little grey tabby walked by, the wrestler snatched him up and, before anyone else could do a thing, huffed the life out of him. The producers, now on the verges of heart attacks, quickly took amateur footage of the little cat strolling around the set, spliced in some unused shots of the Master tossing squirrels into a woodchipper from the serial The Deadly Rodent, and promoted it as the last heroic moments of the 7th Doctor.
When freakish Hawaiian shirt wearing producer Jonathan Turner suggested casting Liberace as the Doctor in a new season of the show, his colleagues, thankfully, threw him off a train, thus ending his reign of terror on Doctor Who.
Conspiracy Theories
Despite the long run of the series "The Doctor" has not yet had a sexual relationship with one of his assistants (in the US "interns" are socially expected to allow this even at group interview stage). The series injoke is that this is because of the advanced age of The Doctor, however a conspiracy theory is that The Doctor is simply a gay man (or possibly even a alien lesbian as a man) who is using the youth of the assistant to avoid any question of his sexuality arising.
Indeed yet an even more common variation of the theory among low brows who read the Daily Mail is that "The Doctor" is simply a paedophile who uses the TARDIS to seduce young impressionable "girls" to join him on his journey out of the reach of the authorities beyond time and space.
Another pointless conspiracy theory concludes that "The Doctor" is actually not a University graduate at all and that, in fact, he received his education from a diploma mill such as MIT or even Harvard. Theorist point out to the fact that even though he calls himself The Doctor he has yet to use any incomprehensible characters after his name, such as BFeck or DClit. Other promoters of this theory point to the absence of any certificates in his parlour.
Assistants
There have been a number of assistants through the various series. Assistants are typically used as foil for The Doctor's razor-sharp wit, or, during the time of the seventh doctor, a scratching post. Assistants are often involved in platonic relationships with The Doctor, apart from the occasional outbreak of nymphomania. Casting of assistants was, at one stage, done by mass national audition in the style of Pop Idol/American Idol (predating such shows by many decades). Recently, however, it was found to be easier to recruit failed musicians directly.
The current Assistant is Nora, a mathematician, played by Billie Piper.
Previous Assistants:
- Marilyn Monroe was a banker named Thora.
- The First Doctor found Thora asleep on the toilet in the Bank Of England when his TARDIS materialised there in the very first episode. After what was regarded as the first interracial love scene on television (until it was widely accepted that American and Shatnerite did not constitute interracial) she joined him on his quest for galactic domination.
- Pussy Galore was a circus freak named Eva.
- Patrick Stewart's Doctor recruited Eva from a newspaper advert when Thora was married off to the president of Tanzania in exchange for some dilithium (rumoured to be The Doctor's hallucinogenic of choice). Her ability to gargle liquid nitrogen made her famous overnight and the pin-up of choice for prepubescent boys throughout Essex.
- Angela Lansbury was a drug smuggler named Fanny.
- Taking time out from acting in US detective series Murder Death Kill, Lansbury was hired to play Fanny at the request of Stewart, who was rumoured to dislike acting alongside a better-looking performer. Fanny was initially portrayed as Amish but this resulted in riots on the streets of Brixton so the writers had her killed off in a freak toenail accident.
- Al Pacino, was a greengrocer named Frank.
- In an attempt to move away from the sexual tension which marred the first two Doctors' careers, the character of Frank was created to act alongside Fanny. Unfortunately his mobster accent got The Doctor into an awful lot of trouble, not least with his arch-rivals the Cybermen.
- Ron Jeremy was the Minister of Transport.
- As a sop to the gay community, who had become increasingly annoyed at the overtly heterosexual nature of the third Doctor's relationship with his assistants, as well as John Inman's own uncomfortability associating with women, the BBC hired porn star Ron Jeremy as assistant to the Doctor. However, Ron refused to do the scene with the sonic screwdriver and the cyberman laser pistol and was promptly sacked.
- Nicole Kidman was a Tax Collector named Hilda.
- The fourth Doctor rescued Hilda from the Second British Civil War, in which all the Civil Servants were rounded up and shot. The episode was actually aired a week before the actual Second British Civil War began in 1985, exactly as described on the show. The BBC still denies the obvious allegations.
- Adolf Hitler appeared as himself, in the form of Cyborg Hitler.
- A controversial addition to the series, Hitler remained in the series for a total of three episodes, before being left in Washington by the Doctor. He had grown tired of their continual debates on whether Jews were or were not scum. (The Doctor held the latter view. Coincidentally, this coincided with the Fourth Doctor's regeneration.)
- Sharon Stone was a kickboxer named Brenda.
- The fifth Doctor got through an awful lot of assistants due to her excessive use of brain-shattering singing in the event of an argument. The producers responded to viewer complaints by hiring an actress that nobody would mind seeing pushed over the edge.
- Stephen Fry was a passive-aggressive robot called Marvin.
- In an attempt to replace the seventh Doctor with another cute character, the writers stole one from the diary of famed Scottish monarch Douglas Adams, casting Stephen Fry in the role alongside the eighth doctor. The lawsuit is still ongoing.
- Autloc is rumored to appear as the Tenth Doctor's first assistant, despite BBC claims to the contrary. His long-standing rivalry with Nyder is believed to be a focal point of the series.
- Bill Cosby played the role of "Brigadier" John Bowman.
- After Nora the mathematician's lesbian tendencies were shown, audiences were in an uproar, so producer, Ruffle Tea Lady, decided to insert a military private as a completely straight soldier who joined the doctor.
Enemies, Foes and Ne'er Do Wells
Dialects
Dialects are The Doctor’s most despised adversary. The mutated survivors of the Great War, they are only capable of living within their colourful exo-skeletons. They are the only one of The Doctors enemies to come close to killing him. On no fewer than 15 separate occasions, the Dialects have actually come to within a sonic screwdriver of obliterating The Doctor, but something always seems to stop them. From a broken lift to leaving the oven on, some plot device always appears out of the blue, just in time to save The Doctor's skin. The Dialects are currently in tough negotiations about appearing in the 10th series, and only agreed to appear in the 9th series because they “had nothing better to do on a lazy Sunday afternoon. We’d only end up watching formula 1 anyway.” The Doctor has also done battle with their creator, Dyson.
Cybermen
A race of teenagers and 30-somethings who live in their parents basement, the Cybermen are pasty-skinned computer nerds who have been beaten up in the changing rooms one too many times for their liking. First seen in episode 13.37, the Cybermen attempted to take over the Earth because they were jealous of The Doctor's (then played by Tom Jones) healthy orange glow. Unable to go out during daylight hours, the Cybermen had to resort to wearing specially crafted helmets allowing them to avoid sunburn and taunts in the harsh conditions of Basildon. They are perhaps best-known for their LOL-bombs and ROFL-rayguns, which they use in abundance to prove how lame The Doctor is. The Doctor usually defeats them by asking them if they've ever had sex, whereupon the Cybermen slink away into a pit of despair.
Andrex Puppies
Seen for the first and last time in the one off made for TV movie starring Craig McLachlan, the Andrex Puppies are the mutant offspring of a Black Labrador and a Golden Retriever. Standing a hair-raising 20 centimetres high, these adorable demons of the planet Softstrongandveryverylong are intent on enslaving mankind into playing fetch with them and tickling their tummies. In the movie, they chase The Doctor into hiding and he is only saved when his assistant Wanda, played by Vanessa Feltz, shouts "walkies". The Doctor is relieved and says "I sure hope I don't bump into those nasty fellows again in episode 35.3", leaving the door open for a possible return.
Zygons
The Zygons are a mysterious alien race from the planet Boris, known for their bumbling manner and incomprehensible language. Their vocabulary is limited to the use of only a handful of words, most notably, "cripes", "bugger", and "boobies". Their appearance is comical due mainly to their pudding bowl haircuts and large rotund noses. As such, they were never, nor shall ever be, any match for The Doctor.
They first appeared in episode 16.4, where one of the Zygons accidentally blew up the Houses of Parliament after attempting to light a fart to impress his peers (but not "The peers" they are far too respectable for that sort of thing), whereupon The Doctor, played by Dolly Parton, laughed and said "Let Zygons be Zygons".
Trivia: The number of viewer complaints resulting from this pun led to the series being moved from its 7pm Saturday slot to a 4am once-a-month slot on alternating Sundays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, with the episodes aired in a random order. (See also: the Firefly effect)
Wordy
The ruthless ruler of the planet Lookandread, Wordy has had it in for The Doctor ever since he first saw an episode of the 1st series and noticed all the spelling mistakes in the closing credits. He floated down to earth in his Spellmobile and set about turning the human race into giant letters with his ritual "Magic E" chant.
Small, lumpy, bright orange and covered in letters, Wordy is undoubtedly the most hideous of The Doctor's foes, and as such anyone who looks at him instantly throws up their lungs.
However, The Doctor easily defeated Wordy by looking at him in the reflection of a spoon, and shouting "If 'i before e except after c' is so true, then how come it doesn't apply all the time?". Realising that The Doctor was right, Wordy couldn't deal with the fact that he'd lived a lie, and destroyed himself. Wordy was voiced by Brian Aldridge from The Archers.
The Master
 The Master, played by former astronaut John Simm, is the Doctor's greatest rival. The Master was The Doctor's childhood friend, and as revealed in episode 11.5 "Oh Brother Where Art Thou?" he is actually the Doctor's evil twin brother who never did as well at school. The Master has sworn revenge on The Doctor ever since his childhood sweetheart was "whisked" away by him.  The Master, as his name suggests, is a criminal of the highest degree, who specializes in the secret ninja art of "kung who", a martial art so deadly that no master dare teach it. Indeed, the only way to find out how to perform it is to do it by accident. The Master has had The Doctor in his clutches numerous times, including episode 15.9, where he strapped The Doctor to the side of a gigantic vibrator. His plan was foiled however, when he forgot to pay the electricity bill.
Sontaroons Sontaroons are violent creatures, from the planet Scouse. They are a race that reproduces by means of osmosis, with no females, and are a militaristic society obsessed by football. They are friendly with the Colleens a race obsessed with shopping. However, they have been involved in an intergalactic war with the Rootans that has spanned for centuries. If they only resolved their differences they would realise that they weren't too different, despite the Sontaroons' greater popularity in the show itself (The Sontaroons having featured in several serials throughout the years and the Rootans having only appeared in one Tom Jones serial, Horror of Man U. The Sontaroons are know throughout the Galaxy for being intense Euro-Sceptics. They have ideological differences with the French and Germans over subsidiarity. They are afraid of nutmeg and have a natural affinity with chives. They like you, but aren't very fond of me.
Computerkind Computerkind (or Doctor Who nerds) were the destroyers of the Chocolafane and the reason why the Macra came back in Gridcock. They were first seen way back in the tenth episode: The Nerd Invasion of Outpost Gallifrey In the new series, they are shown to be more scheming and manipulative due to the madness caused by lack of Doctor Who (unless you count the movie, which caused outrage due to the fact that Sylvester McCoy was not credited before Paul McGann in the intro). If bitten by one, you will become one. The Computerkind got trapped at the end of the universe as shown in Utopia but they made alternate endings on YouTube which they lived on through, and continue to survive...
The Gaylord The Gaylord (played by Carry On star Charles Hawtrey) is a 400 year old scientist from the planet Whoopsie! whose inhabitants, the Pooves, were engaged in a bitter thousand-year war of attrition with their enemies, the Straytes. Horribly scarred and bespectacled for reasons that are never explained, the promiscuous Gaylord spends much of his existence attempting to penetrate his enemies with his self-designed aluminium penis in order to turn them gay. Selected Plot SummariesChristmas Special 30: The Repeats Of DoomKicking off with a new leading man, the Doctor regenerates into an even worse actor than the last time. The TARDIS materialises on the planet "Quarry", where he and his companions Sally June Symth and K-11 are captured by their arch-nemesies "The Silver Wet-Suitoids". With meancing bubble-wrapped claws and refined British accents, the RETARDIS crew are taken to the underground lair known as "Wobbly Set". Suddenly, the villians come up with the devestatingly brillant plan to let them all go, for no good reason. They then spend the next four episodes chasing each other up and down corridors.
Season 2, Episode 1: An Ungodly AromaThe second series of Doctor Who kicked off with The Doctor, played by William Shatner, losing his left arm to a fatal genomic concatenation of leprosy and chlamydia, believed to be the work of his arch nemesis the Masterchef. Having to cope with just one arm, it was this episode that saw Shatner speak the immortal line: "Spork... Spork...". After spending the first three half-hour instalments of this four-parter diagnosing himself, then explaining at length how one can engineer an anti-retrovirus from gibbon saliva, The Doctor finally replaces his arm with a cybernetic torpedo fletching device, which leads nicely in to the following five episodes in which he single-handedly wins Britain every Olympic arm-wrestling medal in history. Season 5, Episode 6: Fuck You! You Fucking Fuck!A mysterious variant of Tourette's Syndrome strikes the Mars colony of Phobos, causing the inhabitants to become helpless Satan worshippers. Invoking such hideous abominations as floating skulls, flame-lobbing imps and large mechanical spiders, Mars becomes the writhing twin-town of Hell itself. Luckily The Doctor, played by Patrick Stewart, is an expert in the merciless slaughter of demonic filth as well as innocent bystanders. Featuring decapitations, eviscerations, Lagrange mechanics and the BFG 9000, this episode was banned in fifty-nine countries including the UK until November 2003 when it was accidentally included as part of the Teletubbies box-set. Season 12, Episode 2: The Invasion of Doom In this episode, The Doctor, played by Tom Jones, uses the purchase of a new scarf from Harrods as a convenient excuse to explain Fourier Synthesis to the unsuspecting viewer. When his assistant recommends that they use the TARDIS to return to an earlier time and get the scarf cheaper by reverse-inflation, her suggestion is shunned with a detailed description of the EPR Paradox and its connections to Stochastic Hydrodynamics. Instead they travel to 11th century London and engage in a discourse on moral philosophy with Edward the Confessor. A brief alien invasion is thwarted by the cunning use of Oleum (with accompanying dialogue on the industrial process of Sulphuric Acid manufacture), and The Doctor wins the day by convincing Harald Hardraada that Odin was gay. Season 19, Episode 20: Avast Ye!The Undertaker, in his fifth episode as the Doctor, administers an almighty smack down upon The Dialects by using a phenomenon akin to quantum entanglement to erase them from existence. (Unfortunately the number of complaints resulting from this theoretical physics-heavy episode caused the BBC to ban all mention of the word "clothesline" in the context of the 5-D Simple Harmonic Oscillator from future episodes. It is a credit to the dexterity of the writers that they have managed to keep to this somewhat draconian restriction without compromising the spirit of the programme.) Having foiled the foul plastic menace, The Doctor celebrates by resurrecting them from oblivion in order to gloat (thus allowing future writers to make use of them again - the costume department were doubtless grateful!). At the end of the completely ad-libbed hour-long sex scene with his assistant, played by Lucy Lawless, the Doctor is unexpectedly killed off by a fatal (and convenient) form of narcolepsy, only to regenerate in feline form. Season 20, Episode 13: My Wonderful, Wonderful NeckThe Doctor, played by Sylvester the Cat, starts the episode at the bottom of a giant biscuit barrel on an alien mother ship as a result of the previous episode, where he was lured there by his arch nemesis the Dialects by a nice bit of venison and a glass of chardonnay. The Doctor uses his banana phone to call upon his beautiful assistant, Babs (played by Kate Moss), and asks her to create a diversion by performing a heart-warming rendition of "935 bottles of beer". The Doctor then escapes his prison cell and defeats the Dialects by unplugging them from the mains, after a brief lecture on the benefits of solar power. Season 27, Episode 1: Message in a Klein Bottle The Doctor, played by the recently deceased Christopher Reeve, travels to London in the year 1965 to meet famed philosopher Gay Search and discuss the impact of feminism upon the moleskin industry. This is interrupted by a mob of angry clothes shop dummies, which attack with laser beams. After a brief exploration of the principles of quantum optics (cunningly linked back to the laser issue) the Doctor elects to travel to the year 2005 and tour the city in an attempt to get as many landmarks within camera shot as possible. His latest assistant Nora is introduced, a precocious mathematician played by Billie Piper, who helps him to defeat the ghost of Gauss by integrating him over a non-Euclidian manifold. Who would you have sex with out of the list? <> Who would you have sex with out of the list? Please vote below. There were 312 votes since the poll was created on 07 Sep 2008 03:37:33 UTC. Spin-offsFor some inexplicable reason, several attempts have been made to create a franchise of related series. Mercifully, most of these have failed utterly, but there have been a few notable exceptions. Doctor Whose Line is it Anyway? Doctor Whose Line is it Anyway? featured four contestants who were forced to improvise a convincing Doctor Who storyline, while being chased around by a Dalek. The series was wildly popular among coma victims and household pets, but was suddenly cancelled in 1996, when the Dalek was accidentally released into the wrong studio and exterminated everyone on the set of Can't Cook, Won't Cook. Immediately following its cancellation, the BBC wisely destroyed all existing copies of the series, even going so far as to hunt down and EX-TER-MI-NATE the entire cast and crew, just to be safe. In 2002, a man claimed to have the every episode on video tape, and threatened to give them to the BBC unless he was paid £10,000. When the BBC was unable to raise the funds, public donations began to pour in, quickly exceeding the ransom demand by several thousand pounds. Before payment could be made, however, the identity of the man was discovered, and an angry mob dragged him from his home and poked him with pointy sticks, until he admitted that it had all been a hoax and that no such video tape actually existed. Doctor Who - The Force Unleashed
One day, BBC felt like cashing in on the resurrected Star Wars fad that begun with Star Wars - The Clone Wars and ended with Star Wars - The Force Unleashed. They made a video game of Doctor Who and converted the whole game into a Doctor Who format. Doctor Who - The Force Unleashed has got mostly crap reviews from IGN, Gamespot, and YouTube |