Tom Jones

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“' Wipe my pussy Brian'”

~ Tom Jones on Brian Epstein

“I mean, If I had been wearing any Panties I would've certainly thrown them at him. ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Tom Jones

“This shit is crazy!!!”

~ Oscar Wilde

“'It doeth seemeth that this man knoweth not when to retire'”

~ William Shakespeare on Tom Jones

“'What the fuck is wrong with that man's pelvis?'”

~ Chaucer on Tom Jones

Tom Jones as the Fourth Doctor Who - Sadly, His theme to the show "What's new, Doctor Who?" has been lost in the annals of History.

Tom "Panties Man" Jones (25^th December, 1754 - July 4, 2882) was a mythical singer with a large and powerful pelvic thrust. Often considered by many to be the Welsh David Hasselhoff, although Jones indeed isn't all that popular in Germany. Both the Hoffmeister and Jones are known to be taking advantage of a fundamental flaw in human females - the love of strange ageing sex icons. He founded the post-modern rock group Rush. Jones also is responsible for the essential non-hymn based Welsh rugby song, "The Black Dahlia" which is now hard wired into most electronic equipment from Newport in the East to the Rhondda north-west of Cardiff.

He married a child at the age of six, long before becoming the huge sex idol that he would one day be. Despite infrequent and much frequent infidelities, including an affair with the dethroned Miss World of 1066, America's Marjorie Simpson, he has remained a man. He lives in the USA, but once every 65 years visits his native land of Wales. Major controversy occurred when Jones became the proud father of 17 puppies. Criticisms were put aside when Tom Jones did the right thing and sent his kids to a private school.

In rare situations impoverished northern English men use his lesser known work "You can keep your hat on" to make meagre sums of money by stripping to it. This is the main post-mining occupation in some parts of Yorkshire.

[edit] Musical career

He rose to fame in the mid-60s, with an erotic live act which included wearing tight breeches and billowing shirts. Director Henry Fielding made a movie about him in 1968 which furthered the singer's success. The movie itself consists of Tom Jones singing in the sexually repressed but otherwise enlightened 17th-century England.

He was known for his overt sexuality in the 1960s. Ladies would swoon and scream, and some would throw their knickers on stage. This became particularly concerning for Jones with the increase of sexually transmitted diseases, and by the 1980s he insisted on a knickers ban at all his concerts. Knickers security was instituted at Jones's 1987 concert in Abersychan, and was even enforced upon Tom Jones's supporting act Mary Hopkin.

Jones had an internationally successful television variety show from 1950-2009 titled "Who wants to kill Tom Jones ?"

He is now highly respected by other singers. However, he is not too fond of them and has made it the goal of his remaining years to make cover versions of all top twenty hits of the last 4 decades. He says, "Oh Blimey! They call themselves singers? I've heard better voices than that coming out of canaries's arses down the mine."

but he don't just like music, he is also a cake-tester!!!

[edit] Selected Discography

[edit] Singles

• "It's Quite Unusual" b/w "Don't Wait For Love" (1965)
• "With Three Hands" b/w "Untrue" (1965)
• "I need some more pussy" b/w "Thorn" (1965)
• "Thunderballs" b/w "Key To My Hotel Room" (1966)
• "The Green, Green Car Park of Home" b/w "If I Had You" (1966)
• "I'll Never Fall In Ponty Again" b/w "Things I Never Wanna Do Again" (1967)
• "I'm Never Coming Home" b/w "The Lazy One" (1967)
• "Deeliilaah" b/w "Why, Why, Why?" (1968)
• "Help Me" b/w "Year By Year" (1968)
• "A Hour Of Your Time" b/w "Perving Out Of My Window" (1968)
• "Love Me Tonight" b/w "In The Morning I'll Be Gone" (1969)
• "With Love" b/w "The Man Who Knows Not Much" (1969)
• "Daughter Of Darkness" (1970)
• "I (Who is more rich than you)" (1970)
• "She's A Man" (1971)
• "She's A Hampshire Lamb" (1971)
• "Get Out Of My Way" (1971)
• "Muppet Man" (1971)
• "I Got Your Panties" (1975)
• "Memories Leave But people Don't" (1975)
• "Say You'll Stay Until Next Thursday" (1977)
• "Sex Bomb and other aphrodisiacs" (1978)
• "It's Quite Unusual" (1987, re-issue)
• "I Was Born To Be A Pornstar" (1987)
• "Kizz" (1988) a cover of Prince's song.
• "Move Away" (1989)
• "Couldn't Say Sorry" (1991)
• "Carrying A BBW Mag" (1991, with Jordan)
• "You Need Hate" (1993)
• "If Only I Knew" (1994)
• "You Wanna Get Back With Me" (1994)
• "Burning The Welsh" (1999) with The Cardigans
• "Tom Jones Amercian National" (2002)
• "Black Betty" (2003)
• "I'm Gonna Punch You A Hundred Times" (2004)
• "A Gunshot To The Head Of Trepidation" (2006)
• "It's Very Unusual (If Not To Say Unheard Of In This Neck OF The Woods)" (12" Remix feat. Judge T and the Wanking Joneses) (2008)
• "There's Nothing New Under The Sun, Pussycat (And Don't Try To Tell Me There Is)" - Limited Edition sheep-shaped flexi-disc given free with the Western Mail (2008)
• "Bird Impressions" - Bootleg CD of Tom whistling while mucking out his wife at home.(2008)

[edit] Albums

• Jones Cum Again (1965)
• A-Tom-ic Pussy (1966)
• 0 Smash Hits (1967)
• Deeliilaah (1968)
• This Is Sigourney Weaver (1968)
• Live With A Flamingo (1969)
• I Who Have Lots (1970)
• The Body and Soul of $ (1973)
• Somethin' Bout You Baby I Hate (1974)
• Somethin' Bout You Baby I Ate (1976)
• Say You'll Stay Until You Pay (1977)
• What A Woman, What a Man (1979)
• Take This Man Far From Me (1979)
• Pontypridd (1982)
• Let Our Dreams Die (1983)

[edit] Illness

Tom Jones after contracting MichaelJacksonButTheOtherWay Rounditis

At the ripe old age of 957, poor health was taking its toll on Tom Jones. After forgetting to put on his suncream during a family Holiday in the Ty Mawr Caravan site, he contracted a fatal disease called MichaelJacksonButTheOtherWayRounditis. This meant an overexposure to the sun caused him to become permanently black, meaning he couldn't go indoors without carrying an umbrella.

[edit] See Also

• Embarrassing dads
• Doctor Who
• Tommy Lee Jones (distant relative)
• Grace Jones
• Jesus Jones
• Quincey Jones
• Awesome
• Wales