Tom Delonge
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“I am on Tom Delonge right now”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tom Delonge... literally!
“Who?”
“I don't trust that guy he sold me some bad crack”
~ Mike Tyson on Tom Delonge
Tom Delonge was born 6/3/1969, In Hell, Michigan. He is the gay Satanist best known as the frontman for Blink-182, Angels And Airwaves, and those other bands I don't remember right now.
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[edit] Forming Blink-182
In 1989 Delonge kidnapped Mark Hoppus and Scott Raynor. He forced them to play music and sacrifice goats on pain of death. In 1994 Raynor rebelled and was brutally murderd by Delonge and Hoppus's unicorn. Three days later Tom, Mark, and the unicorn got high with Travis Barker and convinced him to join the band. Tom Delonge was seen recently making out with Pete Wentz and Forrest Kline. Tom Delonge is world famous for being a cocksucker, and for his incredibly bad asthma (see The Adventure by Angels And Airwaves) Tom delonge found his wife Jennifer Delonge in a dumpster shaving her pubes with a used scalpal.
[edit] Tom's Affiliation with little kids and animals
Toms's obsession with strange forms of sex began in his early childhood when he was frequently abused by his father and older sister. If Tom was to mibehave, they would open his anus to the optimum width and insert different things such as their penis', toy cars, living animals. in 1987, Tom went on a class trip to San Deago Zoo. Here he descovered the pleasures of humping snakes and jacking off onto dolphins. Tom harbered an pbsession for the genitelia of dogs and goats, often rubbing them while shitting his pants.
Tom is quoted to have said on stage "there are way more rad things to put in your butt than living animals", a reference to his punishments as a child. Blink 182's hit songs "fuck a dog" and "grandpa is an asshole" are stories of toms childhood pain and suffering.
[edit] 1998 VMA Incident
In 1998 Blink-182 won a VMA for their song "Why I hate god, all our fans, and those fucking bunnies". When Delonge went to accept the award, he promptly started singing, which resulted in 76 deaths including Jerry Rice and you.
[edit] Post Blink-182
The band loved being together, until Mark and Travis realized that Tom was just some old emo guy who couldn't sing. That's when he started Angels and Airwaves.
[edit] Angels and Airwaves
After throwing a hissy fit with Mark Hoppus about who gets to sing, Tom quit Blink-182 to form his own band with some other people that no one really cares about. When asked about his new band two days after Blink's breakup, Delonge responded, "This is gonna be the best band in the world! Everyone will love us! We'll be better than Blink-182 ever was!" (NOTE: at the time AVA had not been signed to any record company, and none of the members had been in the same room together.) When asked what else he would be doing with his career besides forming his new band, Delonge responded, "I'm going to stop showering and suck more cock than ever before!" Soon after the giving-up of showering, he was nominated for the National Douchebag Of The Year. He beat out all other contenders, including Justin Timberlake and Kevin Federline. When asked how he felt at his victory, Tom replied, "This is gonna be the best award ever! Better than the VMAs, The Grammys, or the Teen Choice Awards! I hope to inspire douchebags everywhere!"
[edit] Revenge
While Angels And Airwaves were all on tour, his former Blink 182 bandmates Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker started another band to repel Tom's forces of evil and cow shit, Plus 44. But, after realizing that they only have two people in their band, they pulled two homeless people off the streets and made them guitarists. When Tom found out about the plan he challenged them to a Yu-Gi-Oh! duel. Unfortunately, Tom Delonge lost and is now forced to sing with +44.
[edit] Cult of Toms
Delonge is currently in the Cult of Toms with Myspace Tom, Tommy Pickels, Tom Sawyer, Tom Brady, Tommy Lee, and Thomas Edison. Their HQ is in El Paso, Texas. They plan to invade Washington DC and make a 'Sodge' [current King of Duston] the president.
[edit] Heroine
Delonge frequents the corner of pennsylvania ave. to buy heroine off of the president of the untied states. Angels and Airwaves was completey based on delonge tripping the fuck out on some bad heroine. +44's name stands for how many times delonge has done heroine on stage. . . 44 times only on stage. . . 182 times before blink 182 and he is still doing it to this day. . . he will overdose in the next two years.
[edit] Trivia About Tom DeLonge
- Tom is gay (Duh!)
- He had gay affairs with both Travis and Mark, George W. Bush and Osama Bin Laden
- He likes to have bum sex in his crappy car with hobos of the street.
- Tom fantasias about having bum sex with pirates.
- He is currently engaged to pirate Captain Jack Sparrow and is enjoying bum sex together.
- Bum sex?
- In a parallel universe, he was converted into a Cyberman.
