Tom Clancy
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“His writing is entertaining, but the lack of ass-less pants leaves something to the imagination”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tom Clancy
“...”
~ Claude Speed on Tom Clancy
“As a child, we all looked up to Tom... He was like a father to us.”
“I find his writing under par. It would be much better if he replaced those Soviets with hungry English children.”
~ Charles Dickens on Tom Clancy
~ Tom Clancy on War
Contents |
[edit] Biography
Thomas Leo Clancy Jr. was born April 12, 1947, in Baltimore County, Maryland. He attended Loyola Blakefield in Towson, Maryland, graduating with the class of 1965. He went on to study English Literature at Loyola College in Baltimore, graduating with the class of 1969.
Clancy married his first wife, Wanda, in the 1970s. After having four children together, they divorced in 1998.
Before making his literary debut, he spent some time running an independent bakery called "la Ronga bakery".
In 1993, Tom Clancy joined a group of investors that included Peter Angelos and bought the Baltimore Orioles from Eli Jacobs. In 1998, he attempted to purchase the Minnesota Vikings and had a purchase agreement in place, but the deal fell through after his divorce settlement decreased his net worth significantly.
In 1989, Clancy, at age 52, married his 32-year-old daughter Alexandra Marie Clancy, on June 26.
[edit] Clancy's Childhood
Clancy spent most of his childhood reading books, playing with friends, and spending time working on his family lettuce farm. He started school very young, but his education was cut short due to the civil war. Clancy lived close to the Mason Dixon line, and watched many skirmishes(some say that is where he got his love for war). After the Civil war, the farm was shut down due to the lack of slave labor. Clancy's father lost all his money and left Clancy with his mother. Margarette Anne Muggins Clancy (Tom's mother)raised her son and encouraged him to continue his education. Clancy, now 16, had the education of a fourth grader. His mother decided to take action in her sons education by sending him to Hogwarts: School of Witchcraft and Wizardry... That straightened him up.
[edit] Books
Tom Clancy is a noted author of many books written for the "I'm a fat nerd who was too much of a pussy to actually join the military" demographic, of which he is a prominent member.
[edit] Jack Ryan
Jack Ryan is the main character in most of these books and modeled heavily off of three real live people: John Wayne, Jesus Christ, and the Invincible Iron Man. Ryan looks a lot like Han Solo except for a brief period 1990 when he looked like Alec Baldwin and another time in 2002 when he looked like that douchebag from "Pearl Harbor" and "Armageddon." He has had many adventures with people of different nationalities whose accents are totally inappropriate for where they are from.
[edit] Themes
Tom Clancy novels have two main themes: Russians are Godless whores and total retards, and the U.S.A. totally rocks. These themes are usually explored in his books by showing Russians for what they are: ignorant cavemen who get erections from doing evil things to people who like freedom and McDonald's and stuff, and by showing how smart and cool Americans are by playing baseball, making Jazz music, and beating the Russians at everything they do including water polo. Occasionally there will be an American in Clancy novels that is sympathetic to the baby Jesus hating, steroid using Russians, but they always turn out to be hippie liberals who hate America anyway and get themsleves killed.
Post 9/11 Clancy has turned his focus to those camel-riding idiots in the Middle East and those rice-eating bastards in China, both of whom totally hate America and won't buy his super sweet video games about killing those border-jumping beaners.
[edit] Popular Novels Written by Tom Clancy
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Exdeath kills Galuf, Homestar Runner shot Caleb Rentpayer, the aliens' weakness was common tap water, Daisy runs over Myrtle, leading Wilson to kill Gatsby and then himself, Heathcliff finally dies, and Catherine and Hareton get married, Axel self destructs to save Sora, Donald, and Goofy, Janeway defeats the Borg, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
- The Hunt for Red October (1984)
- Patriot Games (1987)
- The Cardinal of the Kremlin (1988)
- People build lazers to shoot down nukes. Along the line, a crazy Soviet tank driver defects.
- Clear and Present Danger (1989)
- Jack Ryan spends 1000 pages looking for coffee in Colombia. Guest starring Fred Savage.
- The Sum of All Fears (1991)
- A nuclear bomb planted by terrorists kills lots of people and makes them miss all the commercials during the Super Bowl. Probably Clancy's most fantastical work as the U.S. actually manages to capture the terrorists.
- Debt of Honor (1994)
- Green Eggs and Ham (1960)
- Sam-I-Am investigates a terror plot regarding the poisoning of poultry and swine by a Neo-Nazi group in Russia
- Clancy's most original book ever, In it Japan attacks the USA. After a while, we win.
- Executive Orders (1996)
- Rainbow Six (1998)
- Red Rabbit (2002)
- Takes place before Scottish guy's liver fails. Jack Ryan has to save the Pope from Russians. Wow.
